“Tori, please? I’ll leave her alone if that’s what she wants, but I can’t let her go without apologizing. Please, help me.”
“Fine.”
CHAPTER 21 – LILA STEPHENS
My body melted into the bed as I started to doze off in the hotel room. A couple of those teeny tiny bottles of vodka in the mini-fridge coupled with the wine I’d had before helped me to wipe Ash away from my mind, if only momentarily. The pain of seeing him with that other woman threatened to rip through me if I didn’t do something to alter my mental state.
Why? That’s what I kept asking myself before the alcohol began to make my eyelids heavy. I barely knew him. Why was I pining after someone who clearly wasn’t able to be serious about just one person?
A loud knock jarred me awake shortly after I’d drifted off to sleep. Stumbling over to the door as I steadied myself with a hand sliding along the wall, I looked through the peephole expecting to see Tori. She was the only one who knew where I was, and it wouldn’t be unlike her to come and check on me. I owed her an apology for bolting like I did, leaving her to fly home alone. I could’ve won the award for shittiest friend in that moment.
Who I saw was not Tori, but Ash fucking London standing there looking at the floor with his hands behind his back. I almost went back to bed without acknowledging him. Me plus alcohol plus a guy, didn’t equal anything good. Dropping my inhibitions, I took a deep breath and opened the door anyway. He’d already called several times and left a voicemail. He more than likely wouldn’t leave so easily without talking first. Maybe I owed him a chance to explain, though I didn’t really want to hear what he had to say.
“Can I come in?”
“I’d rather you didn’t.” My head spun as I tried to keep my balance and act like I hadn’t been drinking. You’d have thought I’d had a fifth of vodka instead of the two small bottles. What can I say? I was a lightweight drinker.
“I’ll only bother you for a minute.”
“Fine,” I said through clenched teeth.
He shut the door behind him and followed me into the room.
“I tried to call. Did you get my message?”
“Yep.” I plopped myself down on the bed, jamming my feet down into the covers.
“I’m sorry, Lila.” Keeping his distance, he leaned against the wall as he looked over at the empty bottles sitting on the desk.
“Don’t be sorry. You have no obligations to me. I told you that before. You can do what you want.” Suddenly thirsty, I got out of bed and walked over to the mini fridge where I’d planned to raid the alcohol again.
“I didn’t mean to upset you. I’ve had a lot to drink tonight.”
I glared at him with no sympathy.
“I wasn’t thinking,” he said.
“And that is exactly why I could never be with you. You and I have had some sort of weird bonding ritual going on for weeks, yet you forget all about me when it suits you. And this time, you took it upon yourself to make out with some woman right in front of me. How am I supposed to take that? I’m done.” I threw my hands up in the air and let them dramatically fall to my sides.
“Don’t say that. Let me make it up to you.” He stepped closer to me.
“I mean I’m done with men altogether. No good ever comes from one, and you’re no different.”
“I can be different. I promise. Let me show you.” He moved dangerously close to me as one hand gently grasped my hip. I pushed him away as hard as I could before his lips made contact with my neck, but he barely moved. His face lingered next to mine. The smell of alcohol still heavily laced his breath, and I realized he was probably no better off than I was at the moment.
“That is not the way to win me over! You should have figured that out by now. Christ, I couldn’t even let you kiss me for more than a few seconds. What makes you think anything has changed?”
“I just thought maybe you’d let me get closer to you next time despite whatever issues you have. I know something is going on with you or you’d have been all over my dick by now.”
I stepped back and crossed my arms. “Quit acting like a pig. And why would I do that? Because you’re a big, bad rock star? Bull-fucking-shit, Ash. Please leave,” I said, pointing at the door. “You don’t get to have everything you want just because you want it.”
“I’m not leaving.” Standing tall, he tilted his chin up and looked down his nose at me.
“Leave now!” My hands ached at my sides as I clenched them into tight fists.
