No Substitute

by Susan Diane Johnson

  “I had a great time at the drive-in,” Bradley said. “Maybe we should go again this weekend.” Amy was close enough to see the suggestive look he gave Shayna, who bent her head and giggled. Quentin wouldn’t like this one bit.

  Oh come on Amy, she scolded herself. He’s just being a kid. Here she was a teacher who always prided herself on understanding kids, reduced to spying on one of her students.

  She deliberately focused on a couple of kids across the hall, determined not to eavesdrop on Shayna and Bradley. Still, the looks, the suggestive tones, the embarrassed sounding giggles when their heads were bent together had Amy worried. As soon as she walked in her front door, she called Quentin. His secretary said he was in a meeting. The woman asked to take a message in such an inquisitive, interested tone, Amy declined.

  ****

  As the week progressed, Amy noticed Shayna and Bradley spending even more time with their desks pulled together in the back corner of the classroom. As it should be, she told herself trying not to get too nervous about it. They were working together on a project, after all. She tried not to let herself notice the soft looks and flirtatious smiles they passed back and forth. But by Friday, the looks became more intense and her nervousness grew when Bradley threw his arm over Shayna’s shoulders in a possessive and much too familiar manner. She really had to call Quentin.

  All the way home from work, her nerves jumped. She hadn’t spoken to him since that horrible conversation, yet she’d thought about him every single day. What would he think when she called him? Not that it mattered. Shayna was up to something. She was certain of it. And much to her dismay, she really did feel responsible.

  She was barely in the door when she pulled her cell phone out of her bag. As she punched in the numbers she heard a startled cry.

  “Ouch!” The male voice startled her.

  “Is someone there?” The phone didn’t even ring. The call must have connected at the same moment she flipped it open. “Hello, who’s there?”

  “Amy, is that you?”

  Jared. Something in her froze. Her heart started thumping, and not in a good way. Once she’d made up her mind to call Jared and tell him they couldn’t have a relationship, she’d allowed herself to get totally sidetracked. She’d never called him.

  “Jared, hi.”

  “How are you, Amy?”

  His voice was so tender, Amy felt ten times guiltier than she had before. Decent and caring, he deserved a woman who could truly love him with all her heart and soul. She just wasn’t the one. She had to find a way to let him down easy. But how?

  “Jared, I’m sorry I didn’t call you back like I said I would. Things got out of hand.” Her heart thumped heavy in her chest. Hurting him was going to hurt her, too. She prayed God would help her let Jared down easy. “Will you forgive me?”

  “I missed you.” He sounded so disillusioned, so sad. “When you first left, I thought I would go crazy with missing you.”

  “I’m sorry. It was something I had to do.” She didn’t want to hurt him further by repeating her reasons.

  “I know, I know. You had to deal with your past before we could have a future.”

  Amy blinked, surprised. This didn’t sound like Jared at all. The caring, the concern...they were no longer in his voice. “Jared, I—”

  “It’s OK, Amy. You don’t have to say it.” He seemed bitter. “So, have you?”

  “H-have I what?” Amy swallowed hard, knowing exactly what he meant. What should she say?

  “Dealt with your past. Made it right with that fellow you were always mooning over?”

  So, she hadn’t imagined the bitterness. It was real. And she was the cause. She never realized she’d been such a miserable failure when it came to concealing the hurts of her past. Obviously Jared read her better than she’d ever imagined. And it pained her that she’d hurt such a gentle man.

  “Jared, I’m so sorry. I didn’t think I was mooning over anyone. At least not that anyone else could see.”

  “Come on, Amy. Don’t you think I’m smart enough to figure out why you could never commit to me?”

  “Jared, I didn’t realize—”

  “I know you didn’t.” He sounded so angry. “You only thought of yourself, never about how your brooding and your moods affected me.”

  Was it true? Had she really been that selfish toward him? Shame washed over her. “I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. That’s why I went away. So I could deal with this, so I could put it behind me and give you my whole heart.”

  “I don’t want it.”

