Lost in Bermooda

by Mike Litwin

  “It’s a perfect plan!” Chuck assured him. “I saw something like it in science class. The lamp makes the heat, the heat goes up into the balloon, the balloon goes up in the air…and you float off back to Hu’manland! It could work, don’t you think?”

  Chuck sounded so convincing about his plan. It did seem like it could work. Chuck and Dakota spent the next day and a half sewing sheets and curtains into a giant balloon.

  They sealed the balloon with tar and toted it up the cliff, tethering it to the ground next to Lookout Light. They had constructed a basket from bamboo and strapped the big oil lamp in the middle. Everything was held together with ropes and vines. It was a lot of work, but it looked very impressive.

  They lit the oil lamp, and the patchy balloon rose as it filled up with hot air. Dakota climbed into the basket as Chuck gave some last-minute pointers.

  “You’ll have to pay close attention,” Chuck warned. “If you don’t watch the wind, you’ll blow off course. If you don’t tend to the lamp, this whole thing could catch fire.” He gazed up at the balloon billowing over their heads. “I sure wish I could come too. I’d be the first cow in Hu’manland!”

  “You can’t come with me. You have a family here,” Dakota reminded him.

  They shook hand and hoof, realizing they might be saying good-bye for the last time.

  “Thanks for helping me get off the island,” Dakota said. “Moohalo.”

  “Thanks for saving me when the raft fell apart,” Chuck answered. “Good luck, hu’man.”

  As Chuck loosened the rope that held the balloon to the ground, he realized that for the first time since he’d found Dakota, he was genuinely sad. And it wasn’t just because he wanted to go see the hu’man world. Over the last week, Dakota had become much more than a trinket or a pet. He had become a friend. Chuck didn’t have many friends…and he didn’t want this one to leave. He was so lost in thought that he didn’t notice he’d forgotten to let go of the rope.

  “Chuck!” he heard from above. “What are you doing?!”

  Chuck looked down and noticed his feet were no longer touching the ground. His shadow got smaller and smaller as the balloon rose into the air, taking him with it.

  Dakota knew that Chuck wanted to see the human world, but this was going too far. “Let go, Chuck! Let go!” he yelled from the basket. “You can’t come with me!”

  Chuck wanted to tell Dakota that he wasn’t trying to come with him, but it was too late. The balloon had taken off, and Chuck’s hooves were now dangling hundreds of feet over Bermooda.

  “Help me!” He mooed in a panic.

  Dakota stopped paying attention to the balloon and pulled on Chuck’s rope, grunting and straining to help him climb up. The extra weight of Chuck dangling from the rope sent the balloon spinning out of control. By the time Chuck reached the top, the whole basket lurched in the wind, and the burning oil lamp rocked back and forth.

  “I told you, you can’t come with me!” Dakota screamed with a red face. “I lied! We do have cows in the human world! Lots of them! Do you know what happens to them? They get eaten!”

  No sooner had these words been spoken than the lamp tipped over, catching the basket on fire. Now both of them panicked. They were hundreds of feet over the sea, and the basket was on fire and spinning out of control. They frantically climbed the ropes out of the flaming basket and up toward the balloon. The fire climbed upward toward them, singeing Chuck’s tail. The ocean got bigger and bigger as the balloon began to fall out of the sky, plummeting toward the waves below.

  Chuck and Dakota jumped from the burning balloon as it flailed downward in a spiral of flames.

  SPLASH!

  They held their breath as they landed in the water.

  FSSSSST! The balloon fizzled as it crashed into the waves. Once again, Chuck and Dakota found themselves flopping onto the shore like wet rats. “That’s why I don’t like heights,” Dakota grumbled, putting his head on the ground. He was now convinced that there was no way to leave this island.

  Chuck wasn’t sure what hurt more: the fact that the amazing hu’man world was full of cows who got eaten, or the fact that his new friend had lied to him. “Why did you lie to me about the cows?”

  “I’m sorry,” Dakota said with his eyes closed. “You’re my friend. I didn’t want to you know what happens to cows in my world.”

  “Friends don’t lie to each other,” Chuck said.

  “I know. No more lies,” Dakota promised.

