Variables of Love

by M. K. Schiller

  “Yes, you are,” he said. Shithead. “It is hot in here. Let’s go outside.” He turned back to me, saying the words to me though he was talking to her. “Where we can be alone.”

  He would have shoved me out of the way, but I stood my ground as they walked toward the door. I glared after them, not sure what the right move was. I wanted to grab her and take her out of this place, caveman style, but it wasn’t my right. Meena was an adult, and no one was forcing her. Hell, maybe she wants to fuck Reese-fucking-dickhead-Denton.

  My hand hurt suddenly. I looked down at the red cup that no longer resembled any kind of drinking vessel. I’d managed to crush it into a tiny ball. Good thing it was empty. Better thing it wasn’t made of glass.

  I had no claim to her, but if Denton thought for a second I would allow him to be alone with her, then he was a bigger shithead than I’d estimated.

  “What are we doing now?” Claire asked, putting her arm around my waist, hooking her finger through my belt loop.

  “I’m going out outside,” I said.

  “Sounds good.”

  “Will you do me a favor?” I asked, moving her arm back to her side.

  “I can do you a lot of favors, Ethan.”

  I ignored her come-on. “Do you know Raj Desai?”

  “Yeah, I know him.”

  “Find him for me and tell him to meet me outside.”

  I left her there with her mouth hanging open. It was a dick move, but I couldn’t worry about it now. She probably wouldn’t find Raj, though. I was pissed beyond belief with him for leaving Meena in the clutches of a guy like Reese.

  I walked outside and scanned the backyard for them. There were tons of people on the deck, hanging out and drinking. The music was louder out here than inside, but at least it was cooler and less crowded.

  I marched to where they sat on the far side of the lawn. Denton was rubbing her leg. She wasn’t encouraging him, but she wasn’t pushing him away, either. I stood there, not sure what I was waiting for. Maybe for Raj so he could help me talk some sense into her. Or maybe a sign from her that I needed to step in.

  Instead of Meena, it was Reese Denton that gave me the sign…when he kissed her. She didn’t return his kiss, but she didn’t exactly deny him. I no longer cared. My body moved on autopilot.

  I cleared my throat. Meena broke their kiss, and they both looked up at me. She looked confused, and he was irritated as hell.

  “We’re leaving. Now.”

  She continued to stare at me, so I held my hand out. She took it hesitantly, like she wasn’t sure if I was offering her a handshake. I yanked her up a little more forcefully than I should have.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you seriously cock-blocking me right now, Callahan?” Denton yelled, standing up himself, wiping the dirt from his skinny jeans.

  “Can’t you tell she’s drunk? Is this the only way you can get a girl these days?”

  I moved Meena behind me so she wasn’t in our crossfire. Reese and I stared each other down.

  “She wants to be here.”

  “She doesn’t know what she wants, asshole. She’s drunk off her ass, thanks to you.”

  “I didn’t force her. What are you going to do—drag her out of here?”

  He shifted to walk around me, but I stopped him, grabbing a fistful of his shirt and pulling him toward me. I was a good foot taller, and I used that to my advantage. “Do not fucking test me. We both know how this will end. I’m bigger and stronger than you. I don’t want to make you look like pussy in your house. I do that enough on the field.”

  He stared at me for a minute, weighing his options. The asshole didn’t know there weren’t any. He held out his hands and sighed. Mission accomplished. I let him go, giving him a good shove in the process.

  I took Meena’s hand, pulling her toward the front of the house. I was walking fast, and she was having trouble keeping up, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to get her out of here.

  “Ethan, stop. Where are you taking me?”

  I stopped and took a deep breath, turning to her. I put my hands on her shoulders, peering down at her, trying to make my voice clear and slow so she would understand. “I’m going to ask you this just once. Do you want to be here?”

  She stared at me in confusion.

  I sighed and tried once again to penetrate the alcoholic haze of her mind. “Do you want to be alone with Reese Denton, in a bedroom where things might get out of hand, and you’re not thinking clearly? Is that what you want? Because just say yes, and I’ll leave your ass here.”

