by Ted Dykstra
TED
One of us always does.
RICHARD
(with horror) Except for last year.
TED
(with the same horror) Oh yeah… that little eight-year-old Chinese girl.
BOTH
Thank God she moved away.
TED
Well, good luck to you.
RICHARD
(They shake hands.) Yeah, you too.
TED
And I really mean that.
RICHARD
You know… I don’t care if I don’t win—
BOTH
—as long as I do my best.
TED
And as long as you don’t do your best. (TED laughs.) That’s a good one. (TED laughs.) Well. Happy practising.
RICHARD
Contradiction in terms. (They both laugh.)
BOTH
That’s a good one.
They both sniff and turn away biting their nails.
They look back at one another and then quickly run to their pianos to get the Bach D Minor out of their benches. They are now in their own separate worlds.
TED
I can’t believe he’s in that class.
RICHARD
Oh my God, I better get to work.
TED
The only reason I signed up for the Bach D Minor was because I didn’t think he would be in it.
RICHARD begins to practise as TED flips through the music.
It’s sixty-seven pages long!! (TED plays.)
RICHARD
Oh yeah! Like someone could actually play this?! (RICHARD plays.)
TED
Houston, we have a problem. (TED plays.)
RICHARD
(looking to the heavens) Thanks a lot, Mr. Bach!
BOTH
HELP!!
And they play a final crashing chord together—blackout.
Interval.
ACT II
LESSONS II
In the dark we hear TED playing Chopin’s Prelude in D Flat Major.
The lights come up slowly. After about two minutes RICHARD enters and begins his instruction…
RICHARD
Much better, Teddy. But… she’s still dreaming… And here she takes a deep breath… (He does.) And now she’s going to wake up! (He does.) And she checks on her baby. Shhh, we don’t want to wake the baby, do we?
TED
(under his breath) Nooo…
RICHARD
But the baby is fine. And so… she falls back… to sleep. (The piece ends.) Oh. Now isn’t that so much better, Teddy?
TED stands, looks at RICHARD, is about to say something but can’t, and exits.
RICHARD sits to his piano and plays “Leyenda” by Albéniz.
After about a minute he begins to hunch over the keyboard—TED enters and stands behind RICHARD. He takes ten or twelve hairs from the crown of RICHARD’s head between his thumb and forefinger, pulling RICHARD up like a marionette into a more proper position. TED lets go and RICHARD hunches over again, playing all the while. TED straightens him again. RICHARD finishes a passage.
TED
Don’t sit in it. Go right through.
RICHARD continues. He begins to moan—TED puts his hand over RICHARD’s mouth.
RICHARD lowers himself to the keyboard once again. TED crosses to his piano.
Sit up, Richard! You’re not Glenn Gould!!
RICHARD plays the final chord of the piece and TED sits down at his piano.
TED plays the end of Chopin’s Rondo for Two Pianos, Four Hands. RICHARD crosses over to TED. RICHARD speaks with a French accent.
RICHARD
Mais Théodore! Qu’est-ce que tu fais?
TED
What do you mean?
RICHARD
Why do you play these arpeggios avec une main… with one hand?
TED
Well, that’s how it’s written, M. Franck.
RICHARD
And where does it say that?
TED
Well… it doesn’t exactly say that, but it doesn’t say not to play it with one hand.
RICHARD
écoutes, Théodore! There is only one thing that matters when you play the piano… the sound. When you play the arpeggios with one hand, you cannot play them beautifully, all you can do is show you can play them with one hand.
TED
My old teacher told me expressly to play arpeggios with one hand.
RICHARD
And who is this?
TED
Mr. Scarlatti.
RICHARD
L’italien?
TED
Yeah.
RICHARD
Oh cochon!! écoutes, Théodore, do not listen to this macho macho man. The piano is like a woman. (TED grins.) You like the women, non? Ah oui, Théodore, I can see you do.
TED
M. Franck…
RICHARD
And when you make love to a woman… do you use only one hand?
TED
I don’t know.
RICHARD
Theodore, you do not. You make love to her with every part of your body.
TED
Okay.
RICHARD
You make love to her with your eyes, you make love to her with your lips, you make love to her with your fingertips—of both hands. You caress her. (He plays the arpeggio.) You stroke her, (He plays the arpeggio.) and you will make the most beautiful music together. Play, Theodore. Play the arpeggios with both hands.
TED plays the arpeggios with both hands.
TED
OOHHHHH YEAH!
RICHARD sits at his piano and plays Schumann’s Fantasiestücke No. 2. TED marches over and begins barking instructions. TED speaks with a German accent.
