Paradise by the Dashboard Light

by Kathryn R. Biel

  My eyes back on the road, I say, "We didn't take road trips. This is the furthest I've ever been."

  "What do you mean you didn't take trips? What about summer vacations?"

  The McCallisters went away for at least two or three weeks every summer. I know Ian thought we traveled then too, when his mom wasn't watching us. He'd ask and I'd give some vague answer. It was enough for him not to realize how different our family was from his.

  "Sometimes we spent a few days at Buckeye Lake. And there was the one time my mom was dating some rich dude, not long after Dad left, and he took us to Put-in Bay. But Mom broke up with him and that was the end of that."

  "So, like …"

  "No," I cut him off. "Not really. There wasn't a lot of money. I mean we went to Kings Island and Cedar Point, but that was about it. I never left Ohio until I came to college. I accepted Boston University sight unseen. It was the furthest school I applied to, and so it was a no brainer to take it."

  He's quiet for a minute. "I never knew it was that bad. You always seemed so happy. Like nothing bothered you."

  I shrug. "That's what I wanted you to think. It's not like we advertised it. Plus, it wasn't super bad. I mean, we had food and clothes. Our basic needs were met, most of the time. I got dance lessons until I was old enough to work at the studio to pay for them myself." I don't mention that I started student teaching and cleaning the studio at the age of twelve. I've been self-sufficient since then. "It was more, I don't know, I mean, I'm not sure if we were loved. Not like you and Evan were."

  "Then how …" He breaks off. "I mean, well, why—how—are you different than Rainne?"

  It's now or never. My stomach rolls once and then again. "In some ways, I'm very much the same. I'm in it for me and damn those who get in my way."

  "Yeah, no. You can talk all tough, but that's not who you are. I mean, look at what you're doing for me now. I know you don't want to go back there, but you're doing it for me. I can't tell you how much that means to me. You're one of the nicest people I know."

  God, it's like he's trying to make this harder. My grip on the wheel tightens. If it stays like this, my neck muscles will spasm uncontrollably before we hit New York. "I mean, there's a lot to be said for genetics. You know, apples and trees and all."

  "No, don't sell yourself short. You have to know how amazing and special you are. Even though you and Rainne are twins, you're really nothing alike. I don't know why it took me this long to see that, other than I'm an idiot. Maybe you're one of those rare medical cases where you have different fathers."

  "Okay, listen. My mom is a shit show and all, but I don't need to think about her getting knocked up by two separate guys at the same time." I shudder at the thought. "Gross."

  "Ha! Never thought about it that way. And I convinced myself a long time ago that my parents did it once and got a two-fer deal, so they never had to do it again."

  I know why my mom didn't have any more kids. She told us often enough how we had ruined her life, and how it wasn't fair that our "good-for-nothing-sperm-donor-of-a-father" had no responsibilities while she was stuck caring for us. That certainly made me feel wanted. But Mrs. McCallister was full of nothing but warmth and love. It didn't make sense that she didn't have more kids. "Why didn't your parents have any more after you and Evan?"

  "You know what happened to us, right?"

  "You guys were preemies. I guess it happens a lot with twins. We were like a week or two early, so we were okay."

  "No, it was more than that. I mean, yes, we were significantly early, but we had something called twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome. I was taking blood and nutrients away from Evan. They tried to do an amniocentesis to lower the amniotic fluid to help with it, and it put my mom into pre-term labor. That's why we were premature. Evan ended up with brain damage." He stops, a bit choked up. "Because of me. It's all my fault."

  It was always clear that Ian looked out for Evan, but I didn't realize this was why. Or how off the mark he was. I thought he simply felt guilty for being healthy while Evan was not. I didn't understand that he thought he caused it. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I thought you were smart."

  His mouth falls open, then quickly snaps shut.

  "I mean, seriously? You were a fetus. You had no control over the odd genetic fluke that split one egg into two."

  "No, I know, but I'm okay and he's not. It's not fair."

  That makes me laugh. He's still so idealistic.

