The Honor Anthology

by Emily Snow

  “She’ll be fine.” She yawns then lies beside me, against me, almost stiff.

  “I am post-orgasm sleepy, and although I’m not used to sleeping next to anyone, I am sure I could fall asleep next to you if you weren’t so damn tense.” I roll to my side. “Talk to me.”

  “It didn’t feel wrong,” she whispers.

  I lean in and whisper in her ear, “Because it wasn’t.”

  She looks over and smiles, but it’s forced.

  “I told you about me. The only reason I’m here today is because someone saw something in me. You, beautiful, got out without help.”

  She sighs and nods. I nod back.

  Then I reach down and rub her belly. “If my dick bruised your tummy in the shower, I apologize.”

  She smiles and shakes her head. “You apologize for my belly, but not … you know.”

  “No fucking way. I hope that’s bruised for months.”

  “Months? Will you be gone that long?”

  “Better not be.” I laugh.

  She looks at me with concern, and son of a bitch if that doesn’t do something to me.

  “Hey.” I smile. “Shouldn’t tell you this, but I like that you don’t like that.”

  “Even before … well, earlier, I told you—”

  “You basically told me in front of everyone you’d fuck me when I came home. Christ, do you know what it’s like to have a hard-on in a crowd?”

  She smiles. “Of course I don’t.”

  “Look, it could be days, weeks, maybe a month tops. But I will be back. And you will be here, yeah?”

  “Yeah.” She bites her lip.

  “Good.” I pull her close. “Get comfortable because this is how we sleep.”

  I link my hand with hers, and she yawns, curls up tight against me, and whispers, “This is how Jeb and Mary sleep.”

  “And this is how Jeb and Mary try to sleep.”

  She looks up at me.

  “Beautiful, I need you again.”

  She rolls to her back and nods. “I’m yours.”

  Have her, I do, and I don’t want to leave the bed, so we don’t. She lies on me, still connected, and I don’t tell her, but I hope I smell like her in the morning.

  “Little lamb, Mary, beautiful mine.”

  “That’s a long name,” she says, half-asleep.

  “Yeah, but it all fits.” I thrust into her, and in her sleepy, post-orgasmic state, she moans. “Keep that up and we’ll be …” I stop and yawn, “at it again.”

  “I don’t want them to know yet,” she says quietly.

  “Why?”

  “It’s ours, yours and mine. I feel like they’ll think I wasn’t strong enough to be alone.”

  “I don’t like it, not at all. But if that’s what you want, okay.”

  She presses her lips against my chest in a silent thank you. “I want us first.”

  “Yeah, me, too.”

  I lie there, looking at the ceiling, listening to her slow, shallow breaths. It’s comfortable. It feels right. It feels more than right.

  No one, and I mean no one, has had me like this.

  The feelings I didn’t expect to have, a slight bit of insecurity when telling her about me. The way it felt when she was set on staying with that fucker when, even though I played it off like I didn’t know about the break, it pissed me off. What if she had seriously wanted him back? I would be in jail. Maybe not before being inside her, but sure as fuck after.

  She asked me if I lo- lo- Awe, fuck it. The L-word. She asked me, and I couldn’t say yes, and I couldn’t say no. I know damn well that’s not cool, but I will make sure I set the record straight. She will know how I feel if she doesn’t already. And if she does, she will have affirmation whenever she needs it.

  Looking at the clock, I see it’s one in the damn morning. An hour has passed since she fell asleep, and it seems like minutes.

  I close my eyes and breathe her in. She smells amazing, like heaven. Heaven and me.

  Fuck, I’m going to get hard again. Fuck, I am getting hard again.

  Simmer down, soldier, I think to myself.

  I close my eyes and hold her tight. Little lamb, Mary, beautiful mine.

  Chapter Nine

  Mary

  Home

  I wake up after a dream that this was all a dream, and his smell surrounds me. Before I even open my eyes, I take in a deep breath.

