The Devil and Danielle Webster

by Cynthia Cross

  “—Some things never change!—“

  “—as much as I can with all your stupid jokes!”

  “Doug,” I said, attempting to regain control of the conversation. “Are you sure this mythological blow job really happened?”

  “I’m sure! We were probably sleeping for awhile first, though.”

  “Ohhhh. No. Now I get it.”

  “Get what?”

  “That’s why Mr. Lucifer insisted on the night being defined as 12 midnight to 6 AM. I’ll bet your Numbers 3 and 4 happened after 6 AM.”

  He was outraged. “That was the best part!”

  I couldn’t help laughing, taking satisfaction in his disappointment. “Remember, Doug, I specifically told him I did not want to relive all the one-sided doing-you I used to do. That’s in the contract. So you can sit here and watch yourself sleep, but we’re done.”

  “Signing off then. I guess my two more hours of sleep can start now.” And he was gone.

  But I wasn’t alone. The Devil, once again, had joined me.

  “I presume,” he said suavely, “that you are now a satisfied customer.”

  “Well, you presume wrong,” I told him. “What on earth were you thinking? And don’t you make hateful faces at me. I’ve raised three children, you can’t scare me.”

  Daemon Lucifer schooled his features to polite urbanity once again. “What was wrong this time?” he inquired patiently.

  I made a discovery. “Now I get it! You’re a misogynist! That sounded just like something a man would say. ‘What did I do now?’” I mimicked, complete with heavy sigh and eye roll. “I’ve already been told I’m a typical woman, whatever that means, so don’t you start.”

  “Okay, we’ll talk.” Was I imagining the grim edge to the Devil’s tone? Was I finally getting under his skin? “But I’m calling loverboy back again.”

  “Doug won’t like that,” I assured him. “We’re both sick of each other by now.”

  “Let me remind you, all sales are—“

  “Final, yeah, you already told me. You also guaranteed satisfaction, and you haven’t given me any yet.”

  “Are you asking for yet ANOTHER night?” he asked, lifting his eyebrows superciliously.

  “No, I’m not. I’m telling you satisfying me is not possible this way.”

  Once again Doug had arrived, tumbling in a heap on my bed, in time to hear my last comment. “I can’t get no…” he hummed, looking quite pleased with himself.

  “Shut up, Doug,” the Devil and I said in unison, then looked at each other.

  “Doug, this woman is insatiable,” the Devil observed.

  “That’s not it at all,” I objected. “But you had to get both of us on one contract, and just by doing that, you ruined it for me.”

  “I don’t see why. Please explain.”

  “You’re not very astute, and that surprises me,” I told him. “Doug’s a creeper—“

  “I am not!—“

  “A creeper,” I emphasized. “As long as I have to relive any of this with him here in the present, it’s just going to be too icky for words. I mean, look at him!”

  “Look at you, Danielle!”

  “And he’s married to another icky person—“

  “Tina is not icky! You haven’t even met her!”

  “She’s a stick-in-the-mud at best,” I argued. “She makes you go to church. She won’t give you blow jobs—“

  “Now you’re putting words into my mouth! I never said that!”

  “She calls all the shots and you’re scared of her. She’s an icky person.” Case was closed, as far as I was concerned.

  The Devil was looking at me in fascination. “I can’t believe I ever thought you had a pallid soul. I think you’ll fry up to be quite tasty. Piquant.”

  “You’re not the first to underestimate me,” I said.

  “The thrill of the chase is becoming unexpectedly pleasurable,” he agreed.

  “Whatever,” I said. “I’m waiting for my boss to text me back. She’s my legal counsel.”

  “Her? I made sure she took Ambien tonight,” the Devil revealed. “She’ll be out of the picture for awhile.”

  “You don’t know how much she likes texting. She texts in her sleep. She may even drive up here in her sleep.”

  “I think we can handle this, just the three of us. We’re all mature adults,” said the Devil.

  “Well, I know a little about contracts. You promised me a night of passion with Doug Morris. Look at the date on the contract.” I held it out to him and pointed.