Tempo! Tempo! (He claps.) Where is the melody? Those are sixteenth notes, ja??!
RICHARD
Yeah!
TED
Separate them! Lift und separate! Lift me up! Sing!
A bewildered RICHARD starts singing loudly as he plays.
Not you sing, the music sing!! I want you to make me feel like I’ve never been loved—
RICHARD stops playing and looks at him.
Never mind!
TED sits at RICHARD’s piano and plays a portion of Beethoven’s Pathétique Sonata.
RICHARD picks up TED’s right hand and shakes it. TED continues playing. RICHARD picks up TED’s left hand, shakes it, slaps it to loosen it, and pats TED on the back. TED continues nervously waiting for the next time. RICHARD reaches for TED’s right hand and TED leaps up…
TED
DON’T TOUCH ME!!!
RICHARD sits at his piano and plays the same passage from the Chopin Rondo except with two hands. TED picks up his pile of music books and walks slowly to downstage centre, drops the books, and lies down. RICHARD finishes. TED speaks with an Italian accent.
TED
Ricky, Ricky… what you do, enhh?
RICHARD
What do you mean, Mr. Scarlatti?
TED
Why do play those arpeggios with-a two hand?
RICHARD
I don’t know, I just thought it’d be easier. That’s okay, isn’t it?
TED
No, it’s not okay. Where does it say in-a da music, “Hey, use-a two hand here, it’s-a easier?!” Enhh? Where does it say that?
RICHARD
Well, it doesn’t actually say that, but it doesn’t say not to play them with two hands either.
TED
Ricardo, Ricardo. You gonna go to the music camp this summer, eh?
RICHARD
TED
You gonna be one of two hundred young people from around the world?
RICHARD
Yeah.
TED
You know… (getting up) You know who’s gonna be there?
RICHARD
Yeah. Some of the best kids and teachers from around the world. From China, Russia, all over Canada—
TED
Sure, sure. Never mind. There’s gonna be chicks! You like-a the chicks?
RICHARD
Well, I don’t get out much.
TED
But you like-a the chicks?!
RICHARD
Oh yeah!
TED
That’s a good boy. And the chicks, you think they like-a the guy with the crossover fou-fou Liberace hands—enh? With the diamond ring and the poodle and the tv show, enh? No! They like-a the man. They like-a the real man! They like-a the man who play the arpeggio with-a one hand. Say, “Hey, I’m no sissy boy.” (He plays the arpeggio with one hand.) I’m a man. I’m a real man!
RICHARD
Wow!
TED
You wanna have a good time this summer?
RICHARD
Oh yeah.
TED
You want to get-a the chicks?
RICHARD
Oh yeah!
TED
Then you listen to Mr. Scarlatti. (He whistles.) Play the arpeggio always with-a one hand.
TED crosses to his piano. RICHARD plays an arpeggio, tries to be debonair.
RICHARD
Hi there! My name’s Richard—what’s yours? (plays) I’m from Montreal—where are you from? (plays) Did you notice that I play my arpeggios (like Mr. S.) with-a one hand?!
TED and RICHARD play the end of the Chopin together.
On stage at the Panasonic Theatre, Toronto, during Ted and Richard’s farewell tour, 2011.
Photo by Rick O’Brien.
DAD / SON II
TED plays the second movement of Beethoven’s Pathétique Sonata as RICHARD listens. RICHARD flicks a switch. Light floods into the room.
RICHARD
Ted.
TED
Dad.
RICHARD
You’re playing very beautifully these days, son.
TED
Thanks.
RICHARD
You know, when that adjudicator said that you were the reincarnation of Chopin, it made me very proud.
TED
Thanks, Dad, that means a lot to me.
RICHARD
Ted, I was wondering if I could have a word with you.
TED
Can this wait?
RICHARD
No, I’m sorry, it can’t wait.
RICHARD takes TED’s music off the stand.
TED
What are you doing? Don’t!
RICHARD
Ted, I’m a little concerned about you.
TED
Concerned what?!
RICHARD
Well, you’re spending all your time cooped up in here practising the piano. You don’t have much of a social life, you have very few friends…
TED
What are you talking about?! That’s not even true. What about Jonathan, my duet partner? Or the Monday night ear-training parties at Mr. Geizeking’s?
RICHARD
Yeah, Ted. I’m talking about non-music-related friends. Do you have any non-music-related friends?
TED
Why?
RICHARD
Because there is a world beyond the piano. What about sports, huh? You used to love playing hockey and baseball…
TED
Dad, I hurt my fingers. I couldn’t practise for two weeks! I almost missed the festival!
RICHARD
Well, there must be one sport that won’t hurt your little fingers?!
