The Honor Anthology

by Emily Snow

  I knew Gabby would choose a safe neighborhood, yet I couldn’t help looking around every few seconds while outside, only turning my back during short periods when I had to. Earlier, when a car drove by and backfired, the sound had put me at attention and made me duck behind the house for cover. Simple things civilians wouldn’t see as issues, I couldn’t help seeing as the opposite.

  After realizing it was a car instead of a bomb or sniper, it took me a bit to cool my shit. I did, but I still didn’t like that feeling whatsoever.

  I hadn’t felt “safe” in years, always on guard, never sleeping with both eyes shut. Hell, this past week I’d slept better than I had in four years.

  Not having Gabby with me, I felt more on edge.

  When Gabby pulled into the driveway, I felt relieved, almost like I could breathe again. She was here, and I could protect her.

  “How was your day?” she asked with a huge smile on her face as she wrapped her arms around me tight, giving me a kiss. It wasn’t enough, so I dove deeper. Damn, I loved kissing her. All the uncertainty I felt earlier washed away, and physically, I could feel myself relax.

  I pulled away slowly, giving her another nip before answering, “Worked outside.”

  She smiled wider. “I saw that. Thanks. It’s nice having someone to help out.”

  I knew in my gut she was teasing, but it hit me hard. I hadn’t been here for her for so damn long. She’d had to do everything on her own. I wanted to take all the burdens from her that she’d felt and make everything right.

  “I’ll do more of it.”

  “Hey.” She knit her brows as she focused on my eyes. “You have nothing to worry about. You were doing your job, just like I was here. Now we do it together.”

  I said nothing because what could I say? Instead, I kissed her, needing that comfort. She reciprocated, and I reveled in it.

  “Let me change, and then I’ll make some supper,” she said, pulling away.

  My cock had other ideas. After being buried inside of Gabby for a week, he was needing some attention.

  “Nope.”

  She gasped as I turned her around, pressing her stomach to the back of the couch.

  “Need to fuck you.”

  “I …” she started, but I didn’t let her finish.

  I pulled her scrubs down to her knees along with her underwear, undid my jeans, and found her heat. I groaned as she did. She couldn’t spread her legs very far, which only added to the tightness around my dick.

  Hard and fast, I took her with abandon. The couch moved with each thrust as I dug my fingertips into her hips over and over and over.

  She screamed out her release, and I followed suit, only groaning, instead.

  After coming down, I pulled out and pulled up her clothes, adjusting them, and then did mine. She rose, and I kissed her shoulder.

  “I needed that, baby.”

  She turned in my arms. “Me, too. Missed you today.”

  “You, too.” I kissed her again. “Now feed me.”

  She laughed, one of the most beautiful sounds I’d heard. I should tape that shit. Then I remembered I didn’t have to go back, so I could hear it whenever I wanted. Nice.

  Gabby cooked homemade chicken and noodles. Damn, this past week, she’d spoiled the shit out of me, cooking all my favorites, saying “It sucked just cooking for one.” She’d always had a knack for cooking and was damn good at it.

  The doorbell rang, and I bolted from the seat, the chair falling to the ground in a clatter. My heart raced as I turned toward the door. Everything inside me went on full alert. The sounds of the house came front and center: the sink faucet dripping, the air conditioning kicking on, the small taps outside the door like whomever was there was impatient.

  Gabby rose, and my head swung to her. “Stay.”

  Her eyes widened at my cold tone, but I didn’t have time to deal with it. I needed to figure out whom the threat was and not let them hurt my woman.

  I moved swiftly to the door, looking through the peephole. My mother stood on the other side.

  My alertness mixed with anger. I’d been home a fucking week with no phone call, nothing, and now she finally got off the dick she’d been on and came to see her son she hadn’t seen in years. Not to mention, she showed up unexpectedly. Fuck this.

  I swung the door open.

  “What the fuck are you doing here?” I barked, and my mother’s eyes widened.

  Chapter Six

  Gabriella

  My heart stopped at the abrupt tone in Xander’s words. Sure, his mother hadn’t been around much since I’d known him, but he’d never had this anger toward her. He’d let whatever was going on inside of him roll off his back when dealing with her. This man, though, wasn’t going to let anything roll.

