A Is for Abstinence

by Kelly Oram

  Everyone had a good laugh at my expense. I tried to be a good sport about it, but I wasn’t very happy. Now Cara had me thinking about Adrianna, and that was never a good thing. I could see all the reasons she wasn’t right for me now, but the one thing I’d always loved the most about her was how much my music meant to her. She’d been my biggest supporter for years. She was always by my side—loving me, encouraging me, and appreciating what I did.

  Val was different. She wasn’t even a fan. From the first time I’d met her, she’d never been impressed with my job. In fact, Cara told me on many occasions not to take it personally because Val simply didn’t care much about music in general. If it was on, she’d listen, bounce her head along to a catchy beat or hum with the songs she knew, but she didn’t connect with it the way Cara, Shane, and I did.

  I knew Val respected my job and what I’d accomplished. She was happy for me and glad that I loved it. She understood how much it meant to me, but she didn’t really care about it personally. I knew that about her, and I’d accepted it, but it still depressed me. I wished there were a way I could make her love it, too.

  I’d hoped my new song would do that for her—give her a real connection to music. She said she’d loved it, and she’d agreed to date me, so maybe it had helped a little, but she’d clearly hated the video shoot today.

  I was shaken from my thoughts when our food arrived—a welcomed distraction. I dug right in, and after my first bite Val laughed softly next to me. The quiet sound lifted my spirits a little. She hadn’t laughed much today. Something was bothering her.

  “What’s so amusing?” I whispered.

  Her eyes sparkled as she smirked up at me. “Your sweet tooth,” she said, swiping some of the whipped cream on top of my French toast.

  My mouth went dry when she sucked the cream off her finger. She was teasing me, but not in the way she meant to. She was clueless about the effect she had on me. I decided her naïvety was dangerous for us both and needed to be expunged.

  “You never steal a man’s whipped cream, Val.” I gave her a warning look that she promptly laughed at. “Do it again,” I challenged. “See what happens.”

  She considered my threat and reached for my plate. I snatched her hand away and smeared whipped cream across her mouth. Before she could wipe it off, I leaned forward and kissed her, gently sucking the sugary cream from her lips.

  The move shocked her. Clearly she’d never played with her food before. She was so surprised she’d probably never even realized it could be done. And that it could be sexy.

  This was definitely sexy—so incredibly sexy that I couldn’t control myself. Her startled gasp lit me on fire. I took advantage of her open mouth and deepened the kiss.

  She pushed me back and shook her head, her cheeks flushed. “Can you please not do that in public?” she whispered.

  I pulled her closer and nearly growled my reply. “Fine. Then let’s go someplace not public.” I needed her. I needed her right then. As much of her as she’d let me have.

  She surprised me with a severe glare, but she quickly checked her anger as if she hadn’t meant to let her emotions slip. Her face smoothed out into an unreadable expression and she didn’t explain when I questioned her.

  “No mauling me in public,” she warned with a laugh I was fairly sure was fake.

  Robin snorted a laugh. “Yes, definitely no more of that. You’re nauseating, Kyle, and if I lose my appetite you’ll be in big trouble.”

  No doubt that would have been a very bad thing, but there was no danger of her failing to eat. She saw the smirk on my face and rolled her eyes.

  “Fine. What were we talking about before I so rudely attempted to get some hot, sweet lovin’ from my wickedly irresistible girlfriend?”

  Val rolled her eyes, not amused, but at least the rest of the group laughed and the last of the awkwardness disappeared.

  “We were discussing Val’s need for a summer project,” Cara said.

  Alan hadn’t said much so far tonight, but he cleared his throat and spoke up. “You should come work with Robin at the foundation. They’ve been a little swamped since Christina took that job out East.”

  Robin loved that idea. “Yeah, you totally should! You could help me get so much done before this little nightmare arrives. We’re going to have to get a temp while I’m on maternity leave.” She shuddered at the thought.

