But of course, that’s not doing us or our kids any favors. Single parenting is incredibly tough, and if we’re lucky enough to have a partner to co-parent with us, why wouldn’t we want to take full advantage? It makes us stronger as a couple when we’re on the same page, and it gives our kids an incredibly important message that men are just as capable of being loving and nurturing as women are. And that’s definitely the kind of world we want for our kids.
S.P.S.
Speak up . . .
From the time our babies are newborns, especially if the mom is breastfeeding and taking a maternity leave, moms can get it in their heads that their kids need them to do everything. Somehow it feels wrong not to take care of every single need that our children have. Soon it becomes second nature, and that pattern just keeps repeating itself even as our babies grow into bigger kids. Dads can get kind of used to it, too. If Mom has always been the one to go to the pediatrician’s appointment, it might not occur to Dad to take time off from work and be the one to go instead of Mom. It’s never too late to break that pattern, though. Sometimes it’s as simple as speaking up. So to all you dads out there, if you want to be more involved, say so. And you moms out there, if you want your partner to be more involved, speak up. You might be surprised how happy your partner is to take on their fair share.
39
Mix Tape
Question of the day: If you were going to make a mix tape of your life, what would your theme songs be?
“Everything . . . life has been one jumbled mess . . . but I wouldn’t trade it for the world!”
—Nicole P.
“ ‘Keep the Car Running’—Arcade Fire . . . ‘Over My Head’—The Fray . . . ‘Divine Romance’—Phil Wickam . . . ‘Angel’—Jimi Hendrix . . . ‘Cry Baby’—Janis Joplin.”
—Collette
“Love Guns N’ Roses, John Williams, Jerry Goldsmith, James Horner and Roxette. I listen to music nearly constantly. I’m thinking I would have a 16 volume CD set!”
—Allen
“ ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’ :) ‘I Hope You Dance,’ and most of all: ‘God Bless the Broken Road.’ ”
—Cari
If I had to come up with the soundtrack for my life, this would be it. Or at least a really good start. I love that the songs I sang in the car when I was eight are the same songs I’m singing with my little girls today. It was so much fun putting this list together, and I didn’t want to stop. You’ll see musicians and whole albums as well because sometimes I couldn’t pick just one song. I could keep going and going, so consider this a partial list that is to be continued.
Putting this list together made me think how great it would be if we all made mix tapes for our kids on a regular basis—little musical autobiographies of ourselves to show them how we traveled the same path that they’re just beginning. So, here’s my mix tape . . . what’s yours?
Here I am listening to music as a little girl. I miss cassette tapes and making mixes on them. Let’s bring it back!
“Don’t Stop Believin’ ” (Journey)
Picture me, ten years old, riding with Tori in the backseat of Rick Schroder’s white Porsche. He was starring in Silver Spoons, and we’d all been at an event at Magic Mountain. My mom said it was okay for him to give us a ride to the restaurant where we were going for dinner. Rick blasted Journey on the stereo and drove as fast as he could, and Tori and I were in heaven. Now whenever this song comes on the radio, my girls say, “It’s Mommy’s song!”
“Here Comes My Girl” (Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers)
Tom Petty always reminds me of the phase in my life when I was running around with Danny O’Connor (House of Pain). We would spend nights cruising around the city while I filmed everything on my video camera. One night in particular I found myself getting a tattoo on Sunset Boulevard while Tom Petty was playing in the background. I felt like I was in a music video.
“Eternal Flame” (The Bangles)
Sigh. This brings back such sweet memories of summer camp in the 1980s, sitting around the bonfire, talking about life and love.
“Cool Rider” (Grease 2 soundtrack)
Best. Song. Ever. I’m pretty convinced of this. Tori and I danced through the aisles to this song when Grease 2 came out, and I’ve sung “Cool Rider” probably every week since. Now my two Grease - obsessed girls do the same thing. There’s nothing like seeing a five-year-old and a two-year-old singing “I want a c-o-o-o-o-l r-i-d-e-r.”
Billie Holiday (just pick a song, I love them all)
When I hear her voice, it reminds me so much of my teenage years. I would listen to her in the rain by myself and really feel my teen-angst blues when I had them.
“Crash into Me” (Dave Matthews Band)
This was our wedding song, and I still love it so much. It is also a classic example of a song with lyrics that seem a lot racier when grandparents are sitting in the room.
“Leaving on a Jet Plane” (John Denver)
We always sang this song at camp, and now I sing it to the girls almost every night. But my most vivid memory of this song is when I was eight and I went to Puerto Rico with my mom, Meeno, and Tori to do a personal appearance. When we arrived, we found out that the organizers had thought that I was a singer as well as an actress. So my brother managed to bang out a few chords on a guitar, while Tori and I sang “Leaving on a Jet Plane” complete with choreography—in front of sixty thousand people. We reassured ourselves that no one we knew would ever see it. Then it was broadcast all over Telemundo. This was my one and only brush with being an actress-singer.
“La Di Da Di” (Slick Rick and Dougie Fresh)
When we did the Andy Williams Christmas Special in Finland in the eighties, Alphonso Ribeiro and Malcolm-Jamal Warner played this song over and over and over again. It’s still completely hilarious to me that my lasting musical memory of a trip with Andy Williams is a hip-hop song.
“Pink Moon” (Nick Drake)
This song reminds me so much of my cross-country trip with my dad, when we listened to it every day. It moves me so much.
“F*** and Run” (Liz Phair)
I picked just one song, but honestly Liz Phair’s Exile in Guyville got me through my teenage years. I think we all have an album like that.
“Mr. Tambourine Man” (Bob Dylan)
This song reminds me so much of my godfather, Joseph. I love and miss him every day.
“Maggie May” (Rod Stewart)
Ever since I was really little, my brother would play this song on his guitar for me when I couldn’t fall asleep. Even when I was a teenager and visiting him at college, he’d pull out his guitar and play it for me. That’s love.
“We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off ” (Jermaine Stewart)
Imagine me and Joey Lawrence dancing to this song at Disneyland, both of us about nine years old. So funny.
“Golden Years” (David Bowie)
I put this song on the video I made for Jason’s and my tenth wedding anniversary, intercut with so many memories from our life together. I could watch it over and over.
“Holiday” (Madonna)
This is one of my favorite Madonna songs. It was one of the first cassette tapes I ever owned, and I wore it out. Now my girls love it, too. What’s not to love?
“The Tide Is High” (Blondie)
When I was eight, I had this very sophisticated friend who looked just like a young Madonna. She introduced me to Blondie’s music, and this song still makes me remember those days when you couldn’t get cooler than Debbie Harry.
“If You Were Here” (Thompson Twins)
Aw, that scene in Sixteen Candles. Oh how it melts my heart even still. Jake leaning in for the kiss over the cake. This has since become a song I love to share with my husband.
“Summer Nights” (Grease soundtrack)
Simply one of my all-time favorite songs to sing with my girls. It always takes me back to my childhood.
Beautiful Girls soundtrack
This remind
s me of my husband, when we fell in love, and every moment in between.
Eek-A-Mouse
This music brings back to me my time living in New York, Justin Pierce, Harold, my amazing friend firefighter Pete—one of the greatest guys I know—and being young and crazy, running around town with skateboarders and artists.
Jeff Buckley
His album Grace really got me through some crazy times. When I finished my documentary about my dad, Sonny Boy, I had the incredible chance to share it with Jeff ’s mother. We sat in her apartment and watched it side by side, and it was a truly moving experience.
Tori Amos
My awesome roommate Matt and I would listen to Little Earthquakes over and over in our one-bedroom apartment in New York City in the 1990s. I loved those days.
Norah Jones
I must have listened to Come Away with Me a thousand times, and every song strikes a chord. I’ll never forget when Jason and I saw her in concert in New York City with Demi and Ashton. Norah and I had a bonding experience backstage.
Jenny Lewis
Jenny was one of my childhood friends. We traveled together and we would sing songs as little kids. She always had an amazing voice. She is now one of the most talented, unbelievable female singers around.
“Tainted Love” (Soft Cell)
This always brings me back to Alfie’s Soda Pop Club, all of the faces, and all of the dancing, laughter, and fun.
Let Love Rule (Lenny Kravitz)
One of the greatest albums ever made. My brother and I have seen Lenny in concert about ten times.
Elliott Smith
His voice is the background music for so much of my adult life. One of the greatest!
Aimee Mann
Her music really reminds me of finishing the documentary about my father. Her music inspired me.
Tracy Chapman (Tracy Chapman)
I was around eleven when this album came out, and I listened to it over and over again. I would write in my journal for hours late at night, reflecting on life, love, and all of the questions you have at that age.
“Sometimes It Snows in April” (Prince)
I’ve listened to this song a thousand times, and I love every lyric. Simply one of the greatest songs ever.
S.P.S.
Now it’s your turn . . .
Write down your favorite songs and take a little time to remember each one. Ah, the nostalgia. Then make that mix for a friend, a spouse, or a partner, and share it with them. Do the same for your kids and tell them stories about why you love each and every song.
40
Press Pause
Question of the day: How do you try to savor the special moments with your kids?
“I’m a picture fiend. I take pictures all the time. I also write . . . I’ve got tons of journals filled with crazy stuff they do. They are my inspiration to write.”
—AnaLiesa
“With teary eyes, lots of pictures, and the knowledge that they are only getting better with age.”
—Allen
“By fully realizing that they grow up way too fast and you’ll miss these moments when they’re gone. Don’t get too busy that you miss the little moments, too. I think of those moments when I am stressed and tired. It helps me to put things in perspective.”
—Jennifer
“I am a sentimental memento crazy person! I take pictures and videos like crazy, I also save special projects my kids do and give to me. I keep a journal by my bed, and every night before I go to sleep, I write a little bit in it about their day and cool things they did or funny stories that happened or accomplishments or new things they learned that day. Helps me to reminisce.”
—Whitney
Not that long ago I brought home a copy of one of my favorite books, Shel Silverstein’s The Giving Tree, for my girls. I couldn’t wait to read it to them, because I loved that book so much when I was a kid. Maybe I’d forgotten how sad it was, or maybe I was reading it through new eyes, but it knocked me out. I cried, and cried, and cried the first time I read it to Poet and Jagger. Then, just at the moment I finished the last page, I had this amazing memory from preschool. I remembered how my teacher told us that there was a secret design hidden inside an apple, and she had us guess what it was. Then she showed us how, if you cut the apple a certain way, you would find a beautiful star inside.
So I wiped my tears, I closed The Giving Tree, and I said, “Hey girls, do you want to see something really exciting?” Then, just as my teacher had done, I had the girls guess what the hidden design inside an apple would be. A heart? No . . . A triangle? No . . . Then finally, I cut the apple that special way, and there was the star inside. It was so beautiful, and their eyes opened up in awe. It was a good mommy moment.
If I’ve learned anything as a mom, it’s that our lives are made up of special moments. And if there is one piece of advice that I’d give any parent, no matter how young or old their children are, it would be to take more pauses and appreciate all those little moments. Each one is such a gift. Because we can’t possibly give one hundred percent all the time—but we can give one hundred percent to a moment. And we can feel really good about that.
In the last year, I’ve been focused on taking more pauses just to savor those little moments—when the girls are dancing with their dad, or we’re all driving in the car singing. Not every hour of our lives together is going to be great, and at the end of any given day I might feel guilty for all the ways I was imperfect. But I also know that if I’ve taken those pauses, then hopefully I’ve also filled my girls with the kind of colorful, rich moments that create lifelong memories.
Just recently I listened to a talk by the dean of a grammar school who also happens to be a philosopher. He said that at his school, they have a “generation day” every year, and each year he notices the same thing—the parents are rushing their kids, moving them on to the next activity. Faster, faster, go, go. All the while the grandparents are telling their grandchildren to slow down and enjoy the moment.
The really amazing thing is that if we could actually hit the pause button once in a while and see the world through our kids’ eyes, we’d find that we have just as much to learn from them as they have to learn from us. As parents we never stop learning—from our own parents, our friends, and yes, our children. I’m still learning patience and how to communicate with my kids, and I’m still making mistakes all the time. It’s not as if just because we’re grown-ups and responsible, now all of a sudden we have all the answers. I know I don’t.
So when I’m confused, unsure, and wondering if I have this parenting thing down at all, I close my eyes and I remember the little girl inside me—the girl who couldn’t stop asking why. Sometimes I raise my hand and ask for advice, and other times I do my own soul searching. On the days that I fall down or have those not-so-perfect parenting moments, I tell myself that it is all going to be okay and I will do better tomorrow. It is in the times when we feel most broken that we can discover how to be better parents, and it is in the pauses and dashes in between when we are able to fill life with all of the delicious discoveries, images, and snapshots that we will carry with us throughout our lifetimes.
S.P.S.
Make a star . . .
Here’s how to cut an apple and find the secret star inside: Take your apple and set it on the table. Instead of cutting it up and down like you would usually do, lay it on its side and cut it though the center. It should be cut into two circles. Now open it, and there it is, that magical little star.
Everything else sometimes has to wait . . .
Just as I was writing the last pages of this book, my girls were running around the house and I went to ask my mom a question. At that moment, I heard a loud crash and ran into the living room to find my two-year-old lying behind the couch with shattered glass all around. I picked her up and blood was running down the back of her neck. My heart was pounding, I was so scared. Poet stood by me as I rushed to call 911. My little baby had a two-and-a-half-inch open g
ash in the back of her head. I called that very same doctor who had taken care of Poet and found myself in the doctor’s office pacing with my child in my arms, a total wreck, just like all of the other mothers in the world who have gone through these moments before me. My deadline would have to wait. Everything would have to wait, because all that mattered was being present for my babies. So again we must remember to take the pauses, because if we don’t do it for ourselves, then someone bigger will do it for us.
Make a moment . . .
Make a list of the special moments that you most treasure from your time as a parent. Use that for your inspiration and revisit it often. Now make a little sign and put it anywhere that you spend time—the mirror, the fridge, the pantry, the car—that says, “Never forget to pause for the moments in between,” and let it remind you even in the midst of chaos (our own happy chaos) to take the time to savor a moment and create a memory that will live on long after our dash.
Happy Chaos Page 19