Happy Chaos

by Soleil Moon Frye

  Here I am arriving at summer camp with my sleeping bag and sunglasses, everything a tween needs!

  Of course, my older brother Meeno was there, and I had Tori with me, too. That camp was so awesome. It doesn’t exist anymore, which is so sad, because I really would send my girls there if I could. (In a few more years, when they’re older!) It was in Calabasas, California, and I treasure every little memory. I remember the lanterns, the crafts we’d make, riding horses and dirt bikes, and going to dances. We’d run up and down the dunes at Point Dune, where the counselors would take us for overnight camping and tell us the most amazing stories. I remember my older friend, Chrissy, who’d pack all her stuff for the beach overnights in a black trash bag—including her curling iron. Of course, there were no outlets at the beach.

  The boys and girls weren’t separated at my camp (no wonder I loved it so much). There was this boy named Danny Wells who both Tori and I had huge crushes on. I swear, at age fourteen he had six-pack abs. So Tori and I spent one whole summer obsessing over him. Then the next summer, Danny and I got together. It was the full-on summer camp romance—sneaking away from the counselors and talking all night. I remember the song of that summer was the Bangles’ “Eternal Flame,” and that song still comes to mind when I think of Danny. Tori was beyond upset with me for hooking up with him, and it got so bad that she actually moved her bunk away from mine. When Tori got upset, our other friend Chrissy tried to figure out why Tori was so crushed about this guy. She said, “Tori, what’s he into?” Tori said, “He’s a wrestler.” Chrissy’s response? I will never forget this. She said, “Tori, he rolls around on the floor with another guy. You know what you need? You need a surfer.”

  I learned that and so much more when my mother was nowhere nearby. Then I would come home and tell my mom about all of my crazy adventures and it became a really beautiful bonding experience for us. Even if it is hard to let go a little bit, it will make our kids full of more experiences, awe, and wonder. I know the thought of my kids becoming teenagers is enough to make me cry, but every thread that comes loose, every growing pain that makes them stronger, can also build strength and trust between us and our children.

  I’m happy to think of all the wonderful things my girls are going to experience—even if it makes me sad when I realize I won’t always be there to see them. One of these days I know I’m going to have to set them free and share my girls with the world just like my mom did with me. Then Poet and Jagger can have their own adventures—without me. And I’ll be here, waiting for them to come home and tell me everything. Or at least call.

  I find myself saying every day, “You will always be Mommy’s little baby forever.” I say this over and over again, and I’m not sure if my kids like to hear it as much as I like to say it. It’s probably my way of telling myself that no matter how far from the nest my kids wander, something will always bring them back. I just hope that wandering time doesn’t come too fast.

  S.P.S.

  The letters to my little ones . . .

  It’s hard to watch our children grow up, but at the same time we want to encourage them to be their own people. Writing a letter is a great way to show your love throughout time. One of my favorite things to do is to write my girls letters at different stages in their lives. I tell them about the people they are and how much they inspire me. I seal the envelope, and one day I hope that we get to read them together or that they will read them on their own. I want them to be able to reflect on the children that they were and see that throughout the different steps in their lives, Mom and Dad were there for them and loved them always with an open heart.

  Encouraging a little independence . . .

  You might not be ready to send your five-year-old to camp, but your five-year-old can help choose clothes and even have fun getting themselves dressed. Just the other day Poet said, “Mom, I’m going to get myself dressed.” I replied, “Okay.” She came out in a colorful outfit that she had put together herself. It was unique and she was proud. I complimented her on what a great job she had done, and she felt really good about it. I think being aware of the power we have to build our children’s spirit is so important to how we raise our little ones. And even if it is hard when your kid walks in with hot pink cowboy boots, mismatched socks, and a crazy-looking top, it’s better to make them feel good about their choice and enjoy it for a little while than to knock them down. That free spirit is an amazing thing and can really help define the people they grow into. Who knows, you may have a future fashion designer in the making.

  Allowing them to be creative and helpful in the kitchen . . .

  Last night the girls and I made a big feast for Jason. I asked Poet if she could help me make a Caprese salad. I then washed and sliced the tomatoes and basil. I gave her mozzarella and green olives to decorate the plate. She pulled a chair over to the counter, washed her hands, and started creating the most beautiful Caprese salad I have ever seen. I didn’t try to change what she was doing or constantly correct her. I allowed her creative freedom to make it her own. She was so happy with it when she was finished, and both she and Jagger were thrilled when Jason came home from work and his face lit up seeing what they had created. So whether it is having your kids help in the kitchen, clean their rooms, help around the house, or create their own fashions, let them exercise a little independence while allowing them to do it in their own unique way.

  My amazing achievements at summer camp :) lol

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  Rated PG

  Question of the day: How do you plan on telling your kids where babies come from and at what age?

  “I explained generally when my kids were about 10. But they don’t know the specifics about sex yet. I don’t think they are mature enough to hear that yet. I think it depends on the child though. Some might be ready to hear sooner than others.”

