The Supervillain Field Manual

by King Oblivion, Ph. D.

  Everybody wants to take a shot at you.

  Say, for instance, that 12 million simoleons suddenly goes missing from the city treasury because the mayor wanted to take all twenty-four of his mistresses on a $500,000 vacation to Goldland (the area of Antarctica made of gold that only rich people know about). News gets out. If the mayor says all the stuff about him and his mistresses are fabrications, and, in fact, that supervillain lady who robbed $11 million from the treasury last year did it, who do you think people are going to believe?

  Or, let’s say a guy cuts the brakes on a subway train he knows his wife’s going to be on so he can get her out of his hair and collect some sweet insurance money. But when he’s on trial, he pawns the blame off on you, the Anti-Transit Man. That’s not even kind of fair.

  Supervillain FAQ: What media should I trust?

  I have been talking quite a bit about the media and how you should distribute your various evil messages, and many of you have spent a lot of time thinking** about whether any particular news outfit is better suited to your purposes.

  The short answer is no. Just about any media outlet is going to treat you the exact same way: They’ll keep you at arm’s length, as you’re one of society’s bad apples, but they’ll also put anything and everything you do in their publication/program/blog/vlog/tweets, because people are fascinated by crazy weirdoes like you. As long as you know how to tantalize and keep them in the palm of your hand—it involves a lot of anonymous letters and very little outright begging for attention—they’ll put anything you want said out there.

  That said, it’s still worth considering what type of news media is best for the particular types of evil missives you want to broadcast to the world. So here’s a quick checklist:

  Newspapers

  Send messages to these when you wish to keep your appearance hidden, you have a complex message that won’t come through well via broadcast media, or you need to speak directly and quickly to the very elderly. Take over when you need an editorial page in which to complain about local taxes.

  Television

  Perfect for when you want everyone to remember your face, your plan is simple enough to bark out in a ten-second sound bite, and you’re being sponsored by a local furniture chain. Take these over when you’ve kidnapped the mayor and you need to prove it by tying him up to a giant prop Lincoln head or candy cane on a local game show set.

  Radio

  Use when your plan involves inane chatter about national celebrities and/or high school football. Take over these stations when your plan requires unlimited access to every Night Ranger song.

  Blogs

  Alert bloggers about what you’re doing when you need a younger, in-the-know audience of about 100 people or less to know what you’re up to. Take over a blog whenever your plan requires daily emoticon-based updates regarding how you’re feeling.

  Online Video

  For villains with cat-related or lip syncing powers only.

  Social Media

  Use when your master plan involves a change in your relationship status and is also only about two sentences long. Take over a social media site when you want to become the richest person on Earth, even though you make no actual money.

  Books

  Don’t mess with books. I got books.

  My point here is this: It sort of doesn’t matter whether the accusations against you are true. People are going to be inclined to believe you did just about anything that’s illegal or destructive or vindictive or costly, even if it’s impossible, because as far as they know, you’re basically responsible for everything bad that happens. And you know what? You can’t really blame them. I mean, do blame them, because it’s our job to blame everyone for everything that could even somewhat be perceived as a slight, but we’ve so far spent this entire book—or at least a big chunk of it—talking about how you can establish that very reputation. It only makes sense that you’re going to pop into people’s heads the second someone else’s head explodes.

  A lot of times, it’s pretty awesome when you can take credit for nigh-impossible shit you didn’t even do. But what you’re looking for is credit, not blame. You want all the glory that comes with evil deeds you may or may not have done, but as soon as uniformed authority figures with restraining garments start approaching your lair gates about those things, it’s time to get busy denyin’.

  Fending Them Off

  Lengthy trials and tribunals can be terribly time-consuming, and every second you spend in a courtroom is precious time you could be spending devising ways to set your arch-nemesis’s bed sheets on fire. It’s just wasted life . . . which is why it’s important to try and clear your name. Again, whether you actually did the crime or not is irrelevant, just make sure you do it as quickly and simply as you can. Try these methods of making things easier for yourself:

  Have a Well-Defined Gimmick

  If you’ve got ice powers or a freeze ray, make sure everyone within your reach knows that’s your deal. Put it in your name, like, if you’re an older fellow, use Freezer Pop. I don’t think that’s taken. That way, when people in the town square are being burned with acid to the point of disfigurement, the coppers won’t come calling for you (even if you, Freezer Pop, also have a thing for throwing acid at people).

  Deflect

  We supervillains aren’t above pawning the blame for stuff off on our peers and colleagues. So do it. Point every finger you have at your similarly evil neighbor and skip town.

  Blame it on Your (Even More) Evil Twin

  Acquire a fake mustache (women, this can work for you, too), maybe some thick glasses, and voila! Suddenly, you are no longer yourself, but your heretofore never-beforeseen sibling named, let’s say, Fernando. The problem with this one, of course, is that you’ll still have to attend court proceedings, just in the costume. Consider using a robot or something.

