I giggled a little at him calling me his buddy, though I distinctly heard him refer to me as something else only a few seconds before. I made the decision to let that go for the time being. I figured he was only trying to make a point to that woman. “Yeah, I’d like that.”
“Do you want to go somewhere? Or we could get some take out and go to your house or come back here?” he asked.
“Hmmmm...” I pondered my options for a quick second. I didn’t really want to go out because I wanted to be able to really talk to him without a repeat incident of what’d just happened. “Let’s take Manny back to my house, and then we can go pick something up. I’ll leave it up to you where we eat.”
“Shall we go then,” he asked as he extended his arm to me.
“Alright,” I agreed and locked my arm around his. It was quite nice being on the arm of such a handsome man. How was he able to make me feel so relaxed yet so frazzled all at the same time? It was almost intoxicating to be around him. My mind drifted back to how much I really did want him, and I forced myself to stop. I was the one who made the decision and I had to stick with it. Didn’t I?
The walk was a quick one and we arrived back at my house in no time. I was a hot mess with my hair sticking out every which way from my ponytail and not one drop of make up on. I can’t believe I willingly went to his house looking like a walking nightmare, though I couldn’t have looked much better the morning of our fight.
“Why don’t you come in for a few minutes? I need to put my face on before we go anywhere.”
He stepped back, his gaze taking me in from head to toe and back. “I think your face is already on, and it looks just fine if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“I also need to run a brush through this mess on my head.”
“That looks fine, too, but, I’ll wait here.”
I finished up with the rat’s nest known as my hair a few minutes later and dabbed a little make up on before going back downstairs to where Ash was. He lounged on my couch with his leather jacket slung over the back. A black button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up accentuated his body, dark jeans covered his long legs with black leather boots completing the ensemble. He was definitely dressed to impress, unlike me. My mind blanked out temporarily as I took in the sight of the giant man beast in my living room. Unfortunately, reality yanked me back when he looked up at me.
“Do you want to go for a walk?” he asked.
“Yeah, sure. What are we going to do about food?”
“I have an idea, but I’m not telling you.”
“Um…”
“Just go with it, will ya?” He stood, pulling his jacket on.
“Okay. I’m trusting you.”
“I like the sound of that.”
I quickly slipped on my coat and grabbed a pair of gloves in case my hands got cold, and put them in my pocket. “Maybe I should change. I feel so underdressed compared to you.”
“Maybe I’m overdressed for a walk. Did you think about that?”
Taking my hand in his, we left my house. That wasn’t something I was used to doing with someone who was just a friend, but it was nice. Nice enough to make me question my own decision… again. Would it really be that bad to work on my issues with the support of a partner who wanted to be there for me? Before I opened my mouth and said to hell with my earlier decision, I made small talk.
“So what’s been going on with you? Any more shows coming up?”
“Yeah, we’re headed out for a run soon before we head back into the studio. I’m already getting fucking terrified. I get a bad case of stage fright from time to time when I think about it too much.”
“You get stage fright? I wouldn’t think it’d be a big deal for you anymore. You’ve been touring for how many years now?”
“Longer than I can even remember, but it never gets any easier. My alcohol intake increases drastically while touring.”
“I’m sure your alcohol consumption has nothing to do with all the partying that goes on,” I said sarcastically as I recalled the little bit of drunk shenanigans of the band and crew I witnessed firsthand. It wasn’t unusual to see a whole slew of grown adults acting like fools before passing out wherever they happened to fall.
“Could be a factor,” he said, smirking at me.
“You seem so relaxed when you’re on stage. I never would have guessed you were nervous at all.”
He chuckled. “I’m not by the time I get up there.”
“I don’t know how you do it. I think I’d die if I had to go up in front of that many people. Tori and I played around with the idea of starting a band back in the day, but I don’t have a musical bone in my body, so that was out.”
“How long have you known Tori?”
“Since high school. You know, I actually heard you all before you were ever signed. Your voice was so haunting…” I said as my mind drifted back to the first time I heard him. I’m such a dork. Could I have sounded any lamer than that? And to make matters worse, my voice started doing that irritating shaky thing it does when I get flustered.
“You okay? You seem a little on edge. You know, I don’t bite, unless...” Looking down at me, he raised his eyebrows in a hopeful manner.
There he went again, being extra flirty when I knew how things would be if I reciprocated. Not that I had any desire to tell him to fuck me again. Nope. That wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. “I don’t understand why you want to hang out with someone like me with all of my issues when you have so many options.”
“Yeah, right. I have options… I have groupies, not options.”
“You’re not into the groupies? You seemed to be pretty comfortable with all that before.” Another woman kissing him flashed in my mind… again. Christ, why couldn’t I just forget that whole thing? Perhaps the fan experience I’d just witnessed a short while before was amping things up in my mind. I masked the irritation in my voice as best I could.
“Well, let’s put it this way, I wouldn’t take anyone seriously who jumped into bed with me the first time they met me. I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I have enjoyed their company probably more than I should, but I would never seriously consider wasting any of my personal time on them.”