  —Sheila

  “Straightforward, lots of love and care, and when the conversations with my children lead to those topics.”

  —Nicole P.

  “Uh, I have an 11-year-old boy so my husband has already started the series of ‘talks’ with him. He will tell our sons and I will tell our daughters. So far, whenever any of them have asked a question about where babies come from, I tell them simple truthful answers.”

  —Irene

  “When they are ready. The first time my son asked he was 5. I told him. I didn’t use technical terms, I explained it in language he could understand. I did the same when he asked two years later, and last year when he asked I told him again. That time it stuck.”

  —Allen

  I had endless adventures as a kid, and I got to do amazing things and meet fascinating people. No matter how much I did and saw, though, I still felt and acted like a kid. It’s all thanks to my mother, who always worked incredibly hard to protect my innocence. When I was traveling for Punky, Tori usually came along with me, and instead of taking us shopping or out to a fancy restaurant, my mom would find out where the nearest carnival was and take us there.

  I hope to do the same for my girls—expose them to lots of wonderful things, while not rushing them to grow up any faster than they already are. I know that it’s easier said than done, though. I was at a party a few weeks ago and there was a nine-year-old girl all decked out in the height of tween fashion, carrying a purse and making calls on a cell phone. I was kind of horrified, but then I asked myself, What about when my girls are a little older and they go someplace without me—will I want them to be able to call me, and will I give them a cell phone to use? I guess I’ll find out when the time comes!

  I’ve always said that Poet is five going on fifteen at times, so I already know what it’s like to gently put on the brakes. When we go into a clothing store, of course she gravitates to the brightest, most sparkly outfits, and she went through a stage where she absolutely refused to wear pants. So finally I convinced her to wear leggings under her bright, spinny skirts. I’d love to get her into a pair of jeans, but who am I to squelch her free expre
ssion, especially when it comes to clothes? Especially since my idea of getting dressed when I was little was to decorate myself head to toe in finger paints and wear nothing but a pair of roller skates.

  My friend Danny Masterson will never let me forget that I’m responsible for robbing him of just a little bit of his innocence way back in preschool. Let’s just say that I had a bit of a problem with underwear. Meaning: I refused to wear any. And I didn’t really like pants, either. In fact, the only type of clothing that my mother could get me to wear without com - plaint was oversize T-shirts—and nothing else. The preschool agreed to allow me to go to school dressed like that, but given the lack of underwear, they asked my mother to make sure that my T-shirts were especially long. Right around that time, the boys at school launched “Flip-up Fridays,” when they’d flip up the girls’ skirts. Danny said he got his first introduction to female anatomy when he flipped up my T-shirt.

  My incredible friend Danny Masterson and me at five years old. I still have the picture in the same seventies frame on my mantel.

  Our kids are learning all kinds of lessons from the world around them—and some take us by surprise. One of my favorite movies is Grease—I have an obsession with both Grease and Grease 2 that has lived on through my girls. Remember in the “Happy Birthday” chapter when I told you about Poet’s fifth-birthday party? It had a Grease theme and was as fun for me as it was for them. But even I gulped a little when we watched Grease together for the first time and we got to the make-out part (which I had conveniently forgotten all about).

  Poet has seen enough kissing in movies to have some ideas about how and why it’s done. These days her main response to the concept is “yuck,” but those curious wheels are already starting to turn in her head. A month or so ago she was riding along in the backseat of our car when suddenly she asked us, “How did you and Mommy have me?” So Jason said that he and I love each other, and then we made her together. That seemed to satisfy her for the time being. Then Jason and I shared a look as we wondered what our future conversations of this nature with our children would be like. Both of us sat in the car staring ahead, not saying a word. I began having flashbacks to my own childhood and all of my questions. This is it, I thought to myself. Just a short time ago I was the kid asking my mom where babies came from, and in the blink of an eye, my own kids are asking me the same thing. And just like that, I became my mother. We all do, if only for a moment at a time. That person we never think we will be like when we grow up is the person we see in our own reflection. How did that happen so fast? And how do our kids grow up so fast?

  S.P.S.

  The big talk . . .

  I think it may be a myth that there’s one “big talk” about sex that you need to have with your kids. Maybe it’s really lots of little talks, and they happen when your kid is ready (and yes, even if you’re not ready). How do you know your kid is ready? When they’re asking questions is one good sign. But you don’t necessarily want to assume that this is the only time you should talk to them. Maybe there’s a situation in a storybook, movie, or television show that you can use to explain a small concept. Or maybe you have a friend who’s pregnant, and that’s an opportunity for a talk. I think it’s best to keep the lines of communication open. Thinking of outside-the-box ways to talk to your kids about subjects that can be sensitive for us is always helpful as well. When I talk about body image with my little ones, often I will refer to an Italian painting or piece of artwork that shows different shapes and sizes. I think the most important thing is to try not to make your children feel ashamed about their curiosity. When our kids see that there’s no shame in asking questions or being confused—and that there are no shameful subjects—they’re much more likely to raise their own questions when they have them. This allows us to try to help them have a better understanding while encouraging them to feel a comfort in confiding in us.

