Happy Chaos

by Soleil Moon Frye

  Jason was stuck in his seat with no idea what to do about his unconscious fiancée. In a minute I was back up on my feet and escorted back to my seat. What happened to me up there? I haven’t the foggiest.

  Finally, four hours into the show, the spectacle ended. Before Jason could shove us out the door, a guy came up to us and said that Mr. Hinn wanted to see us. Jason said, “NO!” My mother said, “YES!”

  Next thing we knew, we were in Benny Hinn’s private quarters, and he was handing out blessings. First he put his hand on my mother’s head, and boom, she was down for the count. Then he put his hand on my head, and down I went. Last, it was Jason’s turn. Hinn put his hand on Jason’s head, and . . . nothing. Hinn squinted at Jason and cocked his head slightly.

  There are times in our lives when we have to make a defining decision. For Jason, in this moment, the decision was: Is this my family, or not? Am I truly one of them, or am I going to slide out that door and wait for these lunatics in the parking lot? Jason, bless him, decided to stick around. And so there was only one thing for him to do in that moment. Benny Hinn’s hand on his forehead, Jason went down for the count—fully conscious.

  And to that I say: HALLELUJAH!

  S.P.S.

  The joys of family by marriage . . .

  I know we sound a little eccentric—and we are—but I think part of what brought Jason and me together is that we are such opposites; and as wild and crazy as we can be, we are a family. A colorful and unique one. I didn’t grow up with a sister, and I feel so blessed that my brother married such an amazing woman—Ilse. One of my big joys in life is when Jason and I go out on a double date with Meeno and Ilse. We get a babysitter and the cousins all stay together and have their own movie night. I know that having this closeness—both for us and for the girls—is so awesome in our lives.

  Let’s hear it for grandparents . . .

  What would we do without grandparents? I didn’t grow up with them, although I had an amazing god-grandmother named Jackie, and Jason’s grandmother became one to me. But I didn’t have what my kids have. I feel so blessed that our kids have awesome grandparents. And I know a lot of people really see their own parents with new eyes when their parents become grandparents. All the baggage of our childhoods can fall away when we learn just how hard it is to be a parent, and how much they love our kids—and how much our kids love them.

  8

  Please, Sir, May I Have Another?

  Question of the day: What did you do to prepare your older child for the arrival of a new sibling?

  “Have them talk to the baby and love on the belly continuously.”

  —Collette

  “My son was only a year and 5 months old, and is Autistic, so we tried to talk to him about his sister that was on the way, but he was not old enough to understand. If he were older, I’d involve him in getting the baby’s room ready, buying things for the baby—just making him feel involved and important. And I would assure him the baby wouldn’t affect my love for him.”

  —Sheila

  “I involved her in as much as possible. Dr visits, baby shower, etc. I made sure to show her and tell her that I love her at every possible opportunity. I explained that even though there will be a new baby, that I love her the same as always—more and more each day, but I would have to give the baby a lot of attention for a while. After her sister came, I involved her in diaper changes, baths, feedings, etc. so she wouldn’t feel as left out and ignored . . . and gave big praises for her help.”

  —Dana

  “I made a big deal out of what a cool thing it was to be a big sister—I was one, after all. Not that she agrees at this point . . . lol.”

  —Cari

  always wanted a big family. I remember being really little and telling my mom that I wanted to have a hundred kids. She told me to be a teacher. Now, of course, there are some days when I feel like I can barely handle the two kids I have. Other days, especially when I hold my youngest and I realize how big she’s getting, I want to have more.

  Poet was just about two when we got down to business and decided to have another baby. I’d heard all the stories about older siblings who wanted to send the baby back when they came home from the hospital. Yikes, I thought. I really didn’t want that to happen.

  So from the very start we set out to make Poet feel totally included. We told her the news right away, and we let her know that as the big sister she was really, really important to this baby. We all talked about our favorite names, and Poet was constantly talking to the baby in my belly.

  The last few weeks of my pregnancy were this incredibly defining experience for our little family. I slowed down to be with Poet—totally and completely, with no distractions. We walked around the neighborhood and looked at butterflies and trees. We got ice cream and took our time eating it. We smelled the flowers. We cuddled close and talked about the baby coming. My godmother, Patricia, came to stay with us, and she showered both of us with attention. It was a totally magical time that set an amazing tone of love and welcoming.

  Poet and me enjoying the moment together as we waited for Jagger’s arrival

  Jagger was born two weeks late, on March 17, 2008. Once again I had my playlist and my sheets from home, but this time I added a picture of Poet to my room at the hospital. The Soleil Moon Frye Birthing Team was back together again—Demi was a coach, Tori was right alongside her, and so were my mom and godmother. The whole room vibrated with music just the way it did when Poet was born.

