Variables of Love

by M. K. Schiller

  He clasped my hand and squeezed it. We sat there for a few minutes, not wanting to let the moment go. Finally, he stood up and took out an envelope from his pocket. He pressed it into my hand with both of his. “This is for you. I wanted you to have it.”

  I looked at the fat white envelope with the perfect block script, showing a single word, “Sunshine.”

  “You wrote me a letter?” I asked.

  “Sort of…but not exactly. I think you’ll understand.”

  He bent down and whispered gently in my ear, “Maybe I’ll just say, I hope he’s worthy of you. Goodbye, Meena.” He pressed a kiss to my forehead, and I watched him walk off.

  “See you in the next life,” I yelled, but I was all alone, and he was gone.

  I stared at the letter in my shaking hand. I knew I shouldn’t open it, should return to the party. People would be looking for me. Prem would be looking for me, but I had to know what it said right now.

  The envelope was stuffed full, so I had thought it would be a huge letter, one that would take me a long time to read. I used the light from my cell phone and smoothed out the pages. They were written in Ethan’s scratchy scrawl with random notes written in no particular order with no clear pattern. One said, “She always wears her hair up. Always.” Another, “We like the same music.” Another, “She is loyal and I like that. She is stronger than she thinks.” As I read on, they became more specific and intimate.

  I suddenly realized with alarming clarity what Ethan was doing. These were his errant observations about me that he had scrawled in his notebook. They were basically a litany of the thoughts he’d had throughout the year we were together. He’d told me once that he sometimes needed to get rid of the paper to get it out of his head permanently. That’s what he was doing. He was telling me he could move on. He was saying goodbye for the last time. I saw the ink smear as big, fat, salty droplets fell onto the page. I sat and read and cried for a long time. I looked like I was grieving, but then, it was appropriate since that’s exactly what I was doing.

  “Hey, there you are,” Prem said, jerking me from the letter clutched in my hand.

  He took one assessing look at me and the letter. He didn’t say anything. He only took the swing beside me. The one Ethan had occupied.

  “The party’s winding down. Your parents are looking for you.”

  “I’m sorry. I’ll go in,” I said, wiping my face, praying the kohl on my eyes wouldn’t smear. He clasped my arm as I was about to get up.

  “Let’s take a minute,” he said.

  I nodded gratefully and sat back down. He didn’t say anything else. Finally, I broke the silence. “I’m not what I seem.” The confession was whispered, but it sounded like it echoed.

  “Is anyone really?” he replied.

  “We don’t know each other.”

  “Tell me what I don’t know.”

  I stared at him, the brilliant blues eyes played off his striking features and caramel skin with perfection. He was a very handsome man.

  “I didn’t make the rice pudding kheer that first night you visited us. I know my mother told you that, but she made it. To be honest, I don’t even like it that much, so I’ll probably never make it for you.”

  He laughed. “I can cook. I’ll learn how to make it myself.” He shuffled his feet and swung back and forth for a second. He was wearing an expensive suit, but it was obvious he felt at ease. “I lied. I’m not a vegetarian.”

  “You’re not?” I said, amused by his confession.

  “No, I like meat, especially steak.”

  I was quiet for moment. “That’s okay as long as you don’t cook it in the house.”

  We both laughed, and it sounded good to me.

  “I love country music,” I blurted out.

  He chuckled. “That’s okay, as long as you don’t play it in the house.”

  I smiled. It felt comfortable with Prem. He was sweet, smart, and handsome. He was everything I wanted. I have found the man for me, so why does it feel so wrong?

  “I’m in love with another man,” I announced, not hiding my tears this time. “I’m sorry.”

  He was quiet for a moment. I expected him to be outraged, but he spoke very calmly. “Who?”

  “Ethan. You met him tonight.”

  “You’re in love with your best friend’s boyfriend?” he asked, his eyes widening, like that was more of a shocker than telling my fiancé I loved another man.

  “That’s just a lie we told a long time ago, but it’s time I told the truth.”

