But Jeremy wasn’t Jace and I tried to focus on his eyes and his hair. Those were different, weren’t they? Maybe I was I just manufacturing differences to keep my heart from breaking at seeing Jace’s look-alike. After three years, I wasn’t sure how well I really remembered the details of Jace’s face. A picture was one thing, but in the flesh, he and Jeremy had been so alike.
Their voices might have been eerily similar, but Jeremy was rattling on about mergers and liquidation of assets and Jace never would have talked about something like that. He would have rolled his eyes and pretended to fall asleep. Not very mature, but—
“Hey, Cat, I want to apologize for my mom.”
My eyes snapped to Jeremy’s, and I stiffened. I did not want to talk about Jace’s parents. “Jeremy—”
He held up a hand. “She was awful to you. I know that and she knows that now. She tried to reach out to you.”
I pressed my lips together.
“Obviously, she didn’t succeed,” Jeremy said, reading my expression.
Hell, no, she didn’t succeed. I would never forget how she’d stood over my hospital bed in Hawaii, pointing her bony finger at me and screaming, “You killed my son. You killed my Jace.”
Mr. Ryder had to drag his distraught wife out of the room. That was just the first episode of her awfulness after the car accident that had killed Jace. There had been others, several of them in fact, and the Ryders were one of the reasons I didn’t want to come back to California, with or without William. I didn’t want to face them or the ghosts of my past and then wallow in all the grief and misery again. I’d been there, done that, and I’d escaped.
I caught a movement out of the corner of my eye and saw that Darius was off his phone and facing me, arms across his broad chest. I couldn’t see his eyes behind his sunglasses, but everything about his stance indicated he was not happy. I felt as though I was a teenager again, doing something I shouldn’t. But I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I hadn’t done anything wrong, and I was tired of being shut out. I wanted out of here. I wanted to go back to Chicago, where I was Catherine Kelly, where I’d made a new life for myself.
“So I just wanted to apologize for everything, Cat. I know it wasn’t right,” Jeremy continued. “My mother is sorry too. Hey, I have to head back to the city, but it was good catching up with you.” He rose.
“Wait.”
He paused, looking down at me, and I heard myself say, “I know this is asking a lot, but since you’re heading back to the city, do you think you could drop me at SFO?”
“Now?” His brow wrinkled.
“Yeah. Um…” I had to think fast. This wasn’t something I’d planned, but as soon as I said it, I couldn’t wait to leave. “I’m booked on a flight tonight, but I thought if you drove me, we’d have more time to talk, to catch up. I was going to take a cab, but…”
“Sure. No problem, but what about your luggage?”
“I…have it right here.” I gestured to my purse, computer, and camera bags. Those were all I cared about anyway. I could leave the rest.
“In that case, let’s go.”
I hefted my bags onto my shoulder and followed Jeremy to a blue Prius parked in front of the coffee shop. I was in and Jeremy had the car started before Darius made it across the street. I watched in the side mirror as he pulled his phone out of his jacket and angrily punched the screen with a finger. Then I leaned back, rested my head on the seat, and smiled. It had been easier than I thought to ditch him.
“So what did you want to talk about?” Jeremy asked.
Shit. It was a 90-minute drive to San Francisco. I didn’t want to talk about the accident, and I didn’t want to talk about William Lambourne. I needed to keep it light.
“You know what I was thinking about?” I said, forcing a smile. “You mentioned Stanford. Remember the first time I met you?”
“When you and Jace came up for the Stanford-Cal game?”
“Yeah. Jace and I had only been together for a few weeks,” I said as we passed the last of St. Helena’s buildings. It was a small town, quickly left behind, and then we were on our way to San Francisco. I’d really done it. I’d really just left William. I thought I’d feel relieved, but instead I felt incredibly sad.
“I remember thinking he had it bad. Every time he looked at you, he got this look in his eyes.”
“Really?” I’d heard this story so many times and I knew Jeremy had too, but we were both looking for things to talk about to fill the time and Jace was our common denominator.