  “Please understand, Jared. Please?”

  “I said,” he lowered his voice and spoke slowly, “I don’t want it.”

  “What?” Amy was confused. He didn’t want what? Her explanation? Or...her heart?

  Stunned, Amy stared at the phone. Then it dawned on her. When he said he’d missed her, it had been past tense. He didn’t miss her anymore.

  “There’s someone else, isn’t there?” Her not so subtle inquiry was met with silence.

  She waited.

  The silence grew. Something inside her soared. Jared would be OK because he’d found a woman who could give him her whole self. Thank you, God. “It’s OK, Jared. I understand. I can’t expect you to sit around while I try to get my act together.”

  “I’m sorry, Amy. I didn’t mean to sound so harsh.” The bitterness was gone, but the guilt in his voice tore at her insides. Amy felt a piece of her heart chip off. This was her fault, not his. It was her fault this wonderful man was mired in guilt and bitterness.

  “Jared, please.” Amy spoke as gently as she could, wanting him to know she wasn’t upset with him. In truth, she wished him every bit of happiness he deserved. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m the one who is sorry. I’m the one who wronged you.”

  “No, you didn’t. You thought you were over him. I don’t think you’ll ever be over him. Even though you were both young, something in your souls connected. You have to find a way, Amy. You belong together.”

  Tears blurred her vision and burned her eyes. “Whoever she is, Jared, she’s a very lucky woman. I hope you’ll be very happy.”

  “I hope the same thing for you, Amy.”

  Amy couldn’t speak, so she gently closed her phone. When it rang again, a few minutes later, she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand before answering. “Jared, I’m sorry I hung up. I just— I couldn’t—”

  “Jared?”

  “Quentin?” Amy’s heart leaped as her stomach nose-dived. “Oh, Quentin, I thought you were someone else.”

  “Obviously.”

  He sounded...jealous. Impossible. Wasn’t it? Her heart pounded.

  “It’s not what you think, Quentin. Jared is a— was a— friend. From Issaquah.”

  “Friend? Is that what you call it?”

  Amy said nothing.

  “Don’t you return your calls, Amy?”

  “I did return your call. You were in a meeting. And then, well, I just wasn’t sure what to say after our last conversation. It didn’t end well, if you remember.”

  “Of course, I remember.” He sounded hurt.

  “In fact, I was just getting ready to call you when Jared called. I need to talk to you.”

  “I need to talk to you, too. It’s about Rufus.”

  “Rufus?” Who was Rufus?

  “You know, Shayna’s duck.”

  A duck? “Your urgent phone messages were because of a duck?” Amy wasn’t sure if she should be offended or not. He wanted to talk to her about a duck. She needed to talk to him about his daughter.

  “Yes, um...not just any duck. Listen, it feels silly discussing this over the phone. Can I come over?”

  “No!” She definitely didn’t want to be alone with him. It was too intimate. Her true feelings might betray her. It was better for them to meet in a public place. “Let’s meet somewhere.”

  “Alfredo’s?”

  It figured that he’d pick their old hangout. But it h
ad to be better than being alone with him here. “All right,” she said with some misgiving. “Half an hour.”

  ****

  When Amy’s metallic pink Honda Civic pulled into the parking lot at Alfredo’s, Quentin’s heart suddenly grew lighter. He jumped out of his truck to greet her. As he approached the car, her smile took his breath away. He didn’t realize until that very moment how eagerly he’d been watching for her. Nearly a week had passed since he’d seen her, and all of a sudden it seemed like forever.

  “Amy, hi.” Quentin hurried to open the door for her, inhaling the fresh sunshiny fragrance of her hair as she stepped out of the car. Her short-sleeved dress was made of a white crinkly fabric with tiny flowers that matched the color of her car. It was amazing the way she looked and smelled so fresh after a long day at school. He wanted to sweep her into his arms and see if she felt as feminine as she looked.

  “How’d you end up with a pink car?” He tried to divert his thoughts.

  “Mauve,” she stated simply.

