The Campus Trilogy

by AnonYMous

  ‘Who is it?’ I asked. ‘Someone famous?’

  ‘A Miss Julia Patterson,’ he said slyly. ‘Does it ring a bell?’

  ‘I don’t think so,’ I said. ‘Should it?’

  Dorothy smiled. ‘When she applied, her name seemed familiar. I thought perhaps she had been in the newspapers recently. So I did a little private search of my own…’

  ‘And she found out that Julia Patterson is one and the same as the notorious Miss Strict!’ announced Magnus. ‘The one who got your predecessor into such hot water. You owe her your job … you wouldn’t be here without her!’

  I was bewildered. ‘But what in the world is a girl like that doing in a Master’s course in Information Retrieval?’ I asked.

  ‘She appears to be a very agreeable young person,’ said Dorothy. ‘At her interview she said she was interested in learning how to compile and manage a large database. It will be the foundation of the small business she is starting …’

  ‘We think,’ interrupted Magnus, ‘that she’s planning to organise an extensive blackmailing scheme which will encompass all the major public figures in England. I should think it’ll be a nice little earner. Do you think you could persuade her to sell us shares in the enterprise, Dorothy?’

  ‘I’ve been very pleased with her work,’ insisted Miss Upton. ‘She’s diligent, eagar to learn and substantially more accurate than other people I could mention.’

  Magnus chortled. ‘Strictly accurate, I hope,’ he said, as he summoned the waiter for more peanuts.

  Once the Funding Council’s proposals were released to the university, I did not have an easy time. Initially, the St Sebastian’s Council was appalled by the idea of a merger. The majority of members were local businessmen and county dignitaries. They loved their connection with the university. They were affronted by the possibility that the services of some of them might no longer be required. However, once it was clear that there would be no money for the current institution, attitudes changed. Gradually, realism crept in. I soothed feelings and calmed tempers. Things became easier once it was agreed that the vast majority would be drafted onto the new amalgamated governing body.

  The academics were even more difficult. I knew from my own working life that university teachers were prima donnas. They could not stomach the idea that they might in future be working with a teachers’ training college. ‘What about our research culture?’ they wailed. Again I flattered, comforted and pacified. I pointed out again and again that they would be doing exactly the same job in exactly the same place. The only difference would be that their employment would now be secure. There were times when I felt I was trying to persuade a group of film stars to sing a Gilbert and Sullivan chorus in a primary school pantomime. But again, bit by bit, everyone became used to the idea. What had seemed totally intolerable, slowly became regrettably inevitable.

  I met Dr Meddles several times. He was highly efficient. He returned telephone calls; he was punctual for appointments and he invariably had the right papers with him. Apparently his doctorate was in Cybernetics and he had written a well-received book on effective time management. Although I could not detect a glimmer of humour in him and I knew that we could never be friends, I had no doubt that he was the ideal man for the job.

  Sloth agreed to go quietly. Overall he seemed rather relieved. He and his wife were looking forward to their retirement in Northamptonshire. They certainly received a generous financial package. The situation with Pilkington was more complicated. There was a rumour that he intended to return to St Sebastian’s. He said he felt it his duty to contribute to the new institution. In the event, after a private session with Sir Roy Greengrass, he accepted his destiny. He applied for admission to a Methodist theological college in Bristol. Again his final severance payment was not inconsiderable.

  By the middle of July everything was sorted out. As a final fling, the Archbishop of Cannonbury agreed to give the address at the university graduation ceremony. It had long been the custom for this to take place in the nave of the cathedral. Subsequently, a lunch was offered to the graduates and their families in a huge marquee pitched on the Green Court. Then, when all the students had left, the Provost, as Visitor, held a tea party in the Provost’s Garden for the graduation speaker and invited guests. The wonderful Emma Glass volunteered to organise the food and it was to be served by the Catering department.

  On the day, hundreds of students dressed in black gowns, green hoods and mortarboards milled around the precincts. University staff, also in full academic pontificals, assembled just before eleven and processed through the Trinity Gate into the cathedral. It was my role to hand out the diplomas, and I sat in the front on the daïs.

  First of all, Sloth, as Acting Vice-Chancellor, welcomed the visitors. Then I went through my routine. I tried to say something individual to each of the new graduates. Things picked up when the Archbishop made his speech. He was at his best, amusing and serious, whimsical and direct, by turn. Then, to conclude proceedings, Sloth addressed the company. He outlined the amalgamation plans. These were exciting times, he said. The Council had agreed that a merger should take place between Arrowsmith Teacher Training College and St Sebastian’s University. From now on, the combined institution would be referred to as Arrowsmith-St Sebastian’s. He emphasised that this was a time of great opportunity and a tremendous declaration of faith in the future. Finally, he introduced Dr Merlin Meddles, the current Principal of Arrowsmith College, who would be taking over as Vice-Chancellor.