  After Jagger was born, we just wanted to get home. We didn’t even take the time to bathe her in the hospital! Jason brought Poet to pick us up, and the look on her face was this amazing mixture of shock, awe, and pure love at first sight.

  We wanted to keep that loving feeling going, so at home, we included Poet in everything. Jason and I each had our special moments with Jagger—she was this little Buddha baby, totally peaceful. And when one of us was with her, the other one was focused on Poet. Three days after Jagger was born, she stayed with my mom for a few hours while we took Poet to see the trains in Griffith Park. It was one of our favorite places to go before Jagger was born, and we wanted Poet to know that the world she knew before wasn’t closing down—it was just getting bigger and more colorful.

  A few weeks later, Jason was working in San Diego, and I took Poet to LEGOLAND and the San Diego Zoo. It seems totally crazy now that I look back on it—I’d just gotten rid of that beautiful mesh granny panty and ice pack combo, and I was running around an amusement park already. What was I thinking?

  But it was worth it. Our crazy campaign worked, and Poet felt very special and included. We made Jagger’s arrival into such a joyous celebration that Poet welcomed her sister with open arms. And we all learned that our hearts just keep on expanding with our family, and there’s no limit to how much we can love.

  Here I am with my two little girls; I couldn’t be happier as our family grew.

  S.P.S.

  Making way for number two (or three, or four) . . .

  There are all kinds of ways to include older kids in getting ready for a new sibling. One of our favorite things to do with Poet was baby naming. We would come up with fun ideas together. Poet also helped me with picking out clothes for Jagger and giving her the things that she had outgrown. The most important times are those precious weeks before the new baby comes. It is such a great time to bond and share your love with your kids. Also, you can let them come up with fun ideas that they want to do with the new baby, like planning an outing the first month. Art projects are another wonderful way to engage your older children. They can help decorate the baby’s room and make it special. If your older child is losing some space to the new sibling, try making them a part of the new design. They can help you pick out fun paint colors or new toy bins. Another important thing for us was reusing with our second baby. Half of Jagger’s things in her room—her dresser, armoire, and clothes—came from Poet. There’s nothing more eco than that, and it is also far more afford
able than buying all new stuff.

  Plan activities for after the baby comes . . .

  Before the new baby comes, ask for your older child’s help in coming up with some fun activities that you can do together—with just you and them. This way your older child has some one-on-one time to look forward to and they can see that their interests are still really important to you. Maybe it’s a play-date with their best friend, or a trip to their favorite park or beach—or a combination of all of the above. No matter what, make it something special and out of the ordinary, and all about the older sibling.

  A little sentence to finish . . .

  When I brought my new baby home from the hospital, the first thing my older child said was . . .

  “That’s not our baby. Our baby in there (patting my stomach).”

  —Genie

  “When is the baby going back in your tummy? I want my lap back.”

  —Carrie

  “I want to hold him!”

  —Amy L.

  “Could he go to the bathroom?”

  —Alea

  9

  Trusting My Gut, and Not the One I Came Home with After the Baby

  Question of the day: When has following your gut gotten you into or out of trouble?

  “I followed my gut by deciding not to further my education beyond 2 years of college (and no degree). I am happy to be where I am now, but I think I could have seriously benefitted from a good education. The best part is that you are never too old for education!”

  —Amanda

  “Too many times to recount. I trust my gut, my instincts. I’ve learned that as a mom, it’s the one thing you should always listen to!”

  —Jeannette C.

  “Following my gut actually has always gotten me out of trouble for my entire life. It is when I second guess that feeling that I actually get into trouble!”

  —Luna

  “Co-sleeping. I cannot get her out of my bed now without her KNOWING it. However, I have faith that she will fall from the apple tree eventually. I actually believe that co-sleeping will prove to have GREAT benefits in the future.”

  —Natalie

  People ask me all the time what it was like to work from such a young age. The truth is acting never felt like work to me—especially not on Punky Brewster.

  That set was our home away from home, our school, and our playground all rolled into one. The other kids on the show and I would ride around the lot on our scooters, we’d pogo-stick around the Santa Barbara set right next door, down the hallways, off of furniture, and through the makeup room. It was so much fun, and it never felt like work.

  When I wasn’t taping Punky, I attended a free-spirited private school that was all about hands-on learning. I went there from preschool to junior high. I became a total mad scientist in sixth grade, thanks to my amazing science teacher. When we were dissecting rats in school I got so attached to mine that I named it Mellow Yellow. My teacher let me bring the rat back to the Punky set with me to show everyone. I then took it to my friend Cherie’s house for a sleepover that night. I forgot to tell Cherie’s mom that I’d stuck the formaldehydesoaked rat in her freezer, so when Mrs. Johnson reached in for a Popsicle later that night and came out with Mellow Yellow instead, she actually fainted. Oops.

