by Emily Snow
“Man, you’re really good at what you do, as are we. So sit back, enjoy the ride and quit worrying,” Rex stares at me with those hard eyes as he makes a sharp left turn toward the hills of dirt surrounding us.
“Dude, relax! This is amazing! I’ve always wanted to see this shit!” Gary yells from the back of the Humvee. He may have always wanted to, but I just have this feeling in my gut that this isn’t what we should be doing. Something is going to go wrong.
“Okay,” I exhale as I look out over the horizon and just enjoy the ride.
“We will take ya’ll somewhere secluded and let you shoot the M2. But, you can’t tell anyone. I’d get in serious trouble for that shit,” Steven mutters as we continue the tour.
“Look down there, that’s a village of civilians,” Rex points his finger off to the distance, where there is a village of people about five miles away. I look from the distance because he turns to go the opposite direction. “We try to help them, but when you see kids with bombs on their chest ready to blow your ass up, you tend to not trust any of them.”
“I don’t get how they can live like that,” Gary says softly as he looks out the window. Maybe this was a good idea for him to come here. When I first met Gary, I was ten and we’d been put together on the bus ride home. It was his first day at our school from being tossed around within the system. In our rise to fame, I think he’d forgotten where he came from. But, watching him see these people’s village, I can see that he’s remembering the person he left behind eight years ago when we started with the record company. “Even I never had it like this.”
“It’s hard to look at sometimes, but we do what we have to do and then we move on.” Steven pats his back. “You want to help them, but you don’t know who really wants the help, or wants to blow your ass up.”
“That’s scary,” I mutter and Rex lets out a huff.
“Yeah, now who’s ready to shoot a gun?” He looks between Gary and I as he pulls up to a secluded part of the area. All I see is hill upon hill of sand and dirt.
“Hell yeah! Let me shoot that fucker!” Gary jumps into the back seat like a kid in the damn candy store. I don’t know whether I want to laugh or punch him.
“Come on,” Steven stands up and opens the hatch to get to the machine gun on the back of the vehicle.
I watch from the front seat as I hear the mumbled voices above us. I can hear him explaining to Gary what to do and what not to do.
“So, do you enjoy what you do?” Rex asks as he looks up, crossing his big arms over his chest.
“I do, for the most part,” I shrug.
“I know that feeling. I love what I do, but I don’t like the loss that comes with it.”
“I thought I had it all, until I came here,” I mutter before the gun goes off, hitting the dirt of the hills surrounding us. That bitch is loud as hell. I can hear Gary screaming out like he’s Rambo and I can’t help but laugh. Rex even lets out a smile, but before he can really start to laugh I see a look of terror take over his face as he stares out past me. I don’t even have a chance to turn before he’s yelling and pulling me down.
Gary gets pushed down into the vehicle and Rex cranks the engine. I don’t know what’s going on until I’m in the middle of a fucking bullet shower. I can hear the metal hitting the vehicle and I am screaming in terror. I don’t want to die.
“Don’t get up from there until I tell you it’s safe!” Rex yells out as the vehicle moves, slamming Gary back in and to the floorboard. My hands are covering my head as I hear the pings of the metal hitting metal. “Where the hell is that coming from?”
“Three klicks over! I see black above the top of that hill!” Steven yells back as he tries to maintain his hold on the gun Gary was just shooting.
“Getting us out of here! Hold on, boys!” Rex yells out over the roar of the engine as he makes a sharp turn and heads back towards the camp. He grabs the radio and starts saying things too fast for me to catch, but I think I hear something of we’re in trouble and we have Brant. I don’t know if I’m going to live to make it back home. I knew this stupid ride was a bad idea. I have to try to help someway.
“How can I help?” I ask Rex, and he just looks at my like I’m an idiot. “How. Can. I. Help?” I ask through my teeth again. I’m not playing here. I hunt and fish and have lived around guns my whole life. Maybe not one of these highly deadly assault rifles, but I can shoot.