  "Oh, Ian, when are you going to realize things aren't fair? They never are. It's called life. Why did you and Evan have two parents who loved you and gave a shit while Rainne and I got stuck with what we got? Why do I have a great job and apartment in Boston while Rainne still lives in Cedarwood in one dump after another with my mom?"

  "Well, for starters you're a much better person than your sister."

  My spine bristles at his words, as I know I'm undeserving. At least Rainne owns her manipulations. I'm so much worse than she is. "No, I only pretend to be."

  "Then you should win an Academy Award because you certainly have me fooled," he laughs.

  "Yes, yes I do," I add grimly.

  Ian laughs again. "Thank you again for driving me. Missing work, going back home. I still can't believe you would do this for me. "

  "Of course I would."

  "Why is that?" I detect some coyness in his voice. I'm glad I’m driving so I don't have to look at him. He'd see the answer plain as day on my face.

  "Because I'm a sucker for your pretty face."

  "And let's not forget my chiseled abs. The ladies love those."

  I laugh. As handsome and smart as Ian always has been, he certainly was never a player. Probably because his heart was set on one person since puberty kicked in.

  "So catch me up on the past decade. What's new? What were you like in college? Were you in a fraternity? Were you a player?"

  "That's a lot of questions all at once. You need to prioritize. What do you want to know first?"

  I should be sly and work up to what I really want to know, but I don't. "I'm sure you've dated a lot since high school."

  Out of the corner of my eye I see him shrug. "Some. Nothing too serious. I didn't want anything serious. I realized what a long road I had and didn't want to spend the energy on anything but that. So, I dabbled. What about you?"

  "No one serious. No one who seemed worthy of the effort." What I mean is no one who seemed worth my heart. The heart I'd already given away that Ian handed back to me in pieces.

  "But certainly there were a few?"

  I know what he's asking. It's obvious that I wasn't a virgin when we had sex the other night. Odd, though, because he didn't recognize that the night he took my virginity.

  "Yes, Ian. I've—what did you call it?—dabbled. My needs get met, if that's what you're wondering."

  "Yeah. Sure." Do I detect disappointment in his voice? Is now the time to tell him that he's the one who cashed in my V-card? "Does that bother you?" I will punch him if he says yes.

  "I know it shouldn't but it does."

  My voice is perhaps a bit higher and more intense than I intend. "Are you kidding me? I mean, you were just with Trisha! And how many others? What a shitty double standard!"

  "Rio, calm down. It's not because you're a woman and should be all virginal and shit. It's because I don't want to think about anyone else's hands on your body. I hate the thought of you with anyone else. I want to be the only person who gets to worship you like that."

  Oh.

  I wonder if he'll always feel that way?

  

  Ian

  I cannot believe I laid it all out there like that. We've only been in New York for a little while, and the GPS still indicates about nine hours left, yet here I am, confessing … I don't even know what.

  "So what are you saying, Ian?" Rio finally asks slowly. Carefully, like she's turned each word around and examined it carefully before speaking it.

  "We both
know this isn't like a random bar hookup."

  "It's not?"

  "Rio, stop. I know the truth."

  The car jerks suddenly as Rio swerves, the rumble strip sending vibrations through the car. My right leg bashes into the door, and I swear in pain. "What the hell, Ri?"

  She's visibly shaken. Her face pale and her eyes wide.

  "Uh, I thought, um, what?"

  "Are you having a seizure or something? Should you pull over?"

  She reaches into the console and flips open the water bottle. After taking a long pull and swallowing, she says, "I'm fine. I thought there was something in the road."

  I glance in my side mirror but see nothing but other cars. "Okay." I hope nothing's wrong with her. I don't want her to evade this conversation though. It's too important. I'm not sure how to go about it. I need to tell her how I feel. What if she doesn't feel the same? What if my mom was wrong? What if she doesn't feel the same or want the same things?

  "I talked to my mom. She ... uh ... has a theory. Well, not a theory exactly. More that she told me something. About you." I can't believe that's how I’m starting this conversation.

