“Guess.”
“Hmmm…” He tapped his chin. “Go-go dancer?”
“Really? That’s what you came up with?”
Shrugging his shoulders, he asked, “Was I close?”
“I’m a CPA.”
“A go-go dancing CPA?”
“Nope. Just a plain old CPA.”
“There is nothing plain about you… I was just thinking about getting a new accountant. Are you taking new clients?”
“Yes. I suppose I am, but why would you want a new accountant if you have one already? It’s much easier to stay with the person you already have than it is to find someone new who has to learn all the ins and outs of your finances and expenses.”
“I don’t like dealing with my guy at all.”
“I don’t know if I want the job then if that’s the case.”
“No, it’s not that I don’t want to deal with an accountant, it’s just that he has gotten weirder and weirder over the years. I hired him in a different life, and I’m not sure I can really trust him. He reminds me of a weasel.”
“A weasel?” I laughed. And just what does he mean by a different life?
“Yes. He’s got these beady little eyes,” he said as he squinted and wiggled his fingers around in front of his eyes. “He’s always acting like he’s hiding something.”
“Sounds like it’s time to get a new accountant then.”
“Yeah, he’s related to my ex, too, and I always wonder just how well he keeps my personal business to himself.”
Well, that explains the different life comment. Curiosity almost killed the cat. I debated asking him about his past love life. The words were just on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t force them to come out. If I asked him about his past love life, surely he’d ask me about mine, and that was not a subject I was looking to explore. Two nightmare exes did not make good dinner conversation.
He took his cell phone out of his pocket and poked around at it for a minute. “Here,” he said as he handed me the phone. “Put your number in there so I can call you when I get home. We can set something up to discuss business.”
I briefly wondered if not having my number was the real reason I hadn’t heard from him after the blizzard, though coming to my house without an invitation hadn’t stopped him before. Maybe he really didn’t want to seem pushy. The loss of his father still had to be raw, and more than likely he was keeping to himself against my advice to him. Any excuse for his absence was better than our awkward kiss.
I entered my number and handed him back the phone. He had me listed as “Lila, Hot CPA.” Yeah, that’s me alright. I’ll have to add that credential to my business card right away.
“Did you want my number, too? You know, in case I forget to call or something?”
“No, I’m not gonna go begging for new clients.” I smirked at him. As much as I did want his number, it would just drive me insane having it. I’d always be trying to make myself call or text him when I knew I wouldn’t. It was an internal struggle I wanted to save myself from.
“So what else is there to know about you?” He leaned forward and rested his forearms on the table.
“I don’t know. What do you want to know?”
“What are you most afraid of?”
“That’s an awfully strange question to be asking.”
“I know, but I like to find out interesting tidbits about people so I sometimes ask unconventional questions. Knowing weird things about a person helps me to connect with them.”
So he wanted to connect with me. That was a good sign. “Okay. Don’t laugh.” I leaned in a little, tightening the gap between us.
“I’ll try.”
“Zombies.” I slammed my eyes shut as I heard him start to chuckle at my confession. “Don’t laugh!”
“You are aware that zombies aren’t real, right?”
“I’m aware…” I said, opening my eyes. “But you have to admit, the whole virus angle is some scary shit, right? It seems plausible.”
“Are vampires scary, too? Or ghosts?”
“Um…” I fidgeted with opening my napkin and taking out my silverware. “Vampires are alright, but you won’t find me spending the night in a haunted asylum anytime soon. Ghosts freak me out.”
“You’re cute.”
I rolled my eyes. When I was younger, I distinctly remember having a crush on two different boys who didn’t return my feelings. They, along with my two exes, told me I was cute. I don’t know why, but it still bugged the hell out of me. I guess I just always wanted a man to tell me I was beautiful and mean it.
“What? What’s wrong with cute?”
“Nothing, I guess.”
“Obviously there’s something wrong with it or you wouldn’t have rolled your eyes at me.”
“It feels sort of demeaning, like I’m a little kid… It’s not beautiful.” I nervously looked away.
“I see. So you think cute is a bad thing.” His eyes focused on me as if he were memorizing every curve of my face. “Trust me. It’s not a bad thing.” He reached over and softly guided my chin with his finger so I would have to look at him. “You are beautiful.” I searched his eyes for any sign of deception, but found none. Maybe he really meant it or maybe he was just resorting to flattery for the hell of it.
The waitress returned, interrupting our moment. The food was done surprisingly fast and looked delicious. Another perk I guess. When you’re famous, your food gets pushed to the front of the line. We ate quickly because news of the members of Ferrum being in the restaurant had spread and a larger crowd was gathering outside to catch a glimpse of the band.
During the few minutes it took us to eat, I wondered if we would pick up our little moment later on. I hoped so. The wine I’d had made me feel adventurous, and I wanted to see where it might take us.
A few minutes later, the waitress came back with our bill.
“Will this be on the same check or separate?” she asked with a grin.
“One,” Ash said before I had a chance to tell her to separate them. She laid the bill down and smiled at Ash as she turned to leave.
“You don’t have to pay for mine. I have money.” I said, rummaging through my wallet.