  She winced. It was a harsh way to talk to her. I had no right to be mad at her. Truthfully, I had no intentions of leaving her, but it would be easier if she believed it was her decision, not mine.

  She shook her head slowly. It wasn’t the clear answer I wanted, but fuck it, I’d take what I could get. I started walking again, pulling her beside me.

  “I feel dizzy. Please stop.”

  I stopped, and she crashed into my back. She was swaying. I didn’t trust her to make it across the lawn without falling, so I lifted her over my shoulder, ironically, caveman-style. It was the most efficient way. I ignored the whistles and murmurs of the other party people as I walked with Meena on my shoulder, looking like a total tool. I ran into Alex on my way out.

  “Ethan? Is that Meena?” he asked in disbelief.

  “She’s had a lot to drink. I’m taking her to my place.”

  “Your place?” Alex raised his eyebrows.

  “Yeah, there’s no one at her dorm room to watch her, and I don’t think she should be alone. Do me a favor.” It wasn’t a question, but Alex nodded anyway. “You know Raj Desai, right?”

  “Yeah, I think so.”

  “Find him. Give him my number and tell him Meena’s with me.”

  I didn’t wait for Alex to answer. I knew he’d do this for me. I finally made it to my car. I opened the door and carefully placed Meena inside, pulling the seatbelt over her. She shifted and groaned, but she didn’t protest.

  I raced around to the driver’s side. I started the car, putting it in gear. Her hand stopped mine from moving the gearshift.

  “What?” I asked, ready to get into another argument with her.

  “Are you okay to drive?” Her voice came out quiet and meek. My anger subsided instantly.

  I stared at her hand on mine. It was trembling. I smiled to reassure her. “I’ve only had one beer.” I didn’t tell her that I spilled most of it. “I’m fine. I promise.”

  She nodded, turning toward the window, leaning her head against it. The ten-minute drive to my apartment consisted of her staring out the window as I clutched the steering wheel, replaying that fucking kiss in my head.

  What the hell does he have that I don’t? I’m a great guy. I’m a gentleman. Well, maybe not tonight, but I want more from her than some quickie. Hell, she knows that. She has to. By the time we got to my place, I was fuming.

  Meena had trouble with the stairs, so I lifted her again, but this time in my arms, not over my shoulder. She was a perfect fit.

  I took her straight to my bedroom, trying to be quiet so Darren wouldn’t wake up.

  Meena pointed to the lithograph poster on my wall. “Batman!” she exclaimed in a half-whisper-half-scream volume that only drunks could manage.

  “Shh.” Darren would be sleeping since he planned to take off early tomorrow for home. I laid her on the bed and sat on the edge of the mattress. I took her foot, putting it in my lap so I could get her shoes off.

  “Your bed’s so comfortable,” she said in a quieter voice, stretching her arms.

  “I know.”

  “You have a nice place.”

  “Thanks. It looks even better when you’re sober,” I said through clenched teeth.

  She was trying hard to converse with me, but I was too pissed to be nice. More than that, I was hurt.

  “What time is it?”

  “A little past midnight.”

  “Happy birthd
ay to me,” she sang loudly.

  I was too shocked to tell her to be quiet. I stared, not sure if she was playing a joke in her drunken state. “It’s your birthday today?”

  It was Wednesday, the day I’d asked her to hang out, and she’d said she couldn’t. Who is she spending her birthday with? Why wouldn’t she go home to Mashpee? She’d said her family didn’t celebrate Thanksgiving, but they had to celebrate the girl’s birthday. I knew enough about her religion to know it didn’t preclude birthday celebrations.

  “Happy Birthday, Meena.” I tried to sound softer, but my voice still had an edge to it. I took her wrist in my hand. I had an urge to kiss the underside of it, but instead I just held it like I was feeling for a pulse.

  “Yes, happy fucking birthday to me. It’s mine, all mine now.” There was a bitter quality to her voice. She sounded like she was pissed it was her birthday.

  “Alex is going to look for Raj. I’m sure he’ll come and pick you up.”