  “I know my colors, Amy. I work with paint every day. It’s definitely pink.”

  “It’s called Metallic Mauve,” she insisted. “I have a small jar of touch-up paint at home. I can show you the jar and lot number if you’d like.”

  “I believe you, but I also know pink when I see it. No self-respecting guy would ever drive a car that color.”

  “Lucky for you,” she looked over her shoulder with a smile, “I’m not a guy.”

  “No kidding.” Quentin bit back a smile, enjoying the teasing, admiring the way the dress skimmed her gentle curves. “What made you buy a car that color, anyway?”

  “Because it’s the closest I could get to my favorite color.”

  “Which is?”

  “Pink.” She tossed him another smile, and then pushed open the heavy wooden door.

  They hadn’t gone two feet when she stopped in her tracks, and Quentin walked right into her. “Sorry.” She felt so good, so close. He inhaled deeply, reveling in her sweet fragrance.

  “It’s OK,” she whispered. Instead of moving forward, she turned to look at him. Their faces almost touched and he found himself staring at her soft pink lips, remembering what they felt like against his. “Miki’s here, and I don’t want her to get the wrong idea about us.”

  “Should I be offended?” He said it jokingly, surprised to realize he was serious. But Amy’s pleading smile was so disarming he found himself agreeing with her when she asked if they could get their food to go.

  “We can go down to the beach and eat in either your manly truck or my girlie car.”

  As soon as she spoke the words, she seemed uncomfortable. She started to say something else, probably that she’d changed her mind, but was cut off by Miki shouting across the room.

  “Amy, hi! Quentin Macmillan, is that you?”

  “Oh, great.” Amy gave Miki a half-hearted wave. “Don’t encourage her.” She spoke the warning under her breath as she stepped toward the tiny, dark-haired woman.

  A nerdy looking man sat next to her, so close there was no denying they were on a date. Funny, he didn’t seem the sort to be out with a woman like Miki.

  “Stewart,” Amy said pleasantly. “It’s nice to see you. Quentin, this is Stewart Snyder, the photography teacher at the high school.”

  Quentin shook the sweaty palm Stewart extended and hoped they wouldn’t stick around for small talk. No matter the reason they were really meeting tonight, Quentin wanted Amy to himself.

  Amy ushered Miki from the table, obviously so they could speak in private. She was probably going to warn Miki against giving him the third degree.

  “I didn’t know you and Stewart were dating.” She spoke to Miki in what she obviously thought was a whisper, but Quentin could hear every word. “Be careful. I don’t care how nice he is, no man can be trusted.”

  Though uncomfortable with Amy’s comments, Quentin didn’t want to discuss it in front of Miki. When the women returned to the table, he and Amy sat in strained silence, at the same table as Miki and Stewart, making small talk about things like the weather, while waiting for the pizza.

  No man can be trusted. Obviously he was included in that comment. He knew what he’d done to hurt her. But who else had hurt her, and how bad? He hated that he’d hurt her, no matter how young and inexperienced he’d been. But even more, he hated that someone else had heaped hurt on her heart. Amy didn’t deserve it.

  11

  When the pizza was ready they climbed into Quentin’s truck and drove to the beach in an uncomfortable silence. The bay at the center of town was commonly known as City Beach. A dumb name, Amy thought, certainly not very imaginative in a town with a name as lovely as Goose Bay. But City Beach was far from commonplace. The crescent-shaped bay had the best view in town: tree covered bluffs, Mount Rainier on a clear day, small islands off in the distance, and, of course, water as far as the eye could see.

  Sunset on a night like this was gorgeous. On the other side of town, just about a mile in the almost-opposite direction, you could look to the right and see the Cascade Mountains, then to the left and see the Olympics. Tonight the sunset behind them cast hues ahead, while the moon was already high in the sky. Strategically placed buoys intermittently flashed red and green lights. Remnants of an old wharf rose out of the water. During the day an eagle was often perched on one of the pylons.

  After parking the truck in front of the driftwood-lined shore, Quentin took the pizza box from Amy’s lap and flipped it open.