  Val sighed and sat back, not touching her plate of food. She was still upset about something and trying to hide it. Was it because I kissed her? I didn’t think so, but I couldn’t figure out what else it could have been.

  “I’m sure I can do that sometimes,” she said, answering Robin’s question. “It’s just such a drive from Huntington to come up every day.”

  “Like I said, my door’s always open.”

  My joke did nothing to cheer her mood. If anything, it made things worse. “We’ve talked about that and it’s not happening,” she said, exasperated. “Besides, Malibu is just as far from Pasadena as Huntington Beach.”

  While we were busy frowning at one another, Shane threw his arm over Cara and said, “Pasadena to Laurel Canyon isn’t a bad drive. We’ve got a spare room or two if you want to stay with us.”

  Cara’s eyes went wide and she squeaked. “Really? You wouldn’t mind?”

  Shane shrugged. “Why not?”

  I had to give the man props. He wouldn’t admit it, but he was trying to help repair Cara and Val’s relationship. I wanted that too, so I nudged Val and said, “That’s a great idea.”

  “V, you have to!” Cara squealed.

  I smiled at the nickname. Cara was the only person who ever called Val “V” and I hadn’t heard her do it since they were reunited. Val liked hearing it too and finally smiled the tiniest smile. “All right. I suppose it would be nice to spend some more time together.”

  “The best.”

  “Oh!” Robin shouted suddenly. “I’ve got it! You can start that L.A. office for F is For Families you’ve been talking about for months.”

  Val perked up at the suggestion and immediately fell into serious thought. The wheels in her head were spinning. I knew the look on her face—determination and excitement. I was the master of that look. She’d just found her project.

  “Could you get one up and running in two months before school starts?” Robin asked.

  “Not easily,” Val admitted. “But if I could get the permits and the grants pushed through somehow, I could set it up enough that Jacinta could come down and take over when school starts. She wants to be back in Southern California anyway.”

  I was glad Val’s mood seemed to be improving, but didn’t like the sound of that. “I don’t know about this, Val. It doesn’t sound like a project; it sounds more like an all-encompassing, time-consuming, life-sucking, girlfriend-stealing nightmare.”

  Val finally gave me a smile—albeit, a small one—and patted my hand. “I won’t forget to make time for you, but Robin’s right. I’ve wanted to do this for months and it’s the perfect opportunity. I can’t pass it up.”

  “But what about your vacation? What about taking a break before school?”

  “Kyle, before you showed up, I hadn’t been on a date in longer than I care to admit. This will still feel like a vacation. I promise.”

  “But—”

  “Kyle, stop being so needy,” Cara interjected.

  I frowned across the table at her. “I’m not needy.”

  She actually laughed at me. Even Shane laughed, the traitorous bastard.

  “You’re the neediest person I know,” Cara said, flashing me a sympathetic smile. “But don’t worry—we love you anyway. It’s not your fault you’re a spoiled rotten celebrity who gets everything he wants whenever he wants it so much that he can’t live without having his heart’s every desire at all times.”

  My jaw dropped open. “I am not a diva!”

  “No,” Cara said. “Just needy, with a tendency to pout when you don’t get your way.”


  I frowned at Val, and she patted my hand sympathetically. “I’m not needy,” I insisted, and everyone laughed again.

  “Hey,” Shane said, smirking in my direction. “You know the difference between a lead singer and God?”

  I rolled my eyes. I’d heard this one a million times, but everyone else waited for the punch line.

  “God knows he’s not a lead singer.”

  I flipped my best friend off as I waited out the laughter. And believe me, there was a lot of it. Jerks.

  Val had perked up a little through the rest of dinner, and she’d loved the mock-ups of the Celebrity Gossip article, but I knew something was still bothering her. Actually, I think it was obvious to everyone because they cleared out suspiciously fast, leaving the two of us standing in front of the restaurant.

  “Alone at last,” I teased, hoping to keep the mood light. “What would you like to do now? Want to go back to my place? You haven’t seen it yet.”

