Variables of Love

by M. K. Schiller

  “Fuck, no. I have no idea what the hell you’re talking about. Show me,” Raj said as he finished his beer off.

  “Fine. I would buy her a drink.” I slid Meena’s beer closer to her, and shifted so I was facing her. I tilted her chin so our eyes were locked. “You have the most amazing eyes. I used to think brown eyes were a little boring until I met you. I could look at your eyes all day and never blink once because they’re always changing. When they’re sad, they remind me of the soaked earth after a fresh rain in Austin. When they’re happy, they twinkle like the sun-bleached sands of Santa Cruz. When they’re excited, they glow like firewood burning from within.” Yeah, she had me spouting like an idiot poet. I could hear Darren calling me a pussy right now, but I didn’t care. It was all true.

  She opened her mouth, but nothing came out at first. “Wow,” she finally said.

  “Am I freaking you out?”

  “You don’t need to explain your feelings. They just are.”

  Raj cleared his throat, breaking our trance. “What the fuck? You want me to say all that shit to a guy I just met? What if his eyes aren’t even brown?”

  “You could always ask him if he dropped his pen,” Meena said.

  I did a double take. “You knew?”

  “Yeah, you were smooth and all, but I figured it out.” We both laughed until Raj pounded his fist on the table to get our attention.

  “I hate couples,” he said with an exasperated sigh.

  I felt bad, because we weren’t really supporting him, which was what tonight was about.

  “Sorry, man. Just buy him a drink and be yourself.”

  “That’s your advice?”

  “It’s too much work to be anyone else. If you’re not yourself, who else will you be?”

  He nodded, considering my words. I gave him my full attention, and then I said my next statement slowly so it would be impactful. “Here’s the thing. I’m not a gay man, but if I were, you wouldn’t be a bad catch.”

  “Don’t patronize me,” he said in a mocking tone.

  “I’m being honest. You think that’s easy for me to say that to another dude? Trust me—it’s not. I’m comfortable enough to admit you’re a good-looking guy. You’re obviously intelligent, successful, and although I don’t know you well, I can tell you have a dry sense of humor that appeals to people. This is a two-way transaction. You’re not selling yourself as much as buying into someone else. If he doesn’t like you for you, then he doesn’t deserve to know you.”

  Raj nodded and made a move like he was going to stand up. Then he sat down again and looked around. The guy had been so worried about himself, he hadn’t even figured out if there was anyone worth picking up. He snagged my beer and drank it. I didn’t object. He needed it more than me. He did the same with Meena’s. He wiped his mouth, stared at us, and fuck me if he didn’t salute before marching off.

  “Thank you,” she said so quietly I almost didn’t hear her.

  “For what?”

  “You gave my friend the perfect pep talk when he needed it the most. You found the words when I couldn’t. Thank you for that.” It was obvious she loved Raj, so I was glad I could do this small thing for him…for her.

  “I think I can consider him a friend too now,” I responded, clinking her empty beer glass with mine.

  “I think so too.”

  “How come you’re drinking?”

  “I decided everything in moderation. It’s not so bad to try new things, although I’ll admit I don’t like beer.”

  I laughed. “I’ll introduce you to wine. It’s very sweet…like you. Want to dance?”

  “Sure, I love this song.” It was “Ho Hey” by the Lumineers. I liked it too.

  I led her to the dance floor. We were the only heterosexual couple, so it was almost comical, but I didn’t feel uncomfortable. In fact, Meena was the only girl in the bar. This was probably the only place where I felt at ease with that thought. She held out her arms, placing one on my shoulder and the other in my hand. We were so far apart another person could have fit between us.

  “What the hell are you doing?”

  “Isn’t this the right form?” she asked innocently.

  “If I were dancing with my sister. Get over here.” I pulled her to me, practically embracing her. “Do you think I just wanted to dance?”

  “Didn’t you?”

  “Hell no. Dancing was just an excuse to feel you.” I kissed her head. Her body seemed to mold perfectly to mine even though I was so much bigger. We just fit.

  “I feel you too. I have to feel you to make sure you’re real.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “I don’t think a lot of guys would come to a gay bar to hang out with their girlfriend or give advice about picking up guys with such patience. I’m a lucky girl.”

  “The real question is am I going to get lucky?”

  She giggled against me, and I felt myself go hard at the vibration. I had no idea how she had the ability to get such a physical response from me without trying.

  “Spend the night with me.”

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea.” She said that because Darren was a flirt, and despite the conversations I’d had with him, he continued doing it. It never bothered me before now.

  “Darren’s staying at Mandy’s tonight. In fact, he’s moving in with her.” He was staying with her tonight, and he’d eventually have to move in with her when I kicked him out, so it was truthful in a way.

  “Ethan, you know Darren’s flirting doesn’t bother me. I get that it’s just part of his personality. What bothers me is the way it affects you. I don’t want to ruin your friendship.”

  “You won’t. Let me worry about that. Besides, you’re right, his flirting bothers the hell out of me. It’s disrespectful to both of us.”

  “Don’t kick him out because of me.”