  He nodded, twisting his swing. “I’ll help you get over him.”

  I gasped. “You would marry me knowing I was in love with someone else?”

  Prem shrugged. “It’s not a deal breaker.”

  “How could it not be a deal breaker for you?”

  He didn’t answer right away. He took out his cell phone and began scrolling through it. I waited patiently, wondering if he was going to call my mother or something.

  “Look.” He held the phone up to me.

  I took it and stared at a picture of Prem and a gorgeous girl with shoulder-length black hair and an endearing smile. “She’s beautiful. Who is she?”

  “We were both volunteers for Doctors Without Borders in Haiti. She’s a doctor too.”

  I took my fingers and expanded the photo so I could clearly see her. “Do you love her?”

  “We had a summer fling. She was special to me, and I still think about her all the time. The point is, we’re not so different.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “What?”

  “She looks Indian.”

  “She is Indian.”

  “So, you could be with her, then. You could—”

  “She’s Muslim,” he replied, and I needed no further explanation. That was a harder row to hoe than what was going on with me.

  “I see.”

  “So, do we know each other well enough now? Has our little swing-set confession served its purpose?”

  I handed the cell back to him. “Prem, you are a wonderful man, but I can’t do this. I’m so sorry. If I hadn’t met Ethan, then there would be no doubt.”

  “But there is doubt?”

  “No, it’s more than doubt. It’s knowledge. I can be physically faithful to you, but I will never be emotionally faithful. Marrying you would be…” I was thinking of the phrase, and it hit me with such clarity, I almost bolted off the swing. “It would be living a lie.” The statement was Ethan’s, but in that moment, I completely understood and owned it.

  He was quiet for a moment, but he eventually smiled at me. “I understand.”

  “My mother is going to kill me.” I said it jokingly, but there was truth to the statement, and Prem knew it too.

  “We’ll tell our parents it was mutual. We weren’t compatible. It’ll be fine.”

  I took his hand and kissed it. It seemed like the right gesture for the gratitude I felt. “Will you try for her?” I asked, pointing to his phone. He was still looking at the picture.

  “It’s not just me I have to worry about. She has a family too. It’s a lot to give up.”

  “But you’d be gaining so much.”

  “Come on. It’s getting chilly out here, and we have some hearts to break.” He helped me up.

  “Hearts to break?” I asked him.

  “Yes, our parents’.”

  We both laughed, but it was uncomfortable because it was so true.

  Chapter 32

  BY THE TIME WE GOT BACK, almost everyone was gone. My mother looked at me with reproachful eyes and chided me for being so rude. They all looked at my tear-soaked face, blackened by the kohl eyeliner. Prem’s father said it was obvious we’d had a little lover’s spat. He said it was good we talked and made up, but it was far from what had happened.

  Prem and I had worked out that we’d break the news separately so the combined wrath of our parents couldn’t unite into an impenetrable force. Prem and his family left, saying pleasant goodby
es. I hugged his parents, knowing that they would hate me very soon.

  I scrubbed my face, changing into jeans and a T-shirt. I helped my mother with the dishes and cleaning. The party had been catered, so there wasn’t that much left to do. When everything was done, I took her hand and led her to the dining table. I asked my father to join us. He seemed slightly annoyed at having to turn off CNN just when Wolf Blitzer was warming up, but he came.

  “What is it?” he asked. “Are you apologizing?”

  “For what?” I asked.

  “For being so rude to all the people who came to congratulate you on this auspicious night.”

  I bit my lip. It was now or never. “Prem and I are not getting married.”

  I let the words sink in. My mother gasped and my father scowled. “What did you say to him?” he demanded.

  “It was mutual,” I said, hoping that Prem’s idea would help me. It didn’t seem to have any effect.

  “We can call him. We can go over there and talk to his parents. Make them understand,” my mother said.

  “Understand what?”

  “That you are sorry for whatever you did,” my mother answered as if I was a small child.

