by Marie Yates
Mum replied straight away. ‘I’m free all over the weekend so could talk anytime x.’
They started talking almost immediately and I decided I didn’t want to listen so went for a long walk with Reggie. An hour and a half later, I came home and they were still on the phone!
I waved at Mum as I left for my Saturday Taekwondo session as it looked like she would be on the phone for a long, long time! I’m glad I went because I needed the distraction. I was nervous that I was no longer anonymous. I guess it’s the fear of the unknown again. An hour of training was really good for me and by the time I got home I felt like I was ready to cope with anything! It was a good job as Mum said that if I was up for it, we were going over to their house! My mum really is an ‘all or nothing’ woman!
I panicked. Mum said that I didn’t have to go and that if I did go and wanted to leave at any point, we would leave. She said her priority was me and my wellbeing over and above anyone else’s! The girls name is Amie and her mum is Angie. Mum said it felt good that she was able to listen and that she could really identify with what Angie was saying. She said that Amie’s sister was also struggling as she didn’t know what to do or say. That was it. I knew I had to go. That was the feeling I remembered more than anything. When you just want someone to talk to you about ANYTHING! Just to talk like they always had done. It must be even worse when that person is your sister and you’re used to them talking to you all the time! I wanted to go and try and just make things a little bit better for her.
I showered, changed in to my favourite jeans and over lunch asked Mum about what had happened. Mum was a bit upset as she said it was similar to what happened to me. She was on her way home from a friend’s house and thought she was being followed. It was an older man who raped her and he had been caught a couple of days later. He has now been charged and is in custody. I thought about how frightened she must have been for that couple of days. He was caught because he tried to do it again, but the woman managed to get away and call the police almost immediately. That could have been so much worse. It makes my skin crawl just thinking about it. Mum said that she’s not sure if Amie will want to talk for long as she’s been given some pills to help her sleep, but we can just go over for a cuppa (Mum’s answer to everything!) and see what happens.
The genius that I am, I didn’t even ask about Amie’s sister as I was so busy trying to think about what I could say that might help!
I think Mum was as nervous as I was as she knocked on the door. Angie opened the door and standing right behind her was Nina Bloody Devlin.
We walked inside and Mum just hugged Angie. That lovely moment was lost on me as I just stood in their hallway trying not to look at Nina. Angie introduced us after what seemed like a lifetime and didn’t seem to notice how awkward it was. My stomach had literally excelled itself with the ache turning into a fireball of panic that rose steadily into my chest, down my arms and into my head. I am as sure as I can be that even my ears were shaking. She offered us a drink and said, through tears, that she couldn’t put into words how much she appreciated us coming over. She said she knew how hard it must have been. It was hard, but if I’d known I was coming to Nina Bloody Devlin’s house I would have sprinted faster than I have ever sprinted before in the opposite direction. It was way too late to start sprinting by then.
I looked at Nina. I will not be intimidated, I will not be intimidated. But when I looked at her, I saw scared and tired eyes.
She looked back at me and said in a whisper, ‘I don’t know how to help Amie. She’s my little sister and I don’t know how to help her.’
I didn’t want to assume that Amie would want to talk to me, so I asked Angie if she could find out. She came back downstairs saying that Amie was awake and would like me to go up. I went up and introduced myself and saw a book lying on the floor. I’d read it in my old school and I asked her if she was enjoying it. Amie smiled and said, ‘No.’
‘I’m not surprised, it almost bored me tears.’
That broke the ice. ‘Not as bad as Maths though is it?‘ she said. ‘I’d read that book every week if it meant I never had to look at numbers again.’ She looked at me as if she was waiting for something. I know that look. Relieved that we were talking about normal stuff and waiting for the ‘r’ word to be brought up. I wasn’t going to do that. We talked about the book, about the music posters she had on her wall and about how much we hated Maths. I didn’t need to say anything about me being a survivor as I knew Angie had told her.
Amie went quiet and said, ‘How did you get through this?’
I told her the truth. ‘I just take every day as it comes and set myself little tiny challenges every day. It started with getting out of bed, then within a week I’d progressed to getting out of bed, washing my hair and getting dressed. I still do it now but the challenges are bigger, like doing my homework. That’s pretty big! You could try telling your sister that you just want to talk about normal stuff and that’s the best way she can help.’ I told her what Mum told me. ‘You’re not a victim. I still have bad days but there’s a lot more good days now! You’re stronger than you think you are!’
I came home feeling absolutely exhausted. I also had a real sense of freedom. I had done something good today. What has happened with Nina has become irrelevant. I had made a difference. That feels more important than any goal right now and is one of my biggest successes so far.