  There was a second graduation ceremony after lunch which followed the same course as the first. Everything was finished by half-past three and we had a short break before our guests were due to arrive an hour later.

  The Archbishop and his chaplain came first with Robert and Jenny Sloth. They were taken by Victoria into the garden at the back of the house. Glasses of champagne were handed out and Emma Glass supervised the distribution of exquisite tiny scones, and cakes. Next came senior adminstrators, members of the council and representatives of the academic staff. Merlin Meddles and his wife were included and I introduced them to the Archbishop. The Blenkensops, the Sinclairs, the Archdeacon, the Precentor and Canon Robinson, Derek Trend’s replacement, were also present. Victoria had invited a little group from the Priory. Matron drove them over in the minibus and Reg Blenkensop found chairs for them all. Magnus was very much in evidence, resplendant in his Oxford DPhil gown, with Dorothy Upton smiling by his side. Felix was on active duty refilling glasses and Victoria and Emma made sure that everyone had enough to eat.

  The guests wandered about the garden and admired the flowers. It was a beautiful hot afternoon and Brutus and Cleo sauntered over the lawn and settled themselves on top of the garden wall. They basked in the sun and surveyed the scene. When I next looked up, to my amazement, there were three cats present, not two. Marmaduke had positioned himself a few yards from Brutus. The large ginger and the two siamese sat in perfect harmony, enjoying the warmth together.

  While I was speaking with the Sinclairs, the Archbishop’s chaplain struck his glass with a spoon and called us to attention. The Archbishop, magnificent in his purple cassock, stepped forward. ‘Friends,’ he said, ‘I want to thank Harry and Victoria for their generous hospitality.’ He then looked in the direction of Emma. ‘I understand Mrs Glass is responsible for all these delicious scones and cakes. I’ve eaten far too many already and I intend to eat plenty more!’ There was a ripple of laughter and a burst of clapping which Emma acknowledged.

  Then the Archbishop continued. ‘Now, some of you may know that this past autumn I invited Harry to delay his retirement and take on the role of Provost for a short period of time. To my enormous relief, he accepted the burden and I’m sure you’ll all agree that he and Victoria have been a wonderful addition to the cathedral family. Now I have good news. Earlier this week, I asked him if he might consider staying just a little while longer. It is a critical time for the university, and he is much needed in the cathedral. I’m r
elieved to tell you that he has accepted the challenge. This is indeed good news for all of us. St Sebastian’s really needs him.’ There was a gratifying burst of applause as the Archbishop finished speaking.

  Once everyone was chatting again, Felix took me on one side. ‘Congratulations, Harry,’ he said. ‘Good to have you around for a bit longer!’ He grinned. ‘You’ve had a busy year, you know … Lots has happened … I almost feel as if there might be another novel coming along …’

  Magnus came up to join us. His plate was piled high with cakes. ‘Emma’s a genius! Splendid party, Harry!’ he said as he accidentally spilled some of his drink. It fizzed spectacularly on his crimson gown. I handed him my handkerchief to mop it up. ‘You know what the acronym for our new institution will be?’ he chuckled.

  ‘I haven’t thought about it,’ I said. ‘Arrowsmith-St. Sebastians …’

  ‘Exactly!’ declared Magnus, ‘ASS … highly appropriate, particulary in view of our new Vice-Chancellor …’

  ‘Magnus!’ I remonstrated. ‘Merlin Meddles is a very competent administrator and is highly regarded by the Chairman of the Funding Council …’

  ‘Precisely,’ Magnus agreed. ‘You could hardly have damned him more completely. He’s exactly the kind of person who should be head of ASS. I shall suggest that the new coat-of-arms has a donkey on it with a suitable motto. Something like Melius Resistere Quam Intellegere (Better to Resist than to Understand).’

  ‘It’s a pity Pilkington’s not here,’ remarked Felix.

  ‘He’s at his interview for the theological college,’ I said. ‘He wrote Victoria a nice note.’

  ‘All this is his work, you know,’ continued Felix. ‘If he hadn’t made up those absurd names, we probably would have got through the Quality Control inspection and the Funding Council would never have been alerted to Flanagan’s misdemeanours. At the end of the day, the amalgamation is all due to him.’

  ‘Do you know,’ I said. ‘I haven’t spoken to him once since I returned to St Sebastian’s. Victoria bumped into Maureen Pilkington in Marks and Spencer, but I’ve not come across him. Isn’t that strange?’

  ‘He’s the invisible man …,’ said Magnus

  ‘The ghost at the feast …,’ echoed Felix,’

  ‘The ultimate whistleblower,’ I concluded, ‘an agent of change. He was all air and no substance, rather like your novels, Felix. And now we won’t see him again. He’s leaving St Sebastian’s to preach to the Methodists.’

  ‘It’s funny how life turns out,’ said Magnus and he went off to find Dorothy in the crowd.