Black Heart Blue

by Louisa Reid

  Her mouth twisted.

  ‘You’re black. Black creatures. No one wanted you, either of you, but you came anyway. I had to pay for you every day of my life.’

  Her answer told me nothing; she was mad, I thought, completely mad.

  ‘We were little girls. We weren’t bad or evil or wrong!’ I yelled at her. ‘You let Hephzi die!’

  She screamed then and came at me with fingers that had twisted into claws and were muscled with hate. Craig pulled her away, threw her to the floor and dragged me free from the room. As he did so the world of my past, our palace, our prison, diminished to a cold white space.

  ‘You’re sick!’ he shot at my mother as we left. ‘I’m warning you now, watch your back, I’m not done with you.’

  She spat at him and we hurried down the stairs, needing to escape, needing fresh air.

  ‘If that had been your dad, I’d have killed him.’

  ‘No. No, Craig. That wouldn’t achieve anything.’

  ‘How can you be so calm?’

  ‘Because that was my life. I’ve had a long time to get used to it. It’s all there’s ever been.’

  ‘Why didn’t anyone stop them? How could they just ruin your lives like that? I don’t get it.’

  His distress on my behalf was further proof that he was one of the good guys. Shyly I touched his sleeve, ‘It doesn’t matter now, Craig. Please, let it go. All right?’

  ‘I can’t.’

  I let him nurture his anger and thoughts of revenge. The only thing I cared about now was the loss of my sister. I’d been so sure that she would be there, so sure she’d explode in joy when she saw us together, come to rescue her at last. I was glad she was free but I still wanted to find her, some vestige at least, and to say a better goodbye. I had to tell her how sorry I was that I hadn’t saved her, I owed her that. I hadn’t been able to tell her so at her funeral, eight months ago, and I hadn’t had the guts to say it all the time she’d been with me, helping me and telling me to grab my life before The Father finished things first. Of course I couldn’t tell Craig what was going on, he’d have consigned me to the nuthouse along with my crazy mother, but I knew my apology to Hephzi was long overdue.

  Going back to Craig’s seemed the only plausible option now evening had fallen, but I asked him to wait for me a little longer. Next door at the care home it would be just after bedtime and I knew Danny was working a late shift. Michaela let me in, grinning and hugging and patting my cheeks, saying how good it was to see me, how nice, how happy. I asked for Danny and she pointed to the kitchen. He wheeled round when he heard me say his name.

  ‘Here you are, then! You turned up. Cheryl’s been worried sick.’

  ‘I’m so sorry. I just came to tell you I’m OK.’

  ‘All right, love. I’m glad to see you, but you had us going there. Cheryl was all for calling the police.’

  ‘She didn’t, did she?’

  ‘No. I calmed her down. I said you wouldn’t have gone far, not without money or a place to go. So, what have you been doing?’

  ‘I went back there.’ I jerked my head in the direction of the vicarage.

  ‘You what?’ His face paled. I knew working so close by was torture for him and that every day he had to restrain himself from going round there and giving the vicar a taste of his own medicine, that’s what Archie had told me anyway. Of course The Parents, instead of doing the decent thing and moving on, had stayed put, brazening out the rumours, telling people I was mad and that Danny was some sort of child molester who had me under his evil spell. Most disregarded the lies, Archie said, but I still felt bad for Danny and the mess I’d brought to his door.

  ‘It’s OK. I had some things to pick up. That’s all. He wasn’t there.’

  ‘Thank God for that. Bloody hell, Rebecca, you’re not one for a quiet life, are you? Now why don’t you wait in the lounge? I’ll be off in half an hour or so, I can give you a lift back.’

  ‘No, Danny. It’s OK. Thanks anyway.’

  ‘What d’you mean?’

  ‘I’m staying at a friend’s tonight and then tomorrow, well, who knows. I might go to see my aunt.’

  ‘Right.’ His happy, open features were clouded by a frown. ‘Are you sure you’ll be OK?’

  ‘Yes. Thank you for everything you did for me. You’ve been the best dad I could have had.’

