“Because this,” he said, outstretching his arms, “isn’t what you deserve… You don’t want meaningless fucking sex to be your first experience since that happened to you, do you?”
“Maybe I do. Who would ever really want to take me and all the things that go along with me on anyway? To be saddled with all of my baggage, to know that I might fall into a full-blown panic attack at any moment just because they touched me when I didn’t expect them to… No one, that’s who.” I crossed my arms with such ridiculous attitude. It was a bratty thing to do, but it was the only way I could physically guard myself. I felt like my insides might fall out and maybe crossing my arms would keep it all in.
He was silent for a moment before speaking again. “Well, this isn’t what I want our first time to be—some generic, shitty hotel room in a place that doesn’t mean anything to either one of us.” He glanced away from me. “I’m not interested in one-night stands anymore. I don’t want a random hook-up that means nothing. I want someone to stake their claim… to love me… to take me on and everything that goes along with me. I want to make love to someone for the first time and spend days alone together in bed. I thought maybe that person could be you… And guess what? I’m a grown ass man who can deal with real life problems. And you know what else? I don’t see you as a problem, not by a long shot.”
“That’s because you don’t really know me all that well.”
“Bullshit, Lila… Maybe we haven’t known each other long, but you can’t stand there and tell me that there’s nothing between us, especially after last night. You haven’t told anyone about what happened to you before. You have to feel something for me or you wouldn’t have told me either.”
“Yeah, there was definitely something there. It was called alcohol.”
“Oh, how convenient…” He threw his hands in the air. “You know what? I think we both need some time to cool down. I have to book a flight to Atlanta, and I’m assuming you need to get back to New York.”
I pursed my lips as I turned my back to him. If I looked at him anymore, I knew the tears would start flowing again and I’d done far too much of that already. “I do.”
He walked up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders. “I’ll call you when I get back into town so we can work this out. Please answer when I do.”
And just like that, he was gone.
* * *
Two weeks had passed since I’d returned home. I had no idea when Ash would be back, and at that point, I didn’t even want to know. I was beyond embarrassed by the way I had acted. There was no way in hell he’d ever want to really have anything to do with me after that. Hell, for all I knew, he’d been back for days already and had simply decided to write me off, and honestly, I couldn’t blame him if he did.
I hadn’t left my bed much at all since I got home because it was always where I felt the safest and where I found the most comfort in the shitty times in life. I had a terrible time leaving the warmth and comfort that it brought, but I knew I had shit to do and my self-loathing had to come to an end sooner rather than later. The world didn’t stop turning just because I’d found myself in a funky mood.
From the nightstand beside my bed, my phone interrupted the silence. Grabbing it, I meant to shut off what I thought was the alarm only to find a number I didn’t recognize calling me. I quickly decided I needed to answer as much as I loathed the idea. Maybe it was a client calling from a new number or a prospective client. Putting a fake smile on my face, I flipped on my professional voice.
“Good morning. Lila Stephens speaking. How can I be of service?”
“You sure you want the answer to that question?” a wonderfully deep voice asked.
I paused momentarily as the realization sank in. The richness of his voice poured over me, and I made a mental note to save the number in my contacts so I would know who it was next time. The last time he called, I deleted the number from the call log and the voice mail message because I believed wholeheartedly I wanted nothing to do with him again.
“No, I don’t… Are you back?”
“Nope. I won’t be back for another two weeks.”
“Why are you calling then? You said you wouldn’t call until you got back.”
“I miss you… And I wanted to see if you’d answer. I never really gave you a chance to say whether or not you would before I left.”
“I answered because I thought you might be a client or something not because I thought it was you.” There I went again, being a complete bitch. I had no desire to have the conversation we needed to have over the phone because I hadn’t really thought about what I might say or just how to apologize for being so awful.
“You’re just going to ignore the ‘I miss you’ part, huh?”
“That’s the plan.”
“I know we can’t really talk about our little spat and whatever this is between us on the phone, but I really do miss you. I wanted to hear your voice.”
“Okay… I don’t think it was such a little spat, by the way, and don’t think I’ve forgotten about your wandering lips.” I’d almost forgotten it in my drunken state that night, but it had eaten at me for the past two weeks. “I don’t know why you’re even still trying with me. I think I’d have run the other way by now if I were you… intimacy issues, jealousy, general bitchiness…”
“Isn’t it obvious by now why I’m still calling you? I think you’re a beautiful woman. You’re sexy as fuck in those heels you like to strut around in, even if you are a bit clumsy at times in them,” he said with a chuckle. “You’re smart, independent, and sweet when you want to be… I can’t get you out of my fucking mind. I’ve tried everything I can think of to distract myself, and I can’t. There will be no more kissing or anything else with anyone but you if you’ll have me.”
My heart skipped a beat as his words sank in. It was the confirmation I had been seeking. I’d just gone about it the wrong way before. I’d stupidly let myself believe that he didn’t really want me if he wouldn’t sleep with me. What had happened to me? How did I go from never wanting to sleep with a man again to basing my self-worth on whether or not a man wanted to sleep with me? I almost didn’t recognize myself.
