Love Inc.

by Yvonne Collins

  She stares at her phone incredulously. ‘He hung up! No wonder he can’t get a girlfriend. He’s a frickin’ drama queen. His parents are mad that his date got tipsy, and he acts like I poured the champagne down her throat. Poor thing probably didn’t have anything to eat, either. There aren’t many vegan options at a traditional Italian wedding.’

  ‘Well, you can’t win ‘em all,’ I say.

  ‘I still say Trisha’s a good match for Luke,’ she says, reaching into the cupboard. She pulls out a big white envelope that holds their questionnaires. ‘This came down to booze and bad timing. The worst of it is that Brody will rub my nose in it unless I can match Luke up again fast.’

  ‘Kali, maybe you’d better let this one go.’

  She shakes her head stubbornly. ‘My reputation is at stake.’

  Sighing, I reach for my ringing phone. ‘It’s Riaz,’ I say, checking the display before letting the call go straight to voice mail.

  ‘I thought Riaz was out of the picture,’ Kali says, tossing the envelope onto the table and giving me her full attention.

  He was, until Saliyah dragged me to a Bollywood action movie last night and we ran into him at the theater. It probably wasn’t a coincidence, either. There was a definite whiff of Nani about it. Riaz’s apology sounded scripted.

  ‘Maybe you’re being a little—’

  ‘Do not say “harsh,”’ I interrupt. I’ve heard that word enough from her brother. ‘I might have been more receptive if Riaz had called right after the meat drive. Instead, he waited till we ran into each other.’

  I check my voice mail to find Riaz suggesting we hang out over the weekend. As if a half-assed apology fixes everything. ‘We’re done,’ I say. Thanks to all that I’ve learnt from Eric and Love, Inc., I have much higher standards now.

  ‘Just as well,’ Kali replies, strumming. ‘Nothing rhymes with Riaz.’

  A few minutes later, Kali packs her guitar in its case and gathers her things. She has another lesson in half an hour.

  Banksy raises his head as Kali puts on her coat. ‘Do you think he has to go out?’ she asks.

  Thumping his tail, he clambers to his feet.

  ‘Syd wants him to rest,’ I say.

  ‘Don’t worry,’ Kali says, hooking Banksy up to his leash. ‘We used to have a dog, and a walk always seemed to perk her up. I’ll take him with me to my lesson. My teacher won’t mind, because she has a dog, too.’

  My phone rings again, and Kali slips out with Banksy while I answer it. It’s my six o’clock appointment canceling. That leaves me free to head over to Mom’s to work on my Social Studies assignment. We have to write about an event in the life of one of our grandparents. Nani offered to help, but I’ve been stalling because I know she’ll use this opportunity to push some propaganda about culture, community, and religion, not to mention the benefits of marrying within the tribe.

  I’m texting Syd and Kali about my change of plans when the trailer door swings open. It’s Brody, and he’s inside before he notices me.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ he says, frowning. ‘You guys have Crazy Class.’

  There’s a giggle behind him, and someone repeats, ‘Crazy Class?’

  Brody steps aside to let the girl enter the trailer. She’s almost as tall as he is, with long limbs and fine features. Her strawberry blond hair is cropped into a boyish cut that frames bright blue eyes. In her skinny jeans and bulky brown sweater, she looks like she popped out of an Interview magazine spread.

  ‘Hi, I’m Juliette,’ she says, holding out her hand. ‘As in Romeo-and.’

  As opposed to Einstein-and, I suppose. I notice her other hand has landed on Brody’s hip, and he acts like that’s exactly where it should be. Obviously he’s been using our office to make out with girls. It’s just so … tacky.

  ‘I’m Zahra,’ I say.

  Juliette slides a limp hand into mine, and it’s gone before I can clasp it. ‘Cool name,’ she says as I squeeze a fistful of air.

  ‘Thanks,’ I say. ‘Cool sweater.’

  ‘Enough bonding,’ Brody says, throwing his schoolbooks on the table. ‘Take a seat, Juliette. Zahra was just leaving.’

  He can’t kick me out of this trailer even if I was just leaving. His mom might own it, but it’s also his sister’s place of business – a business that’s put dollars in his pocket to spend on this Juliette.

