by Ted Dykstra
RICHARD slowly crosses to his piano, unhappy with how that all went.
PRACTISE II / DIVERSIONS
TED begins to angrily practise the Mephisto Waltz by Franz Liszt. He stops.
TED
Oh yeah. Me and whose army?
RICHARD begins to practise the Chopin’s Ballade No. 2 in F Major. He stops playing and looks to the heavens.
RICHARD
Thanks a lot, Mr. Chopin!
TED
(continues with the Mephisto Waltz) Help me, Rhonda.
RICHARD
(continues with Chopin Ballade) Aaarrgh!!
He stops playing and picks up the music.
How are you supposed to make your fingers do that?!
TED continues with the Mephisto Waltz—then hurts his hand and begins banging the piano. He stops on a chord… repeats it five more times, and breaks into a pop song based on that chord.
RICHARD continues with his practising.
Come on!
He plays some more then stops and looks at his hand.
Come on!
He continues and suddenly recognizes a melody… RICHARD plays a song based on that melody.
TED and RICHARD play through a selection of several pop tunes.
Finally, TED is playing a ’50s rock-and-roll solo, including the trademark kicking back the bench and playing while standing. RICHARD crosses over to TED and puts his hand on the piano…
At the Great Canadian Theatre Company, Ottawa, during the first Canadian tour, 1996.
Photo by Beatrice Campbell.
CONSERVATORY / HITTING THE WALL
…TED falls to the ground in shock.
RICHARD
What are you doing?
TED
I was just practising. While I was waiting for you. And I started to fool around a little bit.
RICHARD
For your information, that kind of fooling around is not allowed anywhere in this conservatory. What we do here is practise, perfect, and perform music. Serious music.
TED
I know that, sir. I was aware of the rules and I don’t have an excuse. I’m terribly embarrassed at the moment and I can only promise you that it will not happen again.
RICHARD
(beat) Very well. This is the second half of your audition into the conservatory, yesterday’s recital being the first. Today what we’ll do is we’ll chat for a bit. I’ll test your ear and your rhythm, and then I’ll give you some feedback from your recital yesterday, okay?
TED
Cool.
RICHARD
(rolling his eyes) Let’s start with why you want to become a classi—do you want to become a classical musician?
TED
Yes, sir, of course I do.
RICHARD
Why?
TED
Well, I think it’s what I do best. A lot of people have encouraged me in this direction; I think it’s what I want to do with my life.
RICHARD
You think?
TED
No, I mean I know. I see what you’re trying to do here, sir.
RICHARD
What am I trying to do here?
TED
Trying to test my confidence level.
RICHARD
I don’t think you have a problem in that area. And what kind of music do you like best?
TED
Composers?
RICHARD
Okay.
TED
Well I’d have to say that the top three for me without a doubt are Bach, Beethoven, and Mozart.
RICHARD
And why are they your “top three”?
TED
There’s a lot of reasons. I think each one of those three guys changed totally what came before, they didn’t follow anyone else, they broke new ground, they inspire me personally.
RICHARD
They inspire me as well.
TED
Cool. (Another eye roll from RICHARD.)
RICHARD
And where do you see yourself in say, ten years, as a classical pianist?
TED
Well hopefully I’ll be touring. Soloist. Soloist.
RICHARD
And if I were to say to you that you’re not good enough to be a soloist? That the best you could hope for is to be an accompanist, or a teacher? Would that change your mind about wanting to come here?
TED
(beat) No, sir. I see what you’re trying to do here; but I’m not afraid, I know I can do it.
RICHARD
Very well. Let’s move on to some ear testing, shall we?
TED
Cool.
RICHARD
I’ll play some intervals and you tell me what they are, please. Turn around, Mr. Dykstra—you can see the hammers from there.
TED reacts with disbelief and turns away. RICHARD proceeds to play a series of intervals—TED gets them right.
TED
(RICHARD plays.) Diminished fifth. (RICHARD plays.) Minor sixth. (RICHARD plays.) Major seventh. (RICHARD plays.) Minor ninth.
RICHARD
Yes. What’s this chord? (RICHARD plays.)
TED
Augmented triad. (RICHARD plays.) Diminished.
RICHARD
Diminished what?
TED
Diminished seventh. (RICHARD plays a major seven.) That’s a major seventh chord. (RICHARD then plays a minor major seventh.)
TED
That’s… a good one. Could you play that again, please? (RICHARD repeats the chord.) Oh! Thingy! It’s a minor chord with a major seventh on top.
RICHARD
We call that a minor major seventh chord. I’m going to clap four and I want you to clap three against it.
TED
Four against three? I can do that one myself. It’s just a little thing that I do! (He demonstrates.) Four with the left hand… three with the right hand.
RICHARD
Very impressive.
TED
Thank you, sir.
