Riversong

by Hardwick, Tess

  Annie went behind the bar and put her arms around Lee. “You're free.” Lee slumped into her, fatigue and relief washing over her in equal measure. Annie helped her to one of the tables and had her sit, smoothing her hair. “It's okay now. Ellen, she's really pale.” She pulled a chair next to Lee. “Put your feet up here.”

  Ellen pointed her gun at Zac. “You want him over at the table now?”

  Tommy walked to the table. “Go get Mike and then wait for us in the back, in case we need you.”

  The others left as Tommy pulled Zac off the barstool and over to the table. Lee wanted to tell Zac that everything was going to be fine, that he just needed to get himself cleaned up and then he could go to the beach. She might say, you don't need a million dollars, you could live there anyway, start to make a life for yourself slowly, get a job and an apartment. She wanted to tell him that her mother's life could have been different if she'd faced her pain instead of trying to kill it with vodka. She wanted to tell him that rehabilitation would help him, and that he could rest there and heal from the years of drowning all that rage and sorrow with booze, drugs and women. But Zac wouldn't meet her eyes, kept his gaze on his hands, slumped forward, so she stayed silent too.

  She peeked at Tommy across the table. He looked tired, deep circles under his brown eyes. She put her hand on his arm and he looked at her. She mouthed the words, “thank-you” and he nodded but then looked towards the door. Her heart filled with remorse and she wondered if she could win him back after all she'd put him through. After a moment, Mike came in from the back and joined them at the table.

  Mike nodded at Zac. “Son.” Zac didn't respond, except for a twitch and shift in his left leg.

  Tommy leaned back in his chair and crossed his legs. “We've got video of you dealing drugs in the parking lot, copies of your client book and pictures of the sacks of money. More than enough evidence to get you thrown in jail for a long time.” Lee went to the bar and pulled the copies she made months before of the contents of his Fairy Book, photos of the money and fake tapes, and placed them on the table in front of Zac and sat again.

  Zac looked at them, sullen for a moment and then his face turned purple like it did the day Lee confronted him, all those months before. His body shook and his eyes darted back and forth. “What do you want?”

  Mike pulled his chair closer to the table and looked as if he might reach for Zac's hand but instead crossed his arms across his chest. “We don't want you to go to jail. We think you need some time to dry out and there's a place down in California that will take you. It's a full 90-day drug and alcohol treatment program. Get you cleaned up and help you deal with stuff. They even have the family participate. I talked to your mom and she's willing to come out for it. And me, too, of course.”

  Zac looked up then, his eyes wide and his voice haggard and dry. “You talked to Mom about this?”

  “Yes, and she was concerned about you. Wanted to help,” said Mike.

  “I'm sure. ‘Cause she's been so involved the last twenty years. You can't make me go to rehab. I just drink a little too much. I'm not like those people.”

  Mike glanced at Lee, looking uncomfortable. She caught Tommy's eye and motioned towards the kitchen. He nodded and they headed for the back. As the doors closed she heard Mike say, “Rehab or jail. Your choice.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  The rest were huddled around the chef's island in the kitchen. They all looked up when Lee and Tommy came through the door. “Are they still out there?" said Annie.

  “We wanted to give them some privacy,” said Lee. She plopped into the chair by the walk-in freezer just as she felt a little pop and then a gush of fluid between her legs. And then there was a pool of water underneath her chair. She stared at it for a moment, unable to make out what happened and then it occurred to her. “I think my water just broke.”

  The women circled and Annie took control. “Tommy, get your truck and pull around front. Ellen, call the doctor and have her meet us at the clinic.”

  Lee shook her head, dazed. “But the baby's not due for three more weeks.”

  Annie gripped Lee's hand. “Don't worry, after what we just pulled off, having a baby's going to be a piece of cake.”

  Tommy, his face wan, appeared at her side and guided her towards the door. A pain like severe cramps started in her groin and she felt her belly tighten. She gasped and leaned against him until it passed. She grabbed his arm and whispered. “Please stay with me.”

  “I will.”

  The doctor, hair disheveled, was between Lee's legs. “Just one more push and we've got a baby.”