“You can’t. You may be able to kill an animal and feel no remorse, but I won’t let you kill a human and make you live with it.” Rex says with a tone so eerie that if I wasn’t afraid for my life already, I would be. It’s so calm and not like the fierce persona he’s been throwing around.
“If it’s going to save us then let me help!”
“NO!” He roars as he turns us again, finally the sounds of the bullets stop and I move from my spot on the floorboard. “We’ve got help now anyway.” He points in the distance to two more Humvees heading right toward the group of people over the hill.
“Shit, Brant. I am so sorry, man. I didn’t have any idea they were out here. The guys told us it was all clear around camp,” Steven says as he sits down, trying to catch his breath. “Fuck!” Steven jerks, pushing his hand in front of Rex as one of the Humvee’s is overturned from the force of a blast.
“Holy shit!” Gary yells from the back. He didn’t know what the hell was going on, but I’d bet my last dollar on him shitting his pants.
“We have to get you two back to camp. Once there, I’ll go out and assess the damage here. Taylor and Vincent were in that car.” Rex screams out at Steven as he nears the camp. It’s about two miles out still, but I can see the safety from here. It’s safe and secure. Damn it those people could have died because Gary convinced me to leave the safety of the camp.
I sit in silence the remainder of the way back. I want to yell at them all for taking me out of the camp and away from the safety and the people here. I want to yell for the people in that damn Humvee for running in to save me. I don’t want their blood on my hands. And that is when I get it, the exact reason why Rex wouldn’t let me fight. He lives with the blood of others on his hands every day. He has to live knowing that someone died because of a bullet he shot out of his own gun. He has to live with the fact that one day, he will be judged for those actions, whether they were truly to protect others or not.
Once we are inside the safety of the camp, Rex turns to look at me. His eyes are haunted as he grabs my shoulder. “Had I thought any of this would have happened I wouldn’t have brought you out there.”
“I know,” I clap his hand with my other and he flinches. I look up his arm to notice the blood running down his burly arm. “You’ve been shot?”
“Flesh wound. I’ll be alright. You and Gary go on. Steven and I need to get back out there and check on the others,” he nods his head in the direction of the mess hall I just exited before the world tilted on its axis.
I just nod, squeezing his hand before exiting the vehicle with Gary. He can barely hold himself up from nerves. “Holy shit! Brant, we almost died,” he gasps as his hands and knees hit the dirt and his lunch spews from his mouth. Wish I could say that was a first too. Sadly, Gary never could hold his damn liquor.
“I had a feeling about it when we got in. Like we shouldn’t have gone.” I lean against the wall as I watch him continue to puke. He’s probably gonna be there for a while and I don’t blame him. My life passed in front of my eyes while I was out there and sadly the last eight years of it wasn’t something I’m proud of. While I’m proud of being Brant Marks and accomplishing my dreams; I am ashamed that I lost myself and became the playboy persona that is Brant Marks.
“Why didn’t you say something?” His eyes blaze into mine.
“Really? You’d have just punched me in the arm and called me a pussy for passing up the excursion with the guys.”
“True,” he stands slowly, shaking as he wipes his mouth. “Ugh! I’m gonna need a toothbrush. Stat!”
/> “You aren’t even kidding about that shit. You’re breath smells like ass.” I push him a little with my shoulder, walking back toward the mass of people. “Uh oh. Looks like Vince is Facetiming with someone.”
“Yay! We get to hear Lauren bitching about us going out and having a good time.” He gives me a quirky grin before he makes a sharp turn to the left, heading into the room full of soldiers and leaving me to deal with the wrath of the record label.
“She isn’t happy,” Vince mouths as I grab the iPad from his hands. I take in his wrinkled shirt and disheveled hair. I don’t think he’d be the one to call the label and tell them we were in a Humvee and were under attack. So, I’ll have to find out who it was.
“Hello Lauren,” I hold the iPad up. Looking at the woman on the screen I realize just how attractive she could be if she wasn’t such a pain in my ass. Or if she wasn’t so in love with Barrett. Her blonde hair is actually down and in waves and she looks like she’s gotten a bit of a tan.
