Hope in a Jar

by Beth Harbison

  He sat down heavily and steepled his hands in front of him. “Then it’s a good thing you called Olivia. In fucking New York.”

  “Noah, what is wrong with you?”

  He looked at her. “What do you think is wrong with me?”

  She thought what was wrong with him was that he was about to marry one of the nastiest people she had ever met in her life, but he’d just made it clear that that particular brand of honesty wasn’t welcome right now.

  “I don’t know,” she said, pulling the towel off her head so she looked at least a little less ridiculous. This was not the kind of conversation one should have in a ratty robe and a towel turban. “I honestly don’t. You’re supposed to be happy right now.”

  “Yes. I am.” He straightened up and gripped his hands on his knees and met her eyes. “I’m supposed to be over the goddamn moon.”

  There was trouble.

  Hope surged.

  Followed quickly by guilt.

  She sat down next to him. Her wet hair fell in front of her eyes and she raked it back with her hand. “Aren’t you?” she asked quietly, putting a hand on his.

  “Don’t do that.” He shook off her hand.

  “Don’t do what?”

  He shook his head.

  “Noah?”

  He sighed heavily and looked down at his feet. “You should get dressed.”

  This was giving her whiplash. “You should tell me what the hell’s going on.”

  “You know what’s going on. Tori and I are getting married.”

  “And that’s why you’re yelling at me?”

  “I’m not yelling at you.”

  “Then your normal speaking voice has gotten really loud and kind of mean.”

  A small smile played at his lips for a moment, but then he sobered and said, “The wedding is next month.”

  “Next month?” Allie felt like she’d been sucker punched. “No!”

  “Yes.”

  “But that’s so soon.”

  “Why wait?”

  “Because . . . you should. People do. Why don’t you have a nice, long engagement? Time to”—think about this, come to your senses, change your mind, call it off—“prepare.”

  For a long moment, he didn’t say anything. He just stared at the floor while she stared at him.

  Eventually he looked up again. “Do you remember when you met Kevin?”

  That was out of left field. “Kevin?”

  “Yes, Kevin. Do you remember when you met him?”

  She thought a moment. “We were at Windsor McKay’s. You and I were there and I was coming out of the bathroom and I knocked into him and he spilled his wine on me.”

  “Right. First of all, what kind of guy drinks merlot in a place like Windsor McKay’s—”

  True. It was a peanuts-on-the-floor, drink-your-beer-from-the-bottle sort of place.

  “—and second, I was trying to tell you something that night before that happened.”

  “Really? What?”

  He clenched his teeth and the muscle in his jaw twitched. “That I—”

  Her phone rang. It never rang.

  “What?” she prodded.

  “Go ahead and get it.”

  “Ignore it. What were you going to say?”

  The answering machine kicked on. She had the volume turned too high. First there was her voice, bellowing to leave a message, then her temp agency, reporting that there was a job available for the next week and a half.

  There was really no talking over the noise, and once it had finally stopped the momentum was lost.

  “You were saying?” she asked.

  He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t even know why I brought it up.”

  “Don’t be so cryptic!”

  “I’m not being cryptic. I just don’t want to talk anymore. I’m sick of talking.”

  She was astonished. “We’ve barely spoken for weeks!”

  “That’s because we don’t always connect, Allie. We don’t always get each other.” He paused. “It’s not fair for you to make this harder on me just because you don’t understand it.”

  Harder?

  “Funny, that’s the same reason I can’t make it easier on you.”

  He turned to her and took a short breath. “Allie.”

  “Yes?”

  He looked pained. He started to speak, then stopped.

  “Noah!”

  “I can’t do this.” He started to get up, but she pulled him back down.

  “You can’t do what?”

  “This.” He gestured at her, then around the room. “Any of this.”

  “Noah.” She moved closer and put her hand on his shoulder. “Come on. We’ve been friends most of our lives. You can talk to me about anything.”

  He looked back at her and reached up to touch her face, her hair. “Not this time.”

  She felt a shiver come over her. When they were kids they’d said someone’s walking over your grave but that was definitely not the case right now.

  Right now Allie looked into his eyes and suddenly wanted nothing more than for him to kiss her.

  “I can’t . . . we can’t . . .”

  Fear struck her. “Can’t what?” she asked quietly, trying to brace herself for his response, whatever it was.

  He stood up and walked over to the window. “Do you really believe in love, Allie? Do you think there’s a one for everyone?” He turned back to face her. “Or do you think that’s all just a bunch of horseshit?”

  “I . . . don’t know.” Which answer would make him prolong his engagement or, better still, end it? She opted for the truth. “I think I believe in love.”

  “Have you ever been in love?”

  She hadn’t been in love with Kevin. She hadn’t even thought she was. What about Joey Chapman?

  No.

  Chris Rescott?

  Nope.

  Actually, the only guy she’d really loved unconditionally for any great length of time was Noah himself.

  She should tell him.

  But she couldn’t. “This is about you, not me.”

  “Answer my question.”

  “Do you want a beer?” She stood up. “They’re warm, but I could put some in the freezer for a few minutes.” She started toward the kitchen, but Noah came over and caught her by the arms, turning her to face him.