  Lee flopped back onto the hospital bed, looking first at Tommy and then Ellen. She'd pushed for two hours and she was beyond fatigue, almost delirious. “I can't do it. I'm too tired.”

  Tommy's voice was in her ear. “Just one more push and you get to see the baby.”

  She looked in his eyes and anchored to that pool of brown. “It hurts.”

  He wiped the sweat from her face with a soft cloth. “You're tough, you can do this.”

  The doctor's voice sounded far away. “Alright, it's time, just one more push, Lee. Tommy, get behind her on the bed and prop her up.”

  She leaned into Tommy's torso and tried to breathe through the burning pain and the intense pressure of the baby's head pushing through the small opening of her body. She concentrated on Tommy's voice in her ear, took a deep breath and pushed with her remaining strength. There was burning pain like she might rip in half and then she knew the baby's head was out. Then there was a gush of fluid and the sensation of the rest of the baby slipping into the world. Then crying that sounded like the exaggerated mew of a frightened kitten. The doctor held it in the air and Lee saw flailing limbs and a slightly bloody head thrown back. “It's a girl and she's got red hair”, said the doctor. A nurse wiped the baby with a cloth and placed the naked bundle in Lee's arms. The baby's stunned eyes, only minutes ago in the protected warmth of a womb, locked to her mother's face. Lee scanned her features, for clues about who she was, who she looked like, if Dan were etched anywhere. But she was so small that Lee couldn't see anything recognizable.

  The nurse said, “Hold her close to your skin. That way she knows you're her mommy.” Lee did as instructed, holding the baby to her chest and kissing her damp forehead. She held one of the petite wrinkled hands in her own, gazing at the miniature fingernails and then back to the round newborn eyes, which hadn't moved from Lee's face. Lee shushed the baby, her baby, rocking her and kissing the top of her head. “Don't cry now, we're all so happy to see you.”

  Lee looked up at Tommy. His eyes brimmed with tears and he murmured something in Spanish as he touched the top of the baby's head. Ellen, on the other side of the bed, sniffed and patted Lee's shoulder, “You did good girl, really good.”

  The nurse took the baby from her and put her on a scale that looked like a bigger version of the one Billy used at the restaurant. “6 pounds, 9 ounces. Now all she needs is a name.”

  It was morning when she awakened to the antiseptic smell of the clinic's recovery room. She lay back onto the pillows, wincing from the pain in her groin. Tommy was asleep on the cushioned bench next to her bed. Ellen rocked and cooed to the baby, who was wrapped in a pink blanket and cap. Lee watched them for a moment, swallowing the lump in her throat. Ellen looked up and came to the side of Lee's bed. “How're you feeling?”

  “A little sore, but better.”

  “You ready to feed her?”

  “You think she's hungry again?”

  “She's rooting around for something over here and I had to tell her that ship's long since sailed.” Smiling, Ellen placed the warm bundle in her arms. Lee stroked the small features before opening her hospital gown, guiding the mouth that looked like a rose petal onto her breast. The baby clamped on and sucked, her cheeks moving in nature's patterned rhythm of suck, suck, breath. Ellen clucked and patted Lee's shoulder. “I knew you'd be a natural. Your father was giant, almost te
n pounds. Did I ever tell you that? He had a cone head the whole first month, but this one's so petite her head just came out perfectly round. To me she looks just like your Grandmother Rose.”

  “I didn't think you'd be the gushing type.”

  “Well, shoot, she's perfect.”

  “Ellen, I'm terrified I'm going to screw this up. You've got to help me.”

  “This mean you're staying?”

  She reached for Ellen's knobby hand. “I can't leave your pies.”

  Ellen's eyes misted and she pulled the baby's cap further down her petite forehead. “We've got a lot of pies to make up for.”

  “Ellen, I've been thinking about something. I want to call Dan's parents and tell them about the baby.”

  Ellen nodded, pursing her lips. “I think that's the right thing to do.”

  “She's going to want to know them. And it might give them a little peace.”

  “Having lost my own son, I can tell you that it will. You want your phone?”