  I feel beside me, and the spot is empty. Then I hear a bark and sit up.

  After I hear it again, I grab the shirt he must have laid next to me and pull it on. I run down the stairs when I hear Shady whine then bark again. She’s at the front window.

  I go to her, looking around for Shadows.

  “Jeb?”

  Shady whines again, and I look out the window to see his truck. He must have gone and gotten it.

  “Jeb?” I say more loudly.

  Something catches my eye from across the street. I push the curtain aside and see him getting into a yellow cab. As I hit the window and yell his name, he shuts the door to the cab.

  “Damn you!” I hit the window again. “Lieutenant Shadows, you asshole!”

  I run to the front door and fumble with the locks, swinging it open as the cab pulls away.

  “Jeb!”

  Shady takes off like lightning toward the cab.

  “Shady, no!”

  I run out the door after her. She’s fast, too fast.

  “Shady!”

  The cab comes to a stop at the end of the road, and she jumps up on the cab and barks.

  When the door opens and he gets out, he barks out an order, “Come!”

  I march toward him, fully intent on telling him exactly how I feel when he turns and sees me. His shoulders slouch, and I walk faster. He looks at me like I have lost my mind.

  He leans back in the cab. “Give me a minute.”

  “No! He can leave!” I snap at him.

  “Give me a minute,” he says again then turns back toward me.

  He grabs Shady’s collar with one hand and mine with the other. I try to pull it away, and he lets me, pushing his sunglasses up on his head.

  “Mary, don’t.” He grabs my hand again and holds it more securely as he walks quickly toward his house.

  Seeing neighbors on their porches, Jeb nods to each of them as he walks us by.

  Once inside, he shuts the door and turns toward me.

  “Crazy is cool, Mary, but we’ll save that for the bedroom, you hear me?”

  “Don’t! Don’t you even think—” I stop when I feel myself shaking.

  “You are in a fucking T-shirt, running down the street, so don’t tell me shit right now.”

  “I’m so pissed at you!” Tears immediately fall. “We aren’t an us, are we? If we were an us, you would never have left without saying good-bye!”

  “How the fuck do you say good-bye to someone you just said hello to, Mary?” His voice isn’t controlled like before. “You answer me that one, and I’ll give you the apology you seem to think I owe you.”

  “You just do! You don’t just walk away after.” I hold my hand against the part that hurts—my heart. “You promised me you’d come back.”

  “And I will. But I will never fucking promise you a good-bye. Never.”

  His arms are across his chest, and his face is red. He’s angry. Well, so am I.

  I throw my hands in the air and shake my head. “I don’t know what to do or what to say.”

  He shrugs. “That makes two of us.”

  “You were just going to leave, though. You were just going to walk away and—”

  “I wrote a letter”—he looks down—“like some fucking teenage boy would.” He shrugs. “That’s all I could think to do.”

  “I’m getting pants; I’m taking you to the base; I’m going to, not some stupid cab.” I hit my chest. “Me!”

  “No, Mary. That goes against everything we discussed last night. We want it to be just us. You said it; I agreed.”

  �
�Well, I changed my mind.”

  “You feel free to change it about that, but nothing else, you got it? Nothing else.” He’s still mad.

  “You can’t be pissed at me.”

  “I can. I said what I had to in the letter. I knew I couldn’t say good-bye. I also knew I couldn’t do it twice, and I fucking knew you’d throw a shit-fit about taking me to base, and I’d have to say it again, so yes, I can be pissed off.”

  “Why is it so hard?”

  “Never has been before,” he says. “Now you march your ass over here, kiss me, and then I walk away like nothing shitty happened this morning.”

  I stand still, just looking at him.

  “Dammit, Mary.” He reaches out and grabs me. Then he pulls me into him and kisses me. I throw my arms around him and hold him as tightly as I can.

  “Gotta go to work,” he whispers against my ear. “I’ll be back for dinner.”

  I pull back and look at him like he’s nuts.