  “What is your point? It’s today’s date.”

  “My point is that you’re serving up 1995—“

  “I think it was 1993,” Doug said helpfully.

  “Then my point’s that much stronger. If you promise a night of passion and date it 2015, you don’t serve up reheated 20-year-old leftovers!”

  “Hey, wait a minute!” Doug protested. “What are you calling reheated leftovers? That was darn good sex, and I take offense at your choice of words!”

  “Reheated,” I said again, flatly. “Leftovers.”

  “You two sound like brother and sister squabbling,” said the Devil in a reproving tone, but he was interrupted by the sounds of “ewwww” made by both of us.

  “Can he get any more offensive?” I asked Doug. “Now he’s talking incest.”

  “That’s gross!” Doug agreed.

  I could almost hear the gears in Daemon Lucifer’s brain whirring. He probably was beginning to see that the missteps he’d made for his own spiteful pleasure could result in the escape of two tasty souls. His sudden conciliatory attitude was such a 180 degree turn that I wanted to laugh. “No worries,” he soothed. “I have all eternity. I will make sure you are both satisfied customers.” He looked at us doubtfully. “Er, I believe I’ve noticed that you both rather like one another—no, let me finish,” he insisted as we both started laughing. “We can stay here while your feelings for each other redevelop, all off the time grid, you understand. Then—“

  “Um, no,” I said.

  “Ditto,” said Doug, never wanting to be outdone. “You can keep us here a million years, I’m telling you right now, I will never redevelop feelings for her, not even if you paid me. That is over and done with.”

  “What about this,” the Devil said hurriedly. I could tell he was trying not to lose the deal completely. “I have never done this before—you two would be my first. I’ll put you both in your 20-year-old bodies tonight for just one night—off the time grid, you understand—and you can have a night of passion as of today, but with your younger selves.” I had to laugh, he looked almost pleading.

  “See her?” Doug asked the Devil rhetorically. “She’s a resentful bitch who hangs onto grudges for life and no man could get it up with her if he tried.”

  “Oh, now that’s grown up, Doug,” I mocked.

  “Tell the truth, Danielle. When’s the last time you had any? Was it Brian Panties-In-A-Bunch? What was that, years ago?”

  “It’s none of your business, but no, it’s been more recent than that. Why don’t you go to hell?”

  “I wouldn’t give you the satisfaction.”

  “You never did give me any satisfaction, you asshole.” God, that felt good to say.

  “That’s it, this relationship is over,” Doug declared, and walked out of the room.

  I ran and locked the door. “Wait for it,” I said to the Devil.

  Within half a minute, there was a scrabbling at the door, followed by several fist pounds.

  “Let me in! Danielle! Mr. Lucifer!”

  I opened the door sweetly.

  Doug wouldn’t look at me. “I want to get back to Schaumburg. How do I get back to Schaumburg?” he asked the Devil.

  “You can’t.”

  “What?”

  “You don’t get it. You’re off the time grid. You’re off the grid until you and Danielle can get it right. I guarantee satisfaction, but I’m leaving it up to you how that
plays out. You have all the time you need. You can let me know when you’re satisfied.”

  “That makes no sense!” I said, outraged. “We can’t even stand being in the same room!”

  “Hey, I saw Groundhog Day,” Doug added. “Bill Murray stayed in the same day for years.”

  “This is worse,” I told Doug. “We seem to have just a few hours, then we keep reverting back to 2 AM, when everyone’s asleep.” I appealed directly to the Devil again. “This won’t work. We will just hate each other more.”

  “Like I said, time is not an issue,” the Devil assured me. “We can take eons if we need it. It’s all off the time grid.”

  Doug’s face crumpled. He looked near tears. “I want to say goodbye to Tina.”

  “Just don’t sign any papers,” I warned him, “or Tina’s soul will be up for grabs as well.”

  The nondescript man looked offended. “Nothing further from my mind,” he insisted. “If you want your wife, no problem!”

  Chapter 5 – The Exorcist

  “I guess that means I’ll be meeting the famous Tina,” I said.