  ‘Stop it!’ His cheeks flushed pink and he smiled sadly at me. ‘We’ll still be around for when you need us, I want you to come whenever you need something, anything, all right? Promise?’

  I promised and he wrapped me in one of his bear hugs, the best hugs in the world. Then he shoved twenty quid into my palm. I tried to thrust it back but he wouldn’t hear of it.

  ‘You’ll need a bit of ready cash, love, till you get yourself sorted, and that’s not much either. But let me know if you need more, I’ll help you out. Archie and the kids are going to miss you, you know.’

  His kindness was too much and I looked down, trying not to let the tears fall. I was strong now, he’d helped me to get strong and I wanted him to be proud. Before I left I nipped into Cyrilla’s room; she was half asleep already. I dropped a kiss on her soft, lined cheek and whispered goodbye. I think she smiled and almost raised a hand in farewell.

  Slowly I was ticking things off. Slowly I was getting myself ready. I did mean it, I was leaving. I was stepping out of the shadows and I was finding a life. The one that had been waiting for me all this time.

  The next morning Craig slept late but I was up with the sun. I knew where I was going now. The walk wasn’t too long and it wasn’t too hot yet. My scalp and arms and face were sore from yesterday’s sunshine but the throb and itch simply reminded me that I was still alive. Craig had given me some cream to rub in and that had soothed my skin as I’d slept. I felt almost good.

  Before I left forever there were still some things I needed to do. The village had grown too small for me, the memories too large, and I wanted something else now. I might find a doctor or go back to college and study something I was interested in. Craig’s plans had inspired my own; if he could go to uni then so could I. Craig didn’t look at me like I was a monster and nor had Archie; I’d been wondering if maybe one day I’d find someone who might love me in spite of my face. Life could begin all over again if you were lucky enough, and I had decided to be lucky. But before any of that future could happen I had to make one last effort to find Hephzi.

  A simple headstone marked Hephzibah’s grave and the grass had grown new and wild over the fresh soil. I read just her name and our birthday and then the day she’d died. There were no special words. I unclasped her silver chain from round my neck and crouched in the dewy grass. The wet fronds tickled my calves as I made a hole in the damp soil with my fingers; a light summer rain had fallen overnight and the air smelled as if someone had scrubbed it clean. With dirt under my nails, I held her necklace to my lips, kissed it and whispered a message before burying it as deep as it would go.

  ‘Hephz, are you there?’ I whispered into the earth. There was no response. I stretched myself out on the ground beside her, and called again.

  ‘Hephzibah, it’s Rebecca. I’m here to say goodbye. Please talk to me, don’t be angry that I’m leaving, will you?’

  Still she was quiet.

  ‘I’ve come to tell you I’m sorry. I know I should have saved you. If I’d been braver. If I’d called for the ambulance sooner. I’m sorry. I love you, Hephz.’

  The birds called and sang in the trees, and the wind pulled my hair gently. I waited a little longer, every cell alive with anticipation.

  Hephzi was there. Of course she was. She’d been there all the time. In the wind on my skin and the sun in my face, in the quick shot of stars I’d seen from my hospital bed, in the dark of my shadow and the stretch of my stride as I’d run from the vicarage, finally breaking free. As I lay in the sun beside her I felt the wings of her beauty
lift me and, as I felt them beat with hope, I knew I could go on. Hephzibah was elsewhere, but also in me.

  Craig was up when I got back to his house and he made us breakfast together again. He was quiet and I knew he was brooding over everything I’d told him. I was sorry he’d had to hear all those awful things about Hephzi’s life and I told him so.

  ‘It’s OK. I wanted to know.’ He looked up at me and I saw the fire in his eyes and realized he still wanted revenge. But I’d seen enough blood to last me forever and there was no way I was going to spill any more. He was right in a way though; there were still some things left undone.

  I thought of Auntie Melissa. She’d promised she’d help. I didn’t need her to save me now, but I did want her story. I asked Craig if I could use the phone and swallowed my pride and bitter dislike.

  She was startled to hear from me, that much was obvious, and for a second I wondered if her profession of interest had all been a sham.

