Variables of Love

by M. K. Schiller

  “What choice do I have?”

  I swallowed, feeling the tears roll down my face. He wiped them away. “We can end things now.”

  “Why would I want to do that?”

  “So we can stop procrastinating and start healing.”

  He was thoughtful for a moment, and my whole body tensed, waiting for his response. He shifted toward me, placed his arm around me, and pulled me against his chest. “I choose us for as long as I can.”

  “Ethan, you can’t talk me out of this, so you have to promise to stop trying.”

  “You know I’ll never agree with it.” I opened my mouth, but he gripped me tightly, stopping the words from forming. “I won’t try to change your mind. I promise.”

  I started crying, and he held me against his chest. When the sobs were nothing more than breathy gasps, he spoke. “Come on, let’s go home. I believe you owe me something, Sunshine.”

  “What?”

  “Make-up sex,” he said.

  I had no idea how he could make me laugh, as emotional as I was, but he did.

  Chapter 23

  WE NEVER DISCUSSED the fight we had a few weeks ago, but it still hung in the tension-filled air around us. I was careful with her. I knew she was hurting. I had a feeling it was mostly because of what she was doing to me and not herself. So, I did as I promised and left it alone.

  The adult dinner party was my idea. It started when I was looking at her latest painting. She had done three so far. I loved them all, but this one was my favorite—a Rembrandt-inspired piece with the silhouette of a man and woman on opposite sides of the canvas, looking at each other against a backdrop of dark blue sky and golden stars. I was no art connoisseur, but her work was good.

  I told her she should exhibit her paintings somewhere. She reacted as if I’d suggested she strip in public. Maybe, in a way, I did. I was the only one who’d ever seen her work, and that seemed like such a waste.

  I suggested we throw a dinner party since we were going to be adult college graduates soon. I figured we’d invite our closest friends and display her art. She hated the idea at first, but I finally wore her down. In a way, it was a good distraction for both of us.

  I came out to the kitchen where she was slicing the garlic bread on the counter. I stood behind her, wrapping my arms around her waist. “It smells good.”

  “You smell good,” she replied, turning her head to kiss me.

  I moved her hair away from her neck. She had it down, and it was driving me crazy. “You smell good,” I replied, running my nose down her neck. “Don’t wear your hair like this again.”

  “You don’t like it?” She adjusted it self-consciously.

  I took her hand and kissed her wrist. “I like it too much. That’s the problem.”

  I backed up, gesturing to myself so she could inspect me.

  She grinned and adjusted my tie. “You look hot.”

  “I can’t believe you made me wear a suit.”

  “You said adult, so I told all the boys they had to wear a suit and all the girls to wear dresses. Otherwise, they would get no wine.”

  “Oh, if you threatened the alcohol, I’m sure they’ll be in appropriate attire.”

  “Speaking of that, I think we might need another bottle. Would you mind?”

  I looked at the two bottles on the counter. “With this crew, we’re going to need more than one.”

  She nodded, taking off her apron. I sucked in a deep breath between my teeth. She was wearing a new rust-colored dress that tightened around her curves and formed a deep V on her neckline, showing off the slightest bit of cleavage. She looked gorgeous, and it was making me horny as hell. “You look beautiful,” I said as I kissed her neck and nibbled on her earlobe.

  “Ethan, you should go. They’ll be here any minute.”

  “I don’t want to go. I want to come. You in that dress is turning me on something fierce. Come on, baby, we can do this quick.”

  She giggled against my chest. “Ethan, seriously.”

  “Fine, but…you. Me. Later.” I punctuated each statement with a hard kiss to her mouth. I headed toward the door, but added, “Dress is optional.”

  “I’ll be there,” she said, winking at me.

  “That’s good because I’d hate to start without you.”

  “Go!” she said, throwing a dishtowel at me.

  “Going.”

  Before I left, I glanced at her paintings displayed in the living room. I turned to her and smiled reassuringly. She was looking at them too.

