by Sher Dillard
A virgin? Why hadn’t she told me? I would have taken more care.
I smiled to myself as a sense of happiness washed over me. I had been her first. It made me feel privileged, almost special. As if she had chosen me for this particular honor.
Who was this woman and how had she affected me so much so quickly? It was more than her beauty. Something about the way she looked at me. As if she saw the real me. But it was still more. A confident innocence that spoke to my soul.
Pulling back, she looked up at me and smiled weakly.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure,” I responded, surprised to find that I didn’t mind things getting more personal.
“Why didn’t you sign with the Orioles?”
I laughed. That had not been the question I expected. But really, it was probably the one question that got to the heart of matters.
“Lots of reasons,” I answered. Her eyes continued to probe, demanding more. I sighed heavily. “Really, because I don’t know if I will make a great baseball player. I might make it all the way to the Majors but I’ll never get to the hall of fame.”
She nodded as if she understood.
“A heart surgeon. That’s what I want to be. Those guys are doing something important every day.”
Sadie smiled sweetly and laid back down. It seemed my answer had satisfied her.
“My turn,” I said.
Her body immediately stiffened. She probably thought I was going to ask how someone so beautiful goes this long without losing her virginity. But that was her business. It didn’t really matter.
“What’s your middle name?”
She frowned up at me.
I laughed. “I’m serious.”
The frown deepened then she answered, “Elizabeth.” She glanced at me then buried her head in my shoulder again.
“Sadie Elizabeth Winters,” I said “A beautiful name for a beautiful woman. It suits you.”
She reached over me to pull me into a tight squeeze as her leg draped over mine. I sighed as I took in the specialness of Sadie Elizabeth Winters.
.o0o.
Sadie
Every muscle ached. My insides were tender, but I wouldn’t have changed this night for anything. We had spent the entire night in the bedroom. Making sweet slow love all night long. To hell with Jeanie. If she was stuck taking tickets all night by herself, tough. It was her own fault.
Sighing heavily, my eyes fluttered open to find Jake fast asleep. His mouth partly open. His glorious chest rising with each breath. The man was just too perfect. It was intimidating. What had Jeanie been thinking?
Strong, handsome, intelligent, kind. Everything a girl could ever ask for. And it was over, I realized as my insides twisted up into a knot. The man would return to his life of women, wine, and song. Along with the demands of med-school thrown in. Big man on campus. A hundred women chasing him. His life was mapped out. And nowhere in it was there any room for a sophomore from Nebraska.
It was over, I told myself again. A memory, nothing more. A sweet, hidden memory that no one could ever take from me.
My heart hurt so much. I was never going to have what I wanted most in this life.
A tear threatened to fall, I grit my teeth and started to get out of there. He couldn’t see me like this. He would see it in my eyes. He would know that I was in love with him. The thought of a look of pity from Jake Dawson scared me to my very core. Under no circumstances could I let him see me that way. It would rip my soul into a thousand pieces.
No, I desperately needed him to think it had been nothing special to me. A one night stand. An opportunity to lose a bothersome condition. Nothing more.
Carefully swinging my feet off the bed and onto the floor, I tried to get up without waking him. He grumbled in his sleep and an arm reached out to where I had lain. My insides melted. Even now, the man wanted me. It was enough to make a girl feel as if she had control of the entire world.
No, I reminded myself. Get out while the getting is good. Leave before that awkward morning confrontation I had heard so much about. My insides tumbled at the thought. What would we say to each other? What could we possibly have in common?
What would Jeanie do? I started to ask myself as the thought of leaving him tore at me.
No, get away. Quickly.
Padding across the room, I quickly gathered my clothes. I slipped into the dress without the bustier and then donned the cape. It would have to do.
Snatching my shoes from the floor, I spun, giving the room one last examination before I silently slipped out of Jake Dawson’s life forever.
Once I reached the front porch I pulled my hood up, extremely pleased with myself at my choice of costume. The large cowling would hide my walk of shame.
I swallowed hard and slipped into my shoes. The morning sun was just peeking through the bare tree branches. A cold nip in the air reminded me that winter was coming. It also reminded me how nice and warm and safe and secure it had felt in Jake’s arms.
Every part of me wanted to return to his embrace. To curl up next to him and never leave.
No. I admonished myself as I started for the Sorority house. Every step took me farther away from him. Every step took me back to my old life.
But things were different I realized. More than the physical changes. My virginity was gone, never to return, and in reality, I didn’t feel bad or regretful. How could I? It had been Jake Dawson.
That thought reminded me of what I was walking away from. I knew that deep in my heart every man I knew from this point forward would be compared to Jake Dawson. I also knew that most of them would come up short.
A weird sadness combined with happiness settled over me. I loved what had happened. It had been special. Memorable. But it was gone. Like a perfect last bite of dessert. You loved it but wished there was more.
A sluggish emptiness began to fill me as I realized just how much I had left behind. Was he awake yet? Had he only pretended to sleep hoping I would leave, and he could avoid the whole next morning thing?
Or was he still sleeping? Should I have woken him? Maybe he had a class. What if he was late?