  "How did your mom find out?" Her voice is doing that high squeely thing again. It's her tell for being super upset. Why is this bothering her so much? Maybe she knows where I'm going and it's scary for her. "She said you were obvious about it."

  "How was it obvious? No one knows! I'm not even totally certain Rainne knows. Hell, you didn't know and you were there!"

  I look over at her. She's in an absolute panic. "Rio, it's okay. It really is."

  Rio turns her head and quickly glances at me before turning her gaze back to the road. "It is? You're really okay with it? That I deceived you like that?"

  "Yes, of course. I'm just sorry I didn't know sooner. Maybe it would have changed everything."

  "I don't see how."

  I shrug. "I don't know 'cause we were so young. But if I'd known that you ... had feelings for me all that time, maybe I wouldn't have gone for Rainne. You know, like when Rachel on Friends realizes that Ross was in love with her, and it makes her see she's in love with him too. Maybe it would have been like that. I dunno."

  "What are you talking about?"

  I thought I was clear, but I'll be totally frank with her. "My mom told me that you were in love with me. Like, the whole time we were growing up."

  Her shoulders drop, and she sinks back into the driver's seat, her head against the headrest. "Your mom told you that I've been in love with you my whole life?"

  I nod. "Yes. She said she'd seen it since you were little."

  Rio lets out a long, deep sigh. "She's not wrong."

  "Good."

  "Good?"

  Please let her think this is good. Please don't let me scare her off. God, I hope she wants to take this leap of faith with me. "Yes, good. Rio, I know our timing isn't ideal because I can't give you what you deserve right now, but I don't want to take the chance on losing you again. This isn't a random hookup. It's not a one-night stand. It's not a casual fling, and it's not friends with benefits. You know it. I know it. I'm pretty sure this is it for me. You're it for me."

  Tears well up in her eyes, but her focus remains on the road ahead. A fat tear rolls down her cheek. "You don't know how long I've waited for you to say that. How long I've dreamed of hearing that from you. But how can I be sure? How do I know that you mean it? That I'm not just a stand-in for Rainne? You know they say you never get over your first love." She looks at me. "I know I didn't."

  Gah! Why does she always go back to her sister? How do I make Rio see that she's the only one I care about?

  "Why do you keep bringing Rainne into this? It's you and me here. There's not room for a third person."

  "You don't understand, Ian. Even though I've been on my own—away from her—for the last ten years, everything in my life is centered around her. I can't get away. You don't know what it's like. We're so tied together that I don't know where she ends and I begin. And knowing that you preferred her first—that's going to take a lot to get over."

  "I know what it's like to be part of that. I'm a twin too, remember?"

  "Ian, don't be stupid. It's not the same for you, and you know it. Firstly, you were the favorite."

  "Favorite? Are you kidding me? My parents' whole world revolved around what was best for Evan. It wasn't about me."

  "Nope. I was there. Yes, sometimes you took a backseat to his needs, but in school, with sports, with everything, you were the golden boy. It was always Ian and his brother. Well, for us it was Rainne and the other one. Even you saw me as the other one. And when she made mistakes I had to live with it. Do you think I wanted to watch her break your heart? Especially when I would have sold my soul for you to look at me that way just once? Why do you think I hate her? Not because of all the shit she pulled over the years, but because of you. What she did to you was the deal breaker for me."

  "I'm the reason you hate her?"

  "One of many, but yes, you were the tipping point. And the worst part is she knew how I felt about you. She didn't even really like you but dated you to stick it to me. She told me so. She didn't care that you were hurt in the process. I always thought I was supposed to stand by my sister, no matter what, but how could I defend someone who did that to you?"

  Her words hit me, like a punch in the gut. And it confirms what I've only now come to realize about that night at rehearsal. Rainne was only interested in me because she didn't want me to be interested in Rio.

  Wow.

  This is a lot of information to process.

  And to hear Rio say she chose me instead of Rainne. I know what that twin bond is like. For her to put me above that, it's mind blowing. "Are we stopping soon?"

