“Then with who?” he inquired with curious eyes.
“I wonder how long it’s gonna take for that to heal,” I said absentmindedly. “It’s still an awful color. I feel bad that Ethan did that to you now.”
“I’ll be fine. Why isn’t this over? Who’s left?” he pressed.
I sighed again and sat up, pulling my legs off of him. I pushed my hair behind my ears and wondered if I should tell him or not. It had only just occurred to me, but there was more to be done and I didn’t want him to sound the warning.
I feel so lost right now, I thought to myself. I have to tell him and the words I say will speak in volumes, but will they be loud enough I need to silence the demons inside of me?
Even though I felt a huge measure of comfort in knowing that Bobby could never hurt me again, the betrayal of my brothers still stung me almost as deeply.
“That guy you have on speed dial? What’s his asking rate? To make things disappear?” I asked, chewing my lower lip.
“Ten grand up front usually. Twenty grand when the job is done, why?”
“I’ve got a few more people for him to erase. I can’t do it myself, I need someone to take care of the entire thing,” I confessed.
“Do I want to know?” he asked quietly.
I felt sick. I couldn’t bring myself to say the words without the threat of vomiting all over the living room carpet. I put my face in my hands for a moment and tried to fight the tears. I didn’t understand when I had become such a cry baby, but this job ... This one was going to hurt.
“Just tell me when to call him,” Adam said as he got up from the couch.
I chuckled slightly. Even he couldn’t stand to be around me now. He knew what I needed to be whole and he was willing to help me, but what could I give him in return? What could I do to show him that he was the only one I still trusted?
“Adam,” I called out just before he disappeared into my bedroom. He turned slightly and looked at me expectantly. “I, uh, was wondering something.”
“What’s that, Jude?”
I took a deep breath and pushed myself off of the couch. I walked over to him with my head held as high as I could manage, stopping just a few inches away from him. I don’t know how I was able to muster even the smallest smile, but somehow I did. Right before I pushed myself up on my tiptoes to kiss him.
Like last time, it was a gentle kiss that gave way to a passion I didn’t even know I had inside of me when he parted my lips with his tongue. The sensation of feeling him doing that again was enough to silence the demons for now and I lost myself in it.
Maybe, just maybe, if I spend the rest of my life kissing Adam, then I won’t have anything to be afraid of anymore.
He pulled back, gripping my arms tightly in his hands.
“Be careful. I may not want to stop this time,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper.
“I don’t think I want you too,” I replied, pulling out of his grip. I ran my hands up through his hair, grabbing two handfuls and holding on tightly as we kissed again.
The heat of our bodies pressed tightly together was almost becoming too much for me to bear, but when Adam moved backwards into my room, pulling me with him, I lost any sense of fear I had.
In a few swift movements, Adam was on his back on the bed with me on top of him. I pushed down the fears that were starting to peak up from my damaged childhood again and held his arms over his head, as our tongues danced in each other’s mouths.
“Fuck Jude,” he breathed when I pulled my lips away from his.
It was sick to think that only one other man had thought of me this way. That when I put my hands on him, it was something pleasurable, while I was still fighting the fear deep down inside of me.
“Did I hurt you?” I asked quietly.
“No. But I sure as fuck wish you would,” he replied with a grin.
“I can try,” I said, returning his grin.
Adam tilted his head to the side and gripped my hips in his hands, pushing himself up against me.
“Feel that?” he asked.
I nodded shyly. I couldn’t believe I felt shy all of a sudden when I had just held him down and kissed as passionately as I had.
“I wouldn’t be able to stop now even if I wanted too,” he admitted with a laugh.
“No more talking or I’ll lose my nerve,” I said with a small smile. Adam nodded and reached for me again, pulling my body back against his, and rolling me onto my back.
The weight of his body on top of me took my breath away, but in a good way. I forced myself to relax as Adam looked into my eyes as he slowly began to move my tank top up my stomach.
I inhaled sharply at the sensation his fingertips gave to me, causing my body to tremble, but I was determined to hold my ground. When his hand disappeared under the material and he gripped my breast in his hand, I inhaled sharply. I shifted slightly underneath him when I felt my juices starting to make a small pool on my panties.
“This is weird,” I whispered, looking up at him.
“Why?” he asked, letting go of my breast and trailing his hand down my stomach. In a swift movement, he was gently caressing the inside of my left thigh.
“Because only one other person—”
“Don’t kill the mood, Jude,” he said, cutting me off.
“’Kill the mood Jude,’” I echoed with a small smile. “Thank God, Violet didn’t think of that.”
“Relax,” he instructed, using the tips of his fingers to pull my panties to the side, “I’m not going to do anything you don’t want me to do. When you need me to stop, tell me. I already told you that I’m not going anywhere.”
I closed my eyes tightly as he gently ran his fingers over the lips of my wet pussy and fought the urge to scream. Even now, ten years later, I couldn’t fucking do it without feeling like I was being abused all over again.
“I’m sorry Adam,” I said softly, as tears began to stream down the sides of my face.
