America's Next Reality Star

by Laura Heffernan

  The board lit up. I’d gotten them all right. Yippee!

  I sank to the ground, exhausted. A moment later, two members of the production team led me to where the other Fish waited.

  “How’d you do?” Joshua asked. His tone was casual, but he must’ve been dying to know whether his sabotage paid off.

  “You know, I forgot to look at the timer! Oops.” I smiled sweetly, wondering what other tricks he had up his sleeve.

  Of course I lied. I finished in four minutes, fifty-seven seconds.

  Tall told me on the way to the waiting area that they didn’t expect anyone to break five minutes, which sent a rush of excitement through me.

  I smiled gratefully when Justin appeared and handed me a cup of water. “Thank you!”

  He sat next to me, and Joshua wandered away. “I told him it took me thirty-seven minutes. Jerk. None of the answers he gave were on any of the cards.”

  “Me, too! He said his favorite color was rainbow glitter.”

  “What? That’s my favorite color!” Justin gasped in mock horror. “I can’t believe he stole my answer!”

  I couldn’t believe how easy it was to sit and talk to this guy. Cute, smart, and charming? There had to be a catch, right? Like maybe he secretly had eleven ex-wives buried in his basement. Or maybe he couldn’t enjoy sex unless bearded midgets in neon orange tutus tickled him.

  We chatted as the other contestants trickled into the room. By the time Ariana horned in, we were deep in conversation.

  “I’ve always wanted to see the Louvre,” Justin said.

  “What’s that?” She plopped down between us, forcing me to scoot off to one side to avoid an actress in my lap. “Some kind of horror movie? The Ooze?”

  Justin’s eyebrows knit together. “The Louvre? In Paris?” At her vacant look, he said, “It’s the most famous art museum in the world.”

  “Oh! Of course!” Ariana laughed a shade too loudly. She learned forward, giving us an eyeful of her perfect cleavage. Something pinged in the back of my mind.

  “I thought you said you had an art history degree?”

  Justin tilted his head at her. “That’s right. You’ve never heard of the Louvre?”

  “Obviously, I’ve heard of the Loouve,” Ariana trilled. “Like I said, I thought you said The Ooze. I love the Loouve. I’ve been there a million times.”

  Then why don’t you know how to pronounce it?

  “I’d love to see it. I’ve only ever been to the Met, during my high school’s senior trip,” I said instead. “Ariana, what’s your favorite piece there?”

  She snorted. “You think you’re so smart. You can’t fool me. The Mets are a baseball team.”

  Justin gaped at her. “The Met is a huge museum. The Metropolitan Museum of Art? Don’t you live in New York City? It’s in Central Park.”

  She opened her mouth, then closed it. Twice. The wheels turned inside her head, but she’d been caught. No way anyone with an art history degree had never heard of these places. Especially since she lived in New York. It’s not like I mentioned some tiny Seattle art gallery hidden in a back alley behind the Pizza Hut.

  Finally, she lifted her chin and sniffed. “I’m sorry, guys. I’d love to stay and chat, but Jen, you need a shower. I’m going to sit somewhere less pungent.” She rose and glided away to sit with Mike. He beamed up at her as she settled beside him, her breasts almost grazing his nose.

  With Mike distracted by her attributes, Ariana shot Justin a wounded look. For a moment, shame filled me. “I guess I wasn’t very nice to her. But I didn’t think anyone would lie about something so irrelevant as a college major.”

  “Me, neither. Why would anyone care?”

  "Who knows?"

  Justin leaned toward me and gave an exaggerated sniff. “Anyway, for what it’s worth, I think you smell fine for someone who just ran a marathon.”

  I laughed. “Thanks! You, too.”

  Later that night, they gathered us to announce the official results from the challenge. I plopped on the couch between Ed and Birdie, trying not to appear anxious when Bella entered.

  “In this envelope, I have the results. However, before I get to that, there’s something we need to discuss.”

  Curious, I looked around the room. Justin caught my eye and tilted his head slightly toward Joshua. In his shoes, I’d have been sweating, but “J-dawg” wore the same smug, arrogant look as usual.