I didn’t remember any look, but Jace and I had started dating my freshman year at UC Santa Cruz. He was a sophomore and, with his blond hair and big smile, he was irresistible.
“You weren’t his usual type at all. You were this sweet, beautiful hippie girl. Really mellow.”
“Sweet? Hardly. Remember the parties after the game?”
He laughed. “Well, you did match my frat brothers shot for shot of tequila.”
“See? Not so sweet. I think I passed out in your dorm room. You were lucky I didn’t puke.” We both laughed at that.
I stared out the window at the rolling fields and hills of Napa, but in my mind I saw Jace and all the fun we’d had together that year. Jeremy and I reminisced about a few other parties and friends we’d both lost touch with, and then the conversation turned to when Jace dropped out of college at the end of his junior year.
“My parents were so pissed,” Jeremy said. “I don’t think they’ve ever gotten over it. But hey, not every surfer is offered a spot on the ASP World Tour. What was he supposed to do, say no?”
“It was his dream,” I agreed. Jeremy had always supported Jace. I remembered that now. He’d been Jace’s biggest advocate with his parents, and I had to give him credit for that. He’d been a good brother.
“And my dad never said it, but I know he was proud of him. For standing up to them, for doing what he wanted.”
I nodded. “I think Jace knew that too.” Neither of us mentioned Mrs. Ryder. Both of Jace’s parents were pieces of work. Mr. Ryder had been, and still was, a successful corporate lawyer. The kind of guy who went after the jugular. She was icy cool. She’d been born into the upper echelons of San Francisco society and never let anyone forget it. She sat on charity boards and hosted events, and beneath her gracious demeanor, she was a complete and total bitch. When Jace dropped out, she threw a fit. No son of hers was going to be a college drop-out. She had plans for her eldest, and they didn’t include the pro-surfing circuit or a hippy, artsy girlfriend.
She’d hated me, and our relationship didn’t improve even when Jace and I got married. I was his wife, but she still thought I was just a phase Jace was going through.
I remembered when the Ryders came to San Diego for Jace’s first tour outing at Trestles. I’d just been his girlfriend then, so it was pretty easy for them to be civil but basically ignore me—not that Carolyn Ryder ever treated me civilly, and she always did her best to ignore me, even after I was her daughter-in-law.
“Oh my God, remember when your dad gave Jace that shark tooth necklace at Trestles?” I hadn’t thought about that necklace until just now. Jace had been so nervous and he really wanted to make his parents proud. They ignored me, but Jeremy hung out with me. We’d both been there when Mr. Ryder gave Jace the hokey necklace.
“Jace loved that necklace,” Jeremy said.
“Yeah, I know. He wore it in just about every competition. He thought it brought him luck.” And maybe it had. But it was too bad Jace’s parents couldn’t have given him more than a cheap necklace. They’d left that day before his first ride to catch a flight back to San Francisco. They didn’t even say goodbye. Their departure had hurt him, but I remembered Jace fingering that jagged little piece of bone dangling from its black leather cord, his dad’s small gift easing some of their rejection. They never came to another of his pro events.
I couldn’t believe that after all this time, I’d never thought about that necklace, not once. I had no
idea what had happened to it. Did he have it in Hawaii? Was he wearing it at that last party on the beach? Was he wearing it when that red pick-up truck had crashed into us just a few hours later? I didn’t know. How could I not know?
“He was so good,” Jeremy said almost wistfully, snapping me back to our conversation. His eyes were on the road, but I could see his thoughts were years in the past. Mine were too. “I knew he was good, but he amazed even me.”
Once Jace realized his parents weren’t going to support him unless he followed their dictates for his life, he just pushed harder for what he wanted. And part of what he’d wanted was me. We got married as soon as I graduated. I knew his parents weren’t going to like it, and truthfully, mine weren’t thrilled when they heard about it, either. But my mom and dad came to accept it and us. But not Jace’s mother. She had been a vocal opponent of our marriage, and she was pretty nasty about it. At one point she’d even accused me of getting pregnant to snare Jace. I didn’t know if Jeremy ever knew about that, and I wasn’t going to bring it up to him now. I’d never forget Mrs. Ryder suggesting there were other ways to deal with a pregnancy besides marriage. But I hadn’t been pregnant, just in love.
