Variables of Love

by M. K. Schiller

  “It’s definitely impressive, but we do have one of the best schools in the world not too far away. My parents wanted me to go there, but I decided it wasn’t for me.”

  “I’m sure it’s a great school in your country, but I doubt it has the international presence of Stanford.”

  “Oh, I think it does. It boasts some of the most prestigious alumni in the world. The Crimson is very highly rated.”

  “If it’s so great, how come I’ve never heard of it?” Darren challenged.

  I almost smacked my hand against my head when it all clicked into place. My laugh was so rowdy that people at other tables stopped their conversations to look our way. Raj laughed too.

  “What’s so funny, Callahan?” Darren grumbled.

  “She’s from Massachusetts, dumbass,” I said, relishing the puzzled expression on Darren’s face. “The Crimson is Harvard. The people’s accent is that funny way Bostonians have of ignoring their Rs. She lives by Cape Cod…right, Meena?”

  She nodded. “Yes. I’m sorry, Darren. I wasn’t making fun of you. I just couldn’t resist.”

  “You know I was asking where you were originally from, right?” Darren asked, a little too demanding. Unlike me, he couldn’t stand to be the butt of jokes.

  She didn’t shrink back or seemed fazed. “The answer to that question is still Mashpee, Massachusetts. I was born there.”

  “That’s not what I meant.”

  She straightened up, narrowing those beautiful brown eyes at him. “Why don’t you ask the right question, then? You want to know my ethnicity.” The straightforward way she put Darren in his place made her lovability quotient grow.

  “Yes, I guess. If you want to answer this time.”

  “Of course. I’m not ashamed, and I never hide it, but your presumptions were far too interesting for me to reply in such an ordinary way. My family originates from Mumbai, India, and I am Hindu. There…now you know all the important things about me.”

  “I doubt those are the most important things about you, Meena,” I said.

  The smile slipped off her face when she met my eyes. “They are all the things Darren wanted to know.”

  “They’re checkboxes on a census or standardized test,” I replied, locking my eyes on hers with tractor-beam preciseness. She didn’t look away. “They don’t even scratch the surface of what I want to know.” It felt like we were alone in this crowded cafeteria, while everything and everyone disintegrated around us. I could stare at her mysterious, beautiful face for forever and a day if she’d let me.

  “What is it you would like to know, Ethan?” she asked in a half-whisper.

  I smiled, hoping to reassure her. Why sugarcoat it? “Everything.”

  She broke our contact, looking down. Raj shifted his chair closer to her. Darren’s flirting didn’t rattle her, but mine made her uneasy. Maybe because it wasn’t meant to be playful.

  “I’m from Ahmedabad,” Raj interjected in an attempt to change the subject and get me to back off.

  “So, you’re Hindu…You worship cows?” This time I did kick Darren under the table.

  She actually smiled again, looking relieved by the interruption. “Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. They are a revered source of food and a symbol of life for us. Are you Christian?”

  “Catholic,” Darren replied. It was obvious he wanted to get a rise out of her. Darren had a tendency to succumb to misguided anger when he felt ridiculed.

  “So, you worship a virgin?”

  Darren laughed sarcastically. “Obviously you don’t understand my religion.”

  Meena’s voice was soft but full of conviction. “You pray to Mary. Praying is a form of worshipping—therefore, you worship a virgin. I was making a statement, not passing judgment.”

  “I wouldn’t quite put it like that. I mean, it’s kind of funny coming from you. Don’t you guys believe in a hundred deities or something?”

  I wondered how the conversation became so heated so fast. It was a runaway train, and all I wanted to do was jump on the tracks. “Darren…that’s enough. You’re acting like a total douche bag,” I cautioned.

  “I don’t mind,” Meena said, holding her hand out to dismiss me. “It’s hard to answer that since there are many schools of thought, but yes, I suppose we do. Do you believe a man lived inside a fish for three days?”

  “Actually it was a whale, just so you know.”