Forty-Eight
I saw Nina at school earlier today and I think she is finding out the hard way what it’s like to be alienated. I could see that her friends didn’t know what to say to her and that they were all looking quite awkward around her. She was probably just thinking about her sister, but maybe she’ll get a tiny experience of what it’s like to feel alone. There’s nothing worse than feeling completely alone in a room full of people. I spent months wishing that Nina would one day find out what it felt like. That she would be alienated too. But not like this. Nobody from her gaggle has even looked in my direction, so I am grateful that she hasn’t said anything about my experience to them. If she had, I am sure I’d know about it by the way they’d look at me. It probably wouldn’t be with the usual sneers and giggles.
Jane called last night to find out how it was going with Amie. ‘I’m really impressed with how you’re coping and how you’re stepping up to help someone else.’ That felt good. ‘Just don’t forget the other important stuff too. You need to make sure you’re preparing for exams, going to Taekwondo and writing in the journal. If you don’t look after yourself then you won’t be in a fit state to help someone else.’
I suppose she’s right, but I feel a bit selfish concentrating on that stuff when I know how hard it is for Amie. It’s not long until I go for my second belt and the exam countdown is getting closer too. I need to make sure that I pass or all of this has been for nothing. Then what would Amie think of me? I wouldn’t be a very good role model if I turned around and told her I didn’t get my belt and I’d failed my exams!
When we were over at Amie’s this evening, there was a reporter from the local press talking to Angie. She was being interviewed and Amie was upstairs as she didn’t want to hear what was being said. I thought that was a good decision! I came down from Amie’s room to get us a drink and heard Angie say to the reporter, ‘My daughter’s life is ruined.’ It stopped me in my tracks. What if Amie had heard that? I am sure that right now, she’s convinced that her life is ruined but what if she heard her mum say that? I’m not saying that her life won’t be changed by this, or that things won’t be difficult…but ruined? Her life doesn’t have to be ruined. That’s a pretty scary message to be giving someone.
If I had heard that back when I was still wanting to stay under the duvet I’m not sure I’d ever have left my bed. What would have been the point? My life hasn’t been easy, but this year that hasn’t all been to do with the fact I’m a rape survivor. My life hasn’t been ruined either. Changed? Yes. Ruined? No.
If the rape hadn’t happe
ned I’d still be at my old school, I’d probably still be quite naïve and worried about what to wear for parties more than anything else. I’d still be on the hockey team and I’d never have met Nina! That all sounds quite good! But…I wouldn’t have Reggie, I wouldn’t have started Taekwondo, I wouldn’t have met Katie, Maya and Callie, and I wouldn’t have been able to help Amie. I still would delete that day from my life if I could, but not everything that has happened since has been bad. Amie needs to know that this doesn’t mean her whole life is ruined.
Like Jane said, I still need to focus on the things I want to do. If I don’t work on these things then I’m ruining my own chances:
• It is June and I have my second belt in Taekwondo!
• It is August and I have passed all of my exams.
• It is September and I have decided what I want to do next in my life.
The successes I have had today:
• Helping Amie.
The things I am grateful for today:
• Reggie! Even though he did run off and end up in the lake during our walk today! He’s obsessed with chasing Canadian Geese!
• Laughing at Reggie swimming around the lake! I needed a laugh.
• Realising that my life really hasn’t been ruined.
I’m surprised that I’m not more affected by talking with Amie about stuff. I thought it might bring back loads of old feelings and memories. In a way, I think she’s helping me too. It feels good to be doing something good for someone else!
Forty-Nine
I got my second belt in Taekwondo.
I’m so pleased and now can’t wait to start working on the next one.
Every time I learn something new and especially when I pass my grading to get the belt I know I’m getting closer and closer to getting the black belt. I was really nervous before I left the house and felt like I hadn’t done enough. I’ve been concentrating on getting ready for the exams and spending a bit of time with Amie, so I was worried that I hadn’t put enough effort into training. I think that carrying on with training has helped with everything else though. Having that little bit of time just to think about something I want to do and work hard physically at the same time always makes me feel much better. It paid off yesterday and it was the best feeling ever to be told I had passed and to be presented with my new belt. I’d worked for it and I’d achieved something. That feels much better than just sitting in front of the TV and feeling sorry for myself like I was doing.
I think that if I wasn’t doing Taekwondo I’d be finding it difficult to help Amie. Sometimes when I talk with her it does bring back memories and feelings that I’ve worked hard to move on from. If I just came home and didn’t have anything else to concentrate on I think I’d be turning to the biscuits again. I have been tempted to miss training and just sit at home, but that’s when it’s even more important that I make the effort to get up and leave the house. It would be so easy to give up completely, but I’d be the only one losing out! That doesn’t sound like the best idea I’ve ever had!
