Perception

by Lee Strauss

  “I’ll take you. I’ll meet you at the gate.”

  I didn’t have time to eat breakfast, but that was fine. My stomach was churning, and I couldn’t eat anything if I tried. I washed up, brushed my teeth and entered the tomb also known as my closet.

  What should I wear?

  I chose a yellow sundress with white slip-on shoes. I brushed my hair until it shone and left it hanging down.

  I knew I was going the extra mile for Noah Brody.

  And it worked. He couldn’t hold back his grin when he saw me.

  “Morning,” he said.

  I grinned back. “You were right about Anthony being fast.”

  He fell into step beside me, leading the way to the podium for the train that would take us to Anthony’s neighborhood. “I told you he was good.”

  “But he wouldn’t tell you what he found? Not a hint?”

  Noah averted his gaze. “I’m sure it’s nothing serious.”

  The train arrived and we got on with the afternoon crowd which quickly snapped up all the seats. Noah grabbed the bar overhead, and held onto me with his free arm. I had to press into him to stay balanced. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it.

  “Did you talk to Dexter?” I said. We were close enough to kiss. I closed my eyes in order to stop looking at his lips. I had to quit thinking things like that. It was stupid. And wrong.

  “Uh, yeah. He confessed. He said some guys from Sol City had tracked him down, looking for a place to set up a lab. Said it had to be something hidden, off the grid. They paid him. He did it for the money to support his habit.”

  “Oh.”

  “He felt terrible about what happened to your brother, but he swears he had no idea what they were doing there.”

  The train’s movement jostled us about, and a turn around a bend pushed me in even tighter against him. I felt his breath on my neck.

  “The memorial’s tomorrow,” I said softly.

  Noah reached for a stray strand of hair and tucked it behind my ear. “I’m sorry I can’t be there with you.”

  My knees buckled. “I know. My grandfather’s coming, so it’s probably a good thing you’re not. In case he’s still holding a grudge against your grandfather.”

  Noah grunted but he kept his thoughts about that to himself.

  The train arrived at our stop, and he guided me out by my elbow. I held back a smile. He couldn’t stop touching me.

  “Can you tell me more about Liam’s experiment?” he said. “We didn’t really have a chance to get into it last night.”

  “I don’t know a lot.”

  We walked the two blocks to Anthony’s house as we talked. Most of the homes in this neighborhood had manicured lawns and two-car garages.

  “Scientists have been able to emulate neural networks to create artificial intelligence for some time,” I said. “The next step is to hook up our brains to artificial technology.”

  “You mean download our minds and memories onto a hard drive?”

  “Something like that. The technology has been around for a while. They’ve been doing it on rats for decades. It’s all in an effort to create a post human existence, which includes fusing mechanical material to the nervous system.”

  Noah jerked. “But is that possible?”

  “Yes. Bioethics and state laws prevent scientists from taking the process too far. It’s why the world hasn’t been populated with super soldiers.”

  “That’s why they had to experiment off the grid.”

  I nodded. “But, I don’t get why Liam was involved in something like this. He must’ve known what kind of damage could be done in the world if this technology gets in the wrong hands. I never would’ve guessed it of him.”

  Noah buzzed the gate when we arrived. Anthony lived in an upper middle class neighborhood, in a house with a valley view and a swimming pool.

  Anthony opened the door, and Noah followed me into a mid-sized living room with dark blue wall to wall carpet that was faded in the high-traffic areas. Anthony led the way to a bedroom at the end of the hall.

  “After you,” Noah said, following me in.

  I held back a gasp of surprise. Anthony had a wall full of glass monitors, and his desk was covered with tech gadgets. My guess was that I wasn’t his only customer. He directed us to his main wall monitor, and then sat in the chair in front of it.

  “So what’d you get?” Noah said.

  Anthony turned to me and said, “Do you want him to see?”

  “I can leave,” Noah offered.

  “No, it’s okay. If Anthony can know, you can know.”