  Chuck smiled. They watched a pillar of black smoke billow up from place where their flaming balloon had crashed into the water. “Too bad there wasn’t a ship nearby.” Dakota said. “We could have sent them a smoke signal.” His eyes suddenly lit up. That’s it! A signal! This time, he was the one who had an idea!

  “What about the radio tower?” he asked. “Couldn’t we use that to send a signal? A call? To…out there?”

  “We can’t do that,” Chuck said, wringing out his fur.

  “Sure we could!” Dakota insisted. “We could sneak up there late at night, after everyone’s asleep—”

  “No. I mean we can’t do that,” Chuck said, cutting him off. “We can’t call more hu’mans to the island. You said it yourself…hu’mans eat cows. If we’re gonna get you back out there, we have to do just that: get you out there. We’re not bringing anyone else here.”

  They got Dakota back into his cowmaflauge and started walking back to the Porter House.

  “At least now you won’t miss the Boomflower Festival tonight,” Chuck said, lightening the mood.

  “What is the Boomflower Festival?” Dakota finally asked.

  “You’ll love it!” Chuck said excitedly. “On the first no-moon of summer, we stay up all night and shoot fire seeds into the sky. They make a big BOOM and light up the sky with giant, colorful flowers made of fire!”

  Now Dakota understood. “Ohhh…fireworks!”

  “Fireworks?” Chuck echoed, wrinkling his snout. “What a boring name for something so pretty.”

  The Boomflower festival was quite the event on Bermooda. Nearly everyone showed up for it. Bermooda Village was decorated with colorful flowers, flags, and banners. Everywhere Dakota looked, there were games, food, and music.

  Angus Atkins had come down from the radio station to spin records live at the party. Soward had brought the Hawk down to Bullhorn Beach, and was giving everyone free rides as the sky behind them lit up with the colorful flashes of booming fireworks.

  It was an incredible mu’au—a huge tropical party full of cows. It was the grandest party Dakota had ever seen. He sat with Chuck and the rest of the Porters as they dined on pineapple served fresh from Leatherneck’s grill.

  Angus was just about to spin another record when he was interrupted by another loud boom that filled the sky—a long, low boom that didn’t come from the fireworks. Lightning lit up the dark clouds growing on the horizon as the wind suddenly began to blow harder.

  “Oh dear,” said Mama Porter. “Looks like a storm is coming.”

  “Awwwww,” complained Patty. “We won’t get to see the Grand-Daddy Boomflower.”

  Chuck saw Dakota’s puzzled look. “The Grand-Daddy Boomflower is the last one of the night,” he explained. “It booms so big and so bright that you can hear it and see it from anywhere on the whole island!”

  “All right, hooves and heifers,” Angus announced. “Looks like we got a big squall rolling in. Let’s pack things up.”

  But Angus’s voice was drowned out by another voice over the chatterboxes. Angus furrowed his brow in confusion. His voice was normally the only one on the chatterboxes. Whose voice was this?

  “Attention Cow Island. Attention Cow Island. This is Alpha Tango Seven making hu’man contact. Repeat—this is Alpha Tango Seven making hu’man contact. We are southbound, approaching your coordinates. Be advised.”

  Every cow on the island fell silent, as they all looked at each other with wild eyes. The storm, it seemed, was not the only thing coming
.

  Panic stampeded through the crowd, as the entire village was suddenly filled with an avalanche of questions:

  “Did you hear that?”

  “Hu’mans coming here?”

  “I thought hu’mans were extinct!”

  “How do they know about us?”

  “They called us ‘Cow Island.’” Angus pointed out. “They know who we are. They didn’t find us by accident. Someone called them here.”

  “Who?” hooted Cornelius. “Who would do such a thing?”

  Who indeed? Chuck thought to himself, glaring at Dakota.

  “Does it really matter?” a deep voice asked from the back of the crowd. Everyone turned to see Wilhelm Wellington strolling toward the front. “What matters now is that we have someone to lead us in this difficult time. Someone who has studied hu’mans and knows how to deal with them. Someone like…me.” Wilhelm sneered and motioned toward the council. “Look at your Herd. See how they cower!”

