Paradise by the Dashboard Light

by Kathryn R. Biel

  That thought knocks the wind out of me. I sink onto the stool and pretend to set about examining the girl. Cailynn. I can't rule out a concussion, so I order a CT. We move her to a suture room to get her cleaned up and close her wound before sending her to radiology. They're backed up so I've got plenty of time. The wound is at her hairline, so if I'm slow and careful, you won't be able to see the scar. Normally someone from Plastics would tend to a facial laceration, but tonight is not a normal night.

  "Can't you just glue it or something? I want to go home." Cailynn's tired and irritable. A natural reaction after waiting around so long.

  "Do you want water or something? Can she have water? She was pretty drunk when it happened, so maybe she's got a headache," Rio explains.

  "I cracked my head open. Of course I have a headache." Cailynn glares at Rio. I expect Rio to come out with some witty retort, but she's silent. I don't know if it's because of Cailynn or me, but I don't like it. Rio reaches out and takes the girl's hand.

  "Rio, why don't you go into the staff lounge and get cleaned up. Beth keeps a spare pair of scrubs in her locker. You should change."

  "I'm fine. You certainly don't need to worry about me. Take care of your patients. Cailynn, I'll be back in a bit."

  As I watch Rio storm off, I have to resist the urge to chase her. I don't know what I'd say to her if I caught her. I want to be mad at her but Beth's words keep echoing in my head. The anger is more appropriately directed right back at me.

  Still, I need to focus on the task at hand, which is sutures. "So, you work with Rio? Small world."

  "How do you know her?" The green drape covers more than half of Cailynn's face. The one eye I can see is pinched shut.

  "Oh, we grew up together. And I know her roommate. She works here with me."

  "Was Rio always so uptight? I can never get her to relax."

  "She's always worked very hard for what she wants." Hard working. Supportive. Self-sacrificing. The best person you could ever want to be by your side. "I take it some things never change."

  "I can't believe I finally got her to go out and then this happens. I thought if I could loosen her up, maybe she wouldn't be so sad. But there she was, getting ready to go home. You know, she almost left and then came back to find me. If she hadn't, she would have been right where the bus hit."

  I've just tied off the suture and Cailynn's revelation stuns me into dropping the scissors.

  "Jesus!" she jumps as the cool metal hits her hand.

  "Oh, sorry," I jerk to pick them up. "I … um … so if Rio hadn't gone back to check on you, she'd …"

  "Be dead. I guess me being sloppy drunk tonight was a good thing. Saved her life." Cailynn shrugs. She pulls out her phone, snaps a selfie, and begins clicking away. I look quickly at what she's typing.

  #stitches #hotdoctor #closecall #survivor #blessed

  Before I can spend too much more time thinking about it, she's whisked off to CT, and I'm onto the next patient.

  Hours pass in a blur, treating shrapnel wounds and fractures and abrasions. I've done more stitches tonight than in the past two years combined. I'm thankful I don't have to work with too many seriously injured patients. The one I lost early on was enough.

  Morning dawns, gray and cold. The news reports eleven dead and over a hundred injured. The cause of the accident is being investigated, but early theories include brake failure on the bus or a car that skidded out of control on the ice, causing the driver to swerve on the narrow city street. Either way, it's the saddest day in the city since the Marathon bombing and #BostonStrong is trending again.

  Seeing the hashtag, my mind flicks back to Cailynn's Instagram post.

  #survivor #blessed

  If it hadn't been for Rio's sense of responsibility, the number might be twelve instead of eleven. Or at least one of the critically injured. Rio was taking care of Cailynn as she'd always taken care of Rainne. It's who she was and what she does. Whether I can admit it or not, it's what she was doing that night with me, trying to make me feel good when I was supposed to have my heart broken. She may have made a mistake, but I know she's not a bad person. She's not like her mother or sister, yet I was so quick to jump to that conclusion. To think I knew best; that I knew it all. Not unlike the situation with my brother. Well, shit, if this isn't twice where my hubris has cost me.

  And I'll be damned if I will spend one more moment without her.