  Blame Society

  Okay, yes, maybe you did infect everyone at the opera with a virus that made them cry nonstop for an entire year. But the schools are really to blame for it! Or the superhero that punched you and damaged your brain! Or those video games and rap music!

  Video games can also be effective.

  Tamper with the Evidence

  Is there video of you committing the crime? Edit it so that it looks like your superhero enemy is doing it. Eyewitnesses got you dead to rights? Erase their memories. Detectives found your prints at the scene? Get new hands. Police caught you right in the middle of the act? Sink the state.

  WORST PRACTICE IN ACTION: Sinestro Blames His Future Crimes on the Tribunal

  All it took for those ring-distributing space weirdoes in the Guardians to get all cheesed off at Sinestro was for him to conquer his home planet and rule over it as a dictator. Doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to me, but the Guardians seemed to think it was a problem, so they banished the purple, mustachioed one to the antimatter universe. Sinestro didn’t take the punishment lying down: He told the Guardians that any evil tendencies he gained while imprisoned was on them. Specifically, he said, “Whatever I become, you have made me!”

  Teaching Moment: Anything that’s “wrong” with you? That’s just society, man. Society did this. Remember that.

  Weathering Them

  Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to avoid it, an allegation will stick and you’ll have to simply deal with the consequences.* In particular, you’ll have to make sure assertions that you committed crimes which don’t fit with your established persona or performed actions (like laying blame on someone else after you took credit for the deed) don’t somehow weaken your personal brand.

  If your brand is strong enough, then you can probably take the hit. But if you are only starting to get off the ground, you may need to take some fairly drastic steps. One thing you could do is have a henchman or clone start appearing everywhere as you for a couple weeks, then stage a very public and potentially embarrassing “death.” Then, a few weeks later, make a triumphant return to the spotlight, announcing t
hat the you which everyone had been seeing for the past few months—including when you supposedly did that thing that is not at all something you would ever do—was an impostor who obviously didn’t know what they was doing.

  Another thing you could do is claim your body had been temporarily overtaken by another supervillain’s consciousness (or a bad writer whose work everyone should just ignore). That kind of garbage actually happens pretty often, so it won’t be that hard for people to swallow.

  Or you could sink the state and start over from scratch. Sometimes, no joke, you have to sink a state.

  Turning the Tables

  A moment ago, I mentioned the value of deflecting blame toward another supervillain. If there aren’t any other supervillains around to throw under the bus (figuratively or literally), then you can always take the same approach to your accusers; be they superhero or regular old Joe Schmucko. But it’s going to take a little bit of extra work to make sure a he said/supervillain said scenario turns out in your favor. For whatever reason, people are going to have a tendency not to believe your word against some “upstanding” citizen’s, or a judge’s, or even an orphans. You’re going to have to nudge it, thusly:

  Start by maligning your accuser’s character. Everyone’s got something they don’t want people knowing, and that can instantly ruin their credibility. The lucky-for-us part of this whole court of public opinion setup is that it doesn’t even matter if your accuser’s indiscretion is even anywhere close to the same league as yours. Let’s say you’re accused of turning a city block full of people into multicolored powder. All you have do is prove that the person accusing you cheated on his wife or slid by without paying his full income taxes one year. That’s all you need! And if you’re too busy coming up with your next plan to turn people into dust, you could always hire some patsy private eye. They’re always patsies.

  The even more direct route would be to simply fabricate something really weird or untrustworthy about your accuser, like you say maybe he or she likes to eat cats alive or ties people’s shoelaces together or tosses babies around like footballs. It doesn’t even have to make sense; just get it out there in the grapevine through some anonymous agents. Remember that it needs to look like it didn’t come from you, and no matter how ludicrous it is, it’ll put your target on the defensive and get TMZ talking.

  Once the public’s trust in your accuser is threatened, convince everyone that they actually did the crime. This maneuver, called the “smelt-it-dealt-it gambit,” takes a little bit of finesse, but you can definitely pull it off. All you need is a hypnotism machine, some mind-altering chemicals, a time machine, a perfect doppelganger of your accuser or some combination of the four, and you can make your accuser the accused. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander . . . that son-of-a-bitch gander.

  All in the Shine: The Importance of Branding

  Earlier, I mentioned how having a strong brand can be a big help in throwing the authorities off your scent when the crimes of the day don’t fit your established gimmick. That’s why Madame Caterpillar gets away with all those puma attacks.

  But that’s not all having a strong brand can get you. Allow me to share the following story of a villain whose odd, yet serendipitous name, led to infamy and notoriety beyond his wildest dreams.

  Uh, hey. So, uh, my name is like, Come At Me Bro. I’m a supervillain. My power and stuff is that if, like, bros come at me, I can, like, stop them from coming at me. I’m really awesome at it. Like, I hold up my hand and they just stop. Then I can beat ‘em up or whatever. I usually pick up and leave to go play some Madden with my brahs, though.

  Anyway, I was this supervillain who nobody really knew very well for a few years. People thought my name was weird and stuff. They didn’t get it. Superheroes got so confused by my name that they didn’t even bother to come at me, bro! They just called their friends to try to understand what I was saying. It was pretty messed up.