  “Answer the question, Allie.”

  She looked up into his face. He was just inches from her. She could just . . . No, she couldn’t. “I . . . don’t know,” she stammered. “What about you?”

  “Definitely.” He let go of her arms and turned away.

  “Are you in love right now?” she asked his back.

  He hesitated for a long time, then finally nodded. “Yes, I am.”

  Something about the way he said it was so sincere. So resigned. So achingly heartfelt, that she thought she might cry.

  He was in love.

  It was Vickie Freedman, but he was in love. And the depth of emotion Allie had seen in his eyes left no doubt that she couldn’t sway his feelings no matter what.

  So she had to step up to the plate and do the last thing in the world she felt she could do.

  “Then you’re doing exactly the right thing by marrying Vickie,” she said, over a lump in her throat. “And I’ve been a shitty friend.” She threw her arms around him. “I’m sorry, Noah. I’m so sorry. I want you to be happy.”

  He closed his arms around her slowly. He didn’t say a word.

  She clung to him. She didn’t want to let go. She didn’t realize until now how much she’d missed talking to him, even for the short time it had been.

  But just when she started to think she could stay there forever, he put his hands on her hips and drew back away from her. “You’re wasting away.”

  “It’s nine pounds.” She laughed. “Not a miracle.”

  “You didn’t need to lose an ounce.”

  “Now you’re just lying.” She smiled.

  He did
n’t. “I need to go.”

  No. Please, no. “Why?”

  “I can’t see you anymore, Al.”

  “Right, I’m so thin I’m invisible.”

  “No, I mean I can’t see you anymore. We can’t hang out anymore.”

  “What?” She felt the blood drain from her face. “Tell me you’re kidding.”

  He shook his head slowly. “I’m sorry.”

  This made no sense. “Please. Noah, tell me you don’t mean this.” Her knees felt weak. “Did Vickie put you up to this?”

  “No.” He took an uneven breath. “This is completely my decision. I doubt she even knows—well, trust me, it’s best for all of us.”

  The doorbell buzzed.

  Allie didn’t care.

  “Noah—”

  “There’s someone at your door.” He moved toward it, and she knew he’d use it as an easy escape.

  “No.” She grabbed his arm and stood her ground. “This is more important.” Desperation tasted like metal in her mouth.

  He pulled free. “I have to go.”

  The door buzzed again.

  Noah went and opened it. “Bye, Allie,” he said, pushing past Sing Yee.

  “Noah!” She ran to the door and looked out but he’d already rounded the corner and poor Sing was standing there with her food and a puzzled look on his face.

  “Hi, Sing,” she said, hoping he didn’t notice the tears welling in her eyes. She gave a quick sniff and signed the paper he held out for her but in a moment were streaming down her face.

  “Is everything okay, Miss Denty? Do you need me to call someone?”

  “I’m fine.” She tried to smile. “Thanks.” She took the food and went inside, closing the door behind her.

  She dropped the bag directly in the trash, went to the sofa where Noah had just been sitting, and cried until there was nothing left in her and she fell into a restless sleep.

  Sixteen

  Eleventh Grade

  It’s gonna be an Aviance night . .

  —ad for Aviance perfume by Prince Matchabelli

  They had been at the Montgomery County Agricultural Fair for maybe ten minutes before Olivia and Mark had disappeared, undoubtedly off to find some quiet spot in which to make out and God knows what else.

  This was exactly why Allie had begged Noah to come with her, because otherwise she would have been the third wheel and she just hated that.

  “You want to go see the butter cow?” she asked Noah as they wandered aimlessly among the strewn trash and twirling iron rides, surrounded by neon, children, and the smell of popcorn and cotton candy.

  “The butter cow,” he repeated dryly. He was crabby. He hadn’t wanted to come. She’d had to talk him into it, with promises of fun and rewards that she couldn’t possibly provide, and now that he was here he was being more of a jerk than ever.

  She didn’t know what was wrong with him lately. They’d been friends for years and she’d never done anything to him, but lately he was being really chilly toward her. And she could no longer blame it on the fact that he hated her boyfriend, Tony Conversano, because she and Tony had broken up three weeks ago.

  If anything, Noah had gotten even more icy toward her since then. Which made her wonder if he thought she was cramping his style. Maybe he thought girls wouldn’t approach him if she was with him.

  Maybe it was true.

  And maybe Allie was just fine with that.

  But for now, here she was, stuck with him and his foul mood. And he was stuck with her. And until they caught up with Olivia and Mark, they were stuck with each other because Mark was their ride home.

  “Yeah, it’s a huge cow, carved out of butter,” she said, trying to make it sound good. Worth coming out for. “They keep it in a refrigerated case over by the livestock.” It sounded lame, even to her, although the sad truth was the butter cow was the first thing she wanted to see when her parents brought her here as a child. “It’s really big.”

  Noah looked at her. “Are you serious?”

  “Yes, I’m serious!”

  “Is it as big as a real cow?”

  “Almost!”

  “Well, then, of course I want to see the butter cow.” He rolled his eyes. “Beats the hell out of riding the merry-go-round.”

