Love Inc.

by Yvonne Collins

  Once we’re off school property, Syd announces that we’ve got our first Love, Inc. revenge client from Austin High. ‘His name is Drake,’ she says. ‘He plays soccer with Leo, who put us in touch.’

  Drake has just discovered that his girlfriend has been seeing someone else for months. Worse, the girl’s only been keeping him around because of the free makeup samples Drake’s dad brings home from work. Taking tacky to the extreme, the girl and her new guy are selling the makeup online and making a nice profit.

  ‘I’ve come up with a plan that’s pure genius, if I do say so myself,’ Syd says, as we take our usual circuitous route to St. Joe’s, hoping to avoid being seen by our schoolmates. ‘We’ll have Drake give her one last – mislabeled – product that makes her skin burn. Kind of like a scarlet letter, but for the face.’

  She waits for our reaction, and is clearly disappointed when Kali, unconsciously touching her own pretty face, says, ‘I don’t know, Syd. That seems cruel.’

  ‘It’s a perfect punishment,’ Syd insists. ‘I’m not going soft just because the target’s a girl.’

  ‘But it’s her face, Syd,’ I say. ‘What if it causes scarring or something?’

  ‘Besides,’ Kali says, ‘it’s our first case with an Austin student.’

  ‘She’s right,’ I say. ‘If the girl ever found out who was behind the slam, our life would be hell.’

  Syd stares straight ahead, and no matter how hard I work to convince her that we’re not ganging up on her, she gives us the silent treatment. ‘We’ll think of a plan together,’ I say. ‘Right after group.’

  ‘Come on,’ Syd says at last, turning down a side street.

  ‘But we’re going to be late,’ Kali says.

  ‘You guys owe me,’ Syd says.

  Reluctantly, we follow her to her mom’s apartment to pick up Banksy. Somehow, facing Dieter’s disapproval is easier than facing Syd’s.

  Group is already in progress when we arrive, and as expected, Dieter makes a show of jotting down the time in his book. ‘That’s twice,’ he says. ‘If you’re not careful, I may start to think you girls aren’t taking this seriously.’

  He turns his attention back to Simon, who’s pleading with Lauren: ‘You don’t understand. She’s like the Marge to my Homer.’

  ‘You can’t have both,’ Lauren declares. ‘Either break it off with Trisha or forget about Marge.’

  ‘Are you kidding me?’ Kali asks. ‘You still haven’t dumped your girlfriend?’

  ‘I tried to do it last weekend, but I couldn’t,’ Simon says. ‘She got fired from the dollar store and came home to find out that Watson had croaked.’

  ‘Her dog?’ Syd says, automatically scratching Banksy’s ears.

  ‘Her turtle,’ Simon says.

  Evan laughs hysterically. ‘Dude, she’s playing you,’ he says. ‘I’ll bet her women’s institution warned her you were going to give her the heave, and she made up a sob story to keep you.’

  ‘That’s women’s intuition,’ Dieter says, shriveling Evan with a blast of pale eyes.

  ‘I saw the corpse,’ Simon says. ‘And I know how much she loved Watson.’

  Lauren whacks Simon with her latest fancy purse. ‘You’re grasping for excuses.’ She looks to me for support. ‘I think Simon needs professional help.’

  ‘Dude’s already in therapy,’ Evan says. ‘Let Dieter decide. Should Simon dump girlfriend number one for what’s beneath T-shirt number two?’

  ‘I’m not here to fix your love lives,’ Dieter says. ‘But I always encourage you to behave like mature adults. And mature adults do the right thing, even when it’s the tough thing.’

  ‘You’ve got do it,’ Kali says. ‘If you ever loved Trisha, you owe it to her to give her a clean break, so she can move on. Otherwise, you’re just punishing her for your weakness.’

  ‘Make it fast and clean,’ Syd says. ‘That’s her best hope to bounce back. You owe her that.’

  ‘Fast and clean,’ I agree. ‘And take the full blame on yourself. Because you’re the one who changed, not her.’

  Simon pulls his baseball cap down and stares at the floor, huddled under the shell of his old leather jacket. Fast and clean aren’t in this turtle’s repertoire.

  ‘Let me get this straight,’ I say, staring at Lauren and Simon across the table. ‘You want me to dump Trisha?’

  ‘More like broker the breakup,’ Kali says, proving she’s in on the plot.