  “They are really good, Sunshine.”

  “Of course you’d say that. You’re sleeping with the artist and totally biased.”

  I laughed. “True, but I’m being honest here. Besides, this is a risk for both of us.”

  She stared at me in confusion.

  “If it doesn’t go well, you might blame me and withhold yourself. I think I’m actually betting higher stakes here.” I shut the door as she threw another dishrag, even though it was nowhere close to me. “Your aim could use improvement, though,” I yelled through the closed door.

  Meena

  There was a knock on the door as soon as he left. I thought Ethan had forgotten his keys, but it was Raj and Phillip. Raj looked handsome in his traditional charcoal suit and red power tie. Phillip looked nice too, but in an unusual way. He was wearing overalls with a plaid shirt. Granted he did have on a lime green bow-tie and suit jacket, so technically he was in code.

  They both kissed me on the cheek. “Mia bella, good to see you,” Phillip exclaimed with flourishing hand gestures.

  “So, how come I didn’t know you painted?” Raj asked pointedly.

  “It’s just a hobby,” I replied sheepishly, making my way to the kitchen.

  “Where are these paintings?” Phillip asked.

  “In the living room.”

  I heard them both chat quietly while I filled their wineglasses in the kitchen. My hands were shaky. I wished I hadn’t sent Ethan out. He had the ability to relieve my agitation with his mere presence.

  I brought out the wineglasses, careful not to spill any liquid. “These are damn good, Meena,” Raj said, but I didn’t put as much merit in it as Phillip’s reaction. Raj was my friend after all.

  “They’re beautiful, just like you,” Phillip said, grinning as he extolled the virtues of each one. He finished with the painting on the couch. I soaked in his words, feeling foolishly giddy.

  “Thank you,” I said, exhaling the breath I’d been holding since they walked in. “I’m just getting dinner finished.”

  “Can we help?” Raj asked.

  “I’ve got it, but could one of you get the second easel? It’s in the closest in the guest bedroom. I think we might need the couch space.”

  “Let Raj go,” Phillip chimed in with a cynical smile. “He loves being in the closest.”

  I stared at both men, noticing the tension between them for the first time. Raj’s irritation was apparent, as was Phillip’s annoyance. This isn’t good.

  There was another knock, though, and I went to answer it, grateful to give them a minute alone after a comment like that. Rachael and Alex both hugged me.

  “These are great, Meena,” Alex said. He asked me questions about technique, lines, and shading that I was embarrassed I couldn’t answer with a true artist’s knowledge.

  “They are awesome, karma girl. I can’t decide which one I like the best,” Rachael claimed.

  “Do you always have issues making up your mind?” A question that loaded coming from mild-mannered, friendly Alex was a shock.

  “I like this one the best, Meena,” Rachael said, pointing to my rendition of swans in flight. She turned back to Alex, smiling sweetly. “See, it’s easy when I’m not being pressured.”

  I stared between the two of them, confused and uncomfortable with their unease with each other. I took Rachael’s hand. “I need your help,” I said, leading her toward the guest bedroom where Raj was. “Alex, can you please stir my sauce?
” I didn’t wait for his reply, practically dragging Rachael with me.

  Raj was coming out of the bedroom, easel in hand, when I pushed him back in. I shut the door and stared at both of them.

  “What’s going on with you and Phillip?” I asked Raj.

  “Is he hurting my sweet Rajesh?” Rachael asked, putting her arm around Raj. “Because if he is, I’ll bust his balls.”

  Raj laughed. “If you’re going to hurt him, do it above the belt, please.” It took a second for his meaning to dawn on us, but when it did, Rachael and I let out a simultaneous groan. “He’s just pissed that I’m not like him. His parents are so fucking supportive it’s sickening. They actually want to throw him some kind of gay pride party or something. He doesn’t understand that not everyone’s family is like that.”

  “Make him understand, Raj,” I said, clasping his hand.

  “I don’t know if I want to. I won’t come out to my family for him. I won’t for anybody. Whoever I’m with has to respect that because this is my choice.”