  Chapter 29

  Rio

  This dress is trashed. Even if I could get all of the blood out of it, which I don't think I can, I'd never be able to wear it again. Every time I close my eyes, visions of mangled bodies and blood dance through my mind.

  It's just after ten in the morning, a mere fourteen hours since life as I know it changed. And the hardest part of the day was seeing Ian. It never occurred to me that he'd be there too. Of course he would.

  When he first came running into the waiting room, I swear he was in a panic. I know there was concern, but then he shut it down so quickly, snapping at me in the hall.

  He'll never forgive me.

  I strip off my filthy clothes, dropping them in the trash, and spend way too long in the shower. I shampoo my hair several times, sure that I'll never get all the dust and dirt out of it. I scrub my face and my hands until they're raw, sure the blood will still show, á la Lady MacBeth, even though I know the accident wasn't my fault. Sliding down, I wrap my arms around my knees and let the water pound my back.

  I've never felt so alone in my life.

  If only there was someone I could call, but there's not. There's no one. Ironic, really. My phone's been eerily silent since I returned home from Ohio. While in the end, paying the five grand didn't stop Ian from finding out, at least it's granted me a reprieve from the endless strings of texts and calls, asking for help and laying on the guilt trips.

  The tears start, and I'm not sure they'll ever stop. I cry for the lives lost and the lives changed. I cry because I know it could have—should have—been me. And then I cry because the only person I want by my side right now wants nothing to do with me.

  And I need him. I need him so fucking much. To tell me it will be okay. To remind me that there are people who love me in the world. To hold me.

  Eventually the tears stop, so I turn off the water. I dress in my oldest sweatpants and Ian's Ohio State sweatshirt. I inhale deeply as I pull it over my head. It still smells like him.

  The smell of home.

  Before the threatening tears can spill again, I curl up on my bed and will sleep to come. It doesn't.

  "You can't just barge in like this!" I hear Beth yell. I didn't even know she was home. She must have come in while I was in the shower.

  "You bet your ass I can!" His voice makes me sit upright. No, it can't be right. I must have fallen asleep. I must be dreaming.

  My bedroom door flies open, Ian panting heavily.

  "What?" is all I can muster. Now I know I'm dreaming.

  Beth pulls at Ian's shoulder. "Ian, you can't barge in here like this. She's had a rough day. You have no business being here."

  Ian glares at my roommate. "Stay out of it, Beth. I need to talk to Rio." And with that, he steps into my room, shutting the door in Beth's face.

  His gaze is searching me, but I don't know for what. I'm done apologizing to him. "What do you want, Ian? I'm trying to rest. I've had a long night."

  "You almost died."

  "No, not a scratch on me." I look down at my body. I still expect to see blood on my hands. He looks too, and I see him process what I'm wearing.

  "No, Cailynn told me. You were leaving but went back for her. If you hadn't gone back for her, you would have been hit by the bus. You'd be dead. Or maimed, at the very least." He takes a tentative step toward me.

  I shrug. "I guess being the responsible one finally paid off."

  Ian takes a step closer to my bed, but hesitates. "I can't imagine a world without you in it."

  What is he saying? My heart races before my
head can stop the hope from swelling. My voice hitches as I say, "You could have fooled me."

  "Yeah, about that. I've been thinking. Well, actually, Beth got me thinking."

  "Yeah?" Even though I just want to close my eyes and put last night behind me, I can't wait to see where this is going.

  Ian tentatively sits down on the edge of my bed. I scoot back, increasing the space between us. I need as much physical distance as possible if I have any hope of even remotely processing what he's saying. "So, what you did was wrong. You shouldn't have pretended to be her."

  I nod. "You think I don't know that? I tried to tell you, and I thought ... you knew. But then after ... when you said ... you know, I knew you didn't know. It's the worst mistake I've ever made, and I've regretted it since the minute it happened."

  "You regretted having sex with me?" He seems surprised.

  "Yes. Under those pretenses. You know, it doesn't make a girl feel great to know that someone will only touch her if he thinks she's someone else. That he loves someone else. Hearing you say, 'I love you, Rainne' was like a knife to my heart." I look at my hands, held tightly in my lap. "But I thought it was the only way I'd ever have you."