  ‘And I’ll pay for it,’ Lauren adds. ‘It’s my birthday gift to Simon, and a charitable donation to girlfriends everywhere.’

  Simon stays quiet, but I notice he hasn’t touched his cookie.

  ‘Forget it,’ I say. ‘He can do his own dirty work.’

  ‘You did it for Sinead and Leo,’ Syd says. ‘And look how well that turned out.’

  ‘They’d already agreed that the relationship was over,’ I protest. ‘Simon’s girlfriend thinks they’re solid. It’ll be a bolt from the blue.’

  ‘All the more reason to put an end to the lie,’ Syd says, glaring at Simon over her coffee cup. ‘And doing other people’s dirty work is one of the reasons we got into this business.’

  ‘Besides,’ says Kali, ‘It’s not for Simon, it’s for Trisha. She’s stuck in a relationship with a guy who’s into someone else. We can’t stand by and watch. It’s inhumane.’

  I look around the table at four sets of hopeful eyes, and crumble. ‘Fine. But I’m charging extra if there are tears.’

  ‘Please don’t be upset. Do you need another tissue?’

  I nod and hold out my hand, afraid to speak in case I start sobbing again.

  Trisha passes me the whole box and sits down on the sofa beside me. I came to her house after school because Simon assured me she has the place to herself Friday afternoons. ‘I’ll be fine,’ she says, although her eyes are glistening, behind funky blue glasses. ‘It’s just been a bad week.’ She pulls her feet up off the floor and tucks them under her legs. Five feet one and petite, she barely makes a dent in the seat cushions.

  ‘I heard about Watson,’ I say, dabbing my eyes. ‘I’m so sorry.’

  This is ridiculous. There were no tears at my dress rehearsal with Oliver James and Gordon Ramshead. I’ve never had a pet, and I hate reptiles. The only explanation I can think of for my behavior is that it’s like experiencing the breakup I never had with Eric. I deserved closure, and as satisfying as trashing his car was, it wasn’t full closure.

  Trisha pats my shoulder. ‘To be honest, I’m more upset about losing my job than losing the turtle. I’ll miss the people I worked with. It’s like two breakups in one week.’

  ‘You’ll see your friends,’ I say, passing the tissues back as she dissolves in tears.

  ‘But not Simon. I really thought we were solid.’

  So solid, in fact, that she refused to believe it when I first delivered my news, and called Simon for confirmation. ‘I’m so sorry’ is all he managed to croak before she hung up on him, and turned to me for the full story.

  ‘He likes someone else,’ she says, covering her face with her hands. ‘How could I be so blind?’

  ‘It’s not you, it’s him,’ I say. ‘And if it’s any consolation, Simon couldn’t bear to break up with you himself because he still cares about you. He feels awful.’

  ‘Not awful enough to resist this other girl,’ she says, taking off her glasses to wipe her eyes.

  ‘Trust me when I say I know how much it hurts. But you deserve better than someone whose heart isn’t fully in it,’ I say. ‘Now you can get out there and meet a guy who’s crazy about you.’

  I realise that’s easy to say, harder to do. When someone’s played you, it doesn’t just wreck you once, but over and over, each time you try to trust someone again.

  ‘No one’s ever going to love me,’ Trisha sobs. ‘I’m a total loser.’

  ‘Do you think I’m a loser? Because my last boyfriend had not one but two girls on the side. And I didn’t have a clue.’


  I tell Trisha all about the Eric fiasco, not sparing a detail.

  When I finish, she hugs me. ‘I’m so sorry. You must feel horrible.’

  ‘I still do,’ I admit. ‘But you know what I’ve realised this afternoon? If we let these guys ruin our lives, we’re idiots.’

  Trisha dries her eyes and forces a smile. ‘You know, for the Grim Reaper, you’re really not that bad.’

  I lie back on the bench in the trailer, having commandeered Syd’s favorite spot. She’s not the one with the raging headache.

  ‘I still can’t believe you cried,’ Kali says, passing me two aspirin and a glass of water.

  I settle a gel mask over my eyes. ‘Fast and clean it was not.’

  I’m disappointed that I didn’t handle the whole thing better. It was supposed to be about Trisha and ended up being about me. Professionals don’t get personally involved. They stay cool and detached. Clinical, like Dieter. I have no idea how he does it.