  ‘I’m in no hurry,’ I say, ignoring Brody’s glare and sitting across from Juliette.

  ‘Hey, I’ve heard of Love, Inc.,’ Juliette says, picking up one of Kali’s questionnaires, which has our company logo in the top right corner. I designed it on the computer using Syd’s graffiti tag for inspiration. It’s a tiny heart pierced with a lightning bolt on one side and rays of sun on the other.

  Reaching for the questionnaire, I tell her that I’m just a client. Although our business is growing, we don’t advertise, and we still try hard to keep the revenge service under wraps.

  ‘Well, you’re going to love them,’ she says. ‘My sister’s exbest-friend’s cousin hired Love, Inc. to help her figure out if her ice-dancing partner is gay. Turns out he isn’t, and now they’re totally in love.’

  Even though the details aren’t quite right, it’s nice to hear about a satisfied customer. Especially in front of Brody.

  ‘I’ve heard mixed reviews about this Love, Inc.,’ Brody says. ‘For every minor success there’s a massive screwup. They really burnt one of my best friends.’

  ‘What happened?’ Juliette asks, staring at him with eyes the color of my Eid festival tunic. Her hair is pretty, too, if you like red, which I don’t. I suppose I can see why Brody would sacrifice substance for surface. It’s a shame he’s not more like Angel.

  Brody takes my coat off the hook by the door and tosses it at me. ‘It’s a long story. I’ll tell you all about it when Zahra leaves.’

  ‘Save your breath,’ I say. ‘Love, Inc. doesn’t need your negativity.’

  Sitting down beside Juliette, Brody gives me the back of his head. ‘So here’s what I heard … Some crazy girls started this so-called business after getting burnt by a guy, and now it’s all they have. None of them can even get a boyfriend. They just sit around telling other people how to solve their problems without taking their own advice. All in all, they’re kind of pathetic.’

  I yank my notebooks out from under the pile of stuff Brody’s strewn across the table, and grab the envelope of questionnaires. Giving Juliette another air handshake, I say, ‘I wouldn’t write off Love, Inc. based on Brody’s opinion. They’ve got a great track record.’

  I make a point of closing the trailer door gently, because I know Brody is hoping for a slam. In the end, though, he’s the victor because his words are echoing in my head as I walk to the bus stop.

  I am not crazy or pathetic, and Eric Skinner is not the end of my story. Maybe I’ve been sitting on the sidelines sulking for a bit, but I’m as capable of a normal relationship as Brody Esposito is. More capable. I can do better than Juliette. I will find substance and surface. In a city as big as Austin, there must be a cute, honorable guy who shares enough of my interests. I will see if Kali can help me find him. That would be the best victory of all against a hater like Brody.

  By the time the bus arrives, I’ve decided not to tackle my Social Studies project with Nani. For that, I need to be on my toes. Instead, I’ll go to Dad’s, where I can think about the compatibility profile Kali will have to put together for me. To get a head start, I pull out the envelope with Trish and Luke’s questionnaires.

  Instead, I find a stack of photos in the envelope. The first is of a football player spiking the ball past the goal line. His teammates are rushing into the picture from the right edge of the frame, forever frozen in this moment of triumph. The next shot is of a basketball player mid-leap, followed by several photos of soccer players chasing the ball.

  I’m not a sports fan, but these images are vivid and captivating. It’s strange that Syd’s never mentioned an inter
est in photography, especially when art is one subject she’s actually willing to talk about until your ears bleed.

  Unless, of course, these aren’t Syd’s pictures.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Kali and I are having lunch with Liza and Tara when I notice Syd walking through the cafeteria toward our table.

  ‘Don’t you have Spanish?’ I ask as she joins us.

  ‘Mendoza thinks I’m in the can,’ she explains. ‘Anyway, I’m only jumping the bell by ten minutes. There’s something I need you guys to see.’

  Kali and I excuse ourselves and follow Syd back through the halls to one of the girls’ restrooms. Inside, someone is locked in a stall, apparently sobbing and smoking at the same time.

  ‘It’s Hollis,’ Syd whispers, as the person inside sputters and chokes on the cigarette. ‘She was bawling at the sink when I came in earlier.’