“You gonna make me?” He reached out and tried to tickle me.
I jumped back instinctively. “Don’t do that, Ash! I mean it!”
“What? What are you gonna do about it? You can’t stop me. I’m bigger than you.” He laughed as he tickled me more, grabbing me and tossing me onto the bed. “We’ve already established that you can’t move me.”
I tried to push him off of me but it was a wasted effort. I knew he meant me no harm, but my heart pounded against the tightened wall of my chest as my hands trembled. “Please, stop,” I begged while the tears began to trickle down my face. “Don’t hurt me,” I whimpered.
He pulled me up, dropping down to his knees. My legs were on either side of his body, and I instinctively tried to squeeze my thighs together despite him being in the way.
Looking deep into my eyes, he said, “I’d never do that.”
The tears streamed down my face and dripped onto my shirt. Surely he thought I was nuts. Maybe he’d realize I was drunk and not take me seriously. I could live with that as long as he didn’t press the issue and figure me out.
“Please don’t cry, baby.” He reached up and brushed a tear away from my cheek.
Pushing his hand away, I said, “Don’t call me that… That’s not who I am to you, so don’t say it like we’re a thing.” I turned my face away from him. The feel of his touch on my face lingered. My meltdown wasn’t really his fault. He had to know that even if I couldn’t tell him the whole truth. “It’s not you.”
“Tell me about it.”
“I can’t.”
“Yes, you can. Tell me.”
“It’s nothing… I’m just a little drunk. I don’t know what I’m saying.”
“You told me it wasn’t me before on the train when I touched your knee and when I kissed you the night the power went out. You weren’t drinking at all either time, so I know that’s not it. I’ve watched you recoil when I’ve barely touched you. You can talk to me, Lila. I swear anything you tell me stays with me. Let me help you.”
I shook my head and looked away as a lingering tear slid down my cheek. “Please, just go,” I whispered
“I won’t leave you… not like this.”
“I’m fine. Just go.”
“I’m not leaving you like this,” he said as his voice became stern. He hesitated, looking away for a second before looking back at me with concern in his eyes. “Who broke you?”
Biting my lip, I stopped myself from telling him the truth. “No one.”
“Don’t lie to me… If you can’t tell me what happened, I get it, but don’t lie when it’s obvious that someone hurt you. I just want to help you.”
The tears I’d fought so hard to stop began to flow again before I even realized what was going on. Crying, I buried my face in my hands to keep from spilling my guts to a man I’d only known a short while. He gently grasped my wrists and moved them away from my face, pulling me to him. As his arms wrapped around my body, I knew deep in my soul that it was time. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I had to let go of the poison that had tainted every part of my life. It was time to let someone else help me bear the weight of the secret I’d held in for so long.
The pain began in the pit of my stomach and spread outward in waves. Taking a deep breath, I said with barely a breath, “I was raped… by my ex and his friend.”
The sharp inhale of his breath echoed against my ear as he held me tight. I almost stopped there. The feeling of telling someone even that much made
me feel lighter somehow, like he really had taken some of the burden away simply by listening to my confession. Continuing on, I pulled away from him and scooted back, leaning against the headboard.
I couldn’t look at him, not when I was about to tell him everything that had screwed up my life and the person I was meant to be. Wiping at the tears flowing down my cheeks, I began. “A couple years back, I met someone and we really hit it off, or so I thought. A few weeks into dating, he invited me to a party that some friends of his were throwing. I didn’t really want to go, but agreed so I could spend time with him. We were having a great time, to my surprise, and had been there for a while when I excused myself to go to the bathroom. After I got back, he handed me a fresh drink and within minutes I started to feel off, like I was lightheaded. At first I thought maybe the drink I’d had was too strong, and I was only just starting to feel the effects of the alcohol, but I realized it was more than that just before everything went black. I trusted him. I thought he was a good one, ya know?”