  Val’s face paled at the suggestion. “Actually, I think I’m just going to go home, if that’s all right. I’ve got a headache.”

  I’d seen her reach up to rub her head several times tonight, but it was still an excuse to bail and we both knew it.

  “Val, what’s the matter?”

  I tried to pull her into my arms and she immediately stepped away. “I just don’t feel like going out tonight. I’m going to go home. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  There was a moment after Val walked away from me where I simply stood there staring after her retreating figure in shock. She’d just reached her car when I snapped out of it and caught up to her.

  “Val.”

  “Not right now, Kyle,” she said in a tired voice, pulling her keys from her purse.

  I took her hand before she could open the car door and forced her to look at me. There were no tears in her eyes, but she was definitely struggling to keep them back. My throat was tight, knowing that I’d somehow upset her so badly, and at the same time, I was completely frustrated with her. “I don’t speak ‘girl.’ You have to tell me why you’re so upset with me if you want me to fix it.”

  Confessing that I had no clue why she was angry seemed to make the problem worse. She shut her eyes against her tears, but one escaped and rolled down her cheek. I pulled her into my arms, but she quickly pushed me away. “Please don’t,” she said. “I don’t want you touching me right now.”

  I stepped back, my eyes snapping wide and my arms dropping to my sides as if they weighed several tons each. She may as well have said she hated me and never wanted to see me again. I repulsed her. I saw it written in her eyes in the few fleeting glances she bothered to give me.

  For a moment, I said nothing. Didn’t move. I couldn’t make sense of the emotions in me. Then, my injured pride forced me to walk away. I heard her call my name but I ignored it. What was I supposed to say to her? I hadn’t been more shocked since Adrianna asked me to sing “Cryin’ Shame” on my birthday.

  How could I always be so caught off guard by the women I cared about? I’d seduced a hundred women. I’d always prided myself on understanding what they wanted and how to give it to them. What a joke.

  There were a couple of wooden benches perched on either side of the main door to the restaurant that served as a waiting area on crowded evenings. It was still early enough that they were both empty. I headed for the nearest one and threw myself down onto it. I folded my arms tightly across my chest and stared at my feet. I was sulking. I knew it. But how the hell was I supposed to feel after that kind of rejection?

  Cara and Shane had been together for five years and made it look effortless. Then there was Robin inside, about to pop out her second child and bickering with her husband over a piece of pie because he cared about her enough that he wanted to make sure she and their baby stayed healthy. Two completely different relationships, yet both couples were light-years beyond me. I felt like a total jackass, incapable of having a relationship deeper than a night of body shots and crazy sex.

  A pair of close-toed, black high heels stepped into my view.

  “Kyle, I’m sorry. I’m trying to deal with this as best I can, but it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be.”

  I didn’t want to look up at her, but I couldn’t help searching her face for clues. I knew I was glaring at her, but I was powerless to stop myself. I was angry. Hurt. Confused.

  “Deal with what?” I snapped. “All I did was kiss you tonight, and ever since then you’ve recoiled every time I touch you. I’ve agreed not to have sex, but I can’t help the way you make me feel. I can’t just shut myself off. Believe me, if I could have, I would have already done it. Is it really so terrible that I want you?”

  A flash of intuition sparked in Val’s eyes. I envied her whatever it was she thought she’d figured out. I’d have killed for even a hint of understanding.

  Her expression softened and she sat down next to me on the bench. I made no move to get closer. She laid her hand on my leg and I gritted my teeth. It was okay for her to touch me, just not the other way around?

  “How am I supposed to feel,” she asked, “knowing that you can’t keep your hands off me because you’re all turned on from having spent the day making out with another woman?”

  I sighed as the picture finally became clear. “You’re upset about the shoot today?”

  I should have known. I was an idiot for not getting it right away, but at least the anger and the hurt were gone now. She wasn’t rejecting me, she was feeling rejected.

  I finally reached for her hand. Relieved that she let me take it, I laced our fingers together and let our hands rest on my leg. “It was just a job, Val. It didn’t mean anything—to me or Cara.”