“Lila?”
“I’m here.”
“Please see me when I get home?”
“Alright.”
“I can’t wait, beautiful.”
* * *
For two weeks, I was completely on edge. I barely got any of my work done because my focus was completely gone. Every waking minute, I thought about him and every possible scenario you could imagine from us crashing and burning in the relationship department to living happily ever after.
Pacing back and forth in my living room, I tried to figure out what I wanted to say. Ash would be arriving any minute, and I was still unsure. Was this really my life? How did I go from deciding to be single for the rest of my life to contemplating whether or not I wanted to be with one of the biggest rock stars in the world?
I went back and forth on whether or not to be with him so many times over that two weeks that I damn near gave myself whiplash. Was he someone I could really trust? Was he willing to give up the slew of women he could have at any given minute for me? Was I ready to take on such a huge personality? Could he really help me work through my issues? Was it fair to want him to?
Our next meeting would probably determine if we would try to make a real go at being together… or not. Part of me wanted to jump him the second he arrived, but the other part of me, the more dominant part, wanted no part of anything more than friends, and that was stretching it, because of my own insecurities.
In addition to being raped, I had also been cheated on in the past and had no desire to ever relive any of that, which made it even harder for me to trust him when he said there would be no one else from here on out. But was it fair to him to feel like I would be constantly questioning his faithfulness? He did kiss that woman in front of me, but we weren’t together. He was free to do as he pleased at
that time just the same as me.
A knock at the door interrupted my train of thought, and I knew it was time. The door seemed like it weighed a ton as I pulled it open. He stood before me, and all the unsure feelings I had just seconds before drained away.
“Please, come in.”
His strong arms wrapped around my body and held me so tight that my feet lifted off the floor. His hair was soft and silky under my fingers and his scent intoxicating. I didn’t want to leave his arms, not then, not ever… but the timing just wasn’t right.
He stepped through the door as he put me down and followed me to the living room.
“I want to start by apologizing again for being a douche the night that woman kissed me. I don’t want to make excuses. I should have pushed her away, and I didn’t. It won’t happen again.”
“I know we’re not together and it shouldn’t have bothered me so much. Maybe I overreacted. It’s just that I already have so many trust issues with men in general, and that didn’t help any.”
“I truly am sorry.”
“I know. I believe you…” I hesitated as those images flashed through my mind again.
“But?”
“But, I made a mistake by telling you to just take me that morning. It didn’t have anything to do with you and that’s just wrong. I was looking for a way to get over everything in my past, but I know that sex is not going to just magically fix me. I’d have been able to get over it long ago if that were true. I could have hooked up with any random person and been fixed… I just have too many issues, and I don’t want to hang them on you. I’m not sure I can be anything more to you than a friend right now. Not until I work through some of the things I’ve dealt with in my life.”
His chest rose and fell as he took in one deep breath before speaking. “I see.”
“I’m sorry, Ash. I just can’t. Maybe in time, but not now,” I said as I brought my hand to my mouth and began to nibble at my nail.
“I get it. I don’t like it, but I understand.” Reaching out, he grazed his hand against my upper arm before letting it drop to his side.
“Can we still be friends?” My heart pounded in my ears as I waited for his response. The thought of him saying no made my eyes sting.
“Of course. I still want you in my life however I can get you, but I can’t promise that I won’t stare at your ass when you walk away, just so you know.”
“You’re such an ass.” I laughed, and it felt good. I don’t think I laughed at all in the weeks between the hotel and seeing him again.
“That’s right. Get used to it… I guess I better go home and make sure the place is still standing.”
“You came here first?”
“Yep. You were my first priority.”
I showed him to the door, all the while second guessing my decision. I started to close the door behind Ash when he turned back to face me.
“I know you said we’re just gonna do the friend thing, but I hope I can prove to you that I’m worth more,” he said and turned away.
CHAPTER 24 – LILA STEPHENS
Manny and I lounged on the couch one lazy afternoon, watching Seinfeld reruns with little to no movement for a solid two hours. As much as I tried not to, I kept thinking of Ash, and how we’d agreed to be just friends. It was for the best, but friend mode still managed to elude me. How could I just ignore the fact that I’d trusted him enough to tell him about the worst experience of my life? Granted, I was drunk, but I also allowed myself to be drunk around him, which was huge for me. I never accepted drinks from men, never let myself be around a man by myself when I was drinking, even if it was only one drink and I wasn’t buzzed, yet I opened the door to him that night with little hesitation. I clearly did trust him when I’d not let any other guys get even remotely close enough for that to happen.
Examining my feelings for him became an all-encompassing state of mind. Why did he make me feel so good? Could I stand to be just friends with him? And if we were friends, why hadn’t I seen more of him since he’d been back home? Our only communication was a few texts sent back and forth sporadically. I guess that’s not so unusual, though. I hadn’t seen Tori or really talked to her much in almost two weeks, and I wasn’t at all worried about the status of our friendship.