He stood up and took off his jacket, tossing it onto the floor. Walking around to the other side of the bed, he sat down beside me and took my hands in his. His face gave nothing away. God, what if he was disgusted by me? What if he blamed me for putting myself in that situation in the first place? Would he still want me after knowing I’d been violated?
Struggling to catch my breath, nausea washed over me. Taking deep breaths in through my nose, I tried to calm myself enough to continue on. My hands, shaking almost violently, rested in his hands. “The next thing I knew, I was in some bedroom I’d never seen before with a guy I didn’t really know on top of me while the guy I thought was so great—worthy of my heart and my trust—was watching. I couldn’t move… I couldn’t scream… When his friend finished, he took his place. It went on for what seemed like an eternity. When it was all over, they told me I’d said it was okay and that we’d all had too much to drink. They acted like it was no big deal, and the worst part is, I don’t know if I consented or not because I was drugged. They never admitted it, but I know I was.”
I stopped briefly and closed my eyes. Ash’s arm slid behind my head and wrapped around my shoulder as he brought me closer to him. I turned, leaning against his chest, my tears wetting his shirt. “I’m so damaged that I can’t get close to anyone anymore without feeling like I might burst out of my skin. I hate it. I hate them both for what they’ve done to me. I trusted him.” The sobbing became uncontrollable, unleashing my tears like a flood gate opening.
He held me close, trying to comfort me. “I’m sorry that happened to you… Guys like that deserve to have their balls ripped off,” he said with anger dripping from his voice.
I wiped at my nose and took a deep breath. “Yeah, and girls like me shouldn’t put themselves in those situations to begin with.”
“You’re wrong,” he said as he shook his head. “You’re so wrong. No one deserves to be raped. You don’t actually think you brought that on yourself do you?”
“Sometimes…” That was a slight fabrication because I blamed myself most of the time. I knew how ridiculous it was to victim shame myself, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop myself from doing it. “If I hadn’t accepted that drink, it would never have happened.”
“Maybe not that night, but he would’ve done it eventually, and that has nothing to do with anything you did or didn’t do. Sick fucks like that will find an opportunity. They get off on taking advantage and violating women. You should never feel like it’s your fault, because it isn’t.”
“Realistically… I know that, but I can’t help how I feel. I blame myself, and I think I always will.”
“I’m so sorry for you, Lila. I’d take it all away from you if I could.”
“Well, now you know the real reason I’m single. Men don’t tend to stick around after a couple of dates when they think you’re just a prude and don’t care to know why.”
“Boys, maybe, but not men.”
We were silent for a long while, lying in each other’s arms, before Ash broke the silence.
“Let me stay with you tonight.”
I nodded. He made me feel safe and it dawned on me then that I’d let him hold me without feeling anxious.
“You shouldn’t be alone right now.”
I didn’t want to be alone either. I was drained, both emotionally and physically. Numbness settled over me. I wanted to keep crying, but couldn’t. Maybe I’d exhausted all the tears I had built up for that particular trauma.
He kicked his boots off, maneuvering the covers away from us as he settled in beside me. Turning over to my side, his body pressed against my back as he once again held me tight… and I relished the comfort and warmth his arms provided.
CHAPTER 22 – ASH LONDON
I knew something bad had happened to her. I’d speculated about what it could have been, and hoped it wasn’t one of the things I’d imagined. The worst thing I could think of that could happen to a woman was not what I wanted for her. I didn’t want that to be her secret. My heart broke for her when I realized what was haunting her was the vilest thing a person could do to another person.
When she said she thought it was her fault, I was so pissed at her for that split second. How could she ever think it was her fault? She was the victim. It’s not like she volunteered to be raped. I had to make myself realize that she was suffering. She couldn’t look at it with a clear view because it had broken her.