  ‘Are you OK, Rebecca?’

  ‘Yes. Thank you.’

  ‘How can I help? Are you still living with your friends?’

  ‘No, I left.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘It’s OK, it’s just their place was small, I’d been there a few months.’

  ‘I see. So where are you now?’

  ‘At Hephzi’s boyfriend’s. I can’t stay long though.’

  Neither of us spoke for a while and I tried to imagine what she was doing. Was she pulling panicked faces at Uncle Simon, or screwing her forehead up in worry? Did she want me or not?

  ‘Shall I come and see you? See if I can help?’ she finally offered.

  ‘OK, if you like.’

  ‘All right. Give me the address. It won’t be until tomorrow though. Is that all right?’

  ‘Yes. I can stay another night here.’

  As I put the phone down I thought of Granny. I could have run straight to her, she’d have taken me in without a second thought. I could have cared for her in her old age, gone to college during the day or studied at home and sat with her in the evenings doing a crossword or watching the telly. It wasn’t fair.

  ‘So she’s coming, then?’ Craig asked and I nodded and left the room.

  Of course I couldn’t sleep that night. Nightmares no longer kept me awake but instead I fretted over Auntie Melissa. I knew what I wanted and that was answers. But I also needed a home and a life and she could give me neither.

  I watched TV all morning, still alive, still waiting.

  At ten o’clock the doorbell sounded. They were both there, Melissa and Simon. Craig wasn’t up and I opened the door with my jacket ready. The sun wasn’t so hot today, grey banks of cloud were assembling themselves in the distance, an army establishing its lines of defence. The air was heavy and damp; it smelled like rain.

  We walked down the driveway to the car. Simon drove, Melissa twisted in her seat to look at me. Her smile could break as easily as a heart.

  ‘You OK?’

  I nodded.

  ‘Where should we go?’

  ‘Away from here.’

  Simon nodded and drove steadily out of the village, in the opposite direction to the vicarage. Once we were in town he pulled over and we all got out. I had no idea where we were and I let them lead the way out of the car park and into a cafe. This wasn’t a good place, we should have stayed at Craig’s. Simon went up to the counter and ordered drinks and breakfast. Melissa and I sat facing one another.

  ‘Thanks for coming,’ I said in the end, because I knew she wanted to cry.

  ‘I’m sorry it took me so long.’

  I tried a small smile.

  ‘I’m here now though. We’re here. We’ll help any way we can.’

  ‘OK.’

  ‘What do you need?’

  ‘You have to tell me everything.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘On the phone, you said things. You said she never should have married him. What did you mean?’

  Melissa hadn’t been expecting that. She looked down, then over to Simon at the counter, then back at her hands and twisted her wedding ring.

  ‘Oh, it’s old news now, it’s not important.’

  ‘Just tell me,’ I insisted.

  ‘I don’t want to upset you, Rebecca.’

  ‘You won’t. I can take it, whatever it is.’ I understood that Melissa still had no idea of what my life had been. If she thought her words could ever cut me, she was wrong.

  ‘All right. If that’s what you want.’

  ‘It is.’

  So then came the story of Roderick Kinsman and Maria Detherby. My mother had been eighteen when she’d got involved with the church group. Melissa remembered Roderick coming round to the house and collecting her sister before the services, then walking her home afterwards. Even though he was good looking he was stiff, she said, stiff and unsmiling, always wearing a long heavy coat and a shirt and tie.

  ‘And those eyes –’ she shuddered – ‘when he looked at me the hair on the back of my neck used to stand up. I always thought there was something really creepy about those eyes.’

  I knew what she meant.

  Melissa told me that Roderick refused to come in for tea or hot chocolate and refused to come for Sunday lunch. It was obvious he disapproved of Granny and of Melissa too. Melissa wore make-up and liked the Stone Roses; Maria wore a crucifix and hid her sister’s CDs.

  ‘Why was she like that?’