  ‘A dumping service is a bad idea,’ I say, glaring at them through the eyeholes in the mask.

  ‘Au contraire,’ Kali says, digging a bottle of nail polish out of her bag. ‘Thanks to you, Trisha can move on. And for the record, “Termination Service” will look better on the Love, Inc. menu.’

  ‘She called me the Grim Reaper.’

  ‘What you need is more practice,’ Syd says.

  ‘Not going to happen,’ I say. ‘It was too hard.’

  Kali looks up from the table, where she’s applying a coat of orange polish to her nails. ‘Focus on what you’ve done for Trisha,’ she says. ‘She’d have wasted months, falling more and more in love with Simon until he finally got the guts to tell her it was over. Or worse, she could’ve run into him with his Marge one day and been really crushed.’

  ‘You did a good job, Z,’ Syd says. ‘Trisha’s already recommended you to a friend. She said you made a horrible experience bearable.’

  ‘Really?’ My headache starts to recede instantly. ‘I guess you could say we’re not working for cowards, but helping their partners get free of them?’

  Kali makes a sweeping check mark with her nail polish brush. ‘Exactly.’

  ‘A hundred bucks a pop, minimum,’ Syd adds. ‘Cowards deserve to pay big.’

  Kali nods. ‘At that price, only the truly messed up will come to us. And if you’re seeing someone that messed up, you need to know about it.’

  ‘Remember our mission statement,’ Syd says. ‘We bring people together in happiness until a relationship runs its course, and then help them find closure.’

  ‘Then we help them find happiness with someone new,’ Kali says, holding up her hands to admire her nails. ‘Trisha has hired us to find her a match, and I’m thinking Luke might be a fit.’

  ‘I guess the odd termination won’t hurt,’ I say.

  ‘Great,’ Syd says. ‘Let’s move this meeting along to new business.’

  ‘OK,’ I say, sitting up. ‘I got a call from a friend of Trey’s today about doing a surveillance case. We have to dangle the bait and see if the client’s boyfriend takes it.’

  ‘No problem,’ Kali says. ‘I’m good to go.’

  ‘Sorry, Kal, you’re not right for the job.’

  ‘What? The guy doesn’t like blondes?’

  ‘The guy doesn’t like girls.’ I pull out a photo of two cute guys with their arms wrapped around each other. ‘Dylan’s offering courtside seats to the next Spurs home game. We need to find someone to test his boyfriend’s loyalty.’

  ‘I’ve got just the guy,’ Kali says. Preserving her nails, she uses a pencil to select a name on her phone’s contact list. ‘Hey, Brody, it’s me. Someone just offered me a courtside seat to the Spurs game against the Lakers next week. Are you interested?’

  Syd and I start to laugh, and Kali holds a finger to her lips.

  ‘There’s no catch,’ Kali continues. ‘Well, nothing major. All you have to do is flirt with someone while you’re there, and let me know if they flirt back.’ She winks at us while Brody rattles on. ‘Yes, it’s for Love, Inc. We’re expanding our services a little. Anyway, I promise, this person is super hot. Forty bucks! Are you kidding me? It’s a courtside seat to a sold-out game.’ She looks to Syd and me, and we nod. ‘OK, it’s a deal. But if you get a relationship out of this, Brody, we want a refund.’

  I pull back the curtain and peer out at the neighbor’s house. Their porch is decorated for Halloween, with carved pumpkins and strings of skeleton lights. In the twilight, I make out the form of a possum plodding through the fake gravestones on the lawn.

  I called Mom an hour ago to say I’d be having dinner at Kali’s tonight. She didn’t put up a fight because I don’t move back to Dad’s for another two days. She will have the pleasure of listening to me bicker with Nani all weekend.

  There’s a scratching noise at the trailer door followed by a low whine. Banksy’s nails clatter on the metal steps as he comes inside. Syd follows, carrying a bag of Chinese takeout.

  The trailer fills with a wonderful aroma as Syd unpacks the food and sets it on the table. ‘I got spring rolls for Kali, and fried chicken balls for Zahra.’

  ‘How did you guess?’ I ask, dipping a chicken ball into a carton of bright orange plum sauce.

  ‘I eat lunch with you nearly every day,’ Syd says. ‘I’ve picked up a few things.’

  Kali grabs a spring roll and opens her laptop. ‘Hey! Notts County is doing a free concert at the Plaza in a few weeks.’

