Most of the moments in his life he’d like to forget. He saw a lot of horrible crap on the job. But that mental picture and the way he felt when he walked in the door tonight he’d pull out and savor every time he needed something good to remind him his life was filled with more than the destruction and devastation he faced head-on at work.
“I am safe here with you.”
He wanted to believe she meant more than the fact he and the DEA agents watching his place and her made her feel safe. He wanted her to trust and count on him. He wanted it more than he’d ever wanted it with anyone else.
I’m falling fast. Maybe he should hit the brakes, slow this thing down.
“I invited your mother to have dinner with us. I hope that’s okay.”
And just like that she showed him that she fit here with him. She forgave his mother’s rude comments the other night and whatever they got into today.
“Sounds good.” Though he’d much rather have a quiet, unobtrusive evening with Alina.
“Dinner’s ready. Take a seat at the table. I’ll call your mom and Adam in for dinner.”
“I can help.”
She shook her head. “You’ve had a long day. Sit. Relax.”
And that felt nice, too. To be taken care of, rather than expected to take on more after a long day.
He sat at the table he usually forgot he had while he stood in the kitchen grazing on whatever he could find in the fridge and cupboards. He let the quiet peace in his house surround him. He listened to Alina call down to the barn, then rattle around the kitchen plating up the food. The aromatic smell made his stomach grumble. He took a sip of beer, stared at the place settings around him, and wondered what it would be like to sit down every night for dinner with Alina and a family, listening to their news, decompressing from a long day at work with people who loved him.
Wait. Nope, not going there. Sleeping with her didn’t mean . . . But the punch to the gut feeling of dread he felt when he got the call from the hospital meant something.
They’d barely begun this relationship. Hell, her brothers didn’t even know about them. They’d spent a couple of spectacular nights together, but he hadn’t even taken her on a proper date. Her brothers might kill him for the first, but maybe they’d understand if he could turn this into a real relationship.
That’s what he wanted. More of this. But with everything going on, how did he turn this into what he wanted? What he hoped Alina wanted.
She walked out of the kitchen with a platter of thick steaks and a big bowl of mashed potatoes and set them on the table in front of him.
“Do you want to go out with me?”
She stared at the food she cooked, then glanced at him and raised an eyebrow. “Now?”
He shook his head, trying to corral his swirling thoughts and make sense. “No. I mean on a date.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Because I already agreed to a date with you. Remember? Sunday. Burgers and beer and more getting-to-know-you talk.”
Jay’s mom and Adam came in through the back door and joined him at the table.
His mother glanced from Alina to him and gave him a nod that included a slight smile. Whatever those two got into earlier had turned the tide on his mother’s pessimism about Alina being here and in his life. He didn’t need her approval, but it did make things easier.
He hoped Alina’s brothers were just as easy to bring around.
“Hey, monkey, how was your day?”
Adam climbed into the seat beside him, picked up his fork, and stabbed a steak on the platter and plopped it onto his plate with a satisfied grin. No way the kid got even halfway through that big piece of meat, but let him give it a go.
Jay selected his own steak. “Not as productive as I’d like, but fine.”
“Nothing new on Alina’s accident, I take it.”
He shook his head and smiled at Adam who scooped up a huge blob of mashed potatoes and dumped them next to his steak. He used the wood spoon to carve out a hole in the middle. Alina came to the table with a bowl and ladle and filled the hole to overflowing with gravy.
Adam’s face nearly split with a wide grin as he watched the gravy drip over the edges of the potatoes. “Lava.” He swiped his finger over the side of his “volcano” and licked it clean.
Jay chuckled. “Use a fork, buddy.”
Alina spooned two helpings of green beans onto his plate. Adam looked up, one eye squinted, his mouth turned down into a disapproving frown. “Ah, come on, Auntie.”
“Vegetables, or no chocolate cake.”
Adam stabbed two green beans and popped them into his mouth.
Jay rubbed his hand over Adam’s shoulder. “Smart man.”
Alina went to the kitchen and brought back two glasses of wine and the bottle. She handed one of the glasses across the table to his mother.
“I’m so glad you like the Pinot Grigio.”
Alina lifted her glass in salute to his mother.
The new camaraderie set off his suspicions about his mother’s motives for suddenly embracing Alina.
Now who’s being cynical?
Apparently he came by it naturally. So he eyed his mother. “You brought the wine?”
His mother gave him an I’m-not-a-horrible-person look. “She cooked. I brought the wine.”
Jay took the first bite of his perfectly cooked medium rare steak and let his eyes roll back in his head as the garlic butter melted on his tongue and the hint of pepper gave it just the right amount of bite. “Oh man, that’s good.”
Alina laughed under her breath. “I’m glad you like it. That’s an impressive barbecue setup you’ve got out back.”
“I may not be a good cook, but I can grill.”
“Which explains the number of steaks, chicken thighs, and pork chops in the freezer.”
“I’m hoping you can do something equally amazing with some of those tomorrow night.”
Alina gave him one of those dazzling smiles. “You really are enjoying this.”
He laid his hand over hers on the table. “Yes, I am.”