  It was cool, though, because a few years ago there was this thing on the Internet, you know, like a meme.** People would take pictures of cats or, like, He-Man, and put, ‘Come at me bro’ on them. I don’t know if I started it somehow or what, but the pictures are all over the Internet now. You can search for them on Google. I’ll show you on my phone right now, see?

  Actually, I guess the reception’s pretty bad down here. But you can look it up later. It’s totally true.

  So after that meme started, people started thinking I took my name from it or that I inspired it or whatever. I got phone calls to be on TV shows and stuff. Banks invited me to come rob them so the employees could all laugh about it on the Internet. Like, the Internet is funny, I guess. It felt kinda weird to do that, but they let me keep the money, so it’s all good.

  Now, I’m one of the most, like, popular and well-known supervillains. If people want to hire someone to come fight a superhero for them or whatever, a lot of them come to me because of that stuff from the Internet. People hire me for their business conferences and stuff. It’s like pretty crazy and shit.

  Hey, Mr. Oblivion? Dr. O? This room has been filling up with water for the past half hour or so. What’s up with that? It’s getting pretty close to my mouth and nose, dude. Can you maybe get a drain in here or something? That might be pretty cooggaggggagrarglr.

  Kids sure do have some odd slang these days, don’t they? Anyway, I hope you all took a valuable lesson from this: Pick a name that may become popular on the Internet someday, and people will ask you to come commit crimes for them. You won’t have to earn it or anything! You can just be some young jerk who has everything handed to you.

  I hope you learned.

  * I’m looking at you, guy, who keeps skipping around through the chapters. They’re in this order for a reason, you uncultured son of a bitch.

  ** Reminder: I own your thoughts.

  * More on evading the legal consequences of your actions in Chapter 7.

  ** Important Note: He pronounced it “mehm.” He’s a real piece of work, this guy.

  Chapter 7

  The Daring Escape

  Jail time.

  Imprisonment.

  Incarceration.

  A trip up the river.

  A vacation to the crossbar hotel.

  A visit to the house of numbers.

  That period during which a lot of other

  people of your same sex tried to have sex

  with you in various ways, whether you

  wanted them to or not.

  Whatever you may call it, prison is an essential fact of life for the supervillain. Despite all your efforts to fend off every finger pointed your way, something is eventually gonna stick. Some jerkoff superhero is going to crash through one of your expensive windows and rat you out to the fuzz. Then a judge is going to make an example out of you, fast-tracking your case so that you make a hasty trip to a supermax. You may occasionally slip the noose by replacing your body with decoys or through sheer intimidation, but it’s going to happen. You’re going to go.

  You have infinite ways to whittle away your time there: learning a new trade; reading every book in the library; building a ship in a bottle; learning to make wine out of urine; starting a social group or “gang,” based on ethnicity and/or tattoos; trying to see how many other people you can shank in the stomach in a fifteen minute period; and working to improve your score each week.

  Whatever you do to pass the time, you shouldn’t spend too much of your downtime fitting in with the general population. Those peasants and layabouts are mostly decent people who got caught trying to sell some drugs or smothered their husbands in a crime of passion. They’re not truly evil. Trying to build friendships or partnerships with them is like walking into your henchmen’s quarters and asking them to play you in a game of rummy—a complete waste of time that probably would have been better spent trying to ferment pee.

  The old ways don’t work anymore.

  As wonderful as the delights of piss-wine are, that really isn’t the optimal us
e of your prison time either. At least, not all of it. As you indulge in the occasional sip of Peenot, you should be working day and night on your escape plan. Yes, it’s true that you will most likely exit prison one way or another—supervillains get out, and that’s the way it is—but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to put some effort into it. Who told you that it was okay to sit back and expect the prison doors to open up so you could just walk right out? I know you’re thinking it. It wasn’t me who told you, that much I know, you slovenly lump of purposeless cells.*

  Supervillain FAQ: Should I pet a cat?

  The classic James Bond villain, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, famously said, “Kill Bond! Now!” After which his cat said, “Mwrwaaarrarrrr!”

  Because of classic moments like that, it’s become a common trope for villains—especially those who go up against super spies—to constantly be accompanied by a feline companion. From Blofeld to Gargamel, to Dr. Evil to Dr. Claw, cats, particularly those with an affinity for bejeweled collars, have a long history in evil ventures.

  But is it the best (worst) choice for you, the supervillain? You’re no mere Bond villain (whom you should never mistake as “super”), but it could be a viable option. It depends.

  First: How important are your hands?

  A cat in your lap or in your arms means all the difference if your nemesis is the type who throws knuckles first and saves their clever quips for when you’re in duress on the floor. It might be a good idea to have a pillow nearby, onto which you can throw your cat in case you need to quickly toss him or her aside. That, or you should be sure to have an endless supply of cats on hand, in case you accidentally keep throwing them into paper shredders or something.