  “I know,” she said quickly. “I told myself the same thing all afternoon. I’m trying not to be jealous, but you liked it, Kyle. You enjoyed kissing her. Didn’t you?”

  I could have lied to her—she was staring at me with big, vulnerable eyes begging me to deny it—but I’ve never been big on lying. Telling someone what they wanted to hear only hurt them in the long run. That’s why I’d always been straight with the women I’d dated in the past—even if it painted me as the world’s biggest jerk. They all knew I was only looking for a night of fun and that we’d never get past that. It gave them the chance to opt out if they couldn’t handle it. It saved them heartache.

  It was the same with Val. I could tell her what I thought would make her feel better, but, eventually, when I couldn’t end up being the perfect guy I led her to believe I was, she’d get hurt much worse. Better to be honest and let her opt out now if she couldn’t accept it.

  “What do you want me to say?” I asked, hoping my gentle voice would soften the harshness of my words. “Of course I liked it. She’s a beautiful woman and kissing her is very pleasant. Liking it is basic human nature. I can’t help that. But I wasn’t there mentally, Val. All day long, you were the only thought in my head.”

  She turned her head away from me but didn’t pull her hand out of mine. I gave it a squeeze. “I’m sorry if that’s not good enough, but I can’t apologize for my job. I don’t even want to. I’m proud of what I do, and I’m proud of how that video is going to turn out.”

  Val slowly turned her face back to mine. “I know,” she whispered. “And I’m proud of you too, Kyle. I know how much your career means to you. I know how much you love it, and I know there are certain aspects of it that are always going to bother me. Logically, I get it. It still hurt watching you do things with my ex-best friend that I’m not even sure I’d be comfortable doing with you myself. You got further with Cara today in front of a room full of people and cameras than I’ve ever been with anyone.”

  I was stunned. I’d never thought of it that way. I met her eyes, and the control on her emotions broke. “She’s so beautiful,” she said. “They all are. You’ve been with so many of them and I—” Her voice broke and tears sprang into her eyes. “I know what I am, okay? I know I don’t measure up, and I know I can’t g
ive you everything you want.”

  I was so shocked I actually gasped. “Val…” My voice trailed off when I couldn’t think of anything to say. How could she think that? How could she possibly be so insecure?

  “Watching you today, I just felt like such a silly, naïve, little girl. I couldn’t stop thinking about all the women you’ve been with. So many that being half-dressed in bed kissing your best friend’s wife in front of your girlfriend meant absolutely nothing to you. It was so not a big deal that you didn’t even consider the possibility I might be upset. It was just normal for you. I can’t even fathom how prude I must seem to you and your friends.”

  I sat there shaking my head. I kept moving my mouth, though nothing would come out of it.

  She wouldn’t look at me now. She’d pulled her hand out of mine and shifted on the bench so that she was slightly turned away from me, as if she felt completely ashamed.

  This intense wave of passion washed over me. My need to make her understand how much she meant to me was so strong it pushed against me, making my body tremble as it fought to escape.

  “Val, no.” I grabbed her legs, turning her body my direction again, and took her face in my hands. “Cara may have been the actress in the video today, but that song is about you. The lyrics—the feelings I expressed in them—they’re real, and they’re all for you. I wrote the song for you. I’m abstaining for you.”

  I placed a soft kiss to her lips, and she closed her eyes as another tear escaped down her cheek. “I can’t do anything about my past,” I said softly. “I’ve done a lot of things with a lot of different women, but I’ve never waited for any of them.”

  I stopped talking and waited until she opened her eyes. When those soft-brown beauties found mine, I smiled and said, “Do you understand? You are the only one. This is a first for me, so we’re both rookies right now. This is something I’m doing for you, and only you. There’s no other woman on the planet I’d even consider making this sacrifice this for. I’m doing the abstinence thing because it’s the only gift I can give you that will make you understand you mean more to me than any other woman I’ve ever been with.”