I came to a screeching halt and turned to go back. No, Sadie. I told myself as I forced myself around and back towards home. He’s a big boy. Besides, he would discover the truth about how I felt. It had to be written all over my face.
When I got to my room, I slowly opened the door, determined not to wake Jeanie. She would demand a detailed explanation of every detail. And in all honesty, I didn’t want to share. It was too personal. To much my own thing.
“Where have you been?” Jeanie demanded before I could even get the door closed. She switched on her lamp as she sat up in bed and shot me a hard stare. My heart fell. So much for a surreptitious entry.
“Where do you think?” I said as I slipped out of my cape and hung it over the back of a chair. A bath. All I wanted was to sink into a hot bath and recall everything, point for point.
“How should I know,” she said with a huff. “You disappeared. I couldn’t even go looking for you. I was tied to that front door all night.”
I shrugged as I removed my shoes.
“Seriously. Where did you go?”
“With Jake Dawson just like you set up,” I said as I tossed my panties into the laundry hamper just like I’d seen her do a dozen times. A small sense of pride washed through me.
Her eyes grew very big as she slowly shook her head. My stomach quivered. No, this was impossible. My insides suddenly tightened up as a sick feeling began to build inside of me.
“No,” she said, “I asked Kyle. I never said anything about it to Jake Dawson.”
It was official. My world was now over. I would have to transfer to a different university just to continue to live.
“What do you mean?” I asked, desperately hoping I had misunderstood. “I saw you guys talking. He looked at me when you told him about me.”
She smiled widely. “I never told him. I swea
r.”
“Oh, no,” I said as I flopped onto the side of my bed and buried my face in my hands.
Jeanie laughed. “I take it from the wadded up panties that you are no longer a virgin. And with Jake Dawson of all people.”
“No! this wasn’t the way it was supposed to go.”
Jeanine laughed again. “So, was it good?”
I dropped my hands and gave her my best-disgusted look. She only smiled and raised an eyebrow in question. There was no putting her off.
“You know it was,” I said as my cheeks grew extremely warm with a blush that was probably traveling over my entire body.
She laughed and shook her head. “Poor Kyle, I had him all set up but then we couldn’t find you. I’ll have to make it up to him somehow.”
“Jeanie,” I whined. “How did this happen. Oh, this is the worst.”
“Why?” she asked with a frown. “You lost your virginity which was the whole point remember. And to Jake Dawson, so that made it even more special. What is the big deal?
I had to fight to catch my breath. “I thought …” Oh, how had this happened? How could I be so stupid? “I thought he knew. I thought he understood.”
“So? You got what you wanted. All on your own. I didn’t pick him. But that’s okay. You’re paid in full.”
“Jeanie,” I said, exasperated. “You don’t get it. I basically kidnapped him. He’s going to think I’m someone I’m not.”
“Hey,” Jeanie said, obviously offended. “Speaking for … willing women everywhere… Just because you slept with a guy doesn’t mean you should be issued with a scarlet letter. Besides, you were a virgin. Believe me, he knows you’re not the kind to sleep around.”
My stomach turned over. “This is different. You weren’t there. I ravaged him. I mean all night long. I was insatiable. I just assumed he was doing me a favor. You don’t understand.”
Jeanie laughed. “I bet he didn’t mind.”
“No, but it wasn’t me. Not the real me. It was as if I was someone else. Or worse. Just like every other girl throwing herself at the famous Jake Dawson.”
Jeanine continued to chuckle. “I wouldn’t worry about it. Don’t forget. Those other girls weren’t virgins. Believe me, that makes you unique.”
My insides slid into a puddle of pure anguish. If it had been anyone else, I wouldn’t have cared so much. But this was Jake Dawson. What he thought about me was of the most importance. And now. I’d never be able to talk to him again. I wouldn’t be able to look him in the eyes. Not after the way I had acted.
“I will have to leave school,” I said without the slightest bit of hyperbole.
Jeanie just shook her head and lay back down. “It will look better in the morning.”
No, it wouldn’t. For one simple reason, I realized. Deep in the bottom of my heart, I had hoped that Jake might find me different. Might find something worth knowing. But that would never happen now.
Now, I was just the girl who pulled him in off the street and had my way with him. Now I was just another on a long list.
My world was over.
Chapter Five
Jake
I’ve got to admit I was a little pissed off to find the bed next to me empty. The faint sweet scent of her lavender perfume still hung in the air. I closed my eyes and remembered our night together.
The way her body responded to my caress. That beautiful pink blush that covered her body when she came. The way her eyes lit up when she thought I said something funny. How she could be both coy and aggressive at the same time. The woman was a contradiction wrapped in a mystery.
Where had this woman been all my life?
Grumbling to myself I got out of bed. I had an anatomy lab first thing that morning. Why had she left without saying goodbye? Was I nothing more than a means to an end? Was that it? A sex object to be used and tossed aside?
I’ve got to admit that I wasn’t happy about it. A fact I was going to change as soon as possible.