  Indeed, the herd looked very cowardly and confused, as if no one knew what to do.

  As Wilhelm walked through the crowd, Dakota was suddenly yanked by the collar and pulled behind Leatherneck’s grill. He found himself face to face with a very angry Chuck.

  “You!” Chuck accused him. “You called them here! I told you not to use that radio tower and you did it anyway!”

  “No!” Dakota said. “It wasn’t me!”

  “What about that orange ring in Wilhelm’s warehouse?” Chuck continued, as his nose and ears flushed red with anger. “The one with your name on it? What about that? You said no more lies! Now we will all be eaten just because you had to call your family!”

  “I don’t have a family!” Dakota yelled.

  Chuck froze in confusion as he tried to understand what Dakota meant.

  “I lied,” Dakota continued with his head hung low. “I grew up in a place for children with no parents. It was not a nice place. They were not nice people. So I ran away. I snuck onto a boat. I didn’t really know where I was going. I just didn’t think I would end up here.” Dakota plopped himself onto the cobblestones. “I didn’t even know this place existed.”

  Chuck took a moment to digest what he’d just heard. The raft, the balloon…all this time they had been trying to get Dakota home, and he didn’t even have a home to go to.

  “Why did you lie to me?” he asked.

  “I was scared! A talking cow was shaking a paddle in my face!” Dakota said. “Besides, it seems like everyone has a family but me. So I said I had a family and I gave you the name of the boat I was on: the Dakota.”

  Chuck sat down next to Dakota. “So…who are you, really?”

  Just as Dakota was about to answer, a sudden shriek broke their quiet conversation. “A hu’man!!”

  Chuck and Dakota rushed out to see everyone looking and pointing at the side of the mountain. Perched up on one of the rocks in the distance was a ghastly, hunched creature with stringy red hair, glittery green scales, and spikes running down its back. A flash of lightning lit up the sky as the creature made a familiar braying sound that echoed in the night:

  BRRAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPP!!!!!!

  “Hey!” Dakota whispered to Chuck. “That’s the costume and the horn we found in the Wellington warehouse!” All this time, Dakota was worried that Wilhelm knew he was here, and he was only talking about this ridiculous hu’man costume!

  “It’s calling for the other hu’mans!” the members of the herd cried out with their mouths foaming. “It’s all true!”

  “No it isn’t!” Chuck shouted. “That’s no hu’man!”

  All eyes turned to Chuck. “How do you know?” Patty demanded. “How do you even know what a hu’man looks like?”

  They were interrupted by the chatterbox, which started talking again:

  “Attention Cow Island. We’ve received the signal from our brother. We have your location. We are coming.”

  Wilhelm raised his hooves and continued to address the trembling crowd. “A new day is dawning, my friends! Everything we know is about to change. I tried to warn you that this was coming. Now you’ve seen it for yourself! The hu’mans aren’t just coming, they’re already here! Do you really want to go into this new age without leadership?”

  Dakota pulled Chuck to the side. “This is all fake! Somehow Wilhelm is doing this all himself so they’ll make him their leader! Maybe even king!”

  “Follow me!” Chuck yelled.

  Chuck and Dakota knew they had to do something. But they couldn’t tell anyone they had snuck into the warehouse, and they couldn’t tell anyone Dakota was a hu’man. So what could they do?

  “First we have to stop that voice on the chatterbox,” Dakota said. “It’s making everyone panic! What’s the fastest way up to the radio station?”

  Chuck and Dakota ran down the beach to Soward, who was hugging a pineapple and looking quite frightened as he sat in the Hawk. The storm was getting heavier now. The rain was driving harder and the wind was so strong that they had to yell in order to hear each other.

  “Soward!” Dakota said, catching his breath.

  “We need you to fly us up to the radio station! We might be able to…umm…to stop the humans!”

  “In this?” Soward replied, dropping his pineapple. “Are you kidding? Have you forgotten there’s a wee little storm going on?”

  “Have you forgotten page seventeen of The Art of Cookery?” Chuck reminded him. Soward chewed on that thought for a moment. Page 17 was Baked Ham.