  “The New Testament says it was a whale, but the Old Testament referred to Jonah being in the belly of a great fish.”

  “You’ve read the Bible?” I asked her.

  “Yes. I try to read everything that confuses me.”

  “Apparently it didn’t clear anything up for you,” Darren said through clenched teeth.

  “I doubt the Bhagavad Gita would clear anything up for you either. My point is not to diminish your beliefs or state that mine are any better.”

  “What is your point?” Darren demanded.

  “It’s simple, really. All religion is grounded in forms of incredulous implausibility. That’s why faith is a prerequisite for any moral belief system, isn’t it?”

  “It doesn’t matter, does it?” I added. “Morality is not confined to religious people, and although it serves as a guiding light for many, it’s not the only path. After all, I’m an atheist, and I know I’m a moral person.” It was something I seldom talked about, but I wanted her to know that about me.

  “Me too,” Raj revealed, shocking me for the second time.

  Meena smiled at me. I was glad we were in a comfortable place again. “I agree morality is not limited to the faithful. If that were the case, we could blindly trust every priest, monk, or guru out there.”

  “I don’t know whether to be impressed or offended,” Darren replied.

  “You’re allowed to be either or both. As I said when you joined us, it’s a free country.” She looked down at her watch. I noticed it before, but it still surprised me she had one. Not many people wore watches anymore. It was something we had in common—a small connection, but a connection nonetheless. “We need to get to class. Come on, Raj.”

  Raj stood up, causing his book to fall next to my feet. I reached down to pick it up, pausing to scan the title before handing it back to him. He stuffed it into his backpack quickly. The small exchange gave me a great deal of information. I relaxed with the realization we were no longer mortal enemies.

  “It was nice seeing you again, Meena. You forgive Darren, right?” I asked, smiling like an idiot.

  She stood up and walked over to Darren’s side of the table, bending down so they were face to face. “Of course. As long as he forgives me. I didn’t offend you, right?”

  He leaned toward her, and my fist clenched, preparing to punch him if he dared kiss her. “Nah, you’re too cute to find offensive.”

  I exhaled loudly, and they both turned toward me.

  “I’ll see you in class, Ethan.”

  I watched them walk away. Actually, I watched Meena. She leaned into Raj, and he put his arm around her. My eyes narrowed as I zeroed in on that arm.

  “That was…interesting,” Darren said.

  “Did you have to be such a shithead?”

  “Whatever. She liked me. It doesn’t matter anyway. As cute as she is, she’s not interested in you. Plus, he’s definitely her boyfriend. And she’s got him whipped. You got off lucky.”

  “Yeah, I’m the luckiest guy in the world.”

  Chapter 3

  I MADE MY WAY TO CLASS with an anxiety I’d never felt before. I knew I would see him, and even worse, he would see the back of my head. I’d actually checked myself using the two-mirror method to make sure I was presentable. I got the impression he watched me. It sort of excited me, which was a little twisted.

  Other boys had flirted with me, but there was something about the way Ethan did it—and my reaction to it—that was dangerous. He had a quiet intensity that amplified his classical good looks. His wavy, sandy brown hair and those ocean-colored eyes c
aused my usual rigid composure to crumble into a quivering mess of nerves. His crooked smile altered the steady beats of my heart and heated my skin. I had to gulp down a bottle of water after our cafeteria encounter. Part of me liked these new sensations, but most of me worried about it.

  I was on a path, and everything was laid out for me in a neat and orderly fashion. I would graduate at the end of this school year, hopefully summa cum laude, and then start my interviews. Unlike Rachael, I didn’t go to parties or even socialize. I was responsible…and boring too. All of my choices served a purpose, though. I didn’t have time for distractions, and Ethan was the epitome of distraction.

  For those reasons, I reacted icily when he sat next to me in class. He flashed that boyish grin my way, running his long fingers through his hair, making me wish for temporary blindness.

  “Hello, Sunshine,” he said, taking out his materials.