  "It shouldn't have happened."

  I shake my head. "No, it shouldn't have."

  "I wasn't ready."

  My head snaps up to look at him.

  "I wasn't ready for you. For what an incredible person you are. And always have been. I was young and stupid and foolish. Too stupid to see what was right in front of me. I didn't deserve you. I probably still don't."

  Just when I thought I was all cried out, my eyes fill again.

  "I'm sorry I got so angry with you. You were young and made a mistake. Hell, I did too. I should have known who you were. I understand why you didn't want to tell me."

  "You do?"

  "Well, yeah. It's pretty embarrassing for the both of us, don't you think?"

  Involuntarily, a small smile escapes. "You could say that. Certainly not one of my finest moments."

  "But," his hand reaches out toward my leg, "there's an upside, as Beth so thoughtfully pointed out."

  I don't love the idea of them talking about me, but this I gotta hear. "And that would be?"

  Ian crawls onto the bed, quickly invading my space. "There's only one Pascucci girl I've ever had sex with."

  He leans over me, causing me to recline onto my pillows. I inhale his scent and warmth spreads through my body. My heart soars at his nearness. "This is true. I knew that all along. And it's why I slept with you recently."

  This causes him to pause, still hovering over me, his muscular arms supporting him. "What?"

  "Dude, you never would have made it to first base if you'd slept with my sister. The only saving grace for you is I knew you didn't."

  "So the thing that drove us apart is the only thing that allowed us to be together in the first place?" His brows knit together.

  "Well, now that you put it like that, we're all sorts of screwed up."

  "And speaking of screwing," he leans in and ever so gently kisses my neck, "we've got a lot of lost time to make up for."

  I put my hand on his chest to prevent him from lowering any more onto me. "Slow your roll there, buddy. You think you can just waltz in, take advantage of the fact that I escaped death, and use it for a do-over?"

  Ian looks at deep into my eyes. "Actually, yes."

  I can't keep the grin from my face. "Good enough." I pull him to me, closing the gap between our bodies and our mouths. If I have my way, I will never let him go again.

  

  Ian

  I wake up in a tangle of arms and legs. It takes me a minute to remember where I am, and then I smell the vanilla. It triggers immediate arousal.

  Rio.

  "I'm sorry," I whisper into her hair.

  "I'm sorry too." Her voice startles me.

  "Oh, I didn't know you were awake." I kiss the top of her head, pulling her in a bit tighter.

  "I knew you were up." Her leg presses into me, indicating she feels my hardness.

  "It's the smell of your vanilla. I may never be able to walk into a bakery again for fear of this reaction."

  She laughs. "Okay, but can we talk about the elephant in the room?"

  I grind into her. "I've been complimented a lot in the past but never compared to an elephant. While I'm flattered, you might need to re-evaluate your sizing."

  Rio slaps my chest lightly. "Stop. I'm being serious. I … I just think maybe we need to talk."

  I put my arm behind my head as Rio rests her head on my chest. My other arm holds her tight as my hand runs through her hair. "Okay, what's up?"

  "We need to re-establish the trust. Obviously, there are some issues there."

  "Nope. All good. I'm over it. We both made mistakes. It's done. It's in the past. I'm moving on."

  Rio's quiet for a minute. "Well, that's all very well and good for you, but I wasn't just talking about you. I've got some trust issues with you."

  "Ri, what are you talking about? What did I ever do to you to make you doubt my trust?"

  She props up on her elbow to look at me. "Seriously? Um, for starters, you left me."

  "Oh, well that's in the past. Don't worry."

  Rio lets out a big, dramatic sigh and flops back onto to the pillow. "Easier said than done. You know there's not a lot of people I've been able to trust in my life."

  "I know I let you down but like I said, it's over."

  She covers her face with her hands and growls. Like, an actual growl. "Ian, you stupidhead, you've let me down my entire life. Over and over. If we're going to move forward, I need to be able to trust you. You have to be here for me. You can't run when things are tough."

  Now it's my turn to sigh. She's right, I have let her down, even though I firmly object to her calling me 'stupidhead.' "You're right. And all that changes now. I can't change the past, but I can shape the future."