  “I’ll be back for dinner,” he says again, leaning his forehead against mine.

  “But not—”

  “I’ll be back for dinner.”

  “Sooner than that. Lunch.”

  “Little lamb, I’ll be back for dinner,” he whispers then kisses my head and starts to turn away.

  It’s his way of saying good-bye without using the word.

  I close my eyes tightly, nod my head, and then open them.

  He’s leaving. He’s walking away.

  “What do you want for dinner?” I ask, desperate to keep him here longer.

  He stops and turns around. “Whatever you’re serving is what I want.”

  “Then I’ll have it waiting.”

  “I know you will.” He reaches out to lift my chin, and then he kisses me softly, gently. “I’ll be back for dinner.”

  “I’ll be waiting.”

  He pulls his glasses down to cover his eyes. “Shady, take care of my girl.” He pats the dog’s head and walks out the door.

  When it closes behind him, Shady goes to the window and barks then whines. I sit next to her on the floor and cry as the yellow cab takes away the man who promised me everything yet can’t give me a time for his return.

  I hold the phone in my hand like it’s a lifeline. I try to will him to call me, but after two hours have passed, I know he isn’t going to.

  A kiss and a promise were enough for today. It’s more than I have ever gotten from any man before.

  In my other hand is his letter, unopened because I need something from him tomorrow.

  When it’s nine in the morning, I call Frankie. I know I’m going to lie to her, and I don’t like it, but it’s him and me. It’s us.

  She answers the phone. “Everything okay?”

  “No. I mean, yes and no.”

  “Okay. What’s going on?” She pauses. “Shadows?”

  “Please don’t tell Jax—I mean, anyone, but especially not Jax. Frankie, I—”

  She groans. “Jax will kill him.”

  “I think Jax will kill me if he knows I’m upsetting you.”

  “Deflecting. Let’s hear it.”

  “I don’t know—”

  “Did you sleep with him?”

  “No, but yes, like—”

  “Oh, Mary,” she sighs.

  Here come the lies. “No sex. God, he was drunk—”

  “Please don’t tell me he couldn’t get it up. And if he couldn’t, please understand that I am going to ride his ass so hard—”

  “That’s not what I’m saying. We slept together. No sex, but other things.”

  “Other things? Did you want those other things to happen?”

  “I have a boyfriend.” The second lie. I hate it, but we said this is ours. We are ours. Him and me. As a result, I don’t want anyone to know about Joe; it would make it too obvious that something is going on with Shadows and me.

  “Shadows knows that, too. What an asshole.”

  “No, Frankie, I’m the asshole. He is single; I’m not. You know what? Forget I called—”

  “No!”

  “Please, I shouldn’t have called.”

  “You need to talk, or you wouldn’t have called me.”

  “I just … He left me with a lot to think about, and even though I have no right to ask this, and please, please, please don’t tell Jax, I need to know he’s okay.”

  “Do you love your boyfriend?”

  “Yes. I love our relationship.” Lie three.

  I need to tell Shadows I can’t do this. I can’t lie, even if it was my idea.

  “Mary, that’s not what I asked.”

  “I just want him to be okay. I just want to know that he’s okay.”

  “Did he leave on good terms?”

  “He left before I was awake.” Lie four. I can’t tell her how crazy I was. Not on the phone, anyway. Would that break our promise? Was it even a promise? I wish I could talk to him.

  “What a dick!”

  “No, he left a note.”

  “A note?”

  “Yes. ‘Thanks for last night, little lamb. Perfect send off. Much appreciation. Be true to yourself.’ He signs it, ‘Oh, God! Joking’ in parentheses and then just his name, Shadows.” I’m going straight to hell for all of these lies.

  “Oh, God?” She pauses. “Oh, oh. Mary, spill it.”

  “Frankie, I can’t. Just please let me know when you hear from him. I just want to know he’s okay. And another thing, I don’t want him to know.”

  “You can talk to me.”

  “But can I trust you?”