RICHARD
I’d like you to play the A flat Schubert Impromptu that you played at yesterday’s recital. Can you take it from the middle of the recapitulation where the left hand has the melody? Do you know where I’m talking about?
TED
No problemo.
RICHARD
(closing his eyes in pain) Whenever you’re ready, Mr. Dykstra.
TED plays. When he finishes, he waits for RICHARD to speak.
You’re very talented.
TED
Thank you, sir.
RICHARD
Unfortunately, it’s wasted. Play it again from the beginning for me, please. I’d like you to take it significantly slower and no sustaining pedal.
TED
Is that how you think it should go, sir?
RICHARD
That’s how I’ve asked you to play it.
TED
No pedal? (TED begins to play.)
RICHARD
Mr. Dykstra. Significantly slower. (TED tries to play it slowly. He can’t.)
TED
Sorry. I just have to do this for one second.
He plays it at speed then tries once again to slow it down.
RICHARD
Make it even, please. (TED continues.) Mr. Dykstra. Pianissimo as written. (TED puts his foot on the soft pedal.) Without the aid of the una corda pedal.
TED continues unsuccessfully. Finally RICHARD intervenes.
You see? (TED nods.) You’re cheating the phrase. You’re faking it because you don’t have the discipline, the commitment, or the desire to perfect it. I’v
e read your records; you’ve managed to impress a lot of adjudicators at the provincial finals but frankly, Mr. Dykstra, you don’t impress me. I find you to be a lazy, arrogant teenager who practises—what?—an hour and a half, two hours a day? There are hundreds of talented young people out there. I have thirteen-year-old students who could play circles around you. They have no more talent—there’s only one difference between them and you. They work. (beat) How dare you. How dare you waste your talent! Maybe, maybe—if you practise for five hours a day for two years—maybe you will qualify to enter into this program. But frankly, Mr. Dykstra, I don’t believe you have it in you. Here. Here’s a quarter. Go and call your piano teacher, tell him that you will never ever be a classical pianist. Or you can use it to phone the conservatory to withdraw your application. (beat) Good day, Mr. Dykstra.
RICHARD returns to his piano and sits. TED is left alone, devastated. At length, he stands.
JAZZ FACULTY
TED
Good morning. Mr. Greenblatt?
RICHARD
Hi.
TED
Can I call you Rich?
RICHARD
Sure.
TED
Hey, Rich. Paul Thelon.
RICHARD
Mr. Thelon.
TED
Call me Paul. Welcome to the jazz faculty—the Jazz “Factory” as the kids like to call it. This is nothing to worry about, just a little “get to know ya,” talk about your background, try out your rhythm, test your ears, that kind of thing. We like to weed before we garden. So I understand you’ve got a classical background. That’s kinda weird, you want to tell me something about it?
RICHARD
Sure. I’ve been studying classically for about ten years but, I don’t know, recently I feel like I’ve hit a dead end. I’ve been thinking of giving up my classical training.
TED
Okay. Good idea.
RICHARD
In the last few years I’ve been in some rock groups. Um… progressive rock, celtic rock, klezmer rock, that kind of thing. I’ve been accompanying a lot of dance classes.
TED
Gross.
RICHARD
Really! And I’ve been writing a fair amount of my own stuff.
TED
Now we’re talking. Some jazz?
RICHARD
Well, I guess not what you’d call traditional jazz or, I don’t know, fusion. I’ve been doing a lot of blues.
TED
Blues?
RICHARD
The granddaddy of them all! I’ve been doing quite a study on the blues, actually. I’ve been reading a lot of books.
TED
Books on the blues?
RICHARD
Yeah. Do you know Blues Fell This Morning by Paul Oliver?
TED
No, I can’t say that I do, Rich.
RICHARD
Wow. It is a great book. You’ve gotta read it, Paul.
TED
Okey doke. What’s your favourite kind of music?
RICHARD
I really like all kinds.
TED
Jazz. Favourite kind of jazz?
RICHARD
I really like all kinds. (He laughs. The joke falls flat.) Uh, Oscar Peterson, of course. Art Tatum—wow! Chick, and Herbie…
TED
Why do you want become a jazz musician, Rich?
RICHARD
Well I feel like I’ve got jazz in my soul. If you can say that we white guys have soul.
TED
In music, being “white” is not just about skin colour.
RICHARD
Far out, right on, cool, I hear ya.
TED
Okay. I think I’ve learned a little bit about you. Let’s give the ears a shake, shall we? You want to stand over there.
TED plays a series of intervals.
RICHARD
Augmented fourth. (TED plays.) Augmented fifth. (TED plays.) Minor ninth. (TED plays.) Major seventh. (TED plays a chord this time.) Augmented triad. (TED plays a diminished seventh.) Diminished.
TED
Diminished what?
RICHARD
Diminished seven.
