The Supervillain Field Manual

by King Oblivion, Ph. D.

  THE SUPERVILLAIN

  FIELD MANUAL

  Good (Bad) Praise for King Oblivion, Ph.D.,

  The Supervillain Handbook, and The Supervillain Field Manual

  “Without great supervillains, superheroes would have no one to fight but each other! King Oblivion, Ph.D., has performed a noble public service with The Supervillain Handbook and deserves the unbounded gratitude of every thinking comic book fan. Excelsior!”

  —Stan Lee

  “The Supervillain Field Manual: For when you’ve exhausted The Anarchist Cookbook and are ready to take the next step.”

  —Kelly Sue DeConnick, writer of Captain Marvel and Avengers Assemble

  “The Supervillain Field Manual is an insightful glimpse into the terrifying genius of King Oblivion, Ph.D. that builds on the groundwork laid in The Supervillain Handbook. Credit to Matt D. Wilson for his bravery in risking life and limb yet again to spread the word of the Malevolent Monarch; bequeathing to the reader the hard-earned wisdom of not only becoming a supervillain, but succeeding as one. [The Supervillain Field Manual is] a tome to strike fear in the hearts of the noble, and inspire generations of despots to come!”

  —David Marquez, Artist of Ultimate Spider-Man and All-New X-Men

  “The Supervillain Handbook offers advice on everything from planning mayhem and crafting dramatically evil rhetoric to recruiting minions and figuring out if you have the right motivation to build toward world destruction. . . . The author knows his stuff.”

  —USA Today

  THE SUPERVILLAIN

  FIELD MANUAL

  How to Conquer (Super) Friends and

  Incinerate People

  King Oblivion, Ph.D.

  (as told to Matt D. Wilson)

  Illustrated by Adam Wallenta

  Copyright © 2013 by Matt D. Wilson

  Illustrations copyright © 2013 by Adam Wallenta

  All Rights Reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without the express written consent of the publisher, except in the case of brief excerpts in critical reviews or articles. All inquiries should be addressed to Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018.

  Skyhorse Publishing books may be purchased in bulk at special discounts for sales paromotion, corporate gifts, fund-raising, or educational purposes. Special editions can also be created to specifications. For details, contact the Special Sales Department, Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018 or info@skyhorsepublishing.com.

  Skyhorse® and Skyhorse Publishing® are registered trademarks of Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.® , a Delaware corporation.

  Visit our website at www.skyhorsepublishing.com.

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  The supervillain field manual : how to conquer (super) friends and incinerate people / King Oblivion, Ph.D. (as told to Matt D. Wilson) ; illustrated by Adam Wallenta.

  pages cm

  ISBN 978-1-62087-633-6 (pbk. : alk. paper) 1. Criminals--Humor. 2. Comic books, strips, etc. I. Wilson, Matt D. II. Wallenta, Adam illustrator.

  PN6231.C73S86 2013

  818’.602--dc23

  2013002973

  Printed in China

  For Pud, of the Phantoms

  You’re too late, you ignorant whelp! This book has already put you on the path to your end!

  You hesitate to act. As you read these words, as your eyes dart from sentence to sentence, you feel . . . an intrusion. A burning sensation in the back of your neck. You choose to ignore it. You chalk it up to hypochondria. The feeling spreads upward into your brain and down through your spine. You begin to consider whether something has bitten you. Perhaps a spider stuck in your underwear? The feeling is too real to be psychosomatic. Something, someone, somewhere is causing this ever-growing pain, taking over your frail, feeble body.

  You try to stand. It’s impossible. You reach for your phone to call for help, but your arm refuses to heed your command. Your body is no longer yours. You cannot control it.

  Because I do.

  Mwa-ha-ha! I’m just messing with ya. You can move. Go ahead, wiggle around, I’ll wait.

  See? You’re fine. If you’re not, I didn’t have anything to do with it, and my lawyer, Intimidatrix, Esq., can attest to that.

  In my previous book, The Supervillain Handbook, which I assume you read, because you’re probably one of the thousands of poor souls I forced to read it at that old abandoned sawmill, I explained all the ins and outs of making a name for yourself in professional supervillainy. What you may not have realized when you finished that tome was that ending did not represent the end of the story; that is, your story of professional super-evil. Stories aren’t just beginnings . . . they have middles and ends. And though it seems like it’s only the beginners who need guidance, everyone who isn’t as naturally and awe-inspiringly dominant as I am occasionally needs a push one way or another, at all stages of his or her career.

  So here we are. You, me, and this guide: The Supervillain Field Manual. In these pages, you’ll learn the skills of finer manipulation, not unlike what I did to you in those opening paragraphs, you gullible, gullible, tadpole of a human being. You’ll come to understand that not all supervillainous acts are physically destructive ones, though that’s just as important. You can do just as much bad through public relations as you can with an industrial disintegrator (if you have any experience in PR, you already know this). You’ll learn that it’s simply not always possible for you to accomplish all your goals on your own (again, unless you’re me). You’ll learn that people you work with quickly become deadweight and need to be cut loose. And you’ll learn that, eventually, the time will come to hang up your tights or metal onesie or invisibility hat or whatever it is you wear.* You’ll also become aware that anything having to do with supervillains and superheroes, regardless of quality, will always, always get a sequel.