  “You’re sitting here?” I asked, more pointedly than I intended. His smile faltered, and I thawed a bit. He didn’t deserve my attitude.

  “Looks that way.”

  “Why?”

  “I…ah…oh hell, why not? It’s a free country, right?” Damn, he’s using my words against me.

  He seemed to like me, but I couldn’t understand why. In that moment, I assumed the worst. “We’re not having a test today, so there is no benefit in you sitting here.”

  He tilted his head. “You think I want to copy off you?” he asked, eyes widening. I looked away, but he leaned in closer. “Trust me—I don’t need to copy off anyone. I was actually going to apologize for Darren.”

  “You don’t need to apologize for him. I liked him.” He wasn’t expecting me to say that, so I added for no particular reason, “So did Raj.”

  “What’s the deal with you guys? Are you together?”

  His forwardness surprised me, but his assumption did not. Most people thought Raj and I were together since we always hung out. We didn’t correct them either. The idea benefitted both of us.

  “It’s none of your business, is it?”

  “No, I suppose not, but I’m curious.” His amused grin only widened.

  “I guess you’ll have to remain curious.”

  “What if I told you I was concerned about you?”

  “Why would you be concerned about me?”

  He dropped his voice to a low whisper, leaning toward me conspiratorially. His pleasant, clean, masculine scent surrounded me, and with shame, I sniffed. “Well, if you were dating, and I don’t think you are, but if you were, you should know your boyfriend’s gay.”

  I was having trouble catching my breath all of a sudden. The pencil dropped right out of my hand. He picked it up and handed it back to me.

  “How did you know?” I asked in a demanding whisper.

  “There were signs.”

  Raj was very protective and somewhat confused by his orientation. That Ethan had guessed morphed my fear into a form of anger that surprised even me. “What signs, Ethan? Because he has a limp handshake? He doesn’t. Because he knows how to pair colors and patterns?”

  His bottomless blue eyes widened. He opened his mouth to respond, but I cut him off.

  “What fucking signs? Tell me.” The swearing was so rare for me that I cupped my hand to my mouth.

  “Relax, Meena,” he said in a gravel-laden whisper that was the perfect mixture of comfort and command. “I figured it out because of the book he was reading. My mother’s a psychologist, and she recommends it to her patients who are confused by their sexual orientation. That’s all.”

  I sucked in a deep breath. “You can’t tell anyone. Promise me that.”

  “His secret is safe with me, but I don’t understand why he’s hiding it. Coming out is almost fashionable these days. We live in California, after all, and it’s not uncommon.”

  I shook my head, backing away from him. “Not for people like us.”

  Ethan nodded. “So, you knew. You’re not dating, then.”

  It made no sense to continue with the charade. “No, we’re just friends.”

  Ethan exhaled, which was strange since it hadn’t even looked like he’d been holding his breath.

  “That’s a relief,” he said, tilting his head and smiling optimistically.

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Because I’d like to ask you out.”

  “Out where?” Oh crap, he means a date. I got that about two seconds too late.

  He shrugged. “I don’t care. Anywhere you want. Lunch, dinner, brunch, high tea, low tea, coffee, pretzels in the park, dancing in the dark, sightseeing at sunset?”

  I couldn’t help but laugh at his long list, but I looked away from his penetrating gaze so I could concentrate on my response and not his striking blue eyes. “Thank you, but I don’t date.”

  “We’ll go as friends then,” he replied nonchalantly.

  “I already have two friends.” Did I really just say that aloud? I shut my eyes, wishing I could press the rewind button on my stupid mouth. His laugh echoed through the lecture hall. People had to be staring at us.

  “Do you have a quota on friends?”

  “That’s the wrong word. A quota would imply a minimum. I have a maximum. I’m very busy, and I have two close friends. I don’t need another, but thank you for your interest.”

  “You won’t even let me apply for the job of your friend?” He raked his fingers through his hair, making it a perfect blend of messy beautiful, which sounded like a contradiction, but it was the only way to describe it.

