Variables of Love

by M. K. Schiller

  “What’s Ethan doing tonight?” Rachael asked.

  “He’s having dinner with the Math Department professors, and then going out with some of the guys after. I think Alex is going.” It was rare for an underclassman to be invited to prestigious dinners with professors, but Ethan was a rising star.

  “Alex isn’t going. He’s working at Pala Mia’s.”

  “He works there?” Raj asked, surprised. Pala Mia’s was a pretty extravagant restaurant, and it was hard to imagine Alex’s casual style being associated with it.

  “Yeah, he got a job as a waiter. It helps with his student loans,” Rachael answered. I knew Alex struggled to stay on a budget. He didn’t have Ethan’s wealth or the deep pockets of parents like Raj and I did. Rachael received a scholarship from her church and other associations to pay for her schooling. Sometimes it was easy to take that for granted.

  “How’s Phillip?” I asked Raj.

  Raj smiled. “He’s good, but we fight a lot.”

  “Why?”

  “He thinks that everyone should be themselves, free to announce to the world who they are. He doesn’t understand that it’s not so easy for someone like me.”

  “I’m sorry, Raj. I know it’s got to be a difficult situation,” I said.

  “It’s okay, Meena. I could say the same thing to you.”

  He was absolutely right.

  “Yeah, my guy is the wrong race, wrong religion—although he has no religion so I don’t know if that counts—and he has no caste status.” I left out his mother’s occupation to respect Ethan’s privacy, but that was an issue too. “You’re so lucky, Rachael.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “You can introduce Alex to your parents at least.”

  Rachael laughed so hard, she almost spit out her drink. “I’m in the same boat as you two idiots.”

  Raj and I stared at her incredulously. “What are you talking about?” Raj finally asked her.

  She cast her eyes downward. “Jesus, you guys are so dense. His name is Alex Goldberg.”

  “So?” I asked.

  “He’s Jewish. I’m the daughter of a Protestant preacher. I’m as much of a loser as you two.”

  Neither Raj nor I spoke. We had been so busy with our own issues, we didn’t even think about this.

  “I’m so sorry, Rachael, but wouldn’t your parents be more accepting?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe, if he converted. We’re not really at a place where we need to have that talk, but I don’t think it will turn out well if we did. His parents are religious too. His uncle is a rabbi, for God’s sake. Our relationship sounds like a pathetic joke. What happens when the slutty daughter of a Christian pastor winds up with the noble nephew of a Jewish rabbi? I have no idea what the punch line is, but it can’t be good.”

  “Don’t call yourself slutty. Only we get to do that,” Raj chimed in, trying to make her laugh. She laughed, but it had a bitter quality.

  “Have you guys discussed it?” I asked her.

  “Have you guys discussed it?” she repeated, staring at both Raj and me.

  “Ethan accepts it. He knows I’m going to have an arranged marriage no matter what. He’s not looking for a long-term relationship anyway. This is our senior year of college, and we’re just…” I didn’t know how to finish the sentence. I had no idea what we were really doing.

  “I try to avoid it. Phillip can be a real bitch sometimes.”

  I had to giggle at Raj saying “bitch”—the word sounded foreign on his tongue, like he was trying it on for size.

  “So, we all suck,” I summarized.

  “If this is a competition, I suck the most,” Raj proclaimed. Rachael and I gaped at him, waiting for an explanation. He cleared his throat for emphasis. “My guy is the wrong caste, the wrong religion, and born in the wrong country to the wrong parents. Did you know he dropped out of school to pursue poetry?” Both Rachael and I shook our heads. We knew very little about Phillip. “Can you imagine what my parents would think if I told them I was dating a…a…poet, let alone sleeping with one?” I cringed, imagining exactly how the stern conversation would go, because it wouldn’t be much different from what my parents would say to me. “Oh, and worst of all, he’s the wrong gender.”

  Rachael held up her glass. “Rajesh, I officially announce you the winner of the Losers in Love Club.” We toasted to Raj’s sad accomplishment, commiserating as only close friends could.