  Bella dropped her smile and continued. “The purpose of this challenge was for you to get together, talk, learn about the others in the Fishbowl, and see who remembered what. As such, there was an implicit requirement that you’d provide honest answers to the questions.”

  I clapped my hands over my mouth to suppress a grin. We all knew Joshua had cheated! “J-dawg, the answers you gave your fellow contestants did not match the information you provided to the producers. You also fed different answers to each contestant, creating confusion. As a result, you have been disqualified. You are automatically up for elimination. I’m sorry.”

  A silence fell across the room. I wanted to cheer, but knew it would be unsportsmanlike. Instead, I arranged my face into an expression showing appropriate concern and shock.

  Birdie nudged me. “Relax. You look like you have diarrhea.”

  I settled for wrapping my arms around my knees and hiding my smile against my legs.

  “As for the rest of you, I’m sure you want to know your scores. Everyone stand. When I call your name, you may sit.” She paused while we arranged ourselves. “Birdie, Rachel, Raj, Ariana, Justin. If I have called your name—congratulations! Your scores were not the worst.”

  Wait a minute. I was one of the worst? I thought I did really well.

  “Abram and Jennifer, you completed the challenge in the least amount of time. One of you is the winner and is guaranteed another week in the Fishbowl.”

  This time, I allowed the corners of my mouth to stretch upward.

  “Mike and Maria, one of you had the worst time and is therefore up for elimination.”

  After another dramatic pause, she continued. “Congratulations, Abram! You had the fastest time! Well done!”

  My smile faltered, but picturing the way Justin looked at me earlier brought it back.

  “Jennifer, you were only three seconds behind him. Excellent job! You may be seated.”

  Second place! Not bad.

  Abram’s height gave him an undeniable advantage. I didn’t begrudge him the victory, although I was disappointed.

  “Well done, man.” I offered him a high five.

  “You, too!”

  “This was a tight race.” Bella went on, dragging the results out for the sake of drama. “The total difference between first and last place was less than five minutes. Maria, Mike, only 1.8 seconds separated you. That’s very close.”

  Maria bit her lip and smoothed her silky curls. Mike rubbed his head, looking from Bella to Maria and back.

  “Mike, I’m sorry, but your score was the lowest. You are up for elimination.”

  Maria shook his hand and sat, trying not to look relieved.

  “The episode airs on Sunday night. On Monday morning, we will let you know who else the viewers have nominated for elimination. Have a nice weekend, everyone.” She waved and flashed another smile, then sashayed out of the room.

  “Hey, Jen,” Joshua said. “Sorry you didn’t win because men are more athletic than women.”

  Behind me, Birdie let out a sound of outrage, but I forced myself not to react. That was, after all, what he wanted. After only a few days, his ridiculous insults were more tiring than upsetting. I opened my mouth to respond, but Ed beat me to it.

  “Hey, Joshua, I’d love to say I’m sorry your lying ass got caught cheating and you’re up for elimination, but I’m not. This Fishbowl will be a better place once you’re gone.”

  Muscles bulged under Ed’s tight T-shirt as he crossed his arms. If Joshua noticed, he d
idn’t react.

  “Oh, so now Jennifer needs you to protect her? Jen, are you hiding behind the gay guy? That’s pathetic.”

  I’d heard enough. “I don’t need anyone to protect me. Your opinion means nothing, so no response is required. If that’s the best you’ve got, you should give up. When you talk, all I feel is hot wind rushing past my face.”

  “Like this?” Joshua leaned closer and exhaled heavily. His breath reeked of beer.

  Ed lunged across the couch, but Justin and Ariana caught him. I stepped backward, trying to stay out of Joshua’s reach.

  Rachel stepped in, forcing him away from me. “Let’s go, Joshua. You’re drunk, and you’re not making any friends.”

  “I don’t need to make friends with these fat, ugly losers!” Joshua spat at us.

  Rachel walked forward, making him take another step back. She grabbed one arm and turned him so their backs were to the rest of us.

  “You need them to not vote you out if you want to win. Come on. I’ll get you something to eat.” She pulled him toward the kitchen. Raj went to help.