“Brant, what the hell is going on? Barrett was on the phone and the next thing I hear is Brant and bullets and then the line went dead.” She pauses for just a second before pulling the iPad closer. “Are you in trouble?”
“No, I mean I was, but I’m okay. Gary convinced me to go for a ride in a Humvee and well, there were bullets but we are okay.”
“Brant! I need you alive to keep my job! Please don’t do shit like that. I mean, I know we don’t always get along, but I like you!” Her green eyes gloss over and I want to beat myself for making her worry. We do fight a lot but it’s because I know it annoys her.
“Well, I am glad you do. I’m fine and so is Gary, by the way. We will be on a flight tomorrow and will be performing in Death Valley next weekend.” I hold my hand up in an ‘I swear’ motion.
“Good. Can you get Barrett to call me back whenever you get a chance? I worry about all of you guys,” she blushes a little and I smile.
“Yes ma’am. And Lauren,” I pause. Her eyebrow raises in the way it does when she questions what I’m doing, and I want to laugh. “I’ll make sure to stop giving you such a hard time. I know you’re only doing what you do for the greater good of my career.”
“Well, thanks. I guess,” she smiles before the screen goes blank.
Starting today I am going to turn over a new leaf. Flip the page to a new chapter and rewrite the person that I have been. And I am going to start by checking up on the people that just risked their lives to save mine. They need recognition and they need to know that I appreciate all that they did.
“Get Mitchell Stephens to me,” I say as I hand Vince the iPad. I walk toward the bus they have for me, opening the door and slamming it as I pace back and forth. I glance into the mirror and look at the man standing there in front of me. The man who I used to be proud of. I take in my $400 boots, the $200 pair of jeans that my stylist Kristin said would make my ass look amazing. Which I can’t lie about that. They made my ass look good. I look at the brown eyes staring into the mirror, looking at the man I see. “When did you become someone you couldn’t even stand to look at?” I mutter.
“You can’t let yourself think like that my brother,” Mitchell says behind me. “Shit, you scared me,” I gasp as I look at him. I’d been so preoccupied with what I was thinking of myself that I wasn’t aware of my surroundings or who had entered.
“Didn’t mean to. You can’t look at yourself and ask what if I’d been this way or you’d done that instead. You’ll worry yourself to death.” He pats my back as he turns around, walks to the bar and pours a shot of whiskey. “Most of us think we can live with what we do around here, but in reality we are just surviving. We don’t live without the guilt. You think you can watch someone evil die, but they don’t believe they are evil.”
“I get it,” I say softly. Looking at him as he takes another shot. I don’t know what it’s like to kill someone, but I can only imagine.
“It’s not an easy life, but we sign up for it. We know what it takes and we get it done.”
“What happened to the Humvee?” I don’t know if I really want the answer and the look on his face is grim.
“They survived, but Lance is likely going to lose his leg.” He looks down at the floor, as if he knows that hearing this is going to gut me. Sadly it does.
“Shit,” I mutter as I throw myself down on my knees, my hands holding my face up from hitting the floor. I heave as I try to get air into my lungs. “How old is Lance?”
“Twenty.”
“Fuck!” I scream out in fury. “If it weren’t…”
“Don’t you dare,” the rage coming from Mitchell’s mouth is enough to stop me in my tracks. “This could have happened at any time. This is NOT your fault. These people would have bombed one of those Humvees regardless of you being in it or not.”
“But,” I say but his hand rises, effectively cutting me off.
“Lance will tell you the same thing. Stop trying to blame this on yourself.” His eyes turn hard as he looks at me again. “Blame it on the person who fired that bomb.”
“Can I see Lance?”
“Sure thing. How about I take you first thing in the morning? Get some sleep, let them do what they can in surgery and we will get you there before your flight out.” Mitchell walks over, kneeling down. “That is a promise.”
“Thank you,” I whisper as he pats my back before sliding his hands under my arms and pulling me up.
“I didn’t do anything. But, at least you show you care. It’s more than some people do when they come here.”