  She used to love that, too, but she decided against a passionate defense of it right now.

  As it turned out, the butter cow was a lot smaller than she remembered it. Standing in front of the case, seeing it through Noah’s eyes, she realized it was just a big lump of fat, vaguely shaped like an animal. The August nights had been unusually hot this year, so it was possible that it had melted from a once-incredible state, but the illusion, for Allie, was shattered and she wondered if she had just glorified it in her mind all these years.

  “It’s really amazing,” Noah said.

  “It probably was.”

  “Got anything else?”

  “Sometimes they have a five-legged cow in the barns.”

  “Anything that’s not animal related?”

  That ruled out the pig races, which, she was confident, would still be fun.

  So they walked back toward the parking lot, Allie hoping all the while that something would catch Noah’s eye so he didn’t spend the next month telling her what a saint he’d been for coming with her tonight.

  Instead all they ran into was Vickie Freedman and her crew.

  “Allison,” Vickie said, with a sideways glance both left and right at her pals. They were like the battery power that kept her going. “Who’s your friend?” She gestured at Noah, who had stopped several yards away to get a Coke.

  “None of your business,” Allie snapped.

  “He’s cute. So I guess he’s not with you.”

  “He’s with me.”

  Vickie looked her over. “I’d guess he was a relative or something but no one related to you could be that good-looking.”

  Illogically, Allie’s thoughts flew to her mother, and she felt really sad and angry that Vickie might say something like that about her parents, who were so nice. And attractive. “You are such a bitch.”

  “You’re ugly. At least I can stop being a bitch.”

  Vickie’s friends giggled. One of them was Lela Kelly, a girl with a face like Marcia Brady after she was hit by the football—Allie had known her since preschool and even though they’d never been friends her laughter felt like an act of betrayal.

  “I doubt you can,” Allie said. Lame.

  She hadn’t been aware Noah had come up until she heard him ask, “Who the hell is this?”

  “No one,” she said, slightly louder than she needed to. But she was as proud as a peacock that Noah had dissed Vickie.

  “Victoria,” Vickie said, smiling as if she were the sweetest thing on earth. “Haven’t I seen you around school?”

  “I have no idea,” Noah said, then to Allie he added, “Ready?”

  She was more than ready and they started to step away when Vickie actually put a hand on Noah’s arm.

  “The people we’re meeting are bringing some beer,” Vickie said. “Why don’t you stick with us instead?”

  Allie rolled her eyes. Thank goodness Noah wasn’t the kind of guy who’d take her up on an offer like that, because it would have been humiliating. Just what Vickie was angling for. “What people?” Allie challenged.

  “Some guys that go to MC. No one you’d know.” Montgomery College was the local community college and had students from age sixteen to seventy-five, so conceivably Vickie was meeting her grandparents here.

  But Allie doubted it.

  “No, thanks,” Noah said.

  That thanks really stuck in Allie’s craw, even though she knew it was just a polite reflex on his part. Nevertheless, it felt good to walk away from them with him, knowing that Vickie was watching.

  “I can’t believe what a bitch she is,” Allie said when they were out of earshot. “Actually, I can’t believe she’s still so seventh-grade-bitchy.”

 
“She goes to our school?”

  “She has for years.” Allie made a disgusted face. “You haven’t actually talked to her, have you?”

  He laughed, finally, for the first time that night. “No. But why do you bother?”

  “I don’t know,” she said honestly. “Because I’m too polite to just ignore her and walk away?”

  “Whatever.” Noah’s interest had clearly been lost and there was no way Allie was going to make this make sense for him. “What now? Are there more animals made from solid fat or do you have some sort of topiary that’s sure to impress?”

  “How about the Haunted House,” she suggested. “That’s usually pretty cool. I mean, it’s cheesy and fake, but that’s part of the fun.”

  “Fine.”

  They walked to the ticket booth, where Noah—in his new grudging way—insisted on buying the tickets.

  Then they followed the sounds of howls and screams, past the sideshows and the insistent game runners, to what appeared to be an enormous wooden cutout in the shape of a house, painted with purples and blacks and whites of the eyes of frightened people and animals.

  It was really bad.

  Noah handed over the ten tickets it cost to walk through and turned to Allie. “You’re not scared, are you?”

  “I think I’ll be okay.”

  “Because if you want to turn back, it’s not too late.”

  She pushed him and they entered the façade, walking tentatively into the dark, trying to keep their footing.

  The Haunted House was more of a startling house when it came right down to it. There was nothing there that might linger in anyone’s dreams, but every time they took five steps forward in the weird darkness, which smelled faintly of pot, someone would jump out and scream.

  And so would Allie.

  It went on like this for what seemed like ages until they were within sight of the end. This time instead of jumping out, someone reached out and grabbed Allie, dragging her into the shadows. She caught Noah’s arm just in time to take him with her.

  “Scared?” There was laughter and slowly the face of Noah’s friend Alan Taylor came into focus. “Gotcha!”

  “Alan, you asshole.” Allie’s heart was still pounding. “You didn’t scare me, you startled me. There’s nothing all that impressive about being able to startle someone.”