  As they dragged him through the door, Joshua yelled over his shoulder. “I don’t need their votes! America will save me, totes! Watch me, yo! Everyone loves the villain! When the votes are in, I’ll be here, chillin’! J-dawg forever, bitches!”

  Silence fell over the room as Rachel shut the kitchen door. Justin and Ariana let go of Ed, who dropped on to the empty couch, his head in his hands. He took deep breaths, exhaling slowly.

  Mike fiddled with a guitar pick, walking it back and forth across his knuckles. “Here I thought I’d have to persuade you guys to let me stay, but now I’d like to thank Joshua for doing the heavy lifting. Who’s up for some pool?”

  Everyone laughed as Abram and Ed followed Mike out of the room. I stayed on the couch and silently counted the votes on my fingers: Justin, Ed, Birdie, Mike, Abram, Raj, and Maria were all voting for Joshua. Plus me. I didn’t know about Ariana, but it didn’t matter. Joshua would have at least eight out of eleven votes.

  The viewers probably wouldn’t vote to save him, unless they adored badly manufactured drama. There was an excellent chance we wouldn’t have to put up with Joshua much longer.

  * * *

  The viewers voted to put Maria up for elimination again, but we’d reached a consensus long before Bella gave the results. Joshua was leaving, as long as the viewers didn’t save him.

  After dinner, most of the Fish gathered in the living room after dinner to wait for Bella and the results. Rachel and Joshua joined us last. She patted her blond hair nervously and adjusted a bra strap as they entered. His T-shirt was inside out.

  “Thank you for joining me, everyone!” Bella smiled as she held up the envelope. “I hold in my hand the results from the second elimination. Are you ready?”

  “YES!” Ed, Maria, and Birdie responded in unison. They exchanged a look and burst out laughing. I giggled. Joshua glared at them. Rachel stared at the floor.

  Once they composed themselves, Bella opened the envelope. I wondered if she knew the results ahead of time and pulled the same blank piece of paper out of the envelope every week for dramatic effect.

  “I’m very sorry, J-dawg, but your fellow contestants have spoken. You have been eliminated. Please pack your things. You will be leaving The Fishbowl immediately.”

  Maria started clapping before Bella even finished the first sentence.

  The only one who acted genuinely surprised was Joshua. He must’ve thought America would like his shtick. His jaw dropped and his eyes bulged as he jumped to his feet, spread his arms, and threw his head back.

  “What?” he roared. “No more J-dawg! I got robbed!”

  Joshua grabbed one of the green cushions off the floor and threw it at the couch. Birdie dove out of the way, but Abram reached one long arm out and caught it easily. He stood and crossed his arms over the pillow, towering over Joshua. Ed, several inches shorter but well built, stood next to Abram.

  Bella made a hand motion at the doorway, and two members of the staff inched toward the living room entrance. Probably in case Joshua needed to be escorted out.

  No one else said anything. If he hoped to provoke another fight, he wasn’t going to get his wish.

  “’Sup, America? You couldn’t save the J-dawg? What if I do this?”

  He dropped to the ground, grabbed his legs, and spun in a circle. Then he laid flat and began humping the ground. Oh, dear Lord. He was break dancing.

  “I’m sorry, Joshua, but you need to go now. You’ve—”

  Joshua spun up on to his head and began to rotate in circles. It would’ve been cool if it wasn’t such a bizarre reaction to being eliminated. Maybe he’d have stayed longer if he’d spent more time doing tricks and less time being a jerk.

  Finally, the security staff persuaded Joshua to leave the room. Rachel followed.

  “You guys,” Bella admonished us. “You’re required to go stand in the hall and say good-bye. You don’t have to pretend you’re sorry to see him go.”

  Abram moved toward the doorway first. “I guess we owe it to Joshua not to be sore winners.”

  To me, it was less about being a sore winner and more about never wanting to see that jerk again. Still, Abram was right. Reluctantly, I followed. The others crowded behind me as we waited to say good-bye.

  “Oh, yeah? Well, I’m glad to leave all you snoozers!” Joshua thundered down the stairs, dropping his suitcase at the bottom.