  “Of course you can. That’s a silly question.”

  “I know. I know.”

  “Look, Jax and I are going back up to the cabin, and he asked me to invite you and Renee. It will be a cross between work and strategy. Come. We can talk about it, or we don’t have to. It’ll take your mind off it, regardless.”

  “When?” I ask.

  “Tomorrow.”

  “Perfect. I’ll talk to Renee. Oh, can I bring the dog?”

  “Shadows’ dog?” she asks, shocked. “Okay. We will have someone come to pick you two and the dog up. I’ll text you.”

  “Who will you send?”

  “Not sure. Someone who looks totally sketchy and scary and is both, but totally harmless to you.”

  “I look forward to it.” It’s the truth.

  “Stop beating yourself up. Get some sleep. Tomorrow night, you can drink enough wine for both of us and tell me everything you can’t while sober.”

  “Don’t you dare get me drunk enough to spill it. I just want it to go away.”

  “Gone. Done. I promise I won’t bring it up.”

  “Thank you.”

  “No, Mary, thank you. Thank you for being my friend. I know it’s not easy.”

  “It’s so easy.”

  ~~~

  My phone rings as Shady and I are pacing. I stop and quickly answer it.

  “What’s going on, Mary?”

  It’s Joe.

  “Um, I just—”

  “I’ll be back at the end of next week. We’ll discuss it then. We aren’t breaking up over a text.”

  “We’ve actually already broken up.”

  “No, we actually haven’t,” he says.

  “I’m moving. I’ve moved,” I say quickly.

  “What? When?”

  “Last night.”

  “Where?”

  “My friend, Frankie’s friends, the Navy—”

  “That fucking asshole Shadows? I knew it. No. Not—”

  “He’s not an asshole, and yes.”

  “You’re living with him?” He’s angry; I can tell. And honestly, it doesn’t bother me in the least.

  “He is deployed. I’m living here and taking care of his dog.”

  “So you’re house-sitting?”

  “No. I’m living here,” I state.

  “You couldn’t just wait until we graduated? Gotta get what you can when it’s available? My mother was right about you
. You’re—”

  “I have to go,” I interrupt, not wanting to know what she said about me.

  “Don’t think for a minute that I will take you back when he boots you.”

  “It’s not like that, Joe. You and I, we didn’t work.”

  “We worked just fine when I was taking you to brunch or dinner and when I fucked you twice a week.”

  I laugh and cover my mouth.

  “What’s so fucking funny?”

  “Was it that much of a chore to be with me?”

  “You have no idea, do you?”

  The way he says it, with disgust, brings back those feelings again, the self-doubt, self-loathing, insecurity.

  “Did you hang up on me?” he snaps.

  “Not yet,” I say quietly.

  “You were something different to me, Mary. Now I know different isn’t always better.”

  “Good-bye, Joe,” I say before hanging up.

  I walk down the stairs and grab the letter. I need him now. I need him, and this is all I have of him.

  I look up, and Shady is at the back door.

  “You need to go out?”

  Once I open the door and let her out, she grabs a ball and brings it to me.

  “Fetch, huh?” I ask then immediately throw the ball.

  She runs after it, and I sit on the steps and start to open the letter.

  She drops the ball on it.

  “Well, then. Okay.”

  I throw the ball again then open the letter, watching her run toward me so fast I almost brace for impact. She stops on a dime and drops it on my lap. This time, I expect it and move the letter.

  I throw it harder, expecting more time, but she just runs faster and returns it just as quickly.

  “Wow, Shady.” I laugh and throw the ball over and over and over again.

  Chapter Ten

  Shadows

  The Night Before

  Little lamb, Mary, beautiful mine,

  Lying with you tonight was the best night I have spent with a woman—hell, possibly the best night I have spent in my life.

  I want to come clean about a few things. The first time I heard your voice, it was as if I had heard it before, but I know I hadn’t. The first time I saw you, you were trying to be strong, but I saw something recognizable, yet it was brand new.