  There’s no such thing as a stupid question . . .

  As you know by now, I’m a big believer in open communication in a family. It really affects every area of our lives as parents. We want our kids to feel that they can tell us anything—and that they can ask us anything. But that doesn’t happen overnight—you have to work on it every day. Our lives are so busy that sometimes we really have to make a point of talking to each other and truly listening. Make sure your kids know that you always want them to come to you with questions. I say to my kids all the time that there are no stupid questions, and I think it is important to continue bringing that up. If they don’t learn things from home, they will pick it up somewhere else. So it’s better that they have an accurate understanding from you than to get misinformation.

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  Crushes

  Question of the day: Who was your first love, and how old were you?

  “My best friend growing up, Steve. We were 11. I never told him though. He was too good of a friend, and I was scared.”

  —AnaLiesa

  “As a very young child (4-5 years old) I was in love with two Turkish twins who were in my school! I imagined I would fly away to their country with them (both!) on a helicopter with their mommy on board . . .”

  —Amelie

  “My first love was a guy named Joe and I was 13. He was my best friend and we were together for 2 years. I still miss him to this day.”

  —Lisa M.

  “When I was in 6th grade—I finally went on a real date with him when I was 15 and he was having an acid trip the whole time. I demanded to be taken home and that crush was OVER!”

  —Jessica

  “My first love was Mike at the age of 17. He was gorgeous, sweet, and it didn’t last as long as I wished it would.”

  —Sherill

  It is hard to talk about my love of boys without a time line because I really was that boy-crazy. For as far back as I can remember, I always loved boys. Even before I could talk, my big brother’s friends would come over to visit and give me bear hugs or tickle me as I turned beet red with shyness. I loved the attention. By the time I was five, I was pretending Danny Masterson was my boyfriend. He was my best friend, and we would do sleepovers on a regular basis. I even went to New York to stay with his family and I slept on the lower bunk of his trundle bed. I still remember those adorable little boy blankets, all blue and snuggly, while my best buddy/future husband slept above me. To this day he is still one of my closest friends. My husband and he are close as well. Funny how things turn out.

  By the time I was about six, I really fell in love. It was Valentine’s Day, or maybe we were just cutting heart-shaped cards, but there I sat in the trailer that the kids would hang out in on our set school of Little Shots when he walked in. His name was Joey Lawrence, and he had the hottest bowl cut I had ever seen. It kind of moved all at once when he walked up the stairs into the room. He had this smile and his eyes sparkled. I think I may have heard birds chirping that day. He smiled; I smiled back. That young love would last for years off and on. And as fate would have it, I did Punky Brewster at the same time he was on Gimme a Break!

  Lucky for me, in the eighties every show on NBC was like a family, and for every NBC special all the shows would come together to perform. Whether it was singing beside Nell Carter and Don Johnson, or dancing beside Betty White and Michael J. Fox, our paths all inevitably crossed. I would bump into Joan Collins while someone put on my ChapStick backstage, or get a big hug from one of the cast members from The Facts of Life. When I say it was like a family at NBC, I really mean it. But back to my love of boys . . .

  Here I am with the Lawrences and Tori at Venice Beach, way back in the day

  Joey and I would cross paths over the years. Our families became very close, and the next thing we knew, we were off to Finland to film The Andy Williams Christmas Special together with about a dozen other kids, listening to Wham! By the time I turned eight, I considered him my full-on boyfriend. I will never forget the glorious night when we were both at the opening of Captain Eo at Disneyland. It was on the Pirates of the Caribbean
ride when I lay my head gently against his bowl cut that I fell in love for the first time. Throughout those years we stayed friends. We would run through the Beverly Center and hide under the benches, always my favorite way to spend a Saturday night. But by the time he started Blossom, our love had faded. After a visit to his home in the Valley, his parents drove me home one night and I knew something had changed, although I would carry the memory of our love for years to come.

  My first intense, heart-pounding infatuation came when I was eight. It was the moment I met Andy Gibb. To this day, I can still smell his cologne and hear his voice. He did two episodes of Punky Brewster, and my love only grew as we worked together. He had the biggest heart of anyone I had ever met, and he showed me such kindness. He wore these bright red leather pants and he made me feel like I was a queen. After we finished taping the second episode, he asked me to come to his room because he had something special for me. I walked in, my heart pounding through my chest, and he told me to close my eyes. He wore the same black sequined jacket on Punky that he had worn when he hosted Solid Gold, and as my eyes were shut tight, he wrapped it around me and told me that it now belonged to me. I still have the jacket to this day. A few months ago, I was standing in a store with my daughters when I heard the song that he sang to me on Punky playing. It was a song I had searched for over the years and now someone else was singing it, but it was the same song. My heart melted and tears fell down my cheeks. My girls said, “Mommy, what’s wrong?” I replied, “Someone very special once sang this to me.” When we got home, we curled up on the couch and I played them the clip of him singing to me on YouTube. The video was grainy and old-school, but if you looked closely at my face, you could see how in love with him I was.