“Am I a waste of your personal time?” I asked sarcastically, thinking about how I’d almost hopped into bed with him after only knowing him a short period of time. Maybe his brother’s quick judgment of me was correct, and I wasn’t the take her home to the family girl either.
“No, not at all. My time with you isn’t a waste. If anything, I’d consider it more of an investment.”
I looked away from him, hoping he wouldn’t see my skin beginning to flush bright red.
“So where are we going anyway?”
“We’re walking.”
“I know that, but where exactly are we walking to?”
“Prospect Park.”
“That’s kind of far from here, isn’t it?”
“Nope. We’ll be there before you know it.”
And we were. The time seemed to fly by as we walked and talked about random things. As we made our way to the long meadow in the park, an average-sized man with a styled coif carrying a picnic basket and a blanket approached us.
“Here you go, Mr. London. Enjoy,” the man said, handing the basket to Ash. He turned and left without another word.
“A picnic in the cold? You’re nuts… I think I like it. Who was that guy?”
He sat the basket down and spread the blanket on the ground
“He was one of my assistants. I have two… No wait, I have three now. That was Ethan. He usually runs errands for me when I’m on tour if it isn’t his turn to go out on the road with me, but he was the first to answer my text when you went up to brush your hair.” Resting his hand on the small of my back, he said, “Please, sit.”
I sat on the blanket, the coldness of the ground creeping through the soft material. “So, tell me. Are we having tuna sandwiches and coleslaw? Oh, or
maybe fried chicken? I love fried chicken…”
“Nope. Soup.”
“Good thinking,” I said, tapping my right temple. “That’ll definitely help keep us warm.”
“My thoughts exactly. I have chicken noodle and potato soup. Which do you prefer?”
“Tough choice… Potato.”
“Damn it. That’s what I wanted,” he said, flashing me a lop-sided grin.
“You can have it then. It’s fine. I like chicken noodle, too.”
“No, I want you to have it.” Laying out two plastic spoons, a few packs of crackers, and two containers of soup, he popped the lid off the potato soup and handed it to me before scooting up close to my side. “I think there’s water and juice in the basket, too, if you’re thirsty.”
The soup smelled warm and comforting, like home. It took me back to a time when Edie would make me a big pot of it that would last for days. There was no way it would taste like hers, but my mouth watered in anticipation. I brought the spoon to my mouth, only to taste the best soup, other than Edie’s, I’d ever had. Note to self: Find out where this soup is from and add it into heavy rotation in the meal planning.
“Is it good?”
“Good is an understatement. This... is almost divine. Thank you for putting this together.”
“Well, I didn’t really do anything other than pay someone else to do it, but I’m glad you like it,” Ash said before bringing his own spoon loaded with chicken noodle to his mouth.
We ate in silence as he devoured his soup within a few minutes. The thickness of mine prevented me from eating too fast, and I was content taking my time to savor every last bite. It really was that good.
After finishing his soup, Ash picked up his trash and took it to a nearby can. When he returned, he lowered himself down beside me, lying on his side as he propped up his upper body on his elbow. His eyes watched me, making me a little self-conscious with every bite I took. Soup dribbling down my chin was not a good look and also not one I wanted him to see if it happened. Just as I almost decided to stop eating, he began to speak.
“I can’t take it anymore,” Ash said, moving to sit upright. “I’d really like to have a bite of that. I’m still hungry and it looks fucking delicious.”
“You can have some. I doubt I’ll be able to eat all of this anyway. If you hadn’t thrown your container away, I could’ve just poured some into it.”
“I’d rather share from yours anyway.” He turned to face me, placing his legs on either side of me.
“You threw your spoon in the trash too, didn’t you?”
“Sure did.” Leaning in, the smallest hint of a smile crept across his lips.
I filled the spoon with potato soup goodness. Instead of taking the bite myself, I brought it to his mouth as he wrapped his lips around the spoon and swallowed the soup.
Licking at his lips as I pulled the spoon away he said, “Very good, but you know what would taste better and be a thousand times more satisfying?”
“What’s that?” I asked, expecting him to pull some other kind of food, maybe dessert, out of the basket for us to eat.
“You,” he said.
My stomach flipped as heat radiated from my cheeks outward. “We’re just friends, remember?” Maybe he needed a reminder since he’d told Danielle the fan girl that I was his girlfriend.
“I do, but I’ve been thinking a lot about that, and I’ve decided I don’t accept it.”
“Um, why exactly do you get to make that call?” I asked, smirking at him. God, I wanted him. I wanted him more than anything to make that decision for the both of us and end the vicious cycle going on in my head. I’d already gone against my gut feelings for him, and I’d flip flopped on the subject so many times that I’d just about given myself whiplash.
“Because I’m Ash fucking London. I get what I want, and you, my dear sweet Lila, are what I want,” he said as he leaned in, his lips a mere inch or two from mine.
“I want you, too,” I whispered, closing my eyes and swallowing hard. Raising my voice to normal speaking tone and opening my eyes, I said, “But nothing has changed. I’m still just as fucked up as I was before. Is that something you’re really prepared to deal with?”