  “This is brilliant,” my father said, throwing his hands in the air. “We did everything you asked. You know that’s not even the way this works, but we did it because you were so stubborn about it.”

  “I was stubborn because I didn’t want this. Any of this.”

  “What the hell do you want, then?” my father asked through gritted teeth.

  “I’m in love with someone else. We met in college. I have loved him for a long time. I want to be with him…if he’ll have me.” A sudden fear gripped my heart because, in a way, Ethan had broken up with me tonight. He had let me go, and maybe that’s the way he wanted things. I didn’t dwell in that darkness too long.

  My father laughed cynically. “An American boy?”

  “Yes, he’s American…” I stared up at my father, narrowing my eyes defiantly, which was probably not the best attitude at this time. “American like me.”

  “I told you we should have moved back to India,” my mother bellowed.

  “Who is this Romeo you think is going to whisk you away to his Camelot?”

  “Romeo and Camelot are not in the same story, Dad,” I said.

  My father stood up so fast, the chair fell behind him. “Don’t be disrespectful to me, especially in my house. You know nothing. I’ve seen the way these people treat marriage and family. They don’t have the same standards we do.”

  “You’re wrong. Ethan is not like that. He loves me, and I love him.”

  “Ethan?” my mother spat. “You’re in love with Rachael’s boyfriend?”

  I cursed Rachael for making me have to explain this preposterous story yet again. “He was never her boyfriend. She just said that so you wouldn’t ask why I was friends with a boy. I’m not going to lie about it anymore. I don’t want to hurt you, but I cannot and will not live by your rules.”

  My father straightened and sighed. “Beta, I understand the hormones of young people. I am a doctor, after all, but things are different when you’re with someone full-time. You start seeing faults you didn’t know existed. That’s why in an arranged marriage you know what you’re getting.”

  “I know Ethan’s faults. All of them, and I love each one. He knows mine too. We lived together at Stanford, so I know him very well.”

  “Bloody bitch!” my father screamed, banging the table so hard, the centerpiece moved a few inches. I knew he wasn’t saying it to me. I had only heard him say the term a few times when he was very angry. It was a curse remaining from his British schooling.

  I stood up and walked toward the stairs, deciding I had given them more truth than they could handle for one night.

  “Where are you going? This isn’t over,” my father said as he followed me.

  I turned. “It’s over. I’m sorry I’m not doing what you want. I know you think I’m disobedient.”

  “Disobedient is one word. I was thinking ungrateful.”

  “Maybe, but I can’t live my life because of a mistake I made a long time ago.”

  “What are you saying?” He was so angry his face was red and his eyes huge.

  “Leave her alone,” my mother said, moving toward us. “She’s emotional and not thinking clearly. She’ll change her mind after a good night’s sleep.”

  I laughed sarcastically. My mother’s answer for my life was always a good night’s sleep.

  “I’m sorry Vijay died. I loved him too, and for a long time I blamed myself as you blamed me for his death.”

  “Shut up. Don’t bring him into this,” my father warned.

  “Why? Because we never talk about him? He was smart and nice. He loved science. He annoyed me because he was my brother, and I annoyed him, but we loved each other. We all did once.”

  “Yes, he was all those things, and he wouldn’t have done this. You are disparaging his memory.”

  “Dad, I didn’t kill Vijay. It wasn’t my fault. It was an accid—”

  “Shut up.”

  “No, I won’t. I didn’t mean it to—”

  I felt the sting of the slap before I could even comprehend the movement. I touched my cheek and stared at my father, a man who had never even spanked me in his life. Fresh tears invaded my eyes, but I didn’t just feel them for me. My father stood in shock, staring at his hand like it had acted on his own. Clearly, he felt remorseful for his actions.

  “I’m sorry,” he said solemnly.

  “I’m not.”

  Both of them gaped at me. My mother went to touch my cheek, but I backed away.

  “That’s the first sign of emotion you’ve showed me since he died. I’m glad you still have some in you.”