It took me most of the day to find Kyle. He was buried in the back of the campus coffee shop.
“Where have you been?” I barked before I could stop myself.
He looked up from his textbook as if I’d grown a second head. “Sorry, I didn’t know I was at your beck and call.”
I shook my head as I slipped into the chair across from him. He was right. I was acting like a raw freshman after a girl smiled at him.
“Sadie Elizabeth Winters.”
Kyle frowned at me, obviously wanting more.
“Who is she. Where is she?” I asked as I forced my voice to sound half-way calm.
Again, he frowned and slowly shook his head. “The redhead, from last night at the haunted house? The virgin.”
“What?” I demanded. “How did you know?”
“Jeanie told me. Said she was looking to set up her friend with someone willing to … end her situation. Although, now it seems you’ve already taken care of it.”
My stomach fell. Had that been it? Just a one-time thing. The girl didn’t want to be a virgin anymore and I was the lucky bastard to help out. Was I nothing more than the first opportunity? The thought made my insides turn over. No, it had to mean more than that. At least it had for me.
“Yes, that’s the one,” I told him as I tried to force my racing heart to slow down.
He shrugged his shoulders. “I gave you everything I had yesterday.”
I stopped myself from snapping at him and took a deep breath. “I know. I need you to find out. No way am I going to talk to her at her Sorority house. We wouldn’t get any privacy.”
His eyes grew larger for a second. “You didn’t get her number?”
“No, she left this morning before I could ask.”
He grinned. “So, let me see if I have this correct. A beautiful woman rocks your world. Then the next morning, she leaves. No questions asked. No demands made. And you find this a problem why?”
I sighed heavily. How could I explain it? Kyle would never understand. Hell, I didn’t understand. I just needed to find her. I needed to know that she was alright. That I hadn’t done something to make her upset.
I just needed to talk to her again.
Kyle continued to stare at me, waiting for an explanation.
“Just get me what I need,” I said with a heavy sigh.
He continued to study me for a minute then nodded. “You know, you could probably get it from the registrar. I know for a fact that the lady in the office has a thing for hot baseball studs. She’d give you her first born if you asked nicely.”
“Just do it, Okay?”
He studied me for a moment then nodded. “Sure, I’ll have something for you tomorrow. You could always ask Jeanie. She’d have the information.”
“No, I don’t want Jeanie involved in this.”
He smiled. “Okay, I get it. Sure, tomorrow.”
I sighed, knowing that I was on a path to finding her again made it easier to breathe.
Kyle tipped his head and looked at me strangely. “This is different. She got to you.”
My guts tightened up. No way was I telling Kyle anything. The man lived to talk crap in the locker room.
He saw it in my eyes though. He laughed and sat back. “Well, well, the great Jake Dawson is human after all. So how does it feel being the one left behind? You do realize two dozen girls will relish in your agony.”
I ignored him. No way was I going there. Sure, I’d been known to play fast and loose. But they always knew beforehand. And I never snuck out the next morning. Not without saying goodbye.
“Just get me the information. I’ll meet you here. In fact, I’ll buy you a coffee.”
He smiled, “You must have it pretty bad if you’re willing to spring for an entire coffee.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I said before I got up and left. Tomorrow, I could start trying to find her tomorrow.
.o0o.
I swear she was avoiding me. For two days I tried tracking her down. Once, I saw h
er auburn hair and those perfect hips of hers draped in a plaid skirt. I knew it was her, but before I could catch up to her she disappeared into the library and was lost.
Kyle had given me her schedule and even her phone number somehow. But no, I needed to talk to her in person. In private. I needed to know if she had felt any of the things I felt or was I just an idiot. Had I gone insane? For the first time, I understood the term ‘Lovesick.’
The next day, using Kyle’s information, I placed myself outside her English Lit class. No way could she avoid me. I leaned up against the wall directly across from the door. Arms folded, waiting. As soon as it opened I started scanning the crowd.
There, in the far back. Our eyes met, and I knew she saw me. That spark of energy between us hung in the air. But then, without any acknowledgment, she turned and walked back into the class.
Okay, I thought. Maybe she forgot something. I waited. As the seconds drew out I started making excuses. Maybe she needed to talk with the professor.
Still, I waited, all the while my anger grew. I just wanted to talk.
At last, I couldn’t wait any longer. I opened the glass door and stepped into an empty room.
She’d gone out another way.
My heart fell. I was becoming a stalker I realized. I’d probably scared her off. What should I expect?
Sighing, I turned to leave, my mind reeling from the rejection. I had been but a means to an end. And I would just have to accept it.
Gritting my teeth, I made my way to class, but each step felt as if I was walking away from something important.
All I wanted was to talk to her for a moment. That would tell me what I needed to know. If she didn’t want anything to do with me. Then fine. There were more than a few girls in the area who thought otherwise.
But, obviously, she didn’t want to talk to me. Obviously, I was to be forgotten and tossed aside. I almost laughed at myself. Boy, I sounded pathetic.
“Get over yourself, Jake,” I mumbled to myself. The girl doesn’t want anything to do with you. Tough. That’s life.