  She was smart the way she picked up on things. “It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while. It’ll be the best thing for everyone. Mandy wants to keep a closer eye on him, Darren’s been thinking about moving in with her, I want you to spend as many nights with me as you want, and I won’t punch him if he’s not there to piss me off, right?”

  “It’s really amazing how convincing you are.”

  “So, I’ve convinced you to have a sleepover?”

  “You have.” She leaned her head against my chest.

  A tap on my shoulder interrupted our dance. In fact, the song had changed to some fast-paced number I would never dance to, but I didn’t want to release her.

  “Can I cut in?” asked a tall, blond, Thor-looking guy.

  I sighed in aggravation. I couldn’t catch a break. “She’s with me buddy.”

  He smiled. “I wasn’t asking her.”

  I stared awkwardly, unsure how to handle the situation.

  “He’s flattered, but he’s straight. And, most importantly, he’s mine,” Meena answered for me, patting my chest. Her possessiveness was a total turn on. Yep, that’s my girl.

  “Can’t blame a guy for trying,” Thor muttered before rushing off.

  Meena and I stared at each other and started laughing. “We should go,” she said, taking my hand.

  “What about Raj?” I asked her.

  “We’ll let him know we’re going, but he’s doing just fine on his own.” She pointed to a table where Raj was in an animated conversation with an eccentric looking guy in a long wool scarf and black-rimmed glasses. “I have to get you out of here,” she said.

  “So you can get lucky?” I joked.

  “That’s part of it, but honestly, having a guy like you in a place like this…well, it’s just cruel and, worse, false advertising. You can’t expect me to fight every guy off.”

  I laughed, hooking my pinky with hers. I was getting lucky too—and not just in the bedroom.

  Chapter 15

  WE HAD BEEN DATING for a few weeks, and every day felt special whether we were doing something mundane like studying, or
exciting like when he gave me surfing lessons, or special like when we walked to Baylands and watched the swans…our swans. I stayed over frequently on weekends, but I drew the line at school nights. It was hard enough to get motivated, and I didn’t want to be a burden since Ethan or Raj had to drive me to school. I’d made an exception for today, though.

  I was waiting for Ethan to come out of the shower. Raj would be here soon, but I wanted to say goodbye. We would see each other in Advanced Statistics later today. It was our last class together before winter break, but I was flying out soon after. We would be apart for almost three weeks.

  He came out smelling clean and fresh, wearing a pair of low-slung jeans and a black button-down shirt that outlined his muscular build. I had no idea how he made clothes look so good. His hair was a damp, disheveled mess. I resisted the urge to run my hands through it.

  “Hey, Sunshine,” he said, pulling me into a kiss.

  “Hi. Raj is going to be here soon, but I wanted to say goodbye.”

  “I can drive you.”

  “He’s already on his way.”

  “I have something for you.”

  “A present?”

  “Not quite.”

  “Show me,” I urged.

  He grasped me by my waist and led me over to his dresser. He opened the top drawer, gesturing to its emptiness.

  “I’m confused.”

  “I’m giving you a drawer. It’s all yours.” He smiled, but I could tell he was nervous, and that was rare for him.

  I turned and hugged him. “I love it. Thank you.” I turned back to the drawer, carefully extracting it from the tracks of the dresser. “This will fit perfectly under my bed. It’ll be great for storing my old notebooks.”

  “Meena, that’s not—”

  My cell phone beeped. “That’s Raj. Gotta go. I’ll see you later.” I grabbed the drawer with one hand and my duffle bag with the other, managing to make it out the door.

  “Meena, wait,” he called out. “You don’t understand.”

  “Gotta go…see you later.”

  I slammed the door shut, but I knew he was standing behind it, confused and startled by my reaction. I texted Raj to give me five minutes. We had time. I counted—five, four, three. Ethan flew through the door and almost knocked me over. I burst out laughing.

  “You were playing a joke on me?” he asked, smiling with relief.

  “Yeah. I’m not off the boat you know.” I handed him back the drawer. “Look, I know what you’re trying to convey with this.”

  “What do you think that is?” He seemed a little hurt, and I guess I couldn’t blame him. I had meant to make him laugh.

  “I know you’re trying to say that I have a place in your life. A little niche that’s mine, but I don’t need it. It already exists here.” I pointed to his head. “And in here.” I rubbed the left side of his chest, where his heart beat rhythmically. “I don’t need a physical reminder of it.”

  “It’s not just that. Don’t you want to keep some stuff here? I mean for convenience?” He set the drawer down.

  “I have everything I need in my duffle bag.”

  “What about pajamas?”

  I smiled coyly. “We always sleep naked, or I wear your shirts.”

  “True.”

  “Ethan, this is very sweet, but I’m fine, really. I like all my stuff in one place. In case you haven’t noticed, we’re both a little OCD.”

  “I’ve noticed.”

  I kissed him, and he pulled me closer, picking me up until I squeaked, “I have to go.”

  “I just need to kiss you again. I won’t see you until next year.”

  “We’ll see each other in Malkin’s class.”

  “Yes, but the good professor might frown on me making out with you during his lecture,” Ethan said, pressing his lips to mine.