“Your parents were pretty cool about you guys getting married, right?” Jeremy asked, almost reading my thoughts.
I shrugged. Compared to the Ryders, my parents were saints. It was getting harder for me to talk about this, but I managed an answer. “They were concerned. They thought I was too young, too impulsive. But they came around.”
“You and Jace impulsive? I knew the first time I saw the two of you together he’d found The One. I was surprised you waited until after you graduated.”
“Jace wanted me to finish.” But I thought about what Jeremy said, and now that I was older, I realized my parents might have been more supportive if I’d let them in a little. They never really knew Jace or how I felt about him—how we felt about each other. Jace and I had our own private space. It was always just the two of us. Jace and Cat against the world. We had each other, and that was all we needed and all we wanted.
Of course, it hadn’t lasted.
We were almost in San Francisco when I realized we’d been quiet for quite a while. I was lost in my thoughts, trying to put the pain and grief that had bubbled to the surface back into their little compartments. I glanced at Jeremy, still struck by how much he resembled Jace, and how surreal this whole encounter had been. It was as though parts of Jace were right beside me, and it made me miss him so much more. I’d made my peace with that part of my life—well, with most of it anyway—but I wasn’t certain I could stare it in the face, remembering what I’d had and lost, for much longer.
The car slowed and stopped, and I blinked and stared at the airport terminal.
“Here you go,” Jeremy said. “Service from Napa to San Francisco.”
“Thanks, Jeremy. I really appreciate it.” I gathered my bags and reached for the door. I stepped out and turned to tell Jeremy goodbye, but he wasn’t in the driver’s seat. He’d gotten out and was right beside me.
“Cat.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me close so I could hear him over the noise of the busy airport. “We never talked about what happened between us.”
Oh no. This was I wanted to avoid. I tried to pull my hand back, but Jeremy didn’t let go.
“You just left, Cat.”
“I know. I’m sorry. But I had to.” Did we have to have this conversation now? I was still feeling raw from William’s rejection and all my memories of Jace. Why had I thought I could avoid this? Stupid, stupid, stupid. Jeremy and I had a history, separate but still entwined with my history with Jace, and it was a history I never wanted to revisit. I was so dumb to think he wouldn’t bring it up.
“No explanation. No goodbye. I didn’t have any idea where you’d gone. I had to call your mom to find out you moved to Chicago.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I’d just…I needed some distance.”
“But you’re back now,” Jeremy said, squeezing my hand. “And I’d really like to see you again. I’d like to give us another chance.”
My throat felt as though a rock had caught in it. I couldn’t breathe or speak. There had never been an us, not really. But there had been something, and just remembering made me feel the shame and heartache all over again. I couldn’t do this. Not here, not now. Not ever.
“Jeremy—” I wanted to get away. I had the urge to tear my hand from his and run. Perhaps he sensed it because he moved closer, essentially boxing me in against the car.
“I know I’m getting married, but Amy…” He waved a hand, dismissing his fiancée. His eyes, so much like Jace’s, met mine. “Amy isn’t you, Cat. No one else is you.”
I shook my head. “I have a different life now, Jeremy. Everything is different. Everything.” I placed a hand on his chest and pushed him back. “I have to go, okay?”
“Cat!”
But I pushed past him and headed for the doors to the ticket counters. “I’ll call you,” I yelled over my shoulder. “I have to go.”
I strode into the terminal without looking back. I didn’t know if Jeremy was still standing beside his car or if he’d driven off. I didn’t care. I waited in line at the ticket counter, my cell in hand. I kept waiting for a text or a call from William, but there was nothing.