TED
Well, I don’t like Ping-Pong, what do you want me to do?
RICHARD
Ted, you gotta get outside more. When was the last time you were outside in the sun?
TED
This morning when I went to my lesson.
RICHARD
I’m talking about a non-music-related activity; when was the last time you even took part in a non-music-related activity?
TED
Why?
RICHARD
Because you’re becoming obsessive. I don’t think it’s healthy—
RICHARD plays “Chopsticks”—TED interrupts by placing his hands on the strings.
TED
Dad! Get to the point, okay. I’m busy here.
RICHARD
All right. The point is your grades are slipping.
TED
That’s the point of this?! We’re going to do this now?!
RICHARD
You bet your little cotton socks we are.
TED
I’m in the middle of—
RICHARD
Ted, you used to be an honours student, now you’re barely passing.
TED
Sixty-five is not “barely passing,” for starters!
RICHARD
It is in my books. Now the only reason you’re not still getting eighties is because you’re spending all your time at the piano.
TED
That’s what it takes at this stage of the game, Dad.
RICHARD
Well let me remind you what it takes to get into a good university at this stage of the game…
TED
I don’t need to be reminded…
Then simultaneously…
TED
…what it takes to get into a good university, Dad! Please help me Lord! Excuse me…
RICHARD
Ted, it takes two to three hours a day of homework… it takes serious studying at exam time and, Ted, those aptitude tests—
TED
Excuse me! (beat) I’m not going to go to university.
RICHARD
(laughs) Ted, what are you talking about?
TED
I don’t need high marks in high school, Dad.
RICHARD
Says who?
TED
Says Mr. Geizeking, for one.
RICHARD
Mr. Geizeking said that?
TED
Mr. Geizeking said that.
RICHARD
What else did Mr. Geizeking say?
TED
He said even high school is basically non-essential.
RICHARD
Oh, he did, did he?
TED
I’m going to be a professional musician, not a brain surgeon.
RICHARD
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a second here. When was this decision made?
TED
A long time ago.
RICHARD
Well you can’t make a decision like that just like that.
TED
I can so.
RICHARD
You cannot.
TED
I can so!
RICHARD
You cannot!
TED
It’s my life!
RICHARD
Not yet it isn’t!
TED
Mr. Geizeking said Juilliard will accept anyone if they’re good enough regardless of their academic background.
RICHARD
Well Mr. Geizeking is not your father, I am.
TED
Don’t I know it.
RICHARD
(beat) All right. All right, you want to try
to become a professional musician—
TED
You see, Dad, right there! I don’t want to try to become anything, I’m going to be a professional musician. That’s what I’m going to do.
RICHARD
Fine. Then you’re going to do it properly. You’ll get into a top-notch university—
TED
I highly doubt it.
RICHARD
—and then you’ll get a degree so that you’ll have something to fall back on.
TED
I don’t want anything to fall back on.
RICHARD
Ted. The music business is highly competitive. I mean, what happens if you’re not good enough to make it? What are you going to do—work in a piano bar? (He laughs.)
TED
I don’t know. What would you like me to do, Dad? You want me to base my whole life’s plan on the fact that you think I’m going to fail at the one thing that I really love and that I’m really good at? Is that what you want me to do? (beat) Then I’d end up just like you.
RICHARD
I’m a failure?
TED
I didn’t mean it like that—
RICHARD
I just started with nothing—
TED
I know you did, Dad—
Then simultaneously…
TED
—it’s just that you’re always saying that you never got to do what you wanted to do and you had to give everything up so that you could give us all the things you never had, and that’s not something that I’m interested— You don’t listen to what I say anyway!
RICHARD
—and I built up a business to the point where I’ve been able to provide for my family all these years, that’s all. To pay for the best and the most expensive piano teacher in this city—Mr. Geizeking.
RICHARD
To buy you a goddamned grand piano!
TED
Well you’re my father, that’s your job!
RICHARD
(beat) You live in my house.
TED
Oh God.
RICHARD
You eat the food I buy. You live the privileged life that I’ve—
TED
Privileged?! Oh this is the privileged life, is it?
RICHARD
(pause) Yes. Yes it is. You spoiled brat. (beat) Now, you are going to get an eighty percent average, you’re going to go to a good university that is…
TED
(as RICHARD continues over top) I don’t have to go to university if I don’t want to—
RICHARD
…mutually agreed upon by the both of us, or else there will be no more music in this house. Do you understand me, TED? No lessons. No Mr. Geizeking and his Monday night ear-training parties. No piano at all. I’ll sell the goddamned thing. (TED starts to speak but RICHARD cuts him off) That’s it! End of discussion! Case closed.