  When he continued to rant and rave, Tall and a couple other members of the production team hovered outside the open front door.

  “I don’t want to hang out with you losers! You haven’t seen the last of me, bitchezzzzzz!” He made no effort to move toward the front door.

  Two production assistants came into the house and grabbed Joshua’s shoulders. As they wrestled him out the door, he continued to yell, “You’ll regret eliminating the J-dawg! I’m going to haunt your dreams! I—”

  Mercifully, the door slammed shut, cutting him off. Ed moved forward and picked up the suitcase lying forgotten in the hallway. When he opened the door, Joshua’s shouts filtered into the room, although the words were unintelligible.

  Ed tossed the suitcase out the door. “Good-bye! Be sure not to write!”

  As he slammed the door a second time, the entire hallway heaved a sigh of relief.

  “And GOOD RIDDANCE!”

  CHAPTER 10

  Jennifer in The School Room, Week 3:

  I’m so glad Joshua is gone. No, I will NOT miss him! He was so rude. That can’t be his normal personality. He must’ve been putting on an act. Still, he was no fun to be around.

  That night, when he was in my face? I was a little freaked out. Sure, I’d like to think Joshua isn’t the sort of guy who would hit a woman unprovoked, but he’d been drinking, and I thought Ed might punch him to defend my honor. Not that my honor needs defending, and not that I care what Joshua thinks.

  Oh, right, Ed. Joshua’s a lot bigger than he is. I’m glad Rachel stepped in. For some reason, that jerk listens to her.

  Another thing no one ever told me about reality television: there are times when being on the show could be excruciatingly dull. The day after Joshua’s departure, it rained all day. We were confined to the house and bored out of our minds. Living in Seattle, I’m no stranger to rain, but I didn’t plan to spend my summer in Los Angeles getting drenched in thunderstorms.

  At home, a rainy day meant surfing the Internet, watching TV, cleaning my apartment, doing laundry, baking cookies, or redecorating. One Saturday, I’d painted a bunch of different-sized crystal plates I found at Goodwill and hung them on the walls. No one believed my artwork cost less than ten dollars.

  That wasn't possible inside the Fishbowl. When it rained here, ten people sat in a room talking about cabin fever. Not exactly riveting television. We played charades for a while, but it didn’t take long to run out of ideas.

  F
inally, Ariana asked the producers for a sketch pad and some charcoal. One at a time, we sat for portraits. After we’d established that she didn’t know famous art museums, I was surprised to see that the results showed talent, if they weren’t one hundred percent accurate.

  Justin’s cute, but he didn’t look like Ryan Gosling. And why did she make my chin so huge?

  I pushed the thought aside and asked the producers for ingredients to make cookies.Baking occupied me for a couple of hours. Unfortunately, the cookies disappeared so fast, I realized two things. First, I didn’t want to spend the rest of my summer baking constantly for other people. Second, if I did, we would all gain ridiculous amounts of weight. We needed more options.Maria and Rachel painted each other’s toenails in the second-floor sitting room while Birdie gave herself a manicure.

  “This is the third time I’ve done my nails this week,” she informed me. “Look. I learned tiger stripes!” She raised her hands against the backdrop of her red hair and growled.

  Raj, Ed, Abram, and Justin played darts. The last time I played darts, I somehow threw one straight up in the air. The plastic end hit me in the head. In my defense, it was college and I’d been drinking, but I didn’t need to try again on national television. Mike and Ariana were nowhere to be found. Mike seemed okay, but I wasn’t in a hurry to find Ariana.

  I watched the game for a while, then asked the producers for board games or a deck of cards. They refused. Desperate for an activity other than climbing the walls or eating, I asked for construction paper, markers, and scissors. When I got them, I sat at the table and made a deck of playing cards. I spent the entire afternoon teaching Ed how to play Casino, an old card game I used to play with my grandmother, while Birdie watched.

  After dinner, Justin approached me. “Did Grandma teach you any other card games?”

  “Just Spite & Malice. It’s fun, but we need two decks. And I’m not positive I remember all the rules.”