  Anthony pulled up a screen, widening the window with his fingers. Three files, one for each of my two and a half missing years, appeared. He tapped the first report: GAP procedure done in utero. Born healthy, annual check up normal, vaccinations up to date.

  The second report was almost identical; check up normal, vaccinations up to date.

  Anthony glanced at me before tapping on the third file. It opened: Accidental death by drowning. Did not respond to resuscitation efforts.

  “What?” I grabbed Noah’s arm for support.

  “Obviously they resuscitated you,” he said. “They must’ve forgot to update the report.”

  I felt my face drain of color. “I don’t remember this. I don’t remember almost drowning.”

  Anthony frowned sympathetically. “There’s more.”

  He clicked to the next page and I read the text with disbelief. My knees gave out, and I collapsed against Noah. He immediately put his arms around me, propping me up. I felt him scoop me into his arms and carry me to Anthony’s bed.

  “What is it?” Noah said as he lay me down. “What does all that medical speak mean?”

  Anthony sighed loudly. “It means she’s a clone.”

  Chapter 18

  Heat radiated from the sand, trapped by the greyness of a dense, oppressive fog. It pressed against the mourners and beads of sweat formed on their brows. They eagerly accepted the cold, fizzy drinks being offered by the hired wait staff.

  An over-sized video screen rattled in the wind on the second tier of the Vanderveen property, with images of Liam fluttering like a flag. White roses had been delivered by the truckload. White petals peeled off and floated away in the saline breeze whishing off the ocean. A string quartet was set up in the corner of the stone-tiled patio playing soft, melancholy tunes.

  The worst was over, or at least I hoped it was. Paul had choked up while giving the eulogy with Alison sniffing loudly while standing behind him. I thought Jackson would say something, but apparently he was too grief stricken to do so.

  As was I.

  Grandpa V had said a few words before he and Paul ceremoniously scattered Liam’s ashes into the ocean, and clusters of people gathered around my parents, cooing their condolences. A larger group formed, enamored by the words of wisdom flowing like oil from the Senator’s mouth.

  My lips pulled down into a hard frown. If only everyone would just go home.

  I chose an empty lounge chair by the pool and lay back, closing my eyes. My thoughts returned to the ride home on the sky train from Anthony’s. Noah had claimed the last empty seat and had pulled me onto his lap for the ride. I’d nuzzled my face into his neck and sobbed quietly.

  I’d felt embarrassed for breaking down in public, but Noah didn’t seem to care what the people on the train thought. He didn’t shush me or tell me everything would be okay. He just stroked my back and let me soak his shirt with my tears.

  My eyes were still red from crying about myself, but it was a good look for a memorial. All I’d had to do was switch into my black dress.

  I sorrowed for my lost brother and now for the loss of my own identity, but my emotions over the latter had simmered into rage. A couple weeks ago I was blissfully unaware that my whole life was a lie. I had been barely aware of the world outside of Sol City gates, never wanting to leave my wonderland.

  Now I couldn’t wait to leave.

 
I spotted Jackson standing on the opposite side of the pool, watching me warily. When he saw that I’d caught him staring, he skirted around the people to get to me. My nerves set off, and I breathed in, wishing the impending confrontation wouldn’t happen.

  “Are you okay?” he said when he reached me.

  I felt my teeth grind as my jaw tightened. No, I wasn’t okay.

  He sat at the bottom of my lounge chair, and rested his hand on my leg, looking at me with wide, hopeful eyes. “We’ll get through this somehow.”

  I didn’t want him touching me. I pulled my legs away, sitting up. “I don’t think we will.”

  “Zoe, what are you saying?”

  “I’m saying I need to take a break.”

  “From me?” The hurt in his eyes was clear. “I know this is really painful, and I know you’re mad at me. But I think we need each other to get through this.”

  I shook my head. “I’m sorry.”

  Jackson squinted. “Is this about that guy?”