He pulled his hand away from my wetness and leaned forward to kiss me on the forehead, “We’ve got plenty of time, Kill the mood Jude. I know it’s going to take a while and like I’ve said, you’re stuck with me.”
I turned my body away from him and wiped the tears away. This wasn’t normal; any of it. The plan was to kill him in Bobby’s place so I could be set free of my demons, and instead he helped me get rid of Bobby. Even after Ethan beat him damn near to death, he helped me.
Adam turned off the light in the bedroom and settled himself against me. I opened my eyes and stared into the darkness knowing that the only way this would ever make sense again would be for one more person to be “erased.”
Twenty One
When the morning came, we were awoken by a knock on the door. I groaned and pulled away from Adam who sat up with a startled “what the fuck?”
“Probably Ethan. He’s the only one that knocks on my fucking door this early,” I grumbled as I got off the bed and walked out of the room.
I stalked across through the living room until I reached the front door and yanked it open. Ethan was standing there giving me a curious and slightly amused look.
“What?” I barked.
“You know, for someone I think got laid, judging by your hair anyway, you should be all sparkly and happy this morning,” he teased, ruffling my bedhead and walking into the kitchen.
“I didn’t get laid, jackass,” I replied rolling my eyes as I joined him at the small kitchen table.
“How come?” he asked, stretching his legs out in front of him.
I shrugged and turned my eyes toward the window. If Ethan really had to ask that question, then he probably thought I was fixed. The truth was that I wasn’t and I knew I never would be.
“I couldn’t get it up,” Adam joked walking into the kitchen. He came over to me and kissed the top of my head and gave me a wink. “Nothing against your sister obviously. I mean look at the girl; she’s hot as hell.”
“Okay! Thanks!” Ethan replied quic
kly holding up a hand.
Adam laughed as he sat in the chair between me and Ethan. I glanced at him with raised eyebrows but when I saw the mischievous grin on his face, I couldn’t help but giggle.
“What’s up, Ethan? Why are you here?” I asked, once the giggles subsided.
“I don’t know. I felt like coming over without shitty news or reasons, for once,” he replied scratching his chin.
Adam excused himself from the table and I heard the sound of my refrigerator open a few seconds later, followed by the sounds of pans being pulled off of their racks, and the clicking of the stove coming to life. I turned slightly, glancing at him over my shoulder, as he opened the freezer and after a brief inspection pulled out a package of bacon.
“And he cooks too,” I said to Ethan, turning my body back around.
Adam chuckled from behind me and I smiled at my brother. He returned my smile and shook his head as he leaned back in the chair and locked his hands behind his head. I slid down the chair a little and propped my legs up on the side so that my feet would sit in the windowsill.
That breeze feels nice, I thought wiggling my toes.
“How you holding up, kid?” Ethan asked me quietly.
I shrugged again. At this point I was going to have the best shoulders anyone had ever seen in the world, but I couldn’t put into words what I didn’t feel.
Ethan leaned over and gave my arm a reassuring pat. Almost as if to say, any day now Jude.
I smiled in response and sighed. I didn’t know how I was going to tell anyone what I was planning to do and I didn’t know who it was going to hurt more; me or my brothers.
Ethan began to talk about Jeremy and how he was doing today, which from the sounds of it didn’t seem pretty good. Adam turned around and leaned on the kitchen counter, while the bacon thawed in a sink full of cold water, chatting with my brother since my mind had already wandered off to more important things.
I had already figured out how I was going to plan this. I was going to ask Adam to reach out to his contact and have him meet me in the place I hated and loved the most from my childhood. That’s where it would be done and that’s where it would all end. I’d be at peace after that and things would go back to normal. I was sure of at least that much because they couldn’t very well get any worse.
Twenty minutes later, Adam set a plated down in front of me and even though I wasn’t hungry, I knew the cordial thing would be to eat something off the plate. I grabbed a strip of bacon, popped the yolk on the sunny side up eggs, and ate it. I repeated that until all of the bacon was gone off of my plate, while the boys chatted amongst themselves, and pushed the plate away.
I quickly fended off the question of anything being wrong with the food, with the lie that I usually didn’t eat breakfast. It was enough to satisfy both of them as they continued chatting and I closed my eyes. As the breeze traveled in through the window, I told myself it would hopefully not be too much longer.
***
Six months had passed and I had played the part of the happy, live-in girlfriend quite skillfully. There were days where I thought I would never be able to unscrew the fake smile off of my face, but it got me what I needed.
Adam had given me the number of his contact one night after I managed to finally fuck him. It wasn’t pleasant for me; I cried softly through the entire act, but I told Adam that if he stopped I’d never have the nerve again. When we were done, I promised him that I loved having him inside of me and that I’d get to the point where I wouldn’t cry about it.
I’m becoming a professional liar, I thought grimly as I watched the white, fluffy snowflakes falling outside my kitchen window.
Winter had obviously come and I spent the better part of everyday sitting in my chair watching the world become a snowcapped wonderland. Adam would always greet me with a kiss when he would leave and when he would return. He would always give me a kiss when he woke up and before we went to sleep and I always wondered when the fuck I would start to feel for him what he obviously felt for me.