  “There are no openings at this time,” I stated sternly. It didn’t deflate his wide smile though.

  “Is it okay if I check back? You know, to see if you have any vacancies? I’m really very interested in the position, and I promise not to let you down. I’m well qualified and can even provide references.”

  I felt heat rush into my face. Although I was tan, there were rare occasions when I blushed. This was one of them.

  Professor Malkin entered just then, and everyone quieted down. He immediately turned our attention to the graphs on the overhead. This class was difficult for me, so I did my best to pay attention, but it was challenging with Ethan’s clean scent lingering in the small space between us.

  After class, Professor Malkin asked us to approach his desk so he could hand back our tests. Ethan stood behind me, and I did my best to ignore him, despite the fact that he was very close—about the distance of a ream of paper. My body yearned for a smaller gap, like a single sheet, while my brain wanted the expanse of the Pacific between us. I bit my lip, ordering the racy thoughts out of my head, but that only made them worse.

  Professor Malkin handed me back my test. “Meena, you seem to be having trouble with this new material. I think you should come see me during my office hours.”

  I stared at the B− on my paper in disgust. I had to get my grades up before report cards went out. My parents would kill me. An A− was irritating, but a B−…Well, to my parents, it was one step away from dealing meth. The legend of the Asian F was true, and a B− was on the fast track to failure.

  “I have class during your office hours, Professor.” I lowered my head, unable to meet Professor Malkin’s disappointed gaze.

  “Well, then, I suggest you get a tutor. This is not your usual stellar work.”

  I murmured a pathetic apology, clutching my paper as I walked out of class.

  “I could help you,” Ethan said, keeping step beside me. My embarrassment increased exponentially—he’d heard the whole exchange.

  “I don’t need your help,” I replied, willing my feet to move faster.

  “Are you sure about that?” He managed to move in front of me, making me stop before I bumped into him. He held up his own paper with the large A sprawled across the front in big red marker. “Or maybe you just want to cheat off me?”

  I gaped at him, at a loss for words. He definitely put me in my place.

  “Get a cup of coffee with me, Sunshine. Let me help you.”
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  “Why would you want to help me?” If anything, I’d been rude to him.

  He smiled crookedly. “I’m applying for a pretty prestigious job. I think this will earn me some brownie points.”

  I couldn’t help but smile. I had never been comfortable around boys, but he put me at ease with his sense of humor and easygoing personality. Unfortunately, his tall, muscular frame, wavy hair, sapphire eyes, and cocky grin did just the opposite.

  Ethan and I walked to a coffee shop on campus. He ordered a plain coffee, black. I ordered green tea, iced.

  “I didn’t think anyone drank black coffee anymore.”

  “I like to keep it simple.”

  It took about half an hour, but Ethan was very good at explaining the concepts I’d missed. It was easy to see he was brilliant. Unfortunately, that attracted me to him even more. How could he be so good-looking, smart, and funny at the same time? It wasn’t lost on me that several girls had come by to say hi to him, including our barista, which was unusual since this was a counter service place.

  “Thank you for your help. I really appreciate it, and thank you for keeping Raj’s secret too. This is on me.” I pulled out my wallet, placing a few bills on the table. I reached for my backpack.

  His voice stopped me. “That’s it? I thought maybe this would get me an interview at least.”

  “Interview?”

  “Yeah, you know, for my application. I think I would have at least made it to the interview stage.”

  I laughed at his brashness. “Look, Ethan, you’ve been very nice to me, but I’m serious when I say you won’t get what you want from me, so it’s better to drop it now.”

  He narrowed his eyes, but his smile didn’t waver. “And what is it you think I want?”

  I swallowed, steadying my hands. “I told you I don’t date.”

  “I told you we could just be friends.”

  “I know how this works. Despite my heritage, I’m not off the boat you know.”

  He laughed deeply, which for some strange reason put me at ease. “Exactly, so I don’t understand why you have a friendship limitation. Help me understand.”