  She looks around, scanning the horizon. "I don't know when the next rest area is. Are you okay?"

  I nod. "I don't know that I can wait until we get to Ohio to take you in my arms and kiss you senseless, among other things. I don't know that I can wait another minute."

  She laughs. "I'm not having car sex with you on the New York State Thruway in broad daylight. We are not re-enacting the Meatloaf song."

  "Awww, come on. That song was a staple in our house. My parents used to sing it all the time."

  "I remember," she says, laughing. "And it was funny until I realized what the song was about, then it became gross."

  "Let's not talk about my parents and their sex life right now." I reach over and caress her thigh. Her legs open slightly. Her posture shift is enough to tell me the idea of hopping into the back seat holds some merit. "Should I look for a hotel?"

  Rio shakes her head. "We have to get there. We have a small window of time for you to see Evan and your parents. If you're serious about what you say, we have lots of time for each other in the future. We can delay a bit." She glances at me quickly and wiggles her eyebrows. "The delay will make it that much sweeter."

  I know she's right. We're going to spend the rest of our lives together and nothing's going to stop that.

  Chapter 23

  Rio

  I vacillate between cloud nine and the ninth circle of hell. Surprisingly, twelve hours in the car passes in the blink of an eye. In between sing-alongs with the radio and swapping college stories, we're driving on Route 37 toward Cedarwood before I know it. Of course, there was that moment early on when Ian said he knew, but he didn't.

  I'll tell him. I swear I will. But maybe the past should stay in the past. Maybe that's where it belongs, instead of defining the present, and especially the future. The whole way out, he kept bringing the conversation back to discussing our future. Everything in terms of us together. Should I move in with him or should he move in with me? With his work schedule once he goes back, he won't be around much so he wants every chance to see me.

  This is all I've ever dreamed of.

  Of course, I nod along when he talks about his fellowship year at Johns Hopkins and then returning to Ohio. I've got a bit of time to talk him out of
that. No way in hell am I coming back here to live. Even if we lived in Columbus, it's only about thirty miles from Cedarwood. Way too close for comfort. There are lots of good hospitals in the Boston area, and surely Ian could get a job out there. Maybe we can find a place for Evan near us. But that's a conversation for the way back.

  I pull into his parents' driveway, noting that not much has changed. It still feels like home. They took down the weeping cherry tree by the front door. That tree was so pretty when it bloomed, delicate pink blossoms exploding like lace everywhere. We never had anything like that. Rundown apartments and trailer parks are rarely known for their cultivated lawns or pretty flowering plants. Ian gets out and stiffly tries to stretch his knee. Even though we stopped a few times for the bathroom and gas, I know he must to be sore. I am and I didn't just have surgery.

  He hobbles up to the front door. I take a moment to put my sweater on. I'd been hot driving but the November air bites at my skin. I can smell the wood burning in the fireplace. It's one of my favorite smells. I wonder if it's because I associate it with this house.

  Ian rings the doorbell and then turns back to look at me. The grin on his face spreads from ear to ear. I know this is what pure happiness looks like, and I gave that to him. Ian's excited about the prospect of a relationship with me, but his family is what makes him happy. Truly happy. Must be nice.

  The door opens and I see Mr. McCallister's face light up, matching his son's, as he calls, "Marge! MARGE! Come quickly!" A moment later, I see Mrs. McCallister in the doorway and the two of them envelop Ian in their arms.

  This is what family should be. The gnawing in my chest reveals my lie of not wanting a family. Ian was right—he does know me. And he knows what I want. But he doesn't realize that admitting that I want this and never getting it is the worst thing that could happen. It's so much easier to pretend it doesn't matter.

  It matters.

  Ian steps out of their grasp and turns toward me, pointing and then waving for me to join them. As I step up the slight ramp to the front door, Mrs. McCallister pulls me into her. "Oh, Rio. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." She's tripping over her words, repeating herself. "You brought him home for us. Thank you."