I guess it really didn’t matter anymore. I had become even more cold and bitter than I was before, and no amount of hiding it from anyone else was going to hide it from me.
I picked up my cellphone and held it to my mouth wondering when it would vibrate or ring or show any signs of fucking life that it was time yet. The six months I had endured as the normal Jude were unbearable but it was how long the contact said it would take before he would have time to take care of my last problem.
But today was the day and with as bitter as I looked on the outside, I was fucking ecstatic on the inside. I hated the fake persona I portrayed every day to convince Adam, Ethan, and Jeremy that everything was okay, while I secretly felt my soul rotting.
My phone suddenly vibrated and I almost dropped it in excitement. I looked down and saw the little smiling envelope that told me I had a text message waiting for me.
Be there in one hour.
I smiled and breathed a sigh of relief. I got up from the table and ran into the bedroom. I went to my closet, pulled out a heather grey sweater, a pair of black jeans, and pulled on my best leather boots over my socks.
“I’ll see you later!” I said to Adam as I ran out the front door. I didn’t want to have to answer any questions if I didn’t have to and in a few seconds I was out on the street.
The snow was crunchy under my heels and I smiled thinking of how much I wished I could play in it as a child. Violet never let us go outside because that’s where children picked up diseases, bad habits, and even worse friends.
Ten minutes and three cigarettes later, I walked up the stairs to St. Agnes Church and pulled the door open. Luckily, it was empty and I was pretty sure that I wanted to spend time with Violet’s God before it was over.
Once inside, I dipped my fingers into the bowl of holy water and blessed myself. It was a habit that I apparently yet hadn’t been able to shake. I walked through the double doored entrance and stood there for a moment, floods of my childhood coming back to me.
Violet would bring us here every Sunday morning, Friday night, and every holy holiday because she didn’t want us to get corrupted by the Devil.
I wrapped my arms around myself and began to slowly walk toward the altar, pew after pew on either side of me emptier than my soul. I stopped in front of the small step that led up to the landing and glanced at the huge stained glass window behind it. I didn’t know who the pretty girl with the halo was, but I knew that we didn’t have a fucking thing in common.
With a sigh, I turned my attention to the large resin statue of Violet’s Jesus mounted on a wooden cross, blood painted on his forehead, looking back at me with sad eyes.
Where were you when I needed saving? Where were you when Violet treated us like shit?
The statue didn’t respond and it made me angry. I felt like I deserved answers and I wasn’t going to get them; not from him. Not today.
“You still have to forgive me for what I’ve done,” I said angrily. “That’s what the good book says; that you’ll forgive me, if I’m sorry. I’m not sorry though, but you’re supposed to be ever-loving and forgiving, so you have to forgive me.”
My voice echoed throughout the empty structure and I wondered if anyone had heard me. I didn’t care if they did, but I wanted her Jesus and her God to know that I remembered more from their Bible than they thought I probably did.
The front door to the church opened behind me about ten minutes into my tirade against every religious icon and portrait in the church and I let out a relieved sigh.
I took a deep breath as I reached into my jeans pocket and pulled out my pack of cigarettes. I had one left, which meant I had timed it correctly. The sudden sound of footsteps behind me came steadily as I put the cigarette into my mouth, fished out my lighter, lit it, and inhaled deeply.
I let the puff of smoke out in circles, remembering what it was like to be a young child before Violet lost her mind. Before Bobby put his fucking hands on me and h
is dick inside of me. A time when my brothers were my best friends and we’d tell each other stories of how much better life would be when we grew up. Ethan said he’d be big and strong and he’d make sure no one would ever hurt us again. Jeremy said he would be bigger and stronger than Ethan to make sure no one hurt his big brother either. I remember when they both turned to me and asked me what I would be. I stood up and looked down at both of them, telling them that I would be the one that made sure we stayed together as a family no matter what happened. That I would always make sure that we loved each other until it hurt so much that we would burst and only love each other even more.
As a little girl, it had made perfect sense to me. Our plans were so simple and while I wanted nothing more than to be able to keep my end of the bargain I knew it wouldn’t be possible.
I closed my eyes as I felt the barrel of a gun press against the back of my head. I took one last deep drag of my cigarette, looked up into the eyes of Violet’s Jesus, and smiled. The rabid dog was finally going to be put down so that others would have a chance to life normal, fulfilling lives. Something I knew I would never have.
“Do it.”
I felt a sharp, quick pain, and then the world went black.
A Letter To My Brothers
Ethan and Jeremy,
What I did may seem selfish, but I want you to understand why it needed to be done. The two of you have always been my heroes, and it hurt me to think that you thought any less of yourselves because of me. It wasn’t right that you’ve had to care for me my entire life knowing that I could never be fixed. Because of that, I wanted to end your pain and this was the only way I knew how. All I ask is that you don’t mourn me for too long. Go on with your lives; the ones you never would have had if I were still here. Please know that I’m at peace now and that I love you both even in death.
I hope you can forgive me one day.
Until we meet again.
Love, Jude
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