  “Right,” he agreed. “Climb aboard.”

  Soward got the Hawk into the air. He had never expected a storm like this would help him fly better, but the flyer was so light that the wind pushed them up higher to the to top of the mountain. Thick storm clouds began to cover the mountain like an angry blanket of cotton candy, and they were flying right into it.

  “Where are you going to land?” Dakota asked.

  “I dunno! This is a first time for both of us!” Soward called back. As they sputtered to the top, he brought the Hawk to a rough landing on a big, flat rock near the tower. When the three of them climbed out of the flyer, the wind tried to pick it up off the ground, but Soward grabbed it just in time. “Go on!” he said. “I’ll stay here and hold the Hawk down!”

  Chuck and Dakota rushed to the radio station and found the door locked. Whatever was happening, it wasn’t happening anywhere inside. Looking up to the tower, they saw a familiar object stuck to the very top.

  “That’s Angus’s recorder!” Dakota said. “The one Wilhelm had in his warehouse! The humans are nothing but a recorded message! Wilhelm is broadcasting a phony message to the whole island!”

  Lightning ripped across the clouds above them so brightly it seemed as though it may tear the whole sky in two. “We have to get that recorder!” Chuck looked up at the tower. He hoped he could get to the top without being blown off by the wind or being struck by lightning.

  Chuck tried to climb, but the rickety wooden rungs were wet and he couldn’t grip them with his hooves. He slipped off and fell in a puddle, with his legs flailing everywhere.

  “I can’t!” Chuck mooed. “It’s too wet and windy! Lenny was right! No one with hooves can climb this!”

  “Well, I’m no one with hooves!” Dakota hollered back. He might be afraid of heights, but he knew he had to help! Gripping the bottom rungs of the tower with his toes and fingers, he began to climb in the pouring rain. Rung by rung, Dakota slowly scaled the tower as it swayed back and forth like a water reed.

  The wind at the top was even worse than at the bottom. As Dakota got near it, he pulled himself close to the tower with a grunt and hung on for dear life. Looking up, he could see the recorder just within his reach, plugged into the transmitter on the tower’s tip. Holding onto the tower with his legs, he stretched his arm up above him.

  “Hurry up and grab it!” Chuck yelled from the bottom. “Grab it before you fall!”

  Chuck’s voice was suddenly drowned out by a big gust of wind that rocked
the tower, blowing Dakota’s feet right out from under him. As he swayed in the wind, he started to lose his grip. His hands scrambled for the only thing he could grab onto—the recorder.

  PLUCK! The recorder came loose as Dakota grabbed it. He dangled from the tower. He didn’t hang there for long. Dakota’s weight pulled on the recorder until—YOINK!—it came unplugged, and he plummeted down. Dakota’s mind spun as he fell through the air, until…CRUNCH! He landed right on top of Chuck, who had tried to catch him.

  They both struggled to their feet. With the recorder unplugged, every chatterbox on the island had gone silent. As far as anyone knew, the hu’mans weren’t talking anymore.

  Chuck and Dakota scrambled down to the Hawk.

  Soward looked at the box in Dakota’s hand. “What’s this?”

  “It’s a recorder,” Dakota told him. “This is where the human voices were coming from!”

  Soward looked confused. Perhaps he’d eaten a bad pineapple. “We still have to get back down to the festival before they make Wilhelm the leader of Bermooda!” Chuck reminded them.

  Soward tried to start the Hawk, but the heavy rain from the storm had soaked the engine. “She won’t start!” Soward squealed “I’m afraid she doesn’t handle the rain very well!”

  “Do we have to use the engine?” Dakota asked. “Can you just glide the flyer down?”

  “You’re talkin’ to a flying pig!” Soward boasted after a moment of thought. “Anything is possible!”

  The three daredevils boarded the flyer and shoved off, gliding down the mountain. As Soward expertly guided the flyer down in the storm, they spied the hairy, scaly “hu’man” standing on a bluff. Now that they had a closer look, they could see a face sticking out of the costume. It was a familiar orange monkey face, blowing into a horn.

  BRRAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPP!!!!!!

  “It’s Lenny!” Chuck said. “What is he doing?”