I unlocked the door and pushed it open. Manny came shuffling over to greet me and my visitor. I stepped in and turned to say goodbye, but he was already walking down the steps to leave. I honestly was a little surprised that he didn’t try to come in or assume that he was invited.
“Thank you... for bringing me home. It was a lot nicer than being alone. And at least I know I didn’t have to worry about falling on my ass,” I said jokingly.
“Mission accomplished,” he said as he walked back toward me to give me a high five. He didn’t have to walk up the couple of steps to reach me. I was only a little taller than him from where I stood when he stayed on the ground. “Thanks for the company, Miss Stephens. See you around?”
Smiling at him, I nodded and closed the door. The slight sting on my palm lingered from our hands slapping together. My mind was quiet for the first time since I’d left my house earlier, but my body sure wasn’t. Excitement, striking me like a bolt of lightning, ran through my body, sending electricity through my nerve endings. For the first time in a long time, I had real feelings for someone developing. I couldn’t say if those feelings were lust or if there was more to it than that, but in that moment, I let myself enjoy it.
Although I felt positively giddy, the realization quickly set in that he probably wasn’t as interested in me as I was in him, and even if he was, I could never tolerate all those women trying to throw their lady bits at him all the time. I truly was my own worst enemy.
CHAPTER 6 – ASH LONDON
Sighing heavily, I sat my ass down in my favorite chair. My head ached and it felt great to loosen my hair and run my fingers through it. I wanted more than anything to shut my brain off, but that wasn’t going to happen, not when I felt the way I did. When I started to lose control over my emotions and the way I felt, I couldn’t focus on anything but the source of those feelings. These were times when I normally would pick up a bass or a guitar or a notebook and pen and start writing, using the disturbance as inspiration.
The source of why I was feeling like I was coming undone? Lila. Not only was she taking up residence in my head, I didn’t know enough to write about her. Nothing seemed to be taking her away from my thoughts. I could’ve been doing something productive, like cleaning the house or starting on the mountain of laundry I had piled up. I didn’t see any of that happening, though. All I could focus on was how much I wanted to see her again. I fought every instinct I had to go back to her house and just tell her I wanted her. That’s all I ever had to do any other time, but she felt different to me, and I didn’t trust my normal pickup habits to work.
The first night I met her, I viewed the whole thing like it was a game and one night with her in my bed was the prize to be won. I began to see her in a different light once I actually talked to her. There was a spark between us that I couldn’t deny no matter how hard I might have tried. I told myself over and over for so long how much I wanted to find a good woman to settle down with, but never really did anything to pursue that goal. Now, here she was, literally thrown into my arms—twice. Maybe the universe was trying to tell me something.
I would have to approach her differently than I usually did when I was interested in a woman. I wouldn’t be able to be blunt and tell her my intentions. There was something damaged about her. She was broken, but I knew I could fix her. How I would do it or why I cared so much in such a short period of time, I didn’t know, but I was willing to give it my all. No one had ever reacted to my touch the way she did, and I knew by the way she pulled away from me that she was scared for that split second. Sure, I’d had fans just about pass out from a quick hug, but this was different. I thought for a minute she might jump out of her skin when I touched her. If we hadn’t been on a moving train, she just might have ran away.
I’d have to take it slow with her and prove to her that I was worth trusting and that I could take care of her like no one else could. I had the means physically and financially to keep her safe and give her anything her heart and body desired.
As eager as I was to spend time with her, I couldn’t let my guard down completely just yet. I had to protect myself in case she was playing me for a fool like so many others before her had attempted to do. I had no idea what she might want from me, and it was entirely possible that she was doing a damn fine job of putting on a show.
There was nothing I wouldn’t give or do to find the deep love I had yearned for. I would give back all of the fame and what fortune I had if I could truly be happy and have the type of connection I wanted.
If I somehow managed to start a relationship with her, would she want to deal with the things that go along with being a touring musician’s girlfriend, like being separated for long periods of time, partying, and dealing with people always trying to get at me?
I had a lot of crazed fans that had done some pretty fucked up shit over the years, including showing up at my door at two in the morning demanding to come in so I would fuck her. My two-year-old-at-the-time nephew slept in the other room the same night this occurred. He was one of the only things in the world that made me feel like a normal person. To him I was just Uncle Ash. Of course, I got rid of her because my sister would’ve had a shit fit had she found out, but I also wasn’t trying to take my responsibility to my nephew lightly either. This type of fan wasn’t one I would want to expose Lila to either.
I had taken great care over the years to protect my personal life and those I cared about. I didn’t even use my real name because it would be too easy for psychos or paparazzi to find me. Not that the paparazzi was that much of an issue. They didn’t seem to care as much about musicians as they did actors, and there was a major benefit to living in New York. Generally, the people around you just didn’t give a shit about you or who you were as long as you left them alone and went about your business.
I had some ruthless fans that made me fear for Lila’s safety if she became a permanent part of my life. I’d even had letters placed at my front door threatening anyone who I might be romantically involved with. Sort of like a “if I can’t have you, no one will” kind of thing. This type of woman was not one I would ever get involved with, but they were too cracked to realize that. I was used to that kind of craziness, but there was no way she was.