  ‘Go away,’ Hollis says now. ‘I already told you I didn’t want to talk.’

  ‘Yeah, and then you told me that your pinhead boyfriend broke up with you and dumped your bag in the hall,’ Syd says. ‘Tampons and all.’

  Hollis hiccups. ‘People were just walking all over my stuff, and he didn’t care.’

  ‘Hollis, there’s no nice way to say this,’ Kali begins. ‘Fletcher is a bully.’

  ‘A bully who cheats on you,’ Syd says. ‘You know that.’

  ‘You can’t put up with this anymore,’ I say. ‘Time to cut him loose.’

  A few more puffs of smoke drift from the stall before we hear the toilet flush. Hollis steps out. Her makeup is running, and her eyes are red and puffy.

  ‘We break up all the time,’ she says, looking at us through the mirror as she washes her hands. ‘And we always get back together. I’ve been with him nearly two years – one-eighth of my life. I don’t think I can live without him.’

  ‘You’re stronger than you think, Hollis,’ I say. ‘Who else could have survived two years with Fletcher?’

  Hollis actually laughs. ‘No one.’

  ‘So make this break stick,’ I say. ‘Just do it.’

  She mops at her face with the wet wipes and sighs. ‘I guess if you can stand being single, I can too.’

  Kali rolls her eyes and says, ‘I’m sure you won’t be single long. Remember that guy at Blue Velvet? The one who liked the dress?’

  ‘He said I looked amazing,’ Hollis says, brightening.

  ‘Moving on?’ I say.

  ‘Moving on,’ she says, dusting her face with powder.

  Kali, Syd, and I exchange glances, knowing it’s futile to expect a thanks. But one day, after Hollis has shaken off Fletcher’s influence, we might find there’s a decent human being beneath the barbed wire.

  The door bursts open and Señora Mendoza appears. ‘Aha!’ she says. ‘I thought I smelt smoke.’

  There’s no way she smelt smoke from her classroom in the next hallway. She’s just doing a routine spot check.

  Hollis continues to stare at the mirror as she slicks on lip gloss. ‘I tried to tell them, Señora. Smoking is never going to make these losers cool.’

  Kali is chatting up a sales clerk from Hollister’s when I meet her at the mall. With less than three weeks to go before Christmas, the place is packed. I have Love, Inc. money to burn on gifts this year, but my list isn’t that long – Kali and Syd, Morgan and Shanna, Dad and Saliyah. Mom only celebrated the holiday for Dad, so I know there won’t be a Christmas tree in her house this year.

  ‘So what are you shopping for, other than boys?’ I ask, leading Kali away.

  ‘Perfume,’ she says. ‘Destination: Sephora. I’m hoping an exotic scent might attract more interesting guys. Things have been kind of dull lately.’

  ‘What happened to the guy from the water rally?’ I ask.

  She snorts. ‘He wants to become an organic farmer. I can’t be with someone who’s tied to the land. My guy needs to carry my suitcases when I go on tour.’

  She peers over her shoulder and waves at the Hollister guy. ‘That one wasn’t for me. I’m just trying to build my Love, Inc. roster.’

  ‘He’s not my type either,’ I say, in case I’m the target in mind.

  At Sephora, she picks up a bottle of the new Burberry scent and sniffs at the nozzle. ‘Before we get down to business, Z, I have to tell you I’m honored you’ve agreed to let me help you in this pivotal, life-changing moment.’

  ‘It’s just a preliminary discussion, Kal. Don’t get carried away.’

  ‘Don’t downplay it, Z. This is huge.’ She grabs my right wrist and spritzes it with Eternity. ‘You are saying yes to love.’

  I roll my eyes. ‘I’m saying maybe to a date, if you can find someone normal who isn’t a client.’

  ‘My database is full of non-client possibilities, don’t you worry.’ Kali grabs my other hand and sprays on Viva la Juicy. ‘That’s why I’m always on the lookout. Even if people aren’t in the market now, a lot of them are glad to hear from me when I call with a prospect later.’ She shows me a price tag with the Hollister sales clerk’s name and number on it. ‘He could be perfect for someone in January.’

  ‘Do you seriously just call people out of the blue and say, “Have I got a girl for you”?’