  “Tina will get us out of this mess,” Doug said with endearing, if misguided, faith.

  “Let me just check my cell,” I said. “Maybe Jill got up to use the bathroom during the night.”

  “Well, if she did, wouldn’t that all be erased now?”

  “My cell says 5 AM. Look, a text from Jill!” But as I looked, the text faded and disappeared. My cell now said 2 AM. Same night. Again. What was this, night four?

  The Devil looked apologetic. “This has to stay off the time grid,” he said. “Trust me, you want it that way. Otherwise you’ll have relatives report you as missing persons, and kids being unattended.”

  “Must be something in it for you,” I said. “And don’t look at me with those reproachful eyes. You know already that you’re not to be trusted.”

  “Where’s Tina?” Doug asked nervously.

  “Slight delay, nothing to concern yourself with,” the Devil said. “She’s packing, or taking care of the kids, I believe.”

  If there was going to be even a minute’s respite, I was going to grab my chance. “I’m getting dressed,” I announced.

  “Please,” Doug said. “Try to wear something without food on it.”

  I flounced into the bathroom of my hotel room with my handbag and cell. I tried texting Jill again. The time was 2:15 AM. When did I text her before, 2:00? “Jill, just get up to pee,” I said aloud. I called Patty again.

  “What are you doing calling me?” she said.

  “I thought you’d want an update.”

  “Update on what? It’s 2 in the morning.”

  “Oh, no! This really is Groundhog Day. You don’t remember our conversation about the Devil taking my soul?”

  “What?”

  “Patty, I don’t have much time. I’m stuck in a time warp or something, and I’ve sold my soul to the Devil. For a night with Doug Morris.”

  She was laughing. “Only you, Danielle. So how’s the night with Doogie going? I thought you hated his guts.”

  “I do hate his guts. This is going to be the fourth night we’re stuck with each other, and we may be stuck forever.”

  “So help me understand. Has he been lusting for you, lo these many years?”

  “No,” I admitted, “I was the one who wished for him, but just for tonight. And it’s just the worst thing ever.”

  “Danielle, do you need me to call the police or something?”

  “That won’t help,” I said worriedly. “I tell you what, go back to sleep for now. I might need you in a couple of hours, so get some sleep while you can.”

  “Does the Devil have your signature on paper?”

  “Yes,” I admitted.

  “Geeeeez. Call Jill.”

  “I’ve been texting her.”

  “Call her.”

  “I have more faith in texts, where Jill’s concerned. I’d better go, Doug’s wife will be here any minute.”

  Patty started laughing again. “A ménage à trois! Perfect! Wish I were there!”

  “Really? Because I might be able to arrange that, but maybe not tonight. Time might roll back and restart at 2 AM, and then you won’t know what I’m talking about, again.”

  “Don’t let that worry you, sis. If you need me, I’m here for you. You can always explain when it’s convenient. I’ve got your back even if I don’t have the back story!” She laughed at her wit and we hung up.

  Patty. I felt comforted having talked with her again. She was right. She didn’t need the back story; she’d be there for me. But what could she do? She’d threatened once to kick a guy in the balls for me with her most pointed stiletto heels. I wondered how that would work on the Devil.

  Freshening up took no time at all, mainly because I had almost nothing with me. After all, I hadn’t intended to stay. Oh, if only I’d left town at 4 PM and driven through. No air conditioning? Pfft. No sweat. Or at least, less sweat than I’d been sweating these past three nights.

  I left the bathroom and re-entered the hotel bedroom. A slender woman was holding Doug and saying, “There, there. We can fix this.” She pulled away from Doug as she saw me, and looked at me accusingly.

  “You must be Danielle.”

  “Hi, Tina.” I started to extend a hand, but Tina backed away.

  “I understand this is all your fault,” she said conversationally.

  I blinked. “I don’t suppose that approach is very helpful.”

  “I’m here to help, and I will help. But don’t forget that you put Doug’s soul in danger. I certainly won’t.”

  “Doug put his own soul in danger by being stupid and signing a contract without reading it. I had nothing to do with it.”

  “Oh? I understood that you had called Doug away in the middle of the night to renew an old affair. He had nothing to do with that.” She looked at me with her eyebrows raised.

  “All I wanted was to relive a night from my past. I didn’t want him here at all.” I couldn’t entirely keep the loathing from my voice.

  At my words, Tina seemed unsure whether to act the outraged spouse to my homewrecker, or to take offense at my disparaging her husband. “I’ve heard about you for years,” she settled on informing me. “You’re the one who would stoop to anything to hang on to my husband.”

  “Yeah, maybe twenty or twenty-five years ago, and he wasn’t anyone’s husband then. Believe me, I have no such intentions now. You have nothing to worry about.”

  She looked me over from head to foot. “I can see that I don’t,” she drawled.

  If Patty had been here, I’m pretty sure she would have kicked Tina in her waxed little shins for me. But Patty wasn’t there. I looked Tina up and down and decided to do some drawling of my own. “Twenty-five years ago I just know you were having a hair-pulling fight in the girls’ restroom with the school slut. Are you really still into that kind of high school drama?”

  Doug looked horrified, but Daemon Lucifer smiled happily.

  “I’ve never stooped to that level, and I’m not going to now. Especially before this creature,” she indicated Daemon Lucifer, “we need to recall that we are ladies and Christians.”

  “So what exactly are you here for, other than to soothe Doug? He IS frightened,” I said with spurious sympathy.

  “I’ve brought holy water and my prayer book. We are going to conduct a lay exorcism. Only those with a pure heart may remain.” She looked pointedly at me, and I looked back at her.

  “This is my motel room,” I informed her. “I’m not going anywhere. I think my heart’s pure enough. I certainly don’t have to deal with issues of arrogance and pride, like some in the room.” I looked pointedly at her, and she looked back at me.

  The Devil looked thoroughly entertained. “This is fabulous!” he said. “To think I could have missed this, if you hadn’t let me out of the hot sauce bottle. I really owe you,” he said, nodding to me. He could see me start to open my mouth, and
hastened to add, “In a manner of speaking, that is.”

  Tina looked at me, horrified. “Is this true? He was contained, and you loosed him on the world?”

  “You’re being overly dramatic. All I did was open a hot sauce bottle to put some on my fries—“

  “See, honey? I’m not the only one who puts hot sauce on fries!” Doug sounded so triumphant that I knew this had been a sore spot for years.

  “It’s disgusting, and just look what happened. If Danielle had used ketchup, none of this would have happened.”

  Oh my god. If that wasn’t the way Evie reasoned. Was it possible Doug had married an Evil Eye Evie of his own? Now that would be poetic justice.

  Doug was saying, “What do you want me to do, honey?” He looked at her with blatant worship in his eyes. Disgusting.

  “Hold this diaper bag,” she told him. “Let me get my prayer book out of my purse.” She brought forth a well-thumbed maroon book, and opened it to a page.

  “Wait, wait, wait,” Daemon Lucifer commanded, not looking quite as nondescript as usual. At his voice, Doug, Tina and I all looked at him. “If you want me to stick around for this, we all need to sign a little hold harmless form. Just limiting my liability, you know, in case you burn the hotel down or some other disaster strikes.” He held a thick embossed piece of paper in his hand. It looked much like the contract Doug and I had signed.

  Tina looked at him appraisingly.

  “It’s been known to happen,” he said. “An exorcism is a powerful thing. It’s been known to knock out power grids.”

  “My mother did that at a motel once just by plugging in an electric frying pan,” I observed.

  “Oh, she had more in mind than cooking dinner,” said the Devil.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, then put a hand up to stop Tina’s approach to the Devil. “Don’t sign anything,” I cautioned.

  Tina looked at me with scorn. “I am covered with the blood of the lamb,” she said. “Whatever I bind here on earth will be bound in heaven. Whatever I loose here on earth will be loosed in heaven. Give me that pen. I’ll sign for all of us.”

  “You’ve gotta be—“ Before I had time to finish the thought, she signed the form. She handed it decisively to the Devil. “Now, sir, cease with the delays.”