TED plays a minor major seven, RICHARD gets it right. Then TED plays a “complicated” jazz chord.
RICHARD
Sorry. Could you play that one again?
He plays it again. RICHARD starts to hum and guess…
TED
We won’t worry about that one. Let me hear you play five against four—five with your right hand, four with your left hand.
RICHARD
Five on four?
TED
Uh hunh.
RICHARD attempts to bang out five on four. He stops and looks at TED. Beat.
I was kinda hoping for a tune there. Can you play me something, Rich?
RICHARD
Sure, what?
TED
Well, call me nutty, but how about some jazz? Do you know any standards?
RICHARD
“My Funny Valentine”?
TED
Sure, I’d love to hear your crack at “Valentine.” Just one time through if you don’t mind.
RICHARD plays his version of “My Funny Valentine.”
I don’t know how to tell you this without hurting your feelings, so I’m just going to have to hurt your feelings. I don’t know where you classical guys get off thinking you can come in here and play a kind of music that is completely outside, above, and beyond your grasp. Just because your mom made you practise some stuff for ten years does not mean that you can waltz into an institution like this and play jazz, Rich. Jazz, I’m talking. Because you can’t. I got thirteen-year-old kids from the projects who’ve never had a lesson, can’t read a note, they could wipe your white middle-class ass right off the keyboard. You want some good advice? Run, don’t walk, back to classical music. That’s where you belong. I’ve read your records. You’ve done really well in the thingy—the festival—and got high marks on your exams and that’s great, but it means diddly-squat here. Diddly. You really want to play pop music, do what everyone else does; go out, buy one of those big fat books, The Hundred Greatest Tunes of the Millennium or whatever, and when your friends are drunk at a party you can play them something from Cats. That’s about it for a guy like you. I know this is brutal, but I want you to understand, Rich, I’m actually doing you a favour here, okay? And I am sorry, son. (beat) You wanna tell the next kid it’s okay to come in on your way out, I’d appreciate it.
TED walks away. RICHARD stands, lost in dismay, and finally exits.
WHAT NOW? / MARSHA
We hear a ticking clock. TED sits and plays/sings…
TED
She’s late for her lesson. Maybe she’s dead. I hope so.
RICHARD
Oh Teddy! (RICHARD enters.) Oh, Teddy, I am so sorry. I am so late.
TED
That’s all right.
RICHARD
The lesson’s almost over, isn’t it?
TED
Oh there’s still time left, but we’ve got to stop right on time though, Mrs. Billingsley, there’s someone coming right after you. They run a tight ship here at abc.
RICHARD
Oh Teddy, I’ve had such a dreadful day.
TED
Oh boy.
RICHARD
I had to drive the children all over hell’s half acre and I am feeling a little emotionally raw today.
TED
I’m very sorry about that, Mrs. Billingsley.
RICHARD
Oh please, Teddy, call me Marsha.
TED
What are we looking at this week?
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RICHARD
(pointing to his music book) “In My Little Birch Canoe.”
TED
Did you finish “Finger Fun”?
RICHARD
Yes, you see, you actually gave me a gold star last week.
TED
I think you put that there.
RICHARD
Oh Teddy. (She starts to play.)
TED
Whoa. Everybody out of the canoe. Mrs. B, what do I say every week? You have got to start remembering or I’m going to—I’m going to…
RICHARD
What, Teddy?
TED
I’m going to lose the will to live.
RICHARD
Oh Teddy, you’re only seventeen.
TED
I do but jest. But seriously, there are three things that I say every week.
RICHARD
(suddenly remembering) Curve my fingers!
TED
That’s one.
RICHARD
And lower my wrists! At the same time!
TED
That’s two.
RICHARD
And count out loud while I play!! Oh, silly Marsha! (RICHARD begins to play.) One bit, two bit, three bit. (RICHARD stops playing.) Oh Teddy, Teddy, do you remember when I was telling you about my friend Peggy? Yes, you remember! She’s the one who’s been my best friend ever since high school when we were on the cheerleading squad together. Well, Peggy has been very depressed lately; I think she’s going through the change…
Lights down. TED changes position. The clock ticks. Lights up.
…And so I said to the clerk in that store, “There is no way I am going to pay $69.99 for that blouse!” It was kind of like the one I wore about three weeks ago, Teddy, do you remember, it had a floral pattern…
Lights down. TED changes position. The clock ticks. Lights up.
…And then, when I was seventeen, just about your age, Teddy, I used to spend hours looking at my father’s fossil collection. I always thought that one day I would be a paleontologist. Isn’t it funny the way life turns out?
Lights down. TED changes position. The clock ticks. Lights up.
My husband’s having an affair. (She cries uncontrollably.)
TED
(long beat) That’s about all the time we have, Mrs. Billingsley. I’m sorry, there’s someone coming right after you.