Finally, I reached the counter. Lucky me, I could hop on a flight to Chicago leaving in two hours. I was ready to pay the full fare and was handing over my credit card when the smiling blond who was manning the ticket counter was flagged over to take a phone call. I watched as she picked up the receiver of the wall phone mounted just a few feet from her computer terminal. She nodded, then looked at me, then nodded again. I was just standing there, waiting, but her conversation seemed to go on forever. More nodding, more looking over at me. Did I look like a terrorist or something? Maybe it was because I was traveling one-way and didn’t have any luggage to check. I waited and watched as her phone conversation continued. I didn’t understand why this was taking so long. Then I overheard her say, “Yes, sir. I understand, sir. No, I think she’s fine. Alright. Goodbye.”
I had no idea what that was all about or if it had anything to do with me and at this point, I really didn’t care. I just wanted to go home. Once she was back in front of me, I handed her my credit card and she processed my ticket. “Have a nice flight, Miss Kelly,” she said as she handed me my ticket. “You’re at Gate 32.”
“Thanks,” I said, grabbing my bags and purse and walking away.
When I got past security, I checked my phone again. Nothing. No voicemail, email, or texts from William. It had been two days since I’d spoken with him. Two whole days with absolutely no communication. I couldn’t believe it. And then the whole thing with Jeremy. So typical. The man I wanted was MIA, and the man I hoped never to see again was begging me to be with him. I would go crazy if I thought about it anymore. I pulled my headphones from my bag and turned the music way up. I wanted to forget everything—Jeremy, William, Darius, California. I just wanted to get home.
Finally my flight boarded. I sat down and held my phone in my hand. I’d have to turn it off in a few moments. One more text to William? Something to explain where I was?
I had the feeling he already knew. William was a smart guy. He’d figure it out.
Nine
The flight was four-and-a-half hours and I wasn’t nearly as comfortable on a commercial plane as I had been on William’s private jet. I was exhausted and weepy, and when I went to the bathroom, I realized I’d gotten my period. The day didn’t seem like it could get any worse.
I was so confused. I wasn’t sure if I was happy to be heading home or sad to be leaving William. As pissed as I was at William, I knew I needed to cut him some slack because he had a lot going on right now. I was a complete mess, totally over emotional, and I kept needing to swipe tears away from my eyes. Fortunately, the passenger sitting beside me had his nose buried in the Wall Street Journal and didn’t even look at me.
The flight attendant came by and gave me a sympathetic look. “Can I get you a drink, honey?”
“Just water, please.”
She came back later to offer food, but I shook my head. I wasn’t hungry, even though I hadn’t eaten all day. I typically lost my appetite when I was upset. Regret filled me, leaving no room for anything else. I was so stupid to think I could spend any time with Jeremy without dealing with our past. It wasn’t sharing all of our memories about Jace that bothered me. It was remembering our history after Jace.
We shouldn’t have had a history after Jace. But I’d fucked up and made probably the biggest mistake of my life. I’d slept with Jeremy. Slept really wasn’t the right word. More like I started sleeping with Jeremy, because it went on for a while after Jace died. When William and I first met and I resisted him, I told him I didn’t do the fuck buddy thing. That was because I had done it—with Jeremy—and it had been a complete and total disaster.
I’d been so desperate to get out of Napa today I thought I could just pretend my and Jeremy’s little fling never happened. But Jeremy hadn’t forgotten, and now he was ready to pick up where we’d left off. Shame washed over me. Even though so much time had passed, I still felt that hot, dizzying emotion. Why didn’t Jeremy feel it too? Why couldn’t he see how much I loathed the person I’d been before I’d moved away?
I wasn’t Cat Ryder anymore. I wished I could get away from her and her stupid mistakes as easily as I could jump on a plane and get away from Jeremy. I just wanted to go back to Chicago, back to my life as Catherine Kelly.
I couldn’t help but wonder if that life would include William. I wasn’t going to put all the blame on him for the failures of the past few days. I’d messed things up too, because I’d had the wrong expectations from the outset. I could see that now. Why did I ever think this was going to be a romantic getaway? The trip to Napa wasn’t a vacation for William. He’d gone because he was being threatened. Again. He’d gone to protect his family and deal with whatever psycho was after his money now. It was never about me or us.
A Sip of You (The Epicurean Series) Page 11