  Are you ready? It’s time to go from beginner’s badguyism to advanced evildeedsery.

  Let’s make this happen, if you can manage to turn the page.

  This is Max Badguy. Remember him? Not many people do. That’s why he needs this book.

  * Important Note: The day I retire is the day I take everyone else with me. Remember that.

  CONTENTS

  Prologue: A Quick Recap (Before I Break Your Kneecaps)

  Chapter One:

  Announcing Yourself

  Chapter Two:

  When You Lose

  Chapter Three:

  When You Win

  Chapter Four:

  Making Alliances

  Chapter Five:

  Dissolving Alliances

  Chapter Six:

  Accusations

  Chapter Seven:

  The Daring Escape

  Chapter Eight:

  Acquiring Power

  Chapter Nine:

  Wielding Power

  Chapter Ten:

  Preparing for Destruction

  Chapter Eleven:

  When the Carnage Happens

  Chapter Twelve:

  Money

  Epilogue: Leaving the Stage

  Appendix: The Supervillain vs. Media Glossary

  Prologue

  A QUICK RECAP (BEFORE I BREAK YOUR KNEECAPS)

  As I mentioned earlier, this is the second book in a progression of definitive (you can call them sacred if you’d like) instructional texts regarding the profession of supervillainy. If, for some reason, you didn’t read the section before this, maybe because you have some weird, infuriating habit of reading things out of order or you hate sections of books that don’t have headings—supervillains often
have weird tics, so I’ve seen them all*—that book is called The Supervillain Handbook. If, for some even less comprehensible reason, you didn’t read The Supervillain Handbook, allow me to shatter your kneecaps with my Telekinetic Gaze (I’m working on a trademark on KinetiGaze) after I provide you with a quick rundown of what you missed.

  Bear in mind that this summary should in no way serve as a substitute for reading The Supervillain Handbook in its entirety. You certainly don’t want to find yourself staring down the hammering fist of your local superhero or worse yet, the barrel of the death ray of a rival supervillain. The worst is finding yourself in a situation akin to only having skimmed the CliffsNotes for The Great Gatsby the night before you had to recite every word to the ghost of F. Scott Fitzgerald himself, nude.* (I know a guy this happened to once, and Fitzgerald’s ghost was terribly unforgiving.)

  But since we’re here now and it would probably be so difficult for you to put this book down and go buy another one on your tablet—by the way, we’re working on our own, new, exciting version of a tablet that gradually and permanently attaches itself to people’s hands and, over a few months, turns them into tablet people we then re-sell as tablets, which is pretty exciting—we’ll run you through the basics so you can continue:

  • Supervillains can be motivated by lots of things, but theatricality is the thing that truly separates the supervillain from the everyday jerk.

  • Advanced degrees or titles of nobility are the most effective doorways to instant supervillain status, though it’s also effective to kill an important person and assume his/her identity.

  • There are plenty of (in)appropriate goals for a supervillain to have: greed, bloodlust, power-madness, getting your rocks off, just plain being bat shit crazy—but the most important thing is knowing what will ultimately satisfy your hungry soul.

  • Choose a persona, nemesis, and costume for yourself that fits your MO, your skill set, and your name.

  • Never stop talking.

  • Superpowers are important, but they’re not everything. You can supplement or replace powers with technology. Whatever you get, you’re likely going to have to pay for it.

  • Henchmen are idiots, but you have to hire them for two key reasons:

  First, you need cannon fodder to throw toward rampaging superheroes with reckless abandon.

  Second, they’re unionized.

  • You’ve got to lay your head somewhere. It’s preferable that place also have a giant throne made of skulls and an escape hatch.

  • The grander your evil schemes and dastardly plans, the more likely you are to make a mark.

  • You will get punched in the face. You will go to jail. You will die and come back to life . . . probably multiple times. These come with the job. Deal with it.

  Short of me reducing every glossary definition and timeline entry down to a few letters, that’s a pretty thorough summary. I guess one other thing I should mention is that I used a machine called the Psychomonitor to steal every reader’s thoughts, and now I remotely control all their minds; but that’s merely a minor detail. Forget I even said anything!

  That was a pretty valuable start, if I do say so myself (and I do; don’t you dare question my judgment either, lest you find yourself bedazzled as a human jewel on my celebratory sparkle jacket), but you have so much more to learn. Last time around, I didn’t even get into how much of professional supervillainy is PR. You’ve got to be able to handle that shizz.

  So let’s get down to it.

  * Though that doesn’t mean I tolerate them.

  * This is not meant as an insinuation that The Supervillain Handbook is a comparable work to The Great Gatsby. I think we all know how far, far, superior the former is as a work of literature.