  That same science teacher taught us how to grow wheat, and then how to make alcohol from the wheat (and if we had a note from our parents, we were allowed to bring a sample home). I loved chemistry, so my teacher supplied me with ingredients to take home and experiment with to my heart’s content. I gathered all our neighbors around, mixed judicious amounts of sulfur and magnesium together, and blew up a nearby manhole cover. It was a huge hit on our block.

  I hope my girls get to learn from someone brilliant just like my science teacher, maybe minus the vodka making. He inspired me and all of his students to go out and follow their passion, and that’s the kind of parent I want to be. Poet loves performing, so we give her every opportunity to dress up and express herself. Jagger’s a little comedian—so who knows, maybe she’ll grow up to do stand-up. Or not. Wherever their passions lead them, we want to be there telling them to go with their gut and do what they love.

  I think a big ingredient in good parenting is having the confidence to follow your gut, and the flexibility and courage to let your kids follow theirs. I was inspired to follow my gut by the unique people in my life and also from my mom, who could have discouraged me from pursuing my dream of acting, but instead went with her gut and let me go with mine.

  Thanks to her, I got to know myself really well, and I’ve always been able to stay true to myself and what’s best for me. I remember when Jason and I got together, we were such opposites. When we told my mother that we were getting married, she said we’d be lucky to make it ten years! She has never lived that down, but I definitely don’t blame my mom for being worried—I was only twenty-one years old, and although my mom loved Jason, she felt like we were so young. I was still her baby, after all. But thankfully I followed my heart (just the way my mom raised me to do), and I knew that Jason was the one.

  For me, parenting has been the same—I believe in trusting my instincts, and so far they haven’t led me wrong. When Poet was really little, she was incredibly shy (like mother, like daughter). She had so many fears. Fears of people, places, and things—especially fireworks. To this day she has incredibly sensitive ears. I suppose we could have pushed her into situations where she’d have to learn to adjust to new people and big sounds, but trying to negate her fears just never felt right to me. In my heart I knew that when the time was right, she’d get past them.

  Just last week, we went to Disneyland with the girls and my nieces. My nieces are older than Poet, and I could see Poet wanting to follow them onto the bigger, scarier rides. And then the moment of truth came—Space Mountain. I kind of looked at Poet sideways to gauge her response. She said she really wanted to go, and I thought—all right, if she says she’s ready, then she’s ready. And she absolutely loved it. Then, right after she got off the ride, the fireworks were about to start. I told her that we could stay inside and she could cover her ears. She looked at me and said, “Or maybe I could go out and watch them and maybe I’ll be okay.” And she did—and it was.

  Our big family at one of our favorite places in the universe, the magical world of Disneyland

  There I stood, watching my daughter dance with her cousins under the crackle and boom of the fireworks. She had found her way through her fears, just like my gut told me she would.

  S.P.S.

  Listening to your gut . . .

  Sometimes we want to help our kids make good decisions—or we want to make good decisions for them—and it feels like our heart and gut are telling us one thing, and our brain is telling us another. If our kids tell us they don’t want to try something new—maybe a class or a sport or even a new food—we’re not sure if we should push them to do it, or if we should let them be. I’ve learned that sometimes the best way to figure this out is to really listen to your children. Then ask questions, and really listen to their answers. When kids say they don’t like something and don’t want to do it, sometimes it just means they don’t like one part of it. And if you find out what that is, you can ease them through it instead of giving up on the activity altogether. For instance, Poet loves her dance class, so I was surprised when she came home from class one day and said she didn’t want to go to dance class anymore. So I kept asking her questions, and I really listened to her, and finally, after a long heart-to-heart, it came out that she just didn’t like the style of dance that they were doing for a few minutes at the end. Kids can often see things as black or white—“I love it!” or “I hate it!”—and sometimes they need our help to see the gray areas. Once I reassured her that I would talk to the teacher and that she could sit out that part of the class if she really wanted to, she was fine, and back to dance class she went. The next day she was dancing her heart out and even joined in at the end. She just needed to be
heard and understood. Sometimes all they need is for us to listen—really listen.

  Follow their passion . . .

  Is there anything more amazing to watch than a kid who discovers they love something new? It’s such a joy. You may not be able to send your future astronaut to the moon, or take your little marine explorer scuba diving, but there are lots of ways to encourage our kids’ interests without breaking the bank. Poet has started really loving math, so at dinnertime we’ll go around the table doing simple math problems. And a trip to the library is the cheapest way of all to encourage kids’ interests. If you have a kid who loves music, let them play with your iPod and make their own playlists. Pretty soon you’ll want them to make playlists for you. And if you have a budding artist, make sure that they have a little spot all their own to make masterpieces without worrying about making a mess. Because following your gut can get messy—but it’s so worth it!