“I can be pretty fucked up, too. We’ll be fucked up together… You help me, and I’ll help you.”
“How can I help you when I can’t even help myself? And how do you think you can help me? I certainly don’t have the answers, so how could you?”
“I never claimed to have the answers, but there are ways to help you feel more comfortable with me.”
“Like?”
“Kiss me,” he said, lying back on the blanket. His body stretched out beside me, inviting me to climb on.
“We’re in the park, Ash. Are you nuts? I don’t want a bunch of people watching us make out or see me losing my shit when it gets to be too much.”
“Look at me, and look around you. We’re in public where anyone can see us. It can’t go any further than kissing, and I’m lying down, which puts you in complete control of me. I won’t move from my back.”
“You think that I think you’ll rape me,” I said mortified. “I never…”
“I don’t think that at all,” he said, reaching out to rub my leg. “What I think is that you need to be in control, at least for now.”
“But what if someone takes our picture and posts it all over the internet on those trashy gossip sites?”
“So what? Embarrassed to be seen with me?”
“No.”
“Then kiss me.”
“Wait, if I’m in control, shouldn’t it be my decision to kiss you or not?”
“You got me there. I’ll just be down here waiting, hoping that you’ll join me.” He bent one arm behind his head, propping it up. He closed his eyes as his mouth opened just a little. His lips called to me, bidding mine to come closer.
I watched him for several minutes while picturing myself just going for it. A ball of anxiety started to grow deep in the pit of my stomach. Now was as good a time as any to banish that fucker. Leaning down, my lips gently touched his once before sitting up again. He didn’t move. What the hell? Did he fall asleep?
One corner of his lips turned up. “Is that all you’re gonna give me?”
“I haven’t decided yet.”
“Well, let me know when you do.”
I went in immediately for another kiss, but this one wouldn’t be quite so chaste. My mouth sought his out again, applying more pressure than before to his soft lips. Easing myself onto my side beside him, I placed my hand lightly on his cheek, guiding his face to me, before joining our lips again.
“May I touch you,” he asked against my lips.
“Mmhmm,” I said as I continued to kiss him. “But not here.”
“Where?”
“My house.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do.”
“I’m sure. People are watching us.”
He sat up and looked around as faces quickly turned away. “Yep. They are.”
We quickly cleaned up our belongings and made our way back to my house. Fidgeting with my keys, I unlocked the door and turned to pull him inside. I found him standing at the bottom of the steps.
“I probably should be getting back. I have some meetings in the morning with management, and I have to get some stuff together. Maybe we can get together before I leave next week.”
“Oh, okay… I’d like that.” I didn’t want him to leave. I needed him to stay. But I wouldn’t stop him from going if that’s what he wanted to do.
“Just so you know… I want to go in there with you more than anything, but I’m not sure you’re ready for all that.”
“I am,” I said breathlessly.
He shook his head and took my hand, planting a soft kiss on the back of it. “No. I don’t think you are. Best not to push things.”
CHAPTER 25 – ASH LONDON
It was true, I did have a few meetings the
next day to work out rehearsal and tour schedules, and I did have to get some shit together, but I also didn’t want her to think I was pushing her. The longer I was with her the more I wanted her, and I wasn’t sure I could stick to my guns and let her be in control. It was natural for me to take what I wanted, but I wanted more than sex from her. I wanted to take my time and build something real between us.
Would a relationship even work for us? She had major trust issues, stemming from some very valid reasons, and I feared I would only add to those issues if I couldn’t manage to keep my dick in my pants. I mean, could I really keep myself from fucking other women? If I was completely sober, I knew I could, but the problem was that I was hardly ever sober while on tour. It was the only way I could get through them without losing my mind.
I’d thought about giving up the band and taking a break every single time we went out on the road, but I had other people to think about. It wasn’t just me who depended on the pay check. I could live comfortably for the rest of my life if I made an effort to not screw my money away, but the crew members, assistants, managers, or whoever would be put in a tough spot if I pulled out. It was my job to keep them employed, or at least that’s how I felt about it. That’s one of the reasons we toured so often, even though I didn’t want to. I’d have been content touring once a year for a few weeks and spending the rest of the time writing or recording or just fucking off around my house doing whatever I wanted.
Lila represented everything I wanted: a woman who didn’t need me, a woman who threatened to light me on fire with a smile, a woman who was smart and could keep up with my crazy ramblings or tell me to shut the fuck up when I needed to. I felt like she could keep me grounded. But she was too good for me and the lifestyle I lived.
It felt so good to have her kiss me. I wanted to sling her over my shoulder, take her ass up to her bed and make her feel things I was confident she’d never felt before. That probably wouldn’t have gone over too well in light of the recent fight we’d had where I’d denied her from doing pretty much the same exact thing. I’d also told her I wouldn’t do such a thing to her, but it’s what I really wanted—to get lost in her for hours.
Take Me On (Take Me Series Book 1) Page 16