Mum is still seeing Angie too. I think she’s feeling the same as me. She is pleased that she can try and offer a little bit of help but at the same time it’s hard when it brings back all the memories. We were talking the other day about the little happy triggers we had. I still have mine and they still make me smile. We told Amie and Angie about them too and I realised that nobody was really talking to Nina. When we go over to their house, Nina usually stays in her room. I don’t mind that at all, but I guess it’s a pretty lonely time for her. I said to Amie that she could tell her sister about the happy triggers as it might help her too. Before I knew it, Amie had called Nina into the room with us and started telling her all about it. I had a horrible feeling that Nina would start laughing at the idea or would make a fool of me like she did at school. The fear started to rise in me and I was dreading Nina’s reaction. Nina just left the room and returned a couple of minutes later carrying a wooden box about the size of a shoebox. She said that she already had happy triggers and said we could look inside. Amie opened it carefully and found pictures of her and Nina. There was the first picture of them together soon after Amie had been born right though to a photo that had been taken just days before Amie was attacked. There were little pictures that Amie had drawn as a young child and a bracelet that she had made for Nina years ago.
Nina said that her memory box was something she looked at to remember the good times and she knew that there would be good times again. I couldn’t believe someone who had been such a bitch could be so lovely! I did my best not to look shocked and agreed with her that there would definitely be good times again. It was nice to be able to say that and really believe it.
I was telling Jane about what happened and said that I really didn’t mind that people knew about what happened to me now. It had gone from being my biggest fear to something that really didn’t matter. I was pleased I could help someone else and that felt more important. Jane asked me how I could carry on feeling like that as she said there are hundreds more Amies out there who would love to know that things really can get better. She said it’s not just about Amie either but there are loads of people being bullied, moving house and having so many other things to deal with that it might feel good to help them too. I laughed saying that I don’t have any more time in the day to talk to more people! She asked me what I could do to help them and I jokingly said I could write a book. Jane didn’t think it was a joke and thought it was a great idea. How crazy is that? I’m just a kid! I can’t write an essay without getting bored so I can’t write a book!
This is what I am going to do though! I’ve reached the goal to get my second belt ahead of schedule so it’s time for number three!
• It is September and I have my third belt in Taekwondo!
• It is August and I have passed all of my exams.
• It is September and I have decided what I want to do next in my life.
The successes I have had today:
• Getting my second belt! Okay, it was yesterday but it still counts!
• Helping Amie.
The things I am grateful for today:
• Reggie! He is lying here snoring while I write this!
• Talking to Jane.
• I’m grateful that I have met Amie as she’s helping me too.
Fifty
I spent yesterday revising but I can’t really remember anything I read about. I was just reading and then worrying about the exams. That meant that nothing was really sticking in my brain. I couldn’t decide what to revise so was reading bits of everything in the hope that something would stick. I can’t keep doing that as it’s never going to work and I really want to do well. I need a plan. That’s how we do it in Taekwondo. We have little things to learn each time, we keep going over it until we know it inside out and then when we put it all together it looks brilliant. That’s what I need to do here. I need to make sure I’m concentrating on a little bit at a time and I need to make sure it is all in my head in time for the exam.
I have spent the last two hours drawing out a complete plan of how I am going to revise for each exam, fit in training, walk Reggie and see Amie. I also have a study day booked with Katie, Maya and Callie, but I’m not sure we’ll actually get much work done.
The plan is brilliant. It’s on a massive piece of paper, its colour coded and all the exams are written in too. I’ve planned out my revision in order of the exams that are coming up and I’m never studying for more than 45 minutes without a break as I know I’d go insane if I tried that. I’ve actually got more time than I thought and that includes doing all the other things I want to do. I just need to stop thinking of study leave as ‘free’ time!
I put the most important things into the plan first – walking Reggie and Taekwondo. Then I put the exams in as they can’t be moved. It didn’t look quite as bad when I actually wrote them on the plan as I could see how spaced out they were and that I had days free in-between them. When I was just looki
ng at them on the list the school had printed out for me it looked really scary! So, I filled in the subjects I was going to revise each day to fit in with the exams and put my break times in too. I still had time to see Amie and to chill out in the evenings with Mum on the nights I’m not going to Taekwondo. It was quite easy to sort out what I needed to do and when I needed to do it when I just sat down and drew it out. It looks good too as Reggie and Taekwondo have their own colours and then each exam is colour coded with the revision sessions in the same colour! Maybe I should have taken art instead of PE?!
I actually do think that it has been a good use of time even though I probably could have been revising in those two hours! If I stick to the plan then I know that I can walk into every exam feeling prepared. All I need to do now is actually stick to the plan! I’ll add it to the list of goals!
I’m not seeing Amie today and it’s quite nice to have a day just to focus on my own stuff. I keep getting the comment about writing a book popping into my head too! It would be so cool to see a book that I’d written on the shelf in a bookshop, but I have no idea how I could do that! How would I even start and what would I write?! I’d love to be able to help loads of people but I still think its way out of my league!
According to my plan for the day it’s nearly lunchtime so I can definitely stick to that! Then I can get stuck in to some exciting Geography revision! It seems so much easier knowing that I only have to do 45 minutes at a time and I know exactly what I’m looking at in that time! I wouldn’t say I’m looking forward to it as who would get excited about plate tectonics but very soon I will never have to think about geography again!
I have an extra goal now for the next few weeks: