What are the early signs?
For us it started with the small things. He would write down little reminders everywhere, forget to get gasoline for his car, etc. We did not realize that he was covering up just how little he could remember. He was a great actor, and he hid the progression of his disease. We would always make light of it, unaware of just how serious it had become. Certainly there are times we can all be forgetful, but if you are truly concerned for a loved one or yourself and you have any questions at all, the Alzheimer’s Association is an amazing support. Remember that no matter what, you always must keep a sense of humor. That has been one of the greatest lessons for me. Otherwise it gets so heavy that you just want to cry. Better to laugh and cry than to be heartbroken and cry without the laughter.
Thank you . . .
I want to thank all of the social workers and caregivers who have shown my father such love as his symptoms have progressed. I also wish to reach out to all of the millions of families who are affected by Alzheimer’s and dementia—thank you for sharing your stories, voices, and memories.
If you would like to learn more about how you can help the fight against Alzheimer’s, please go to www.actionalz.org.
36
Don’t Stop Make-believing
Question of the day: What activity do you love doing with your kids most?
“My daughter is only 15 months, so we haven’t had tons of experiences yet—but I just love bringing her out to do new things. Seeing her react to just being out among people, and all the new things she sees/hears/touches—it’s exciting. Right now, our absolute favorite thing to do is dance!”
—Amanda
“I love to read to my kids and do adult size puzzles with them, they love to help me, but it’s great quality time for everyone and no one gets into any fights!!!!”
—Irene
“Talking. I have a 21 year old son and a 13 year old daughter and they both talk to me often, sometimes about things I don’t want to know, but I listen with an open mind.”
—Joseph
“Laughing, dancing, going to the beach, swimming, but mostly LAUGHING!!!!!”
—Natalie
“Arts and crafts.”
—Dana
I grew up on back lots of studios, and just the smell of a soundstage can send me into a nostalgic dream state. When I was really little, my mom had meetings at all the studios for her catering business, and she’d take me along with her everywhere she went. And of course I was glued to her side when she took Meeno to the sets where he was working—I especially remember his time on Voyagers, and his incredibly handsome and sweet costar, Jon-Erik Hexum.
Some of my earliest memories are of tape marks and hot lights, the big blue sky on the Paramount lot, and the massive false front of New York Street on the Universal lot (for the longest time I thought that all buildings had fronts with no backs). I remember the big old cafeterias, the trams going by—all those movie magic moments are ingrained in my DNA.
Hollywood was a game of pretend on a massive, fantastic scale, and I loved make-believe. I knew that the actors on-set were working—but to me it was all play. My childhood was all about seeing the world as a bright place, full of possibility.
My life at home was also full of magical moments. I remember when I was a baby, not even walking yet, and my mother woke up me and my brother in the middle of the night and took us out onto our little deck because it was hailing outside. I remember my dad dancing me to sleep to Leonard Cohen songs. And I remember playing around the pool at my godparents’ house—the amazing smell of wet cement, and all of us kids having the time of our lives with nothing but each other for entertainment. Now, that was magic.
I want my own girls’ childhoods to be just as full of wonder. I’d be happy if they believed in Santa Claus forever. I hope they do. I mean, even I believe in Santa somewhere inside. For Jagger’s last birthday, when the Mickey Mouse character came over, Poet noticed that there was a person inside. I swear I broke out in hives just imagining the floodgates of logic that were about to open up. If she learned that Mickey Mouse didn’t exist, then what about the tooth fairy? And if the tooth fairy isn’t real, then oh my God, what’s next? I had to stop that right away—I think I said something about Mickey Mouse being so popular that he needed a little help.
When I’m playing with my girls, I’m still that little kid who loved magic and make-believe. Of course, it’s hard sometimes to turn off the inner voices. But when I’m playing with them, I try to be in the moment. Sometimes there’s nothing better for shutting off your brain than an eighties dance party. And I think it counts as exercise, too! (I do believe, I do believe.)
We invent lands and imagine them with mountains, rivers, and castles. On Earth Day we planted a strawberry garden and herbs that the girls could cook with. We love turning trash to treasure—we take old shoe boxes and paint them. We cover them with sparkles and glitter. I’ve come to realize that so much of what we can do with our kids doesn’t cost any money. I can totally lose myself in coloring and playing dress-up with my girls.
I’ll never forget the day I picked up Poet from school, and as we were driving home, there was a snowy shower in LA—it was a hailstorm. I suddenly remembered that hailstorm way back when I was a baby. I could still feel the cold pellets of that first hailstorm as they hit my face, and the way the cold felt under my little hands and feet. And here I was, enjoying the magic all over again with my daughter. It all comes full circle.
S.P.S.
Playing make-believe . . .