“Are you his girlfriend?” Adam asked, licking potatoes off his lips.
Alina’s hand stiffened under his. She didn’t answer right away.
“What do you think, Adam? You think she should be my girlfriend?”
Adam studied his aunt. “She’s really nice and has a lot of chocolate.”
Jay locked eyes with Alina and couldn’t hide the smile tugging at his lips. “Everything I ever wanted in a girlfriend.” He really wanted to know what she thought about what he said, but his phone rang and drew his attention away from her and the fun.
His phone sat beside his plate. Caller ID read King, so he snatched up the phone and flipped his internal switch to work mode once again. “What’s up?” He didn’t identify himself in case someone on King’s side overheard their conversation.
Everyone at the table went silent. Alina nodded for Adam to finish his dinner. His mother stared at him, then Alina, gauging her reaction to him taking the call at the dinner table. Alina seemed to take it in stride.
“Sorry, man, I thought I’d kill some time while I staked out a potential lead. She’s on the move. Gotta go.” King had his full attention.
“What lead?” He stood and went into the kitchen.
His mother’s words behind him irritated him. “Get used to it. Work always comes first.”
Alina didn’t respond to his mother. At least not with words and he couldn’t see her face to tell if the call bothered her.
King filled him in on the new development. “Cara’s friend and waitress. Tandy’s been meeting with one of Iceman’s men.”
He’d told King if he couldn’t turn Cara to their side to take Iceman down to find another way. Tandy might be the inside person they needed to finally arrest Iceman.
“I think she’s dealing for him.”
“Do you need backup?” Jay started forming a plan in his head.
“I got this. Talk to you later. She’s on the move.”
Jay was used to things moving fast and situations changing on a dime.
King sucked in a breath. “What the fuck?”
“What’s happening?” Jay went back on alert, ready to move if King needed help.
“She didn’t get in her car. She’s headed for the truck stop across the street.”
“Headed for dinner? Looking for company?” Good assumptions given the time and the fact Tandy lived over the coffee shop King worked undercover at in the middle of nowhere.
“Maybe. I’m headed that way to see which one she’s on the hunt for, or if she’s looking for some kind of trouble.”
“Who’s watching Cara?” Jay wanted to remind King of his true purpose there: getting Cara to give them information to take down her father, Iceman.
“She’s at home waiting for me to tell her if her best friend is stabbing her in the back.” Resentment filled King’s words, but Jay’s job was to keep King on task and focused on the goal.
“You sure she won’t tip off Tandy?”
“Loyalty is more important to Cara than anything. If Tandy is involved with Iceman, it will crush her.” King didn’t want Cara to get hurt. He didn’t usually work undercover and seemed to be having trouble keeping his feelings out of this assignment.
“You’re getting close to Cara.” If King got too close to Cara and couldn’t do the job, Jay would have to pull him out and find another way to get Iceman.
“That’s the job, right?”
Get close to the mark, earn their trust, and use whatever they gave you to get the target. So far, Cara hadn’t given King what they needed. Now he was after Tandy. A good call? Jay wasn’t sure, but he’d give King leeway to find out. “It is. You have to get close to people to get them to trust you. Just be sure your mission is clear.”
“Cara’s too conflicted about her feelings for her father. Turning her against him seems easy, but it’s not. As you suggested, I found another route to get to Iceman. I’m going to follow it and see if it leads me to his end. That’s the mission. That’s the job. So let me do it my way.”
“Never said you were doing it wrong. Just making sure you’re thinking with the right head.”
Flash hung up on him. Jay dropped his phone on the counter, planted his hands on the edge, and hung his head between his shoulders. Jay couldn’t fault King for falling for the wrong person, if that’s what was happening. And wrong wasn’t quite right. Cara and King together might be great. Under different circumstances. If Cara wasn’t the daughter of a notorious lieutenant in one of the deadliest drug cartels and King wasn’t a DEA agent assigned to take him down.
Which made Jay think of him and Alina. He wanted a wife and family now. She’d just started her professional life and probably wasn’t ready to settle down for a quiet life with a man who spent far more time working than enjoying life.
His mostly full plate appeared on the counter in front of him. Alina’s hand ran up his back to his shoulder.
“Eat before you have to go.”
“I don’t have to leave.” This time. “But that could change at any moment.”
She stood beside him, reached out and placed her hand on his face, and made him turn toward her. She locked gazes with him, no animosity or censure in her eyes. “Then you should eat and enjoy the evening while you can.”
He turned, cupped her beautiful face in his hands, leaned down, and kissed her forehead, wishing he had the words to tell her how much her understanding meant to him. And how much he hoped that understanding didn’t turn to resentment if they really did make a go at a relationship together.
She hadn’t commented on the whole girlfriend thing. It didn’t seem right to bring it up now and push for everything he wanted. Not when she’d just gotten another glimpse of what his day-to-day life was like. Calls in the middle of the night and during dinner. Him leaving on a moment’s notice. The shift in his moods. He’d been smiling and laughing at the dinner table with her, Adam, and his mother and now his mind was on King and whatever danger he might be facing. He’d be on edge until King called back with an update.
Until then, he’d put his worries on the back burner and hold Alina close while he could.
Sensing his need for her, she stepped into him, wrapped her arms around his back, laid her head on his shoulder, and held him. She didn’t say anything, just stood in his arms and held on as long as he needed her.
The answer to that might be forever, she felt that good in his arms.
Which meant he had some things to figure out, like how to hold on to her and not drive her away with his work and chaotic life.
“It’s okay, Jay. I do understand.”
He didn’t know what to say, so he held her away, stared down into her sincere eyes, sank his fingers into her silky hair, held her head, and hoped she saw in his eyes all he didn’t know how to say. It boiled down to one thing: hold on.
As if she read his mind, her hands gripped his sides. A silent signal that she wouldn’t let go.
He wanted to believe it, but had been disappointed in the past. And for the first time in a long time, he really didn’t want to blow it.
“Auntie, can I have chocolate cake now?” Adam walked in with his mostly cleaned plate.
Alina placed her hand on Jay’s chest and gave him one last long look, then turned her attention to Adam. “Sure, honey.”
Jay’s mother walked in behind Adam. “Everything okay?”
“Fine.” He took his plate and put it in the microwave, set the timer, then hit Start, sending the plate spinning. “Alina, did you finish your dinner?”
“Not yet.”
“Bring your plate. I’ll heat it up. We’ll finish while the monster devours his cake.”
Alina sliced a thick chunk from the fudge-covered chocolate cake and set it on a paper plate.
Adam’s eyes went round with anticipation. He took the plate with a “Thank you,” and headed back to the table.
The microwave dinged. Jay took his plate out and replaced it with Alina’s.
She grabbed the bottle of pain meds from the shelf next to the stove and popped a pill in her mouth.
“I thought you said you were feeling better.”
Alina set the bottle back on the shelf and turned to him. “All the cooking and moving around made my shoulder and neck sore again.” She tilted her head and stared into the distance, thinking.
“What is it?”
She shook her head. “Nothing.”
“Alina?”
She scrunched her mouth, then admitted, “I should have waited another hour to take the pill. I felt it wearing off and the stiffness and pain coming back and . . .”
“And you felt you needed it. It’s okay. It’s only been a day. I’m surprised you’re doing as well as you are, but you need to take it easy and give yourself time to heal. Do too much and you’ll make it worse and need more of those.”
Her lips tilted in a pinched half smile. “You’re right. I’ll be more careful.”
She went to the cupboard, then fridge, and poured two glasses of iced tea. “No more wine with the meds.” She handed him one glass. “In case you have to leave later.”
Yeah, he rarely got to have more than one beer. Not that he needed more, but it would be nice to not have to think about leaving in the middle of the night like he did all the time.
Alina took her plate and his. “Come on. Let’s eat.” She walked out of the kitchen, just as his mom walked back in.
“It’s not going to change, you know.”
Jay didn’t want to ask, but did so anyway. “What?”
“The calls, the late-night and all-night stakeouts and raids, the constant interruptions and demands on your time. It’s the job. I know that. It seems she does, too. But it doesn’t change the fact that she’ll bear the brunt of keeping you together because when you’re gone you’ve got all that work stuff to occupy your mind and time and all she’ll
have is loneliness and unfulfilled wishes for company.”
It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the whole truth either.
“It’s not all on her. I’m part of the equation that makes up us. Her happiness matters to me. If I want to keep her, I’ll have to give her a reason to stay.”
“There are lots of reasons to stay. Love. Money. Kids. It’s better than truly being alone. But it doesn’t make the day-to-day any easier to bear.”
“It wasn’t all bad for you and Dad. I remember the good times. I remember you guys laughing and having fun together.”
“Sometimes we did, but those times became fewer and fewer as the years went on.”
“Maybe he let work consume him. Maybe you let resentment push you further away.”
“I tried to keep us together.”
Jay pressed his lips together to keep from snapping at her that having an affair wasn’t the way to hold on to someone you supposedly loved. It was retaliation. It was mean. It was not a way to mend fences, but a means to tear them down.
“Alina and I aren’t you and Dad. Stop telling her I’m not worth the effort. Stop telling me I’m so self-centered I’ll never be able to give someone the care and kindness they deserve.”
“I’m not saying that at all.”
“Aren’t you? You’ve made it clear that you think so long as I’m DEA I’ll never be good enough to marry and have a family with because I simply won’t be here to do it. I’ll be too busy doing my job and not loving them. That’s not how things work. That’s not how I do things. I am capable of being a DEA agent and a good man. Dad was, too. Your unhappiness wasn’t solely because of his job. You should ask yourself why he wanted to stay at work rather than come home.”
“You blame me.” The surprise in her voice didn’t match the guilt in her eyes.
“You were both at fault. That’s what you don’t seem to get. For all he did to you, you gave it back. You both gave up and that’s when it fell apart. You don’t think I’ll even try, so I should just give it up before it ever starts to be something. Well, Alina and I are already something. We’re figuring it out together. So long as we do that and keep things honest between us, then there’s no reason to think it will all fall apart because I have to go to work when it’s inconvenient.”
Tempted by Love Page 14