  “I’ll see you this afternoon, and then I’ll see you next year. I’ll call or text you every night, okay? Or is that too much?” I asked him, not sure what the protocol was for something like this.

  “It’s never too much, Meena.”

  I had just put on my seatbelt when I received a text from Ethan.

  Move in with me.

  I wouldn’t take your drawer so

  you’re asking me to move in?

  Yes, after break. It’s perfect. Darren

  will be gone by then, and as far as I’m

  concerned, you’re more than a small

  niche. I want you here all the time.

  It won’t work.

  Why? Name your cons and I’ll pro you.

  “You just spent the night with him, and he’s texting you already?” Raj asked as he pulled out of the parking lot.

  “He just asked me to move in with him. Is that crazy?”

  Raj was quiet for a moment, then he said, “I like Ethan a lot. He’s a really great guy.”

  “But?”

  “But you’re going pretty strong for what’s supposed to be a casual thing.”

  “I know it doesn’t make sense. The whole thing is a catastrophe waiting to happen.”

  “But you don’t care?”

  “The sane part of me that’s full of coherent thought and reason does care. But the part that just feels can’t really explain it. It’s like I wouldn’t want to give up this time with him for anything.”

  “And when we graduate?”

  “It’ll be over. We both know that, but doesn’t it mean I can’t have this right now. I’m happy. I think I make him happy, and we’re not hurting anyone.” The last part was a downright lie.

  Raj chuckled, which was odd considering I was spilling my fears to him.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “Just thinking of what your father would say.”

  The idea filled me with instant dread. Raj had met my parents when they came out to visit. Raj’s parents were here too, and they all became friends, which wasn’t unusual in our community. Indians tended to gravitate toward other Indians. It was some sort of special bond. Ironically, I never really did. My opinions were sometimes controversial, and I had a problem keeping them to myself. I was a bit of an oddball, but so was Raj, which was why we felt comfortable with each other.

  “Beta,” Raj said, using the Hindi word for daughter in his best fake Gujarati accent, which was more Hollywood’s portrayal than Bollywood’s. “What are you doing with your life? You know how these Americans are. This boy is just using you for sex.” He was doing the Indian head shift thing, which was somewhere between a nod and shake.

  Despite my fears, I had to laugh. “My father doesn’t sound like that.”

  Raj tousled his thick black hair and turned to me with a coy smile. “They all sound like that.”

  My father’s accent sounded more British if anything, but the words were accurate. It was what he would be saying and, even worse, was what he would think. Ethan was the horny American boy who wanted to use me for sex, and I was the slut who’d let herself be used.

  “How’s Phillip?” I asked, wanting to change the subject. Phillip was the man Raj had met at the bar. I had met him a few times, and he seemed very nice, but more importantly, very committed to Raj.

  “He’s good. We’re good. I guess you and I are sort of in the same boat.”

  “I just hope it’s not the Titanic,” I joked, except there was an undeniable truth to the statement.

  “If this is the Titanic, he can be my Leo DiCaprio.”

  “Raj, have you guys, um…”

  “What?”

  “You know?”

  “Say it, Meena. You’re asking if I’ve fucked him?” Raj smiled salaciously as he always did when he got me to blush.

  “Yeah, I was just wondering.”

  “Yes, we have.”

  “And?”

  He was quiet for a while, and I felt stupid for asking the question. “Let’s just say, I’m definitely gay. There’s no doubt about it.”

  “I don’t know if I should say congratulations, or I’m sorry.”
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  He nodded, understanding my meaning. Raj and I had conversed about this many times. It was a bittersweet realization for him. He was free from the burden of questioning who he was, yet he wasn’t free to be that person. At least not if he wanted to keep his family intact.

  I was in my dorm, getting ready for class when the next text came.

  I assume you have no cons

  since you haven’t replied.

  Con: my parents would kill me.

  Don’t tell them. It’s not like they

  know about me anyway, right?

  We texted like that throughout the day. I would find time between classes, or he would. I had never been much of a texter, but I found myself sneaking glances at my phone to see if I had a new one.

  Con: I can’t afford rent at your place.

  Pro: I wouldn’t expect you to pay

  rent. I didn’t plan on getting another

  roommate after Darren anyway.

  Keep your dorm room. If you don’t

  like it here, you can move back.

  Is that a pro?

  Sorry, forgot that part. Pro:

  My apartment is pretty sweet, right? I know

  you love the shower, and I love the

  shower with you in it. That’s a double PRO!

  I laughed and blushed at the same time. I did love it there.

  Con: I don’t have a car.

  Pro: I live close to the campus.

  You can ride your bike so that’s a pro.

  Plus, I can give you a ride or Raj can.

  This is just a logistic issue.

  A very small con. I’m disappointed you

  even brought it up in this debate.

  Con: It’s too soon. We’ve only

  dated for a short time.

  Yes, but we’re only dating

  for a short time period.

  I don’t care how long we’ve

  been going out. You shouldn’t either.

  I clutched the phone tightly, not sure how to respond to that one.

  Time is a system for distinguishing events,

  not an accurate method for judging them.

  You’re too damn smart, Ethan Callahan!

  And to use your phrase, it turns me on

  “something fierce.”

  LMAO.