  I nodded, totally understanding his predicament. There was no real solution. Raj was also going to have an arranged marriage, but unlike me, he had been able to keep his parent’s from starting a search.

  “Rachael, what about you and Alex? What did he mean you have a problem making up your mind?”

  She smiled, but there was an innate sadness in it. “I got the internship in London.”

  “That’s great,” Raj exclaimed, hugging her. I was happy too, except I could see from Rachael’s expression she wasn’t. She had been dreaming of this internship since freshman year.

  “He doesn’t want you to leave?” I asked.

  “He’s actually very supportive of it. He wants us to continue our relationship while I’m abroad.”

  “I don’t understand the problem,” Raj said.

  “I love him, but I don’t think we can make it a whole year apart.”

  “They say absence makes the heart grow fonder,” I replied, knowing it was cliché, but I had no other words.

  “They also say out of sight, out of mind,” she muttered.

  “He loves you. He’s not going to cheat on you, Rach.”

  She sighed deeply, adjusting a stray red hair. “Meena, I’m not worried about him.”

  Oh. “Oh.”

  “Sunshine, are you going to stay in here all night?” Ethan asked, opening the door. As soon as he saw the three of us, his expression changed to guilt. “Sorry, did I interrupt?”

  “No, we’re done,” Raj said. “There’s nothing left to say.”

  Raj was right. There was no magic cure to solve our problems.

  We went on like nothing was wrong. Ethan, God bless him, did his best to be the perfect host, refilling everyone’s wine and conjuring conversations that passed as amicable. He turned on music, choosing “99 Problems,” not Jay Z’s version but one by an artist named Hugo that Ethan had introduced me to. Somehow the lyrics were soothingly ironic for all of us. Ethan sang the words to me, spinning me around in his arms while we were setting the table.

  Darren was the last to arrive. His appearance only added dangerous sparks to the tinder in the room.

  “Hey, beautiful,” he said, pulling me into a long embrace. I could smell the alcohol on his breath. “Not a lot of girls could get me to wear a suit, but I did it for you.”

  “Started drinking early, eh?” Ethan asked, coming behind me and placing his arm protectively around my waist.

  Darren shrugged.

  “Where’s Mandy?”

  “We broke up,” he announced.

  Although he didn’t treat her right, he had really cared for Mandy and had to be heartbroken. “I’m sorry, Darren,” I patted his arm, all the while feeling Ethan’s grip tightening.

  “What are you going to do?” Ethan asked. I almost wanted to tell him to shut up. This wasn’t the time.

  “Relax, Callahan. I’m not asking to move back here or anything. We decided to live together until the end of the school year.”

  “That must be awkward,” Ethan stated, but I could hear the relief in his voice.

  “I live with a girl that hates me. It’s not so crazy. You should know, we can learn to live with a lot of messed up stuff,” he replied, gesturing toward us.

  I instantly felt cold. Ethan confided in Darren, just like I confided in Rachael and Raj, but I had no idea Darren knew the detailed intricacies of our relationship.

  “Cut it out,” Ethan warned sharply.

  “Something smells good,” Darren commented, ignoring Ethan.

  “Meena’s been cooking all day,” Ethan said proudly.

  “Oh,” Darren didn’t hide his obvious disappointment. “So, we’re having curry, then?”

  I could feel the muscles in Ethan’s chest tighten. I gave him a pleading look and turned back to Darren, smiling so brightly it hurt. “You couldn’t handle the curry.” I took his hand. “Come see my paintings,” I said enthusiastically, leading him to the living room. “Ethan, please get Darren some wine.” Ethan groaned, but went to the kitchen anyway.

  I pointed to each painting and made some awkward small talk about them to relieve the tension. Everyone chatted away, but we were all on edge. The subtle things gave it away like an irritated eye roll from Rachael, Alex clutching the stem of the wineglass too hard, Phillip and Raj trying to avoid each other. Darren listened with rapt attention as I droned on about nothing of consequence.