  “Is that what we’re calling it, the Losers in Love Club? It seems like no one would want to win,” I asked Rachael.

  “It’s not about who wins or loses, folks. It’s what our gym teachers always told us—it’s about how you play the game. In the end, we’re all playing with honesty and integrity, so that counts for something, right? It has to.”

  I knew Rachael well enough to know she was trying to justify it to herself, but her statement helped me too. I was about to comment that our lives weren’t a game when Rachael interrupted my thoughts.

  “Meena, check out who just walked in.” Rachael angled her head toward the door. Ethan stepped in with a bunch of guys. He didn’t see us since we were in a dimly lit corner of the bar. His group made their way to a table in the front. I felt my heart quicken as it always did when he was in the room. He was wearing black fitted trousers, a white oxford shirt, and red polka dot tie. The suit jacket was probably in his car. He hadn’t liked the idea of wearing a suit to the dinner, but he looked so scrumptious in it. His brown hair had been swept to the side when he left, but now his bangs had fallen on his forehead in that way I loved so much. I stared at Ethan so hard I almost didn’t notice the statuesque blonde sit next to him. Almost.

  “I should tell him we’re here,” I said, scooting out of the booth.

  “No,” Rachael commanded, gripping my arm. She eyed the blonde too, sitting a little too close to Ethan with her head propped in her hands in a gesture of demure but obvious flirtation.

  “Why?”

  “This is a rare opportunity.”

  “For what?” Raj asked.

  Rachael gestured her arms wildly, feigning her best Aussie accent, in a surprisingly good imitation of the late, great Steve Irwin, “Ladies and gents, we have the extraordinary privilege of viewing the most mysterious species in all the land—the North American boyfriend. We can view him out on a stroll without the protection of his mate. Let’s see how he reacts when he’s pounced on by a ruthless predator of the blond variety.”

  Raj and I both laughed, but I had to admit, despite the funny way she put it, I could see Rachael’s point. I hated myself for being such a jealous girl. It was a feeling that was completely foreign to me until I met Ethan. I saw the way girls looked at him, like they would have sewn themselves to his hip if given the chance. It made me even more conflicted about us. Part of me thought it was unfair to him that we had this committed relationship when it couldn’t go anywhere, but I knew I couldn’t give myself to him if he were with anyone else. We’d talked about this. Ethan had assured me he wouldn’t want us any other way.

  “Watch as the prowler stalks her prey, preparing to attack at any moment,” Rachael narrated.

  The blonde giggled at something he said, rubbing her hand over Ethan’s arm. I clenched my fists so tightly they hurt. He continued to smile at her, but eased away, taking his arm out of reach, in a gesture that was effective and easily understood. I fought with the urge to slap the girl senseless.

  “What do you think they’re saying?” I asked. It was obvious they were having some sort of animated conversation despite Ethan’s physical rebuke of her advance.

  “She’s saying, ‘Ethan, you’re, like, such a total hottie, you know?’” Rachael said, switching to an exaggerated but equally accurate rendition of a Valley girl accent. “‘I want you to pour some of that international microbrew on my nipples and then totally suck it off.’”

  “Rachael, be serious,” I said with an agitation in my voice that surprised me.

  “Why t
he microbrew, sugar?” Raj asked in what I imagined was his Ethan accent. He failed miserably to get the subtle nuances of California surfer tone, mixed with slow, southern drawl, peppered by the clipped East Coast inflection that was uniquely Ethan.

  “He never calls me sugar,” I replied sarcastically.

  “Sorry, Sunshine,” Raj corrected.

  “Don’t,” I warned both of them. I had no intention of sitting here while they applied the sweet pet name Ethan called me to this blond bimbo.

  “Sunshine fits her more than you, Meena,” Raj said, toying with me.

  “Because she’s blond? I’ll have you know I’m so fucking full of sunshine that it’s coming out of my pores.” These fruity drinks had a way of sneaking up on me, and my voice was so dramatic it was comical, even to me. Thank God, Raj was our designated driver. They looked at each other, laughing nervously, before staring back at me with apologetic smiles.