  "You should put that on a bumper sticker."

  "Maybe I will. I could make a fortune off it."

  "Well, that's a plan."

  Her comment has me thinking about my plan. "I'm moving to Baltimore for a year at the end of June. Then my plan was to go back to Ohio."

  "Yes, I'm aware. And your time is limited until then. I understand all that." She's not looking at me.

  "Johns Hopkins is non-negotiable."

  "Okay."

  "Everything else is up for us to figure out."

  I feel her body go totally still. "What are you saying?"

  "I'm saying that it literally took an act of God, plus a whole lot of planets aligning for me to find you and get you back. My grandmother always said that when you don't listen to God whispering in your ear, He hits you over the head with a two by four. Well, I'm listening now."

  "But what about your parents and brother?"

  "We'll figure it out. My parents are looking to sell the house in the near future anyway. Who's to say they don't move out to us? They have group homes for Evan all over the place. We can find something for him too."

  "I might be able to move back there. Now that my big secret is out."

  "Is that what was keeping you away?"

  She sits up and pulls the sheet around her, covering her scrumptious breasts. "Some. Not all. Most of the things with my mom and sister still stand. They're a shit show. I'll feel responsible. I worry I won't be able to stay out of the drama."

  "I know. And I don't want them to pull you into it."

  "I won't let them."

  I lean over and kiss her. "Neither will I."

  Her tongue dances over my lips and then tangles with my own for a moment. She pulls me onto her, her hands gripping tightly at my buttocks. I can't help but groan into her mouth. Before this goes any further, there's one more thing I need to say.

  "I love you."

  Rio smiles. "Will you love me forever?"

  "I will swear it to my God and on my mother's grave."

  She laughs
. "I don't want to hear that you're praying for the end of time."

  "Never. Forever won't be long enough with you."

  Rio sighs and kisses me again. "You know I love you too." As she says this, she smiles, that wonderful expression that lights up her whole face. God strike me down, I do love this woman, and I will never have enough time with her, not if I live to be 100 years old. "I don't know, Ian."

  "Don't know what?" My blood runs cold for a minute.

  "This. Us. Suddenly, it doesn't seem so complicated."

  "It doesn't have to be. Me. You. Forever. Seems pretty simple to me."

  "It is."

  THE END

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Sophia, you get the first acknowledgment for suggesting that they needed to have meatloaf for dinner. Because of course they did.

  To Ginny Frost: Thank you for all those brainstorming sessions at Denny's. I have no idea where this book would have gone if not for your brilliance.

  To my beta crew: Becky Monson, Laura Chapman, Aven Ellis, and Michele Vagianelis, Thank you for your insight and direction and love of these characters.

  To my editors, Bria Quinlan and Tami Lund. Thank you doesn't seem like enough for all the hard work you poured into my book baby. Thank you for challenging me to reach deeper and be better.

  To Celia Kennedy: Thank you for taking a look at this when I first started the book. Hopefully the rough edges have been smoothed out.

  To Capital Region RWA, especially Jeanette Gray, Kari Cole, and Ginny Frost: I threw a Hail Mary and you caught it. Thanks for problem solving me out of a pickle at the last minute.

  Mom, Dad, Patrick, Jake, and Sophia: Your support has been duly noted and significantly appreciated.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Telling stories of resilient women, Kathryn R. Biel hails from Upstate New York where her most important role is being mom and wife to an incredibly understanding family who don't mind fetching coffee and living in a dusty house. In addition to being Chief Home Officer and Director of Child Development of the Biel household, she works as a school-based physical therapist. She attended Boston University and received her Doctorate in Physical Therapy from The Sage Colleges. After years of writing countless letters of medical necessity for wheelchairs, finding increasingly creative ways to encourage insurance companies to fund her client's needs, and writing entertaining annual Christmas letters, she decided to take a shot at writing the kind of novel that she likes to read. Kathryn is the author of twelve women's fiction, romantic comedy, contemporary romance, and chick lit works, including the award-winning books, Live for This and Made for Me. Please follow Kathryn on her website, http://www.kathrynrbiel.com and sign up for her newsletter at bit.ly/KRBNews.