  “I’m starved.” He sounded as awkward as she felt.

  Flirting with him earlier had been fun, and Amy regretted ruining it with her awful comment to Miki. Quentin obviously overheard her. She knew she should apologize, but she just couldn’t. To do so would mean she’d have to explain. That would mean opening her heart and then she would be vulnerable to him all over again.

  “Amy, the reason I called earlier. . .” Quentin hesitated.

  “You mean the duck?”

  “Rufus. We’ve had him for a long time. Ever since Karen died, actually. I know he’s just a duck, but Shayna is about as attached to him as any other kid would be to their dog.”

  Amy sighed and thought back on how she’d always longed for a dog, a cat, a pet of any kind. Because they moved so often, she’d never been allowed to even have a hamster.

  Quentin had grown quiet and stared out his window as the sunset shimmered on the gently rippling water. A couple drifted by on a paddle-boat, directly into the wash of moonlight.

  Something was bothering him.

  “Quentin, is something wrong with Shayna’s duck?”

  “Nothing’s wrong with the duck. But one of our neighbors has decided to take a dislike to him and complained to the city. They’ve decided to enforce some code that prohibits farm animals in the city.”

  “But a duck isn’t a farm animal.”

  “The city doesn’t look at it that way. To them Rufus is a farm animal and if we don’t get rid of him, they will.”

  A strange certainty was building in the pit of Amy’s stomach.

  “Amy, would you take Rufus?”

  “Quentin, I don’t know. I’ve never—”

  “It’s not hard. We’ll come over and teach you what to do. All he needs is fresh water, cracked corn, and a little lettuce every day. Oh, and spaghetti if you ever have leftovers.”

  She was single. She always had leftovers.

  “But Quentin, I live in the city. Why is it OK for me and not for you?”

  “Technically you’re just outside city limits. They can’t enforce the code on you.”

  “What about your other friends?”

  Quentin shook his head.

  “We went through something like this once before. With the same neighbor. Only she didn’t go as far as calling the city. She just complained a lot. We gave Rufus to the only person we could find. Nick St. James. You met him at church.”

  Amy remembered. The handsome single father with the adorable to
ddler.

  “His ducks were merciless to Rufus. The poor little guy was miserable, and Shayna cried every time we visited him. Please, Amy?” Quentin took her hand and gazed into her eyes.

  “How am I supposed to say no to that?” She was about to get that pet she always wanted.

  He smiled at her, the blue of his eyes deepening. He leaned close. Amy held her breath while she waited for him to kiss her.

  Something cracked against the windshield and startled them apart. They both looked at the window in alarm. A seagull sat there staring at them.

  “Nasty seagulls,” Quentin muttered. “Get off my truck.”

  Amy burst out laughing. “I think he wants our food.”

  She picked up a slice of pizza and sure enough, the scavenger’s beady eyes followed every movement she made. She started to open the window and the gull opened his beak wide enough she could almost see into his gullet. The sound he made was horrible.

  “Gross!” Amy squeezed her eyes shut. “I can’t stand looking at him while he makes that awful sound. It’s hideous.”

  “What’s hideous? The sound or the inside of his throat?”

  “Both!”

  “I agree. Don’t throw the pizza out until we’re leaving. Otherwise all the friends he just called will make a mess all over my truck.”

  Just as Quentin pulled away from the beach Amy tossed a slice through the window. Sure enough, two-dozen gray-and-white gluttons descended on the ground and began pulling at the piece of pizza.

  “They’d gobble this entire pizza in seconds flat if we gave it to them,” Quentin said.

  “But don’t waste it like that. Take it home to share with Shayna.”

  “Can’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “She’s not home. She’s spending the night with Ashley.”

  Unable to help herself, Amy sucked in a breath.

  “What?”

  Avoiding Quentin’s question, she leaned back in her seat. “I was afraid of that.” Her stomach headed into a free-fall.

  “Why? What’s going on?” Quentin pulled the truck over with a jerk of the wheel and came to an abrupt halt.