  “Relax, Ethan doesn’t like international beer. He only buys American, right?” Rachael asked. It made no sense, but it somehow comforted me. “I’ve never seen his eyes stray from you, Meena.”

  “Besides, what kind of girl gets off on having beer poured on herself? You know how messy and sticky that can be?” Raj exclaimed, and it was so funny I cracked up, especially since we didn’t know this girl. “If a girl asked me for that, I’d be totally turned off.”

  “Raj, you’re turned off by all girls, remember?” We all laughed at that. Rachael went to put her arm around Raj, completely missed, knocking his beer into his lap. It was so ironically funny that I cracked up harder.

  “Shit, Rachael,” Raj admonished.

  “Sorry, I’m such a klutz,” she said, gathering napkins and wiping his lap.

  Raj grabbed her wrist and took the napkins from her. “Stop, I can do it.”

  Rachael smiled slyly. “Is it turning you on?”

  “If it was turning me on, I wouldn’t have asked you to stop, you wench.”

  We all cracked up again, absorbed in our private joke, until Ethan came to the table. Of course, we’d made such a scene with our uproarious laughter and beer spilling that he would notice us. We all regarded him like children caught in the middle of a mischievous act, which was exactly what we were.

  “Hey,” he said smiling. “I didn’t know you’d be here.”

  “Hi, there,” I replied nonchalantly, although I was anything but.

  “Can I join you guys? I’m getting kind of bored over there talking about math.” He didn’t fool me. Ethan loved math. He could expound on equations and theories like they were philosophical arguments, full of passion. At the same time, I didn’t like him on the other side of the room. He belonged next to me.

  I scooted over to make room for him, but before he could sit down, the blond harlot walked up, handing him a beer, causing the otherwise dark room to take on a red color for me.

  “Ethan, you forgot your beer,” she said amicably. She didn’t have a Valley girl accent at all. In fact it was British, which made her sound quite brilliant, causing my unfounded dislike to strengthen.

  “Thanks.” Ethan took the beer from her and gestured to us. “This is Annabelle. She’s a math major too. Annabelle, these are my friends, Raj and Rachael.” He paused as if for emphasis when his eyes met mine. “And this is my girlfriend, Meena.” A pleasant shiver coursed through my body hearing him introduce me as his girlfriend.

  “It’s nice to meet you,” Annabelle said, offering her dainty hand embellished with perfectly polished pink nails.

  I took it, forcing myself not to squeeze too hard. “You too,” I exclaimed a little too loudly, pasting a fake smile on my lips.

  “Ethan’s been talking about you all night. Although he’s shown me pictures, it’s nice to meet you in person. I feel like I know so much about you already.”

  I’m an idiot. I had no reason to be jealous. Ethan was the most honest and loyal person I knew, and he would never do anything to diminish my trust in him.

  “Would you like to join us?” I offered.

  “Sure,” she answered good-naturedly, sliding in next to me. She seemed nice, and as long as she kept her paws off my man, there was no reason we couldn’t be friendly.

  “I’ll get the next round. What’s everyone having?” Ethan offered.

  We gave him our orders. He laughed salaciously when I told him I wanted a “sex on the beach.”

  He smiled and winked at me. I could read his dirty thoughts because they matched mine. That can be arranged, baby.

  When Annabelle ordered an international microbrew, Raj, Rachael, and I exchanged a quick glance before doubling over in laughter.

  “Something funny, Sunshine?” Ethan asked, arching his brow.

  Thankfully, Raj was quick with a reply. “I spilled my drink, and I should go clean up before people start wondering.”

  I tipped my own drink back, thankful that laughter had a place in my life once more.

  Chapter 20

  IT WASN’T LOST ON ME that Ethan had introduced my friends as his friends. That’s kind of what we all became after that. We rarely went out separately anymore. We’d meet up in big groups. Philip joined us too, and I found his eccentric attire and witty personality charming. I could see why Raj liked him.