  “What do you think?” I asked when I had run out of things to say.

  “I’m impressed, but I have to admit I’m disappointed too.”

  “Why?”

  “I was hoping for a nude—particularly a self-portrait,” he answered, smiling salaciously.

  I felt Ethan before I heard him. He practically shoved Darren’s wineglass at him. He clasped my waist, pulling me against his chest. “If such a painting existed, it would be for my eyes only.”

  Darren laughed like Ethan had made a joke. He held up his wineglass in a mock toast. “Not for long. Right, Sunshine?”

  Everything moved in slow motion. The harsh sound of flesh connecting to flesh as Ethan’s fist hit Darren’s jaw. “Get the fuck out of my house!”

  Darren was sprawled on the floor, the shattered wineglass lying in pieces around him. The blood oozing from his split lip mixed with the wine staining his white oxford. Raj and Alex moved swiftly, holding Ethan back from attacking again. Phillip helped Darren up.

  “Fuck, it was a joke, man,” Darren said, touching his mouth.

  “It wasn’t funny, shithead,” Ethan snapped, trying to free himself from the tight hold Alex and Raj had on his arms.

  “Don’t, Ethan. It’s not worth it,” Alex warned.

  “I’m sorry, Meena,” Darren said to me.

  “Shut the fuck up. Don’t talk to her. You don’t get to talk to her,” Ethan screamed, struggling against the restraint. I wasn’t sure what to do, but Ethan was going to break free any minute, and it looked like he wasn’t done with Darren.

  I turned around and put my hands on his chest, trying to block his view of Darren. “Stop it.” Amazingly, he did stop struggling, but his blue eyes were cold and hollow, full of fury. “Get a hold of yourself.”

  “You’re telling me to get a hold of myself?” he asked in disbelief.

  “Yes.” The demanding-yet-calm tone in my voice surprised even me. “This isn’t you.”

  Ethan took a deep breath and yanked himself free, stalking away from us.

  “Where are you going?” Raj asked.

  “To get a fucking hold of myself,” Ethan announced, slamming the bedroom door.

  Rachael found the first aid kit, and we fixed Darren up the best we could. Raj and Phillip cleaned up the mess. The wine had spattered on one of my paintings, but I didn’t care. I only cared about the boy I’d sent to his room for all intents and purposes.

  “I’m sorry, Meena,” Darren kept repeating.

  “At least he didn’t break a tooth,” Rachael offe
red as if it was a great consolation. Darren nodded, but he kept repeating his apologies to me like a skipped record.

  Rachael left to put away the kit and take care of my dinner, which I was pretty sure was a complete mess.

  I glared at Darren. “What’s wrong with you?”

  “I’m an asshole.”

  “No, I think you just play one on TV,” I retorted.

  “Say what?”

  “I know you’re a nice guy. This isn’t you. You’ve had too much to drink, and you’re upset because of Mandy, but you shouldn’t have said that.”

  “You’re right. I doubt he’ll forgive me this time.”

  “I’ll talk to him.”

  “You know he loves you, right?”

  I stared at Darren’s gray eyes in disbelief. “He told you?”

  “He didn’t have to.”

  “It doesn’t matter, Darren.”

  “You don’t love him?”

  “I didn’t say that. Raj is going to drive you home.”

  “Meena, I can—”

  “Raj is going to drive you home,” I said more forcefully. “I’ll talk to Ethan. He’ll calm down, and we’ll bring your car to your place tomorrow.”

  “But—”

  “I swear to God, I will punch your nose if you don’t listen to me right now.”

  He chuckled. “Okay, Sunshine. Thanks.”

  “Don’t call me that again,” I said.

  Darren’s eyes widened, but I gave him a comforting smile and squeezed his hand to let him know it was okay. Only Ethan could call me that.

  Raj took Darren home, promising to return shortly. Rachael asked me if they should all leave. I asked them for a few minutes to sort things out.