  ‘Not out of the blue. I keep in touch to nurture my contacts. You know, a text here, a Facebook message there. And then when I’ve got a prospect, I let them know. If people are single they can’t resist hearing more.’

  ‘So what do you do then?’ I ask, watching as she sprays her own wrist with Stellanude.

  She lets the perfume dry for a second before taking a deep sniff. ‘I send over the specs and we chat.’

  ‘Specs? You are not sending anyone my “specs.”’

  ‘I hate to break it to you, Z, but no one you’d want to date would go out with a girl sight unseen,’ Kali says. ‘Men are visual creatures. They need a photo. Why are you worried, anyway? You’re gorgeous. Better than that, you’re unique. No one else has your coloring.’

  That, unfortunately, is quite true.

  ‘Plus, you have this way of studying someone as if they’re the most interesting person on the planet,’ Kali continues. ‘Guys love that. It confirms their own opinion of themselves.’

  I laugh. ‘You’re just saying that.’

  She eyes the Sarah Jessica Parker testers and blasts her other wrist with Covet. ‘As your friend, I might just say that. But now that you’re my client, I have to be honest. And you have to be honest too, or this won’t work.’

  There’s no money changing hands, but I’ve agreed to cater two dates of her choice in exchange for her services. ‘OK, let’s get this over with before I change my mind.’

  ‘I was hoping for some enthusiasm,’ she says.

  That’s asking too much. I’m only doing this because of what Brody said. As usual, his delivery sucked, but he had a point. A mediator who can’t make a relationship work for herself isn’t setting much of an example to her clients. It’s fine for Syd to stay single when her specialty is revenge. And it’s fine for Kali to flit from guy to guy when her focus is on the match. But for me, being alone suggests I don’t walk my talk. So, no matter how nervous I feel about it, I need to get serious about the game.

  ‘It’ll be fun,’ I say. ‘Like a migraine. Or cramps.’

  Rolling her eyes, Kali grabs my wrists and sniffs. Then she sniffs her own. Finally she decides on the Juicy and takes it to the register, along with a tube of her favorite lip gloss.

  Afterward, we head back through the mall to the Apple Store, where Kali snags one of their test computers. ‘Are you sure you’re ready for this?’ she asks. ‘Are you completely over what happened with Eric?’

  ‘Probably not. But Love, Inc. has shown me that not all guys are cheaters, and at some point I’m going to have to try again, right? Otherwise, Eric wins.’

  ‘You have to go in with an open mind, Z.’

  ‘I’ll do my best; that’s all I can promise.’

  Satisfied, she reaches ove
r and squeezes my hand. ‘This is so great. It’s taking us to a whole new level of friendship. It means a lot that you trust me like this.’

  ‘I’ve always trusted you. You’ve had my back from the beginning.’

  ‘This is different,’ she says. ‘It’s personal.’

  I guess it is. She understands better than anyone except possibly Syd how difficult it will be for me to take this leap. I don’t trust myself to make the right choice, but I do trust Kali. I know she has my best interests at heart. In fact, Kali and Syd are my friends and my family now – framily. We’re bound together by loyalty, trust, and responsibility, not to mention trade secrets.

  ‘You’re safe in my hands,’ Kali says, putting a memory stick into a port. ‘I already filled in your survey, but I want to ask a few more questions. First, what’s really important to you, besides the obvious – hot, nice, and trustworthy?’

  I struggle to come up with an answer. ‘Brains? Sense of humor?’

  ‘How about values?’

  ‘Yeah, I’m all for them. I especially like it when guys know that cheating is wrong.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘I don’t know, the normal things. Decent. Honest. Kind.’

  ‘OK, so with everything I know about you, I’ve narrowed the choice to three preliminary prospects. I even have photos, but since you’re above all that, I’ll just describe them to you.’

  I jab her mouse hand. ‘Get clicking.’

  She’s prepared a PowerPoint presentation, with my picture occupying the top of the first slide. It’s a photo Syd took on Congress Avenue after we watched the bats fly away, and I look excited and happy. Below the photo, my ‘specs,’ or interests, appear one by one: baking, pop culture, reading, movies, business, and art.

  ‘Business and art? That’s stretching it.’