All of these thoughts brought me back to my most recent stance on relationships: don’t get in one because it won’t turn out well. It would be unfair to Lila. I wouldn’t be able to be with her full time and treat her the way I wanted to treat her. I wouldn’t be able to be with her the way I wanted to be with her. My career, the one that had given me so much in life, was once again taking away the one thing I wanted the most.
Standing up, I reluctantly hauled my ass into the kitchen. I poured myself a shot of vodka and downed it quickly. I needed some kind of distraction before my brain overloaded itself. It looked like it was going to take a lot more than one shot to do the job.
CHAPTER 7 – LILA STEPHENS
I awoke from a deep slumber where I’d spent the better part of the night with Ash in my dreams. Once I wiped the sleep from my eyes and drool from my chin, reality set in and I managed to drag myself out of bed. I took a quick shower, brushed my teeth and slipped into a comfy T-shirt and yoga pants. Work called my name, so I sat down at the computer with a cup of tea to start on some payroll accounts I needed to process by the next day.
Despite my workload, the allure of the internet pulled me in, gnawing at me to research Ferrum. Although Ash’s voice was something that I liked immediately years before, and they were my friend’s husband’s band, I really could only call myself a casual fan. Gone were the days of obsessing over every detail of a band I could find like I’d done as a teenager. Being an adult with real grown up responsibilities had turned me into a casual listener of music, though I did tend to fall back on old favorites when times were tough.
What I found as I browsed through websites were mostly live performances, some interviews usually featuring Ash, but also Matty and Dax—the drummer whom I
had yet to meet—and a ton of fan-made videos. I watched a few of them and skimmed through the hundreds of comments left on the live concert footage and interviews to get a feel for Ferrum’s fan base and what they thought of Ash, in particular.
Many of the comments were directed toward Ash and how hot he was. Couldn’t disagree there. Some of them made me laugh with how ridiculous they sounded. I didn’t know all that much about Ash personally, but so far I could tell when he was joking and when he wasn’t. I had a hard time comprehending how so called die-hard fans didn’t notice the difference and took everything he said at face value. I guess though maybe it was easy to get lost in his words and lose touch with reality at times, so maybe I was a little quick to judge.
I spent the better part of two hours enthralled with all things Ash. Even looking at him on a computer screen made my skin prickle. When he looked into the camera, I found it hard to look into his eyes for fear of how my body would react. Even on my computer screen it was like he was right there watching me watch him.
His strong jawline, deep set blue eyes and those perfectly shaped firm lips spoke to my body, bidding it to break free from the chains I’d placed around myself. I wanted to throw all of my inhibitions to the wind and give into him. Too bad he wasn’t really there…
I browsed through images of him playing his bass and studied every detail of his hands from the length of his fingers to the shape of his nails and the strength they undoubtedly possessed. Why hands were so fascinating to me, I don’t know, but I’d always found some of them to be quite beautiful. I imagined his all over my body and could almost feel his touch, gliding over my skin.
That was about the time I decided to snap the hell out of acting like a teenager with a rock star crush that would never be fulfilled. Geez, I’m a grown ass woman. Act like it for fuck’s sake.
* * *
As I finished up my work for the day, a favorite song of mine from my teenage years rang out. It was Tori and she was calling, no doubt, to see what went down with Ash and me the night before.
I took a deep breath and exhaled. “Hello?”
“So, give me the details. All of them.” As usual, she was wasting no time at all on getting to the point. “Did you two get it on?”
“Absolutely not!” Sitting back in my chair, I dragged a hand through my hair and said, “Once I got past being a little freaked out, it was actually nice. He was very nice to me. He wasn’t at all like what I expected him to be.”
“I’m not surprised. He’s a lot different when you know him than what he puts out there. I think you guys would be great together. Then Matty and I would have our go-to couple to hang out with,” she said with a chuckle. “Dax is a lost cause. I don’t think he’ll ever settle down with anyone, so that leaves Ash and you.”
“Oh, I see how it is. You want to manipulate my love life for your own benefit. You evil, evil woman.”
“Damn it! You figured me out. It gets lonely being a stage wife, you know?” Tori asked with a chuckle.
“I hardly think that will happen. I just met the guy, and I don’t think he’s that into me. How could he be? That was the first time I even really talked to him.”
An abrupt guffaw erupted into my ear. “Are you blind? Why do you think he’s not into you? You’re an intelligent woman who just happens to be a little hottie, even if you won’t admit it to yourself.” She paused to laugh. “You always do this. A guy couldn’t be more into you, and you’re oblivious. Let me spell it out for you. He stood up for you the other night, went with you to get food so you would be safe, and he took you home last night. I bet he even made sure you got in your house before he left, didn’t he?”
I sighed and answered, “He did.”
“Listen to me. You know I’ve been around this band since the beginning, and I’ve seen it all. If he didn’t like you, he wouldn’t give you the time of day. He’d disappear and you wouldn’t see him again.”