  “You’re mad at me, aren’t you?” She propped herself up on her elbows.

  “Wow, you’re very perceptive—even hammered,” I replied sarcastically. “Don’t worry. I’ll get over it.”

  “Why? Tell me what I did wrong, friend number three.” Meena had reached the slurring phase of drunkenness.

  I should just tell her. After all, she probably wouldn’t remember any of this. “Why did you do it?”

  “Get drunk?”

  “Why the hell did you kiss Reese Denton?”

  “He kissed me.”

  “You didn’t exactly stop him.”

  She stared at me, blinking several times, as if trying to comprehend my words. Finally, she swallowed. “I wanted to know what it felt like.”

  “To kiss Reese? Congratulations, you’re one of many.” I had no idea why I was acting like a total prude. In hindsight, I’d acted like an irrational psycho tonight, yet I didn’t regret my actions. There was no way I was letting this girl get hurt. Not on my watch.

  “To be kissed.”

  I dropped her wrist, trying to work my jaw closed. “That was your first kiss?” I’d figured Meena was a virgin based on the things she’d told me, but no boy had gotten to first or second base with this hot girl?

  She nodded.

  “Did you enjoy it?”

  She laughed, surprising me again. “No, he tasted like warm beer, and he stuck his tongue so far down my throat I thought he was performing a tracheal intubation.”

  I laughed too, somewhat relieved by her confession.

  “I was just pretending anyway.”

  “Pretending that you liked him?”

  “That it was you.”

  My head swiveled toward her so fast I might have gotten whiplash. She scooted closer to me. Her brown eyes were calling to me. She trailed her fingers down my face.

  My body reacted before my brain could register a single thought. I pulled her close to me and crushed my mouth to hers. Her hands fisted in my hair as she kissed me back. It was better than I’d imagined…and I’d imagined it a lot.

  Her lips were as soft as pillows, and they molded to mine perfectly, like two puzzle pieces joining. I put my hand on her back, drawing her closer, feeling her small frame tremble against me. I went hard instantly. It couldn’t go further than this, but right now, I needed her kiss.

  I broke our contact before my hands roamed any further. We were both breathless. The lusty expression on her face must have matched my own. Then her eyes widened, and her jaw dropped.

  “Sunshine?”

  She clapped her hand to her mouth. “I’m gonna be sick!”

  Meena jumped off the bed like she was on fire. It took me a second to register what was happening as she stumbled her way out of my room. I caught up to her as she rushed into the first closed door in the hallway. She fumbled for the lights and managed to find the switch.

  Darren shot straight up in his bed, completely naked and cursing loudly.

  I grasped Meena’s waist and led her to the bathroom. “In here.”

  I walked her to the toilet. Luckily, we’re boys so the lid was already up. She made it just in time.

  “Everything okay?” Darren asked, appearing in the doorway.

  I was holding Meena’s ponytail away from her, rubbing her back as she puked up all of the liquor she’d consumed. “Shit, put some fucking clothes on, man!”

  “Oh, yeah, I forgot I was in the buff,” he said groggily, heading back to his room.

  I sat there with Meena, next to the toilet, while she spent the next fifty-two minutes throwing up, gagging, crying, and apologizing.

  “It’s okay,” I kept saying, trying to comfort her.

  Thankfully, Darren put some clothes on and got me a few damp washcloths. I pressed them to her forehead and the back of her neck. I held her hair. I intermittently flushed the toilet. I whispered soothing words. I rubbed small circles onto her back. When it appeared she was finally done, I helped her up and steadied her while she washed her face. Darren couldn’t handle the smell, but he helped in his own way. He found a new toothbrush for her and fetched a glass of water and aspirin.

  “Here, she can wear this,” he said, handing me one of his T-shirts.

  I shook my head. There was no fucking way she was sleeping in Darren’s shirt tonight. “I have a long shirt in my dresser. It’ll be better, and grab a pair of my shorts.”

  Darren must have known what I was thinking, because he started laughing, but he got the clothes.