  THE SUPERVILLAIN

  FIELD MANUAL

  Chapter 1

  Announcing Yourself

  Alot of supervillains make one major mistake at the start of their careers: They think filling a bank full of purple gas to knock all the patrons out, then removing the vault by chaining it to a helicopter, then opening the vault by pouring acid on it, and finally draining that acid onto the city charter is enough of an event to get people to notice them. They think it’ll force people to learn their name. And, true enough, a stunt like that will get you some attention. You’ll get on the news; hell, they might even show your picture on there and an anchor may say your name a few times. But consider that the name they’re going to say is most likely going to be the one you were born with, not the one you took a lot of time and care coming up with (assuming it’s not ‘The Gasser’ or ‘Vault Absconder’ or something similarly half-assed). Why is that? Because you didn’t even bother to say it out loud, you closed-lipped imbecile! Also, nobody really watches the news anymore. Maybe your grandma, but odds are she made the costume for you* and none of this is going to be news to her.

  There’s an old saying, most likely coined by an idiot, quite possibly a superhero, which states that actions speak louder than words. I suppose actions say something, in that they technically say, “Hey, look at this thing I’m doing!” But it’s up to you to give those actions context. If you got anything at all from the previous book—and if you didn’t, what compelled you to read this one, a love of not fully comprehending wisdom?—it should have been the notion that the key to any effective supervillain act is making it a show. A spectacle. Something dramatic. Melodramatic, even. If you learn anything from this one, it’s this: People need to know your name. And they can’t know it if you don’t tell them what it is.

  Let’s take it even one step further. Your name shouldn’t just be one that people can identify when they hear it. You need to go beyond simply being a household name; you have to become an insomniac’s name, to coin a term.

  Here’s what I mean: People in your neighborhood, your ‘city, within a 200-mile radius or so, should stay awake at night wondering what you’re up to. “I wonder who he’s transforming into gelatin?” they might lie on their rock-hard mattresses thinking at 3:00 a.m. Or they’ll consider, “Has she shrunk to the size of a ladybug? Is she inside my safe, stealing all my bearer bonds right now?” in the dead of night while trying to grab some Z’s on the couch because they’re so scared to find that their waterbed is full of ladybugs again.*

  Supervillain FAQ: What should I do with my hair?

  Whether it’s the wavy craziness or Norman Osborn’s Brillo pad, the semi-sentient grip-strength of Medusa’s locks or the electric intensity of Livewire’s shock, the way you wear your hair says something about who you are. That’s especially true if you’re a supervillain, and you need everybody to know what your deal is the second they first set eyes on you.

  But which hairstyle works best for you? Consider these basic styles and customize to your liking:

  High and Tight

  If your shtick is some kind of pseudo-military, authoritative yell-casting, a nice buzz cut would be perfect.

  Bowl Cut

  Reserved strictly for Doctor Octopus. Sorry.

  Unreasonably, Unmanageably Long

  Enjoy your twelve hours of shampooing, lady villains!

  Bald

  It’s fine to Luthor it up. Go Luthor on ‘em! That goes for you too, ladies, after you get sick of having all that hair.

  Ponytail

  Perfect if your villainous persona is “douche.”

  Wild and Unkempt

  Do you think of yourself as a feral beast, unable to control your wild urges? Do you have fangs? Is someone having to read this to you because you’re too busy tearing into an antelope? If so, then this is a good choice for you.

  Pronounced Spikes

  You know, these might look terrific, but pretty much whatever you do, you’re going to be mistaken for a Dragonball guy. You don’t want to be mistaken for a Dragonball guy.

  Mohawk

  Perfect for punkish-thug-type supervillains. This is especially true if you’re some kind of animal-human hybrid and you need to prove that you still
know the streets.

  One of those Monk Cuts with the Bald Spot

  It would certainly be surprising.

  Cornrows

  You know, I haven’t really seen it that much, but why not? I’d think someone could pull it off.

  Green

  Hard to go wrong with green. Doesn’t much matter what you do with it if it’s green.

  An Incomprehensible Optical Illusion

  Terrific if you need a distraction so you can escape from superheroes without having to bother with a fight.**

  Helmet that You Never Take Off

  Not actually hair, but you don’t need to worry about your hair if no one ever sees it. And who knows? Maybe you burned the helmet to your head and it doesn’t come off anymore. Perhaps you could style the helmet to look like hair for special occasions.

  Sentient

  Having hair that does your bidding is downright awesome, but you have to be careful. It can rebel, and there’s nothing quite as obnoxious as trying to put down a pesky nuisance that is made of hundreds of thousands of individual strands.

  All over Your Body

  Are you a gorilla? This is your only real choice. If you are not a gorilla, I’d advise against it.

  So how do you broadcast yourself, your name, your actions, your face, your laugh, a ton of hypnotic spiral-patterns, so pervasively into people’s lives? You have a few options, all of which you may want to take advantage of. The more you get yourself out there, the more sleepless nights you’ll be causing.

  Write an Open Letter

  In the old days, back when I was getting into the supervillainy game, there was a very clear, very well-established process for letting everyone know who you were and that you were ready to shoot some monuments into space. What you did was write a letter to your local newspaper, maybe in your own handwriting or possibly in cut-out letters from a magazine. It didn’t really matter how you wrote it, because you’d be signing it anyway. After all, you’d be getting your name out there. For some added flair, you’d tied it to something—like a brick or a time bomb or a city councilman’s mustache—and have a shadowy henchperson drop it off at the front desk.