I love to transform our home into a princess palace, a barbershop, a camping trip, or a dance party. We get totally into it. Sometimes we get decked out as eighties prom queens, and other times we put on the stereo and just dance, dance, dance. It is great to see them being so free and for them to see that I can let go and have fun. Just tonight my girls said, “Mommy, come here.” I walked into the living room and they had turned it into their very own Manhattan apartment. They had taken pillows and put them all around with a stereo and some of their other favorite toys. We listened to music and sang to each other. It was awesome. Sometimes we need to step out of ourselves as adults and remember the children we once were, and it is there where we can find the heart of our inner child. So get that dance party going, dress up in your eighties best, and dance like crazy. The more wacky and outrageous, the more fun you will all have.
A little sentence to finish . . .
When I was a kid, I used to make believe that I . . .
“Was on the TV show Kids Incorporated. My sisters and I used to act out each episode and sing the songs after we watched it.”
—Sheila
“Was Barbie’s manager and send her to autograph signings.”
—Mikala
“Was a detective searching for clues of a suspect in my front and backyard.”
—Collette
“Was Joey Lawrence (Gimme a Break, not Blossom) . . . and I’m a girl. Lol”
—Dana
“Was a Veterinarian and would take care of all my toy animals, as well as my real ones.”
—Nicole A.G.
“Lived in a fort—we actually had a playroom that could easily be transformed, and was often a mass of tented-up blankets that we played in.”
—Cari
37
Growing Pains
Question of the day: What do you consider to be your best parenting moment?
“When I can cater to both girls at the same time and they are both happy and content . . . spread my time evenly at the same time.”
—Amy B.
“My little girl took stickers out of a book at a store and I had to explain to her that it was stealing since the book wasn’t ours. I bought the book but told her she could not have it, she could earn it by doing little ‘chores’ like picking up her dirty clothes. The woman working at the store said I handled it so well, that so many others would have turned the other cheek and left. I wanted my daughter to understan
d and I believe it is something that has stayed with her.”
—Amy L.
“It hasn’t happened often but on really bad days I have my son write the specific date on a piece of paper, wad it up and throw it away. With the explanation that bad days happen, we don’t have to dwell on it and tomorrow will be better. We don’t have to think about it anymore.”
—Sherry
“I honestly hope that I haven’t had my best parenting moment yet, because my little one is still so small. If I had to pick one for now though, it would be when Joseph said to me, ‘You’re a good Mommy, Mommy.’ He is the only critic that I need to worry about.”
—Nicole A.G.
Sometimes we all feel a little lost. We ask ourselves if the path we are heading on is the right one. We question our choices and hope that everything will work out.
I remember when I was about twelve I got in an argument with my mom. I couldn’t tell you now what it was about, but I said that I would go and live with my dad. I packed a little bag and went to my dad’s, which lasted about twenty-four hours before I realized how much I missed home—the home my mom had built for us, the embrace of her warmth and love. Over the past year I felt a shift as a parent. I felt like I was getting deeper and deeper into the depths of parenthood. No one would ever say that being a parent is easy. But doesn’t it seem like it should get a little easier as our kids get older? For me, not so much.
Over the past year, I’ve discovered that I’m going through my own growing pains as a parent. As my kids evolve from babies to toddlers to bigger kids, I have to grow right along with them. They need me more than ever before, and I am seeing in powerful ways how my behavior really affects theirs. I’ve seen how those times when I’m distracted can really result in them acting out. They need us so much, and yet sometimes Mom and Dad just want to curl up and have a few moments to catch their own breath.
Of course, it’s totally healthy and necessary to take breaks, and no one can possibly be a perfect superparent all the time. We do the best that we can, but sometimes it can be hard, and that’s okay.
Watching my kids grow into thoughtful, interesting people has taught me what the heart of parenting really is. It’s much bigger, deeper, and more challenging than changing diapers and showering them with hugs and kisses. As our kids get more complicated, we need to become even more thoughtful as parents, and we have to figure out new ways to communicate with them.
Our kids are these little sponges soaking up their world, and we need to keep helping them understand it—even if we don’t have all the answers. They have all these big emotions and new experiences to navigate—sibling dynamics, school, and first conflicts with friends. It’s not enough to tell an upset child that everything will be okay. They need more than that from us. Just recently, Poet was really upset about some trouble she was having with a friend. It seemed like the end of the world to her. After listening to what was going on, I told her that when I was her age, I’d had conflicts with my friends, too, and that Tori and I used to get in fights all of the time. She looked at me with big, round eyes, and said, “You did?” And then I pointed out to Poet that Tori and I worked through all those conflicts and now we’re still best friends, thirty years later. That made such a huge difference to Poet. Our kids can feel like they are totally alone in the experiences they are having, and it’s so powerful for them to feel your compassion and realize that they’re not the only person in the universe who has ever had whatever problem they’re going through. Like us, as kids peel away the onion, the layers to who they are get deeper and reveal more to us each and every day.