  I ran toward my bedroom. I flung myself on the bed and felt the wretched sobs take over my body. I cried for my brother, for my parents, and for myself. I didn’t know what was going to happen, but somewhere along the way, some crazy instinct told me I was crying for Mr. Mukopadhyay too. All the Mr. Mukopadhyays of the world. There were so many of us. It was time to leave this club…time to stop hiding and start living.

  Chapter 33

  I HAD PLANNED TO TAKE a flight out that night. Actually, I hadn’t planned anything, since I purchased a one-way ticket to begin with, but I went straight to the airport from Meena’s. All the flights were booked. I considered driving home in the rental car, but I was tired. I bought a T-shirt in the hotel store and some shorts to sleep in. Coincidently, the words “Lovers Choose Boston” were embossed on them.

  Raj texted me and insisted we should meet up for a drink. The poor guy tried really hard to cheer me up, but I was horrible company and headed up to my room at the Airport Hilton after one drink. I shut off my phone, not wanting to be disturbed again, and had a fitful night’s sleep.

  I arrived at my gate much earlier than I needed to. I just wanted to get home so I could start. Start forgetting about her. In some ways, I was glad to have met Prem. He was a good man who would take care of her. We hadn’t talked about her promise to me, but I worried about it constantly. I didn’t know him very well, but he was a decent person. In other ways, I wish I hadn’t seen her again. The image of her in that sari was something I’d never forget. I would dream of it.

  A shadow fell across me. I jerked my head up. Meena’s father stood above me. I instantly tensed. For a moment, I wondered if I’d fallen asleep and was having a nightmare. The man was tall with a thick thatch of salt and pepper hair. He had a demeanour that demanded attention. I felt like saluting him.

  “May I speak with you?”

  “Of course,” I replied, sitting up in my chair. He took the seat across from me. He was wearing an expensive suit, and I looked completely crumpled in comparison with bloodshot eyes, an unshaven face, and messy hair. I wore the wrinkled shirt and pants from the night before. This was definitely not the impression I wanted to make on Meena’s father.

  �
��I hear you’re in love with my daughter.”

  I was not sure what a heart attack felt like, but I was pretty sure I was having one. “Did she tell you that?”

  “I think you should refrain from asking any questions before I get my answers. It took a great deal for me to get here. Raj told me you were leaving today, and I missed you at the hotel.”

  “I left early.”

  “Obviously.” It was apparent this wasn’t going to be an amicable discussion.

  “Look, Mr. Kapoor—”

  “Dr. Kapoor,” he corrected.

  “My apologies, Dr. Kapoor—”

  “I would sincerely appreciate it if you stopped interrupting me.” It was ironic since he was interrupting me, but I quieted.

  He waited to make sure I wasn’t going to say anything further. “As I was saying, it took a great deal for me to catch up to you. They made me purchase a ticket to come back here. And when you’re a man that looks like me, purchasing a one-way ticket with no luggage…Well, let’s just say I would have been here forty minutes ago.”

  I would have laughed, except I knew he wasn’t joking.

  “I have some questions for you, and I expect complete honesty in your answers. Can you do that?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Do you think it was appropriate for you to corrupt my daughter? To have her turn her back on everything she had been brought up to believe?”

  I gulped. I wasn’t sure how to answer, especially since I had no idea how much he knew. The man was smart. It felt like he was interrogating me. “I wouldn’t use the term ‘corrupt.’ I don’t think she would either.”

  “Oh? How else would you identify it when you live with her and subject her to gossip in her community?”

  “Meena’s an adult. With the utmost respect to you, there was nothing corrupt about our relationship. I love her, and I give her nothing but respect.” I had used present tense, but the past tense didn’t feel right either.

  “Is that so? So, if she were to leave with you today, what would you do? Take her away and make her part of your life as long as she suited you?”

  I cleared my throat. I would not falter on this question. My answer rang true because it was in my heart. “Sir, if Meena had chosen me, I would not discard her. She would not be part of my life. She would be my life. But I will never ask her to make that choice, because that’s how much I love her.”