“Who says I’m paying? I assumed you were paying for both of us, Miss Big Shot CPA. You’ve already set a precedent with buying me pizza. Or did you think I forgot about that.”
“Alright.” I smiled confidently and looked him square in the eye as I whipped out my debit card. “That’s fine with me.” I didn’t need a rock star throwing his money around if he didn’t want to. I was quite capable of taking care of the bill.
“Kidding! What do you take me for, some kind of Neanderthal? This was our first real date after all.” Sliding the bill away from me, he jammed his other hand in his pocket and pulled out a wad of cash.
“Oh really?”
“Mmhmm.” He threw down two one-hundred-dollar bills for an eighty dollar ticket on the table. She was going to be one happy waitress, even happier than she already was just to meet Ash. I had no doubt he’d cemented a permanent fan with that act. “Watching me drink and cry or being insulted by my family at my father’s wake doesn’t count as a date.”
“I don’t recall being asked out either way so I don’t think it counts.”
“Well, you’re wrong. This time counts.”
I shook my head defiantly while he nodded.
“Had I known this would be a date, I would’ve dressed a little nicer.” I suddenly felt that my jeans and plain grey shirt weren’t very fashionable. I made a mental note to change before the show. “I would’ve at least thrown on some nicer shoes.”
“You’re dressed just fine,” he said as he sat back in his chair and gave me a once over.
* * *
Sitting backstage at a table with Tori after the show, I nursed a glass of wine as others around me slammed back shot after shot and beer after beer. I would’ve enjoyed a nice fruity cocktail of some sort, but my options were very li
mited. The party raged on around us, but a sadness settled over me. We were leaving the next day, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to part ways with him just yet. I barely knew him, but I couldn’t help the way I felt. He was growing on me by the second, and a horrible fear that he would forget about me once I left or that I was just some form of entertainment for him in the moment clouded my thoughts.
Signing autographs and posing for pictures, he sat across the room, occasionally glancing in my direction and patting his lap like he wanted me to come and sit with him. I shook my head playfully each time he’d done it until he finally gave up. He’d had quite a bit to drink, starting with the beer he had at dinner earlier, followed by I don’t know how many shots before and after the show. Despite the alcohol consumption, he kept himself somewhat composed as he chatted with fans, though it probably wasn’t hard to do since he hadn’t bothered to get up from where he sat.
Tori and I discussed our plans for leaving the next day while the guys continued to mingle with fans. We’d decided we’d go as far as Atlanta with the guys and then catch a flight home. One more night in his bed, and I was already worried that I wouldn’t get to sleep, especially if he came in so quickly again. The wine was really kicking in by that point, and I was getting very close to throwing my inhibitions to the wind and declaring that I was getting a piece of Ash that night whether I would regret it the next day or not.
The moment we’d had earlier at dinner only spurred my attraction to him. I wanted to believe that he meant what he said, but I still had reservations. He was a rock star after all, and had enough experience to know what to say to a woman to make her heart skip a beat and her panties wet. Getting what he wanted was the norm for him, and I had no doubt he was excellent at playing the game.
I didn’t want to make love to him. I wanted to fuck him. God help me, I did. Every second I pondered it brought me closer to walking right up to him and telling him so. I looked over to admire Ash because if I wasn’t going to fuck him for real right then at least my eyes could.
A scantily clad, rail thin woman with red hair who looked like she needed a power washer to remove all the makeup caked on her face sat on his lap. The same lap I could’ve been sitting on had I only taken him up on the invitation. She was only getting a picture with him, but a pang of jealousy punched me right in the gut, and I remembered one of the great big reasons I had reservations about him, despite the very normal side of himself he’d shown me. I saw the way he looked at her, like he wanted to devour her.
As her friend went to snap a picture, the woman leaned in and kissed him. I mean really kissed him. Like full on trying to eat his face kissed him. I held my breath waiting for him to pull away from her, but he didn’t. He grabbed her hair, returning the kiss as one hand slid down her back and rested on her ass.
Deep down in the pit of my stomach, a flame ignited, threatening to consume me with anger. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have really thought a kiss meant anything to him if he doled them out so easily to anyone? Before standing up to leave, I looked over at Tori, who witnessed the same thing I had. She grabbed my arm and held me in place.
“Don’t pay any attention to that. She’s just trying to make a memory for herself, and he’s playing along. It doesn’t mean anything… Look, she’s leaving already, and he’s not chasing after her.”
Just how far would he go to help a fan make a memory? “I’m fine, really. I’m just tired.” I pulled away from her and left the building. I walked as fast as I could in my Manolos without falling. The last thing I wanted was for that to happen and him to swoop in and rescue me when he was the last person I wanted to see.
As I approached the door to the bus, Leon opened it, granting me a reprieve from the many faces watching me. Heading straight to the back room, I shut the door behind me and collapsed onto the bed. Rehashing every last detail in my head, I pulled the covers up over my head as the tears began to trickle down my face.