  When I didn’t answer, his lips tightened, their pink hue turning to white. “I can’t believe this.”

  “What does it matter? It’s not like we can go back to what we had before. It wasn’t real anyway.”

  “It was real to me. It still is.”

  “Liam is dead. And you–”

  “I what?”

  “You won’t tell me what you know. I’m sorry, but that’s a deal-breaker for me.”

  I stood and walked away, leaving him sitting poolside, his fists curling and uncurling. Thirsty, I headed toward the drink table. I passed Alison and Paul who seemed to be suddenly the picture of strength, talking in low tones with their guests. It was amazing what pharmaceuticals could do to alter a person’s reality. No wonder Zack Dexter was such a fan.

  Dexter told Noah he’d helped Liam find a lab for the money. But what if there was more to it than that? What if there had been some kind of disagreement between them?

  Maybe they fought over money. Was Dexter demanding more? Blackmail? Maybe Dexter was threatening to expose them, and a fight had ensued? Had Dexter gotten revenge?

  Lost in thought, I hadn’t noticed that Grandpa Vanderveen had sidled up beside me. I’d been standing numbly in front of the drinks not taking one. The Senator picked a can out of the bucket of ice and poured it for me.

  “Thanks,” I said, sipping eagerly. The wind was like a constant furnace, wrapping my ponytail uncomfortably around my neck, choking me the same way my life was choking me. I pulled on it, releasing its hold and rubbing my neck.

  Grandpa V watched me. He’d been genetically altered later in life, after his jowls and eyelids had started to droop, so he didn’t have the same natural youthful look as other GAPs. His vanity had kicked in along the way, however, and he’d made up for any lack with plastic surgery. Now his skin was pulled a little too tightly over his cheekbones, and his eyelids had been worked on in such a way that he looked like he was perpetually surprised.

  I’d always been a little leery of my famous grandfather. We didn’t share the warm bonds I’d seen in other families, and now I understood why.

  “I know this was such a shock,” his voice was low and gravelly. “It broke my heart to hear the news. This must be terribly difficult for you.”

  I sent him a terse, sideways glance. “Why didn’t you just have him cloned? Oh, right too many people knew he was dead already. Such a pity.”

  I figured my grandfather must’ve been involved with my cloning. His pull was the only way my parents could’ve gotten an illegal procedure like that done and kept quiet.

  William Vanderveen rocked on his shoes. “So you know. I told them your medical files should’ve been erased.”

  His overly wide eyes gazed down at me. “But Zoe, child, I did it for you. You’d be dead, if I hadn’t, right? And your poor mother, she was so distraught. I did it for her and your father, too. I just wanted to ease their pain.”

  She is dead. I wasn’t her. Or, was I? I glanced off to the side as I finished my drink.

  Grandpa V kept talking. “I never thought she’d have to go through such a loss again.”

  I placed my empty glass down on the table. “Yeah, that’s just really bad luck.”

  The Senator didn’t seem to catch the scorn in my voice. “It was quite easy to hide your case,” he said, barely loud enough for me to hear. “Since you’d drowned in a private pool without any witnesses.”

  It shocked me to hear my own death talked about so casually.

  “Of course, your mother blamed herself, and had I not stepped in, well, I don’t know what would’ve become of her.”

  “You’re a real boy scout.”

  “Now, now, don’t be ungrateful. But you’re right. It was impossible for me to step in and rescue your mother’s heart once again. Still, that’s the great thing about being a GAP. Her child-bearing years are twice as long.”

  I understood the two child only GAP policy. The world was already over-populated and the GAPs ethics committee required that they not be responsible for assisting in raising those numbers. A person had to sign a contract that as a GAP they wouldn’t have more than two children. Two live children. I wondered how long it would be before my parents told me they’re expecting another baby boy.

  “It was great to chat, Grandpa,” I said, plastering a fake smile on my face. “But I have to go.”