  She looked at Tommy's sleeping form and shook her head, no. She'd call them later, after some things were settled.

  Tommy stirred and sat up with a start. “Was I asleep?” His eyes darted from the baby to Lee. “You alright?”

  “Just tired.”

  He jumped from the bench and hovered next to the women. “Is the baby alright? I heard the doc say babies that are born a few weeks early sometimes get jaundice and have to sleep under special lights. Did they check for that yet? What about you? Are you still in pain?” He looked at Ellen. “Has the doc checked on Lee? Should I go get her? Maybe we should give her one of those pain pills the nurses left. Where's the ice pack?”

  Ellen laughed. “Relax, Papa Bear, they're both fit as fiddles.” She motioned to Lee to give her the baby. “It's been thirty-five years since I held a new life and I'm going to get my fill. I'll take her for a little walk around the clinic. Show her off to the nurses.” Ellen left, never taking her eyes from the baby. After the door swooshed shut, it was silent except for the ticking of a clock and Ellen's footsteps making their way down the tiled hall. Tommy sank into the bench, rubbing his eyes and scratching the stubble on his face.

  “Thanks for staying,” she said.

  “Lee, I wouldn't leave, after all we've been through.” Everything about him sagged, the lines in his face seemed deeper and his voice was hollow and sad. “She's beautiful.”

  “Did Ellen tell you what Joshua found?”

  “Yeah, she showed me the letter when we were looking for you.” He smiled and raised his eyebrows. “Can't believe I didn't see it before.”

  “Knowing I was wanted, that he wouldn't have walked away, well, it's made things easier to accept. And, knowing about Ellen is better than those fantasies I used to come up with as a kid.”

  He flinched and turned towards the window. “I'm glad.”

  “Tommy, you're better than any fantasy I could come up with, too. I know I've hurt you and I'm truly sorry. I don't want this to be ruined.”

  He turned to her, sat on the side of the hospital bed, sighing and running his hands through his hair. “All these months, keeping this secret.”

  “What would you have done if you'd known?”

  “Sold everything I owned to pay him off and if that wasn't enough, gone after him myself.”

  “See, I knew that, and I couldn't let anything happen to you because of me.”

  He puffed his cheeks and threw up his hands. “You've got to be the most exasperating woman that ever lived. That's not the way this works. Love isn't like your lists. When you love someone there's nothing you won't do for them, and sometimes that means it's a colossal mess. I've felt from the first moment I saw you that we're connected in some kind of mysterious, other-world way. You fought it instead of giving into it and I couldn't understand why, until I figured out your secret was bigger than my love for you. You allowed it to be bigger than my love for you. But it was an excuse because deep down you didn't believe you're worthy of my love. And that's where you're wrong because you don't get to decide. Because the way I see you, the way I feel about you - I get to decide that.”

  “I know.”

  He stared at the floor, his voice soft. “I've been miserable without you.” He rubbed his eyes and then looked at the ceiling. “I've been going insane. I can't sleep. I can't eat.”

  “I was too.”

  He looked at her. “It can't be like before. No more secrets.”

  She reached for his hand. “It won't be. I have nothing left to hide.”

  He turned his face towards her and his eyes were wet. “I want you to marry me and I want to adopt the baby. I want to be a family.”

  “I want that too.”

  He brushed her hair away from her face. “You sure? I know you never wanted to live here and I'll move if you want. I'll go anywhere you want.”

  “When I was a child I felt the landscape here run through me like it was part of my blood or bones, like it fed me somehow during those times my mother broke my heart. When I went to art school, I used to paint it from memory, the bend of the river, the arc of the mountains as the sun set behind them, the hue and sway of the dry summer grasses. When I left here I thought my love for these simple treasures would sustain me but as the years passed I lost that feeling. The emptiness, the difficulty of surviving in this world all alone, it took over. I tried to fill that hole with security, money, order, and with the heat of the anger towards my mother. But I see now that this place and our friends, the work of Riversong, these feed me, these fill me. And, you. Especially you.”

  Smiling, he took her hands. “I'll spend a lifetime making sure that remains true. You have my word on that.”