Even if what Tori said was true and it didn’t mean anything, I wasn’t okay with other women kissing him, no matter how innocent the reason was. Home beckoned to me, and I was all too willing to answer. The thought of staying there between his sheets one more second sickened me, especially because I had been so close to giving myself to him. It was only a matter of time before he would make his way to the bus.
I got up and threw my stuff back in my bag before pulling my phone from my pocket to search for a local hotel I could walk to. I would find one that I could check into, and worry about booking a flight out from Charlotte the next day. I hoped that Tori would understand that I had to leave, though I wouldn’t have blamed her had she gotten pissed at me.
CHAPTER 20 – ASH LONDON
Cigarettes and stale beer. That’s the nasty taste that lingered on my lips from the stranger who’d only asked for a picture. Before I had a chance to usher the woman out of my lap, she leaned in and kissed me. Catching me off guard in my drunken state, I went with it, though I hoped it’d be over fast. I usually went above and beyond for my fans, even if it meant doing some questionable things now and again.
Only a few seconds it seemed after she said her thanks and got off my lap, the form of an angry woman began to take shape in my peripheral vision. As the figure got closer, I recognized the face of my bandmate’s wife. Tori punched me hard in the shoulder, ordering me to get up.
“Goddamn it, Tori. What’s your fuckin’ problem?” I rubbed the spot where her fist had made contact, though it really didn’t hurt that much.
“Why don’t you tell me what the fuck your problem is, Ash?”
“I don’t have a problem.” I was in no mood for one of Tori’s temper tantrums. I’d been on the receiving end only a few times, but I’d witnessed Matty get bitched out more times than I could count.
“Come over here. I don’t feel like spilling all of your business in front of these trashy groupies.”
I followed her to a small dressing room and shut the door behind us. Even though she was about to bust my balls over something, I didn’t want a drunken mob of women trying to beat her ass for mouthing off.
“What?” My jaw clenched as I glared at her.
“Do you want to explain to me what the fuck you’re doing kissing complete strangers that you’re never going to see again?”
“I’m a grown ass man, Tori. I don’t need anyone’s permission to do what I want. If I wanted to take her back to the bus and fuck the shit out of her, I wouldn’t need your permission to do it.” I was being overly defensive, I know, but there was that Ash London persona taking over again.
“Oh yeah? What about Lila?”
“What about her?” I took a deep breath, remembering that she was probably close by, and maybe had heard me through the door acting like a jackass.
“She saw you, asshole!”
“Fuck.” If there were ever an award for being the dumbest, most insensitive fucking fuck in the world, I’d have won it right then. It was beyond worse than her hearing me say something shitty to Tori.
“Yeah, ‘fuck’ is right. You crushed her. She told me you guys had a really nice dinner, and how she wanted to see you again after all of this. I even told her how awesome that would be for the both of you, and I’ve encouraged her to get to know you better for weeks now. Then you go and act like a dick and ruin the whole thing.”
“I wasn’t thinking.” I truly wasn’t. I’d been used to doing whatever I wanted with no consequences for most of my adult life. I hadn’t even had a steady relationship for a few years. That was the last time I bothered to try and control myself.
“You’re goddamn right you weren’t thinking.”
“Where is she?”
“She went back to the bus.”
“I’ll go talk to her.”
“You better make this right. If you hurt her, I swear I’m gonna kick you in the throat.”
“I’ve had a lot to drink. I didn’t mean to upset her.” Excuses, excuses, I know. It sounded just as bad in my hea
d as it did when it came out of my mouth.
“Too much to drink? Too much to drink? You want me to kick you right now, don’t you? That’s no fucking excuse. She’s not like the women that throw themselves at you that you’ll never see again. She deserves better than this.”
“I know she does. Now let me go so I can find her.”
I ran to the bus, dodging fans and opening act band members who always seemed to want advice on the do’s and don’ts of the industry. A large group of people hoping for autographs crowded around the front of the bus like they often did after a show. I offered a quick apology for not stopping and moved past them. I hurried to the back room. She wasn’t there and neither were her things, so I rushed to the front of the bus to see if anyone had seen where she went.
“Leon, have you seen Tori’s friend, Lila?”
“Yeah, she just left with her bag not five minutes ago. Went walking down that way,” he said as he pointed down the street. “She looked upset. I tried to stop her, but I couldn’t get her to stay. Is everything ok?”
I descended the steps, gave another quick apology, and took off down the street in search of her. I fucked up. I’d lost her and she wasn’t even mine yet.
I searched for her while narrowly dodging fans everywhere I turned for over an hour before I remembered I had her phone number. Walking back toward the bus, I pulled my phone out from my pocket and called her. Every ring got me closer and closer to her not answering. Eventually, the voicemail clicked on.
“Lila… Please let me know you’re okay. I’ve been looking for you and I can’t find you… I’m sorry. I’m a dick. What else can I say? Please call me back so we can talk. I have a lot of things I want to say to you and that you need to hear, but I don’t want to say them in a voicemail. Please, call me back.”
I ended the call as Tori approached me.
“She left. She went to a hotel for the night and is booking a flight back to New York tomorrow.”
“Did she say what hotel she’s at?”
“Oh no… I’m not telling you that.” Tori shoved her way past me.
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