It’s awe-inspiring what a huge impact we have as parents. Our children’s behavior is truly shaped by the experiences, attention, and nurturing that we give them. They grow up so fast, and the events of an afternoon spent reading with them, or running on a beach, or playing ball in the park can have an incredibly lasting effect. What an amazing gift that is to us as parents, and what a huge responsibility to live up to. But I really believe that everything we put into our children feeds their little roots and helps them grow into the big kids, tweens, and young adults that they’ll be before we know it. And then one day we can stand back and see what amazing people we brought into this world.
S.P.S.
When our kids need a little extra . . .
When our kids are upset about something, they don’t always have the words to tell us what’s wrong. Sometimes (often) they let actions speak louder than words . . . meaning, they act out. The girls and I recently made a deal that when they feel like they need some extra attention, rather than act out, all they have to do is come tell me that they need a little one-on-one time. I’ve also learned to be more attentive to the signs they are giving me, because I know that I have just as much to learn from them as they do from me.
A note from the heart . . .
I really believe that it’s the quality of the time that we spend with our kids that makes all the difference in the world. The evolution of these minds is so inspired by how we connect with each other. I speak this from my heart, because this is a journey I am on, just like you, and I am a work in progress—we all are, but I really believe that we must get on the floor and play, dance our hearts out, share, and be present.
38
To All You Dads out There
Question of the day: What do you think is the best part of being a dad?
“I think the best part of being a Dad, especially for stay-at-home mom situations, would have to be that when they come in the door . . . it’s a celebration every time!”
—Nicole A.G.
“As a mom, I think the best part of being a dad is getting all the fun stuff while mom deals with all the icky stuff. Lol. I know, I know, not all dads avoid dirty diapers and booger noses like the plague.”
—Dana
“I’m not a dad, but I know that my dad loved it when we reminded him that he was our protector—bad storms, any kind of calamity, and he was the one we all turned to. He had broad shoulders, and was always making us feel safe and protected.”
—Cari
“While most parents today serve a few jobs to get by and my family is no different there is a great sense of pride and accomplishment to contribute as a provider to my family. The balance between the job and spending quality time with my family is always at odds and when we are in the moment as a family there is no better feeling. It really gives a sense of what matters most.”
—Jason G.
Jason and the girls on the beach in Hawaii
The other day, I was in the grocery store and I saw a dad there with his baby in a carrier, and I thought, Oh my God, how great! What a good dad! I wanted to go up and pat him on the shoulder. Then I stopped myself and I thought, Wait a second. Why would I want to congratulate a dad on taking his kid to the grocery store? Would I ever do that to a mom? Never!
To tell the truth, it didn’t even occur to me to do a special chapter in this book for dads, because I thought of the whole book as being for all parents. I mean, sure, there is some particularly mom-centric stuff in here (see: granny panties and/ or vagina spray), but I really think of all of us parents as being on this journey together. And I have a husband who is totally involved in our kids’ lives, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
So I was really surprised when one day, my totally involved husband said, “You’re doing a chapter for dads, right?” I told him that the whole book was for dads as well as moms. He shook his head. “You gotta do a chapter for dads.” He felt really strongly about it.
And I think I know why. It’s for the same reason that I wanted to congratulate that dad in the grocery store. We moms often say that we want dads to be just as involved as moms, but then sometimes we treat them like they’re—well, less important. Sometimes we even treat them like they don’t know what they’re doing. I’ve heard so many dads complain about being out with their babies and having total strangers (always women) come up to them to give them advice or tell t
hem that they’re doing something wrong. As much unwanted advice as moms can get, dads get way more. And how many times have you heard someone say that a dad was home “babysitting” his kids? Do we ever say that a mom is babysitting her kids? Of course not!
All those things we think and say can send the message that dads aren’t really included in this parenting thing—at least not to the same degree that moms are. We say that we want parenting to be fifty-fifty, but how often do we try to control how our partners do things or hover over them when they’re doing their part? And how often do we even roll our eyes when we think they’re not doing things the right way (meaning: our way)?
I like to think that I’ve never rolled my eyes at Jason (at least not to his face), but I know that I’ve been guilty of grabbing more than my fifty percent share of parenting. Maybe I have a lot going on one day, and he offers to pick up the girls from school. Instead of gratefully accepting his help, I say, “No, no, I’ll do it; I’ve got it covered.” Partly I think it’s because, as moms, we feel guilty if we don’t do everything for our kids, or that maybe we’ll miss something important if we’re not always there.
Happy Chaos Page 18