“They shouldn’t be that way.” I look at him, really look at him and see the worry and sadness on his face. “I appreciate what you do here, everything you do.”
“And, you’ve managed to change everyone’s opinion on the famous people while you were here.” He smiles, slapping my back. “Now, I have to go check on my unit. I’ll be here in the morning.”
After he leaves I sit on the floor of my hotel room, just staring into nothing that is there. I don’t know what I see or what I think about as I sit there, because honestly, everything is numb to me. I can’t think straight, everything is just a jumbled up mess to me. I don’t know if I’m coming or going at this point. I don’t even realize I’ve not moved from this spot and that my whole body has gone numb. Everything is numb, including my mind.
Chapter Five
The sound of someone knocking wakes me from my sleep. I hadn’t even realized I’d fallen asleep but every part of my body is numb. I don’t know what to think as I realize that today I’m going to face someone who lost a body part to try and save me. I sure hope he loves my music. The door slams open with a huge bang. I don’t have to look up to know that it’s Barrett and that Vince is probably right behind him, on his heels.
“Come on bud, time to get on up,” Barrett’s voice hits my ears as I stare at his cowboy boots. “Brant. Come on, it’s time to go see Lance. He’s awake.”
I jolt from my thoughts, jumping up quickly and losing my balance. “Let me go shower. I’ll be out soon.” I strip my shirt off on the way to the shower as Barrett mutters an ‘okay’, or what sounds like that from behind me. I remove my jeans and boots before jumping into the shower and turning the cold water on. Letting it slowly heat while it wakes me up from the nightmare I lived last night. I don’t know what I did to make it to where I am right now, but I know it was a wake up call.
After my shower I grab a fresh pair of jeans and a shirt out of my suitcase, and make my way to the room where the crew is sitting. Vince jumps up, handing me a coffee, which I grab and thank him for. Something I haven’t done in years.
“We need to have a team meeting.” I can see the looks on the band members faces as I say the words I never say. Things have to change or I won’t be able to continue doing what I love and what pays their bills.
“What’s up?” Barrett asks as he folds his hands together and rests his elbows on his knees. I can see the look on his face and I know exactly what that look me
ans. He had given me that exact look whenever I had started hanging out with Frank and Kyle in high school. Who’d have known that the bastard was right about them anyway?
“Nothing is up. I’m just trying to think through all of this.” I stand, not looking him in the eyes because he will see right through me. He has always been the good guy, the one you wanted to be like. Hell, even now he still was. While all of the others used their fame to get laid, he only had eyes for one person and made sure not to use other women. His mother raised him the correct way and unlike so many people out there, he actually believed in true love. I wasn’t sure what brought us to each other, but he really did try to help me be the best person I could be.
“You’re a horrible liar,” he chuckles causing his green eyes to light up.
“I’m just worried about Lance. If I’d never let Gary convince me to go out on that damn tour, the poor guy wouldn’t have lost his damn leg.”
“Hey,” he grabs my shoulder, effectively stopping me from walking away from him. “Nothing would have happened that day. But, that was bound to happen. They were waiting out there for the moment they could attack. I’m glad it wasn’t you who was hurt with bullets flying at your vehicle.”
“Yeah, that shit was scary. I think Gary shit himself,” I laugh as I recollect the sounds that Gary made in the Humvee as the metal from the bullets hit the metal of the vehicle.
“Come on. He’s outside waiting for you too. We’re all gonna go see Lance together.” Barrett claps his hand to my shoulder, using it as a way to guide me toward the door.
Each step feels like I’ve got cement drying on my feet. It’s getting harder to put one foot in front of the other and I know it has to do with the fact that I at least can still walk. The last couple of days here have really made me realize how much of a douche I have actually become. Turning the corner, I see Gary and he looks horrible. He looks as if he hasn’t slept, which I know that feeling a little to well, myself. His clothes are disheveled and his hair, which is normally perfectly styled, is sticking up in all types of directions. His eyes are glassed over as if he’s consumed about three bottles of Jack Daniels. When his eyes meet mine, I see the pain he’s feeling.