  I suddenly couldn’t stand these people. I couldn’t stand any of this. All the secrets buried beneath the grief. I had to get away.

  Was it wrong that the only person in the world I trusted, the only person on the planet I wanted to be with right now, was an outsider? A natural and an anti-GAP protester?

  Chapter 19

  I messaged Noah Brody. Meet me at the church?

  In seconds he texted back. When?

  I answered. Now and sneaked into the garage without anyone noticing. I instructed the pod to take me to the gate, where I exited Sol City on foot and walked through the crowds on the outside, over the pedestrian bridge.

  Noah was waiting on the front steps of the church when I arrived. I tightened my pony tail and smoothed out my little black dress, feeling self-conscious.

  His eyes smiled when he saw me, and he said, “I’ve got something to show you.”

  He took my hand and led me through the bramble to the back of the church, opening the door to let me in.

  “I’ve been here before, you know,” I said.

  “Not where I’m taking you.”

  “Ooh, sounds mysterious.”

  On the far side was a wooden door, hard to see because of the way the shadows crossed the room. It opened to a set of dusty, steep, spiralling steps.

  “The clock tower?” I said.

  “Just wait.” Noah took the lead up the narrow steps, checking back every few seconds to make sure I was okay.

  “I didn’t realize you could climb up here,” I said.

  “It was for the clock master, so he could fix the clock and change the time twice a year.”

  He lifted the flat door-panel above his head which opened like an attic hatch. He climbed through and then reached for my hand to help me up.

  What you couldn’t see from the ground was that the back of the tower had a small terrace. It was a tight fit, barely room for two people. From where we leaned against the rail, we could see the lights of LA and watch the people as they scurried across the square, catching the trains and pods or just meeting up with a friend or a lover. There was a twelve-foot section between the buildings that towered around the church to the west where you could watch the sun set over the ocean.

  “Thanks for bringing me here,” I said.

  Noah tapped his fingers along the top of the rail. “I like to come here to think. To remember.” He looked back at me. “You’re the only other person I’ve brought up here.”

  I pulled back in surprise.

  “It’s not like I come up here a lot,” he added.

  “Noah...”

  “Yeah?�
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  I stared at my hands. “I can’t imagine what you must think of me now.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, it’s no secret how you feel about GAPs. And I’m even worse than that now.”

  “Zoe,” Noah said softly. “I don’t care.”

  “You don’t?”

  He shook his head.

  “I don’t get it,” I said. “You are adamantly opposed to GAP policies. Have your views changed?”

  “No. My views regarding GAP policies haven’t changed. My views regarding you have. You didn’t choose to be GAP, your parents chose that for you. You can’t help that the GAP world is all you knew until now.

  “I like you as a person, Zoe, despite your GAP status.”

  There was a moment of awkward silence. Then Noah pulled open his bag. “Here, I have something for you. It might make you feel a little better.”

  I looked at him quizzically. When he produced a selection of sweets, I smiled.

  He held them out like a candy bar fan. “I’ve heard chocolate cures a multitude of ailments.”

  I laughed a little. “You know more about girls than you let on, Noah Brody.”

  I chose milk chocolate with nuts and opened the wrapper. After taking a bite, I offered it to him.

  Noah took a bite and shared the silence. I longed to reach over and stroke his bronze skin, angry at how life had thrown me this curve ball and uncertain about what to do. A tear sprouted from my eye and trailed down my face. Noah reached up and wiped it carefully with his finger.

  “The sunset too much for you?” he joked. “I know you’re used to the wide screen version.”

  I looked away. “I’m a GAP and a clone. Am I even human?”

  “You’re crying. You have emotions.”

  “But do I have a soul?”

  “I thought you didn’t care about that.”

  I turned to him. “I guess I do.”

  “Yes, I believe you have a soul.”

  It meant so much to hear him say it. Never in my life had I doubted myself, my reason for being, my right to exist. Now everything was in question.

  I let out a long, slow breath before taking another small bite of the candy bar.