“I don’t know about that. He seemed pretty friendly with all those women the other night. Didn’t much look like he was trying to get away from any of them.”
“He was just keeping up the image. All of the guys flirt with women. It’s practically in their contract.”
I sighed—again—wishing we could change the subject, but I knew she wouldn’t let up that easily. “Yeah, well maybe he was keeping up that image with me, too.”
“No… it’s different. I could tell by the way he looked at you that he was digging you. He kept watching you. I know you saw it, too, but there were times you didn’t see him. I swear, his eyes didn’t leave you for more than a few minutes here and there the whole time. I didn’t see anything even remotely close to the distant way they all flirt with girls.”
“I’m still not convinced. I don’t understand why there is so much faux flirting going on if they’re not really interested. And why would anyone want to be fake flirted at anyway? Do people really put that much stock in the guys’ words?”
“It’s all part of that rock star crush fantasy… They keep their fans happy by making great music, but also seeming like they’re available to the ladies. In case you haven’t noticed, they have a huge female following. All the guys are attractive, but I suppose I might be a little biased when it comes to the guitar player.” Tori giggled.
“And you’re okay with that? With women thinking they could really have him, I mean?”
“Not at first, no. I had to come to terms with it over time though and trust that Matty loved and respected me enough to not seriously carry on with anyone else. That’s partly why we were together for so long before we got married.”
“I’ve never known musicians with any real success. Most of the ones I knew never got out of the garage, so this is all new territory for me.”
“I know. I’ve been there. Trust me.”
I contemplated whether or not to just tell her I’d developed a crush the likes of a hormonal teenager who’d found their one true love for the first time. I closed my eyes and said, “I do have to admit, I might just have a tiny crush on him, but please don’t tell him or Matty or anyone else who might tell him.” I felt like such a girl asking my best friend to keep my crush a secret. Did I somehow wake up thirteen again?
“I promise. Your secret is safe with me.”
“I appreciate that. I’ve forgotten what all this flirty back and forth stuff is like.”
“Why haven’t you hooked up with a few guys here and there anyway? I know you were busy with Edie when she got sick, but you haven’t said anything about anyone for a while now, not since that one dude—Phillip, was it?”
I shuddered at the mention of his name and swallowed hard. Thankfully, she kept on talking without dwelling on him.
“I remember you got hit on all the time in high school, and even then you always brushed it off as something that couldn’t possibly be happening to you. I can’t imagine you don’t have guys interested in you now. You’ve probably been ignoring their advances this whole time with your I’m-not-worthy blinders.” She laughed once again. If I didn’t know her so well, I’d have thought she was making fun of me in a mean sort of way, but that wasn’t the case. We always teased each other, and this time was no different.
“I just haven’t found anyone worth getting to know, and the ones I have given a chance to turned out to be not so good.”
“They aren’t all assholes, just most of them… Well, I better go. Matty is taking me out to eat in a little bit… Speaking of, do you want to meet for lunch tomorrow?”
“Sure. Where?”
“I don’t know, I’ll text you tomorrow morning… Oh, before I forget, do you want to go with me to Bergdorf’s sometime soon?”
“Uh, yeah! I would love to.”
A new pair of shoes would do wonders for my self-esteem.
* * *
I hustled down the street to the train station, keenly aware that I was coming upon Ash’s house. I made sure to cross to the other side of the street long before I got there so h
e didn’t think I was looking for him if he happened to see me passing by.
I didn’t know if I wanted to run into him or not, but I had to take my chances either way to get to my lunch date with Tori. She’d texted me the name of a restaurant in Manhattan, and I used any excuse I could to go into the city, but the excitement and newness of taking the train everywhere I went had worn off quickly. Truth be told, I’d considered going to get my car. I’d left it behind for Paige to use until I decided what to do with it. I knew I didn’t really need it, but I missed driving at times even though the parking situation could be a nightmare.
Shortly after I’d passed Ash’s house, I got the feeling that I was being followed. There were people all around doing various things and street noise, but the unmistakable sound of a car slowing just behind me was one I couldn’t ignore. Ready to bolt if I had to, a familiar voice called to me through the rolled down passenger window.
“You need a ride?”
I quickly turned, and saw the face of the man I’d been crushing on instead of a would-be kidnapper. “Jesus Christ! I thought you were going to attack me or something.”
“Never.”
“Thanks for the offer, but I’m going into the city. I doubt you want to go that far.”
“Get in,” he said, motioning me with his chin. “I’m headed that way.”
I got into the car and buckled myself in. Pushing a strand of hair out of my face, I glanced at him, and said, “Thanks.”
“Yep. Where you headed?”
“You’re probably going to regret your decision to pick me up… Times Square.”
“Aw, man… Tourist capitol of the world. Good thing I’ve got my incognito sunglasses on and my tinted windows. That’s all I need is a fucking mob surrounding me. You know that’s about the only place in the whole of New York where a celebrity is fair game. Everywhere else they just leave you to yourself most of the time. What are you going there for anyway? You’re a citizen now, don’t you know you’re supposed to avoid it?”
Take Me On (Take Me Series Book 1) Page 6