  “Can you change by yourself?” I asked her, not wanting to let go of her waist.

  “Yes, I’m fine.” Her voice was clearer, which was a huge relief.

  The shorts were falling off her, and she drowned in the shirt, but they had to be more comfortable than her jeans and sweater. When she was done, I led her back to my bedroom and laid her down, tucking the comforter around her.

  I went to the kitchen to get her more water. Darren was fixing himself a snack. “Is she okay?”

  “Yeah, she just had too much to drink.”

  “Apparently. What happened?”

  I gave Darren a brief outline of the night’s events. His eyebrows got incrementally higher with each sentence. “Shit, Ethan, you cock-blocked Reese Denton?”

  “I don’t care. He’s a fucking asshole.”

  “Yeah, I know that. Hell, everyone knows that. Don’t get me wrong, you’re a good guy for doing it, but I’ve never seen you play the hero or throw a wrench in another guy’s game.”

  “I’m not a hero. I’m as much of a tool as he is.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “I took advantage and kissed her too. After I fucking dragged her out of there when he did that.”

  “She told you she wanted it. It’s not like you banged her.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Real classy, Jones.”

  “I don’t get why you feel so guilty. Did she slap you or something when you did it?”

  I chuckled cynically. “No—she threw up.”

  Darren laughed so hard, he had to clutch his stomach. “Fuck, that’s funny.”

  “Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, she threw up after she saw you naked.”

  “Hey, don’t push this on me. Maybe she came into my room for another reason? She wanted to see how a real man kisses.”

  I glared at him. “Shut up. I’m serious.”

  “Jealous much?” Darren grabbed his sandwich and made his way back to his room before I could respond. It was just as well. I didn’t have an argument for him.

  “I already had some,” she whined when I brought her the water.

  “Drink more. You’ll be dehydrated otherwise.”

  She took the glass from me, but her hand was shaky so I held it for her. I sat on the edge of the bed next to her, allowing her to take small sips until it was the glass was empty. I took her wrist and undid her watch, setting it on the nightstand, and rubbed the place where it had been.

  “Good night, Meena.”

  “Where
are you going?” There was a fear in her voice I wasn’t expecting.

  “I’m going to sleep on the couch. I’ll keep checking on you, though.”

  “Can you sleep here?” She patted the space beside her, looking so vulnerable and tiny.

  I wanted to stay with her, but I didn’t want things to get out of hand again. I didn’t trust myself, and she was definitely in no position to be thinking clearly. One of us had to be the voice of reason.

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

  “Please,” she pleaded. “Just until I go to sleep?”

  How can I resist? I nodded, placing the water glass on the nightstand. I left the light on and moved to the other side of my queen-size bed, sliding in beside her. I had all my clothes on. At least they would serve as a protective barrier. I kept as much distance between the two of us as I could, lying down on my back and staring at the ceiling.

  “I’m really sorry, Ethan.”

  “Don’t apologize anymore. It’s really okay. If that’s the dumbest thing you do in college, you’re better off than most people. I am curious, though, why you got so drunk. That’s not like you, Sunshine.”

  Her back was to me, and she clutched the covers, moving into a fetal position. I wanted to reach out to her. Her hair was still in a ponytail. Would it hurt to sleep like that? I wanted to pull out her hair band and run my hands through it, but I stopped myself.

  “I didn’t want to be me tonight. I thought it would help me forget, but it didn’t.”

  “Help you forget what?”

  “That I’m not supposed to be here.” She shivered, despite the heavy comforter.

  “Where are you supposed to be?”

  “Dead,” she whimpered.

  My heart froze in my chest, and I struggled to understand what she meant. She started crying soundless sobs that caused her body to shudder, like the emotion was too big for her small frame. I pulled her close. She turned and embraced me, and I held her tightly against my chest. I tugged out the hair band and stroked her silky hair while she cried in my arms.

  I didn’t say anything or encourage her to talk anymore. Truthfully, I wasn’t ready for an explanation. I didn’t even know if I wanted one. I just wanted…no…needed to hold her as much as she needed to be held.