When she told me she’d been raped, before the rational part of my brain took over, I found myself plotting the deaths of two people I’d never met before. That wasn’t really going to help her, though. The only thing I could do for her was to show her that she deserved to be loved and that it was okay to be touched. I had fallen hard for her despite the fact that we’d spent very little time together. When my father died, she showed me what a caring and genuine person she could be, and I was more determined than ever to show her that I wanted her and cared about her.
A buzzing from my pocket interrupted my thoughts. As I pulled my phone out, the screen showed a message from Dax.
Where are you, jackass? We’re waiting on you.
Go without me. I’ll see you in Atlanta.
Turning off my phone, I tossed it on the nightstand and closed my eyes.
* * *
Rolling to my back, my hands reached up to rub my face and the sleep out of my eyes. For a split second, I’d forgotten where I was when the revelation of the night before came crashing back to mind. Sitting up, I searched the room for Lila. I expected her to still be lying beside me, but when she wasn’t, I’d gotten concerned that she’d left while I was asleep.
I caught a glimpse of her sitting at the foot of the bed in a chair with her knees drawn up to her chest. She stared off at nothing, seemingly forgetting that I was even there. Needing a minute to think of how to approach her, I went to the bathroom to take a piss and look for some mouthwash since I didn’t have anything with me, including my toothbrush. Luckily, there was a small bottle of the stuff sitting on the sink. As I swished the minty liquid around in my mouth, I thought about what I could do for her. Maybe her confession to me had sent her down a dark path and she needed someone to hold her hand to keep her from going completely over the edge.
I wasn’t equipped to deal with an emotional breakdown. I could barely handle myself at times, but something deep down in my gut told me she needed me, and only me, to help her through this. Entering the room, I walked over the chair where she sat, still staring at nothing, and knelt in front of her.
Taking her hand, I said, “Hey, beautiful… you okay?”
She shook her head, eyes welling up with tears. Reaching out for me, she wrapped her arms around my neck, her fingers tangling into my hair. I slid my arms around her waist as I stood, pulling her up to me. Clinging to my neck, she hopped up, bringing her legs around me as I moved my hands under her ass to support her.
Our eyes locked with one another just before her lips crashed into
mine.
CHAPTER 23 – LILA STEPHENS
An air of desperation came over me, hitting me so hard it almost knocked me on my ass. In that moment, the only thing I wanted to do was put my past completely behind me and forget about all of it. I wanted to liberate myself.
Catching him by surprise, I clung to his body as my lips sought out his. Strong hands grasping my ass, pulled me closer. We collapsed onto the bed with him on top of me. “I haven’t been with anyone since,” I whispered. The flicker of panic started to ignite in my gut, but before I let it take over, I blurted out, “Just do it already. Fuck me…”
He pulled back, looking down at me with his brows knitted. Adjusting his weight to the side, he brushed my cheek with his hand and said, “Not like this.”
He leaned down to kiss me again, but I managed to scoot out from underneath him. Flinging my legs over the side of the bed, I stood, ready to flee to the bathroom.
“Please don’t be angry…”
I stopped, turning around to face him, though I wasn’t able to look right at him. The rejection had stung, especially since I hadn’t allowed myself time to prepare for it beforehand. Never once did I think that he’d say he didn’t want to have sex with me, especially after all the times he’d implied or outright told me he’d do anything I wanted. He was certainly acting like that’s what he wanted, too. I began to think he was playing mind games with me. The flicker of panic in my stomach, blazed into full on rage. “What? Me… angry? No… Why would I be angry? It isn’t every day that you decide you’ve found the person you want to give yourself to after spilling the secret you’ve kept to yourself for years only to be rejected by that same person. So much for trust. Learned my lesson… Again.”
He stood straight up, shoulders back, and pointed his finger, not directly at me but in my general direction. “You don’t know how fucking bad I want to, Lila. I’ve wanted to be inside you since the first time I saw you walking your perfect ass up my street.”
“Then why? Why play games with me?”
Take Me On (Take Me Series Book 1) Page 14