  ‘I don’t know. It might have been because Dad died – our dad, your granddad. She’d been his favourite, he adored her. When he had his stroke it affected us all, but Maria, she took it really badly. She just became obsessed with religion and those meetings. I wouldn’t have minded if it hadn’t been so obvious they were being played for fools. She got money off Mum to give to this guy, their pastor. They had funny ideas, fasting for days at a time and all that laying-on-hands stuff. She reckoned she could speak in tongues. Can you imagine! She wouldn’t see her old friends or go to her old activities. We tried to get her to do other things but she just wasn’t interested.’

  ‘So what happened next, then?’

  ‘Well. Your mother’s always had a bit of an impetuous streak. Maybe like Hephzi.’

  She smiled but I did not smile back. The Mother and Hephzi were nothing alike. I stopped myself from asking what the hell she knew about my sister but Melissa realized her mistake.

  ‘Sorry, no, I don’t mean that, really. But she was strong-willed and stubborn. When Roderick proposed she said yes straight away; even though your gran told her to go to university first and find herself a good career she wouldn’t hear of it. Roderick was still studying too, only just in the third year of his course at university.’

  She leant towards me, as if she were telling me something important. ‘Your mother isn’t stupid, you know, Rebecca, she did well at school, she could have made a decent living without him.’

  ‘So you couldn’t stop her?’

  ‘No. But we went to the wedding, even though the night before she and your gran had an awful row. She warned her about Roderick, she’d sensed it somehow.’

  ‘He hated Granny.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘It’s his fault she died.’ I couldn’t stop myself from saying it, although I knew that Melissa wouldn’t understand.

  ‘What d’you mean? Mum fell down the stairs, you know; she had a heart attack and no one found her in time to help. She never would wear one of those emergency tags, the silly old thing.’

  ‘If it hadn’t been for him she’d have still been alive, I know it.’

  ‘Maybe. That doesn’t matter, it’s past now.’

  Melissa understood nothing. She was stupid and dull, I thought, and I regretted starting this conversation; it would be hours before I found out anything important at the rate she told a story. Sensing my frustration she started up again. Simon joined us wi
th the drinks. I sipped my tea and listened.

  ‘It was after they were married that she found out she was pregnant. She came running back to us, weeping and wailing. Of course they’d not slept together before the wedding – God forbid that Roderick’s wife might not be a virgin! But, like I said, Maria was a bit naughty. She did what she liked despite the religion, or maybe because of it, and she told us that Roderick was not the father, couldn’t possibly be because she was three months gone. She was so slim she was barely starting to show but she knew she’d have to tell him soon.’

  More secret babies, I thought, but this time it’s me and Hephz.

  If Melissa had expected her story to shock or to hurt, it did neither. I found myself merely curious.

  ‘Who was the father, then?’

  ‘Your father was Roderick and Maria’s pastor, the leader of the funny church group they’d got themselves involved with. Roderick hit the roof when he realized that Maria had been sleeping with him behind his back. He was still studying for his degree and they were living like paupers in his student digs. He wouldn’t take a penny from your gran, even when he found out Maria was expecting. Your gran was desperate to help, she worried all the time what would become of them. He was training to be in the Church, well, you know that, of course, and I’ve no idea why he was mixed up with that other funny bunch in the first place. I’ve nothing against the Church. Me and Simon were married in one, after all!’

  I looked at her. She’d said that as if I should remember. I shrugged.

  ‘We did invite you. You were only tiny tots, but I asked for you to be bridesmaids. I thought it would be sweet.’

  Hephzi would have loved that. I shook the picture of her in a pink satin dress holding a posy of flowers out of my mind.

  ‘Why didn’t he abandon her? Abandon us? It would have been better for everyone.’ I was frustrated at the thought of another life, surely one less thwarted for Roderick 0Kinsman’s absence. I thrust the idea of it away. Get real, I told myself.

  ‘You’re probably right but that’s not Roderick, is it? He likes to play the burning martyr, and the pastor came on heavy, I think, he talked about scandal and what a disgrace it would be for all involved. I think he intimated that he could ruin Roderick’s chances in the Church full stop. On top of that this bloke, your real dad, was already married and it would have destroyed his career. Roderick understood that. He was terribly angry but your mother thought he’d get over it as time went on.’