  ‘Give it up already,’ Syd says. ‘Owen Gaines is a professional rocker. He is not going to start hanging with a high school girl.’

  ‘I’m willing to wait until I’m a college girl,’ Kali says. ‘But it’s not too soon to start planning. Besides, it gives me a chance to test my matchmaking program.’

  As we’re finishing up the food, there’s a light tap at the door. ‘Girls? Open up.’

  Kali lets her mom in and asks, ‘How’d you know we were here?’

  ‘The electrical cord running from the garage and the lights were a dead giveaway,’ she says, smiling.

  Glennis has just come home from work and is still wearing a sharp suit and heels. Her dark curls are pinned in a neat French twist. ‘Kalista, we have a nice house. Why would you put your friends up in this heap?’

  ‘We like it here,’ I say, holding out what’s left of the chicken balls.

  Glennis blocks the view with her hand. ‘No, thanks. And you girls shouldn’t be eating this junk either. Kali, offer your friends something nutritious.’

  ‘I’ll make fruit smoothies for dessert,’ I say. ‘I’ve been dying to try your blender.’

  I follow Glennis across the driveway and into the house. In the kitchen, I pick up a copy of Interview magazine off the counter and glance at it while Glennis pulls out soy milk, yogurt, and fresh fruit.

  ‘Should I make some for you and Brody?’ I ask, noticing she’s put only three glasses on the counter.

  ‘I’ve eaten, and Brody has a date,’ she says. ‘Make yourself at home. I’ll be in the den if you need me.’

  I toss some ingredients into the blender, fire it up, and pour the smoothies into the glasses. I’m about to pick up the tray when a loud blast of Pakistani pop music fills the kitchen. Saliyah’s been fooling with my phone again. Scrambling, I pull it out of my pocket, check the incoming number, and say, ‘No, Mom, I won’t stay out too late.’

  It’s actually my sister on the line. ‘Guess what?’ she asks.

  ‘Someone’s going to die if she keeps screwing with my phone?’ I say. ‘You know what happens to enemy agents, right?’

  ‘They find the best information,’ she says. ‘But if you don’t want it, just say so.’

  ‘As long as it’s free.’ I perch on a stool at the island and flip through the magazine. ‘You still owe me.’

  She can’t wait to spill. ‘I saw Riaz this afternoon. He really likes you.’

  ‘And you could tell that how?’ I ask. ‘Five days after kissing me, he sti
ll hasn’t called.’

  ‘He kissed you?’ Her voice is in the squeak register. ‘When? Where?’

  ‘Never mind. So you ran into him and he said …?’

  ‘That he lost his phone at the carnival,’ she says. ‘So he couldn’t call.’

  ‘He couldn’t find a landline?’

  ‘His cell had all his numbers programmed in.’

  ‘Hello, online phone listings.’

  ‘Give the guy a break,’ Saliyah says.

  ‘I barely know him. Why should I give him a break?’

  ‘Because he’s totally hot?’

  I laugh. ‘Well, you’re right about that. He is totally hot.’

  ‘I gave him your number.’ She lowers her voice and adds wistfully, ‘I bet he’s a great kisser.’

  ‘He’s a good kisser. There’s a ways to go before greatness.’ Unfortunately, Eric set that particular bar quite high.

  ‘Did he French you?’

  ‘Saliyah!’

  ‘I know all about that, you know.’ She tries to sound all worldly. ‘Not from you.’

  ‘I know where you get all your advice,’ I say. ‘And I’m sure Nani won’t steer you wrong.’

  ‘Ew!’

  She’s still giggling when I hang up the phone. I close the magazine and look up to find Brody in the doorway, bare-chested and in sweats. All that basketball has paid off. He has great abs. Really great abs.

  ‘Eyes up,’ he says, pointing at his face. ‘Five days ago you were kissing some guy and now you’re checking out my abs? It was the abs, right?’

  I jump off the stool and back toward the door. Forget about a comeback. Escape is the only option.

  ‘I guess you learnt a trick or two from Eric,’ he says. ‘Lining up your next one before the last one’s fully out of the picture.’

  ‘That’s ridiculous.’

  He grins, enjoying himself hugely. ‘Just an observation.’

  ‘Well, spare me. I thought you had a date tonight.’

  ‘Later,’ he says. ‘Unless you want me to cancel?’