A cold, wet nose nudged my arm, pulling me out of my train of thought. Manny wandered to the door, and I followed closely behind. I took him to the small, grassy area out front to do his business. It wasn’t nearly as cold as it had been, though there was still a chill in the air.
As I waited for Manny to finish peeing, the urge hit me to take a little stroll down the street and just maybe stop by his house. Maybe I would march right up and knock on his door. I had no fucking clue what I would say, but the urge to say screw it and be spontaneous was growing stronger by the second. Why couldn’t we see each other? We were friends, and friends spent time together. I had just as much right to seek him out as he did me. If I actually wanted him to be in my life in some capacity, I had to make an effort to keep him there.
What did I have to lose? So that’s what I decided to do. What’s the worst that could happen anyway? He could’ve been there with some other woman, which wouldn’t have been any of my business, though it would’ve been pretty awful. He could’ve acted like he didn’t want to be bothered by me. That would’ve been bad, too, but I had to act on the instinct. If I didn’t, I would probably still be wondering what could have happened if I did. I had no desire to sit around and ponder what could’ve been until he decided to show his face again.
I tugged on Manny’s leash and we took off down the street toward Ash’s house. As I got closer, the storm of anxiety began to brew from deep within my gut, urging me to turn back. Within minutes, I could see his house. I hesitated for a second, but no matter what, I had to keep going.
Just as I approached his house, the form of a rather large man, also known as Ash London, appeared just outside the door. Locking the front door, he turned and walked down the steps.
Maybe he won’t see me, and I can just turn and—
“Are you stalking me,” he asked as he took long strides toward me with a grin plastered on his face.
With a smile I said, “No, but Manny might be.”
“Typical. Dogs can never keep their paws off me.” He reached down and stroked Manny’s back as Manny returned the affection by licking his hand.
The sound of quick footsteps beating the pavement behind him cut right through our moment.
“Ash?” the petite woman asked breathlessly as she got closer.
He stood and turned, guarding me in an almost instinctive manner.
“Oh my God! I cannot believe it’s really you,” she squealed, hopping up and down as her dark hair bounced around her face.
“Hello,” he said coolly.
“Do you know how many times I’ve been through this neighborhood hoping to see you around?”
I saw his head cock to the side, and I could only imagine the look he had on his face.
“Could I get a picture with you?”
“Yeah, sure.” Turning to me, his gaze jaunted to the ground and back up to me as the corner of his mouth scrunched up.
I took a few steps away to let Manny explore Ash’s small yard, though I stayed within earshot. Maybe it was none of my business, but if she kissed him, I’d lose my shit. That’s all I needed…
He crouched down as she sidled up beside him and handed him her phone. “Could you do it? May arms aren’t long enough.”
Nodding, he took the camera and snapped the picture. He handed the phone back to her and smiled.
“Thank you so much! You have no idea how happy this makes me. Could I ask another favor?”
“Maybe… Depends.”
Just then she started to pull down the top of her shirt until her nipple threatened to appear. “Will you sign my tit? I want to get it tattooed.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t have a marker.”
“I’ve got one,” she exclaimed
as she dug in her purse.
“I don’t know about that,” he chuckled. “Surely you don’t want to ruin your skin with my signature.”
“Not ruining. Enhancing,” she purred as she looked up at him with Ash London shaped stars in her eyes.
“It’ll smudge though. Why don’t you let me sign a piece of paper or something? It’ll look better that way.”
“Alright, I guess that’ll do.” Reaching into her purse, she pulled out a scrap of paper and gave it to him.
He took it from her and scribbled his name across it before handing it back to her.
“Thank you… Hey, do you want to go get a drink or something with me? I’d love to pick your brain. Oh, oh! I know! You could go with me to the tattoo shop. There’s one not too far from here. I bet they’d get me right in if you were with me.”
“As fun as that sounds, I’m afraid I already have plans with my girlfriend,” he said, motioning toward me.
She erupted in laughter. “I’m sorry. I thought that was a neighbor or something. She didn’t look like she was with you. Cute dog…” she said as she eyed me up and down.
And just what was that supposed to mean? I didn’t look like I was with him? Then, I looked down at myself and realized I looked a hot mess. She didn’t have to be snarky about it though. Wait… Did he just call me his girlfriend?
“Maybe I’ll stop by and show you that ink later tonight. I won’t tell.”
“What was your name?”
“Danielle.”
“Well, Danielle. I appreciate the sentiment, but I’d rather you didn’t. That would be disrespectful to my lady friend, and frankly, I’m not interested in tit tattoos. Now, if you’ll excuse me, we’re late.” Just then he turned and headed toward where I now stood on the sidewalk with Manny waiting patiently. “I’m sorry about that, Lila,” he said.
“Does that happen a lot?” I glanced back and saw the woman hurrying away in the opposite direction.
“Not usually so close to home, but yes, it does… It’s kind of funny that you’re here. I was just gonna stop by your house and see if you wanted to grab something to eat with me. I feel like hanging out with my buddy.”
Take Me On (Take Me Series Book 1) Page 15