  A temporary cease-fire was called on Darren’s flirting, and that’s when I really got to know him. He was sweet, funny, and I knew why Ethan and he were so close. But, his girlfriend, Mandy, deserved a Medal of Honor for putting up with him. She was shy and totally enthralled with Darren, to the point that I worried about her. Ethan told me I worried about everyone too much. It was true, but what he didn’t know was I worried about him the most.

  Our relationship seemed to be subtly shifting into deeper waters. I didn’t want to bring up the arranged marriage thing, but I did occasionally in the smallest ways, as a reminder. I felt like what we were doing was wrong, but it felt so good and right that I didn’t care. I would marry an Indian man and live the life my parents wanted. I would fulfill my destiny and honor my brother, but in the meantime, I could at least look back on this time of my life with joy at all the happy memories I was making with Ethan.

  My body was on top of his. He was hard and lean, but it was a comfortable position for me. He gently trailed his fingers on my back, while I stared into his piercing blue eyes. It was the first day of spring break. He was leaving for Hawaii today for a surfing trip with some of his friends from Los Angeles. It was planned before he’d met me, and although I knew about it, it came too soon.

  “I could still cancel and spend the week with you,” he said, twirling a piece of my hair. It was a conversation we’d had several times, and he was tempting me to change my mind, but I wouldn’t let my selfishness destroy his plans.

  “I won’t let you. If you cancel, I’ll refuse to spend any time with you.”

  He laughed. “Well, I guess it would be stupid since that would be my motive.” He lifted his head, planting a soft kiss on my forehead. “I’ll miss you.”

  “Me too.”

  “Will you reconsider coming with me? I have more than enough airline miles to get you a ticket. Think about it—you, me, the beach. I’ll buy you all the girly drinks you want. I promise to protect you from sharks.”

  “I’m not going to dominate your time with your friends. Besides, what would I do there?”

  “I taught you how to surf, remember?”

  I almost agreed because even the thought of watching Ethan on a surfboard riding a wave made me wet, but I shook my head. “Go and have fun. Don’t worry about me.”

  “What will you do?”

  Rachael and I had both decided to forgo going home for spring break, choosing to stay at Stanford since this was our last year here. We wanted to walk the beautiful campus, take pictures, and reminisce about our time here. We also wanted to spend some good old-fashioned girl time together.

  “I’ll probably stay at the dorm and hang with Rachael.”

  He shook his head. “Stay
here. This is your place whether I’m here or not. You can invite Rachael or Raj whenever you want. Besides, it’ll probably be more comfortable than the dorms.” He was so right about that.

  “Maybe. We’ll see. Raj is staying until tomorrow, so we’ll probably hang with him tonight.”

  “I’ll miss you,” he said, fixing a stray strand of hair behind my ear.

  “You already said that.”

  “I know.” His smiled widely. “We only have a little time left, and I feel like I’m wasting it.”

  This was dangerous territory. We avoided speaking about our timeline. “Ethan, don’t,” I pleaded.

  His smile turned impish, and I knew he was going to try to make me laugh. He had an ability to disarm my melancholy before it took root. “You know what I think, Sunshine?”

  “What?”

  “I think you should marry Raj.”

  “Huh?” I was completely baffled, but his smile didn’t fade.

  “Don’t you get it? You can be Raj’s beard, and I will be your lover. We’ll all live happily ever after.”

  I laughed and then contemplated his statement, tapping my fingers against his chest.

  “I was joking.” His tone was completely serious now.

  “It’s not a horrible idea, Ethan.” I narrowed my eyes, upset he’d come up with a brilliant idea only to dismiss it.

  “It’s stupid.”

  “Why?”

  “Because we’d all be living a lie. None of us would be happy.”

  He was right. It was enough that Raj and I would have to live a lie. Why force Ethan? He was the most well-adjusted person I knew—someone who was comfortable in the truth of who he was. Blanketing yourself in lies was something weak people did. People like me. “You’re right. It would never work anyway.”

  “I’m glad you see that.”

  “Yeah, Raj is Brahmin.”

  He stared quizzically. “So?”

  “Different castes. It’s all part of the social hierarchy in our society.”