  “Me too,” she whispered. “Always.”

  Epilogue

  The morning of the baptism ceremony, Lee heard Ellie-Rose howling from the nursery. Knowing that particular cry meant the baby was hungry, she smiled to herself, thinking how desperate she sounded, as if the tiny person thought she might never be fed again. Lee padded down the hall and picked her daughter up out of the crib, nursing her in the glider rocking chair Linus had given her. Ellie-Rose ate ferociously while Lee listened to the wind rustling through the firs and the river's melody mingling with the notes of the winter sparrow. She caressed her daughter's delicate ear and smoothed the strawberry blond hair over the soft spot in the middle of her head.

  After Ellie-Rose had her fill, Lee set the wriggling, grinning baby on the floor of the bedroom while she dressed. They'd decided the only solution that seemed right was for her to move into Tommy's house and for Annie and Alder to move into her house. Here there were no memories to haunt her sleep. And Annie and Alder loved the transformed home, with Ellen close by to help.

  She heard the front door slam and Tommy's keys drop on the table. He was in the doorway then, sweaty, smelling of lime and the outdoors, watching her for a moment, carefully, like he did. “You look beautiful,” he said to Lee, as he kissed the baby on both cheeks. “How's daddy's girl? Have you been good while I was gone?”

  He sang in the shower. She held the baby in her lap, closing her eyes, listening to the sweet notes of his voice while breathing in the perfect smell of her daughter's head. She had no idea she would love a daughter this much. No one had told her it would be this way. She thought of Clive and her cubs then, and sent silent gratitude.

  She sat in the front row of the church, cradling warm Ellie-Rose against her chest. It was a non-denominational Christian church built in the simple style of the Shakers, all clean lines and natural wood. The mid-morning light of early December flooded in from the skylights and it smelled of vanilla and lilies that Ellen had grown in her greenhouse for this occasion. Tommy sat next to her, absently playing with his wedding ring and talking in a low voice to the Pastor about the details of Ellie-Rose's baptism.

  Dan's parents, Ralph and Betty, sat in the row across from them. For this, their third visit since her birth, they stayed at Linus's newly opened bed and breakfast,
The Second Chance Inn. This morning, Ralph, back straight, eyes darting around the church as if looking for something to orchestrate, caught Lee's eye and nodded. Betty gripped a digital camera, dressed in a dark pink suit, her feet held daintily together. Dan's sister was there too, without the husband and children, a hint of the former peace she had before Dan's death there on her face. Last night they'd all eaten at Riversong, passing Ellie-Rose from one to the other, kissing her and making funny faces to get her to laugh. After the dessert, a chocolate soufflé, Betty gave Lee a present to open. It was Dan's christening gown. Betty's eyes filled as she said, “I thought it might be nice for tomorrow, but only if you want.”

  Lee hugged her. “It would be lovely,” she said.

  Billy, sitting behind Dan's family, fiddled with his tie and looked uncomfortable in a suit a size too big for him. Cindi sat next to him, chomping gum and swinging her crossed leg back and forth. Mike came in with Ray. Lee smiled at them as Mike reached over to pat Tommy's shoulder. “Quite a day. Quite a day.”

  Ray nodded in agreement. “Glad to be here.”

  Lee rested her head on Tommy's shoulder. He kissed her cheek. She heard someone's coat scrape the back of the bench and turned to see Annie and Alder take the seats behind them. Ellen and Verle walked in next, holding hands like teenagers. Ellen sat next to Alder and whispered something in his ear that made him giggle, while Verle loosened his tie that looked circa 1973. Linus and John came in next, dress shoes clicking on the wood floor of the church and sitting on the other side of Annie. Linus leaned over the bench, resting his hand on her shoulder. “You three need anything?”

  Tommy glanced at Lee and down at the baby. “No, we're all set.”

  The pastor smiled at them as he came up the aisle and took his place at the podium. Ellie-Rose stirred in her sleep, let out a short squeak, opened her sapphire colored eyes and stared at Lee for a moment before closing them once again and falling asleep, her mouth slack and her little hands splayed on top of the pink blanket.