  Cheryl tensed, her eyes shooting toward me, asking “What the hell?”

  I had no answer for her, so I shrugged.

  “Xander, I came to see you.” Her voice came out shaky.

  “I’ve been home for a fucking week, Mother. Now you come by, unannounced, and what? You want me to put on a happy face because you took the time to pry yourself off whatever poor schmuck you’re in bed with to come to see your kid? No.” Xander placed his arm on the doorframe, blocking the path inside.

  I moved, coming up behind him.

  “I told you to stay over there,” he barked, this time directed at me.

  My stomach fell to my knees. Why on earth was he talking to me like that? What had I done?

  I took a step back, unable to formulate words.

  Xander didn’t care for the silence and turned back toward his mother.

  “Last time I’ll ask, why the fuck are you here?”

  “I …” Cheryl started then stopped and pulled in a breath. “I wanted to see how you were, make sure you were okay.”

  “I’m alive; that’s all you need to know.”

  Cheryl crossed her arms over her body. “Xander, what’s gotten into you?”

  I wanted to yell at her to shut up. Didn’t she see that her boy was close to snapping? That, for some reason, she was triggering something inside of him just from being here? Couldn’t she see this was a really, really bad idea?

  “Into me?” he growled back, and the hair on the back of my neck rose from the determination and intent in his voice. “How many times did you write me while I was gone?” He didn’t wait for her to answer, just continued, “Call? Answer the fucking phone when I called?” He shook his head.

  “I—”

  “No, I took the fucking time to call you from halfway around the damn world, and you didn’t have the time to answer. I wrote you fucking letters that never got responded to.”

  I didn’t know any of this, but as he laid it all out, my stomach churned for my man.

  “Fuck, emails, Mother! Not one damn response. So, no! I don’t give a fuck that you’re here. I don’t give a fuck that you want to see me. I don’t give a fuck that you took time out of your life to drag your sorry ass here. I don’t give a flying fuck anymore.”

  The last part was so loud I was sure the neighbors heard, but I felt powerless to stop it. Instead, I stood there, watching the train wreck.

  “You do not talk to me like that, Xander Collins. I’m your mother!” Cheryl screamed in outrage, not wanting to be outdone by her son.

  “My mother? A mother gives a shit about her kids. You don’t. Leave,” he growled menacingly.

  “You don’t want to see me?” She looked almost hurt, but her words were more of shock.

  “No. You don’t need to come back, either.” Xander didn’t wait for his mother to respond before he slammed the door closed and prowled down the hall, waves of anger penetrating the air as he moved.

  When the door down the hallway slammed shut, shaking the pictures on the wall, I jumped.

  I felt the tears well up, but I pushed them down. I wouldn’t cry. He was home, something I’d wanted for so damn long. Him angry, I could handle. I would handle it.

 
Coming unstuck from my spot, I moved to the kitchen and began cleaning. My mind raced, but keeping my hands busy helped.

  ***

  I heard him before I saw him. I sat on the couch, watching some mindless reality show, not catching a damn word anyone said. He’d been in the bathroom for a long time. The shower water had clicked on, and I’d heard nothing from him. Even when it clicked off, he hadn’t come out. Something inside me told me to let it be. Whatever happened to be going on in his head, he needed to work out. I couldn’t be there to fix it, even if I so desperately wanted to.

  Instead, I sat on the couch, waiting. Wondering. Worrying. Thinking. Hoping.

  He sat next to me, and I dug deep inside of me, kind of afraid of what I’d see next to me. When I turned to him, he was staring at the television. He must have felt my movements because he turned to me.

  His eyes held a sadness I wasn’t accustomed to seeing in him. It physically pained me to see him hurt, like a punch to the gut. He’d already endured so much in this life; he didn’t need more. I also couldn’t say it didn’t scare me. The anger—hell, full outrage he felt toward his mother and how he’d let it rip.

  He reached for my hand and kissed the top of it. “Sorry, babe.” He shook his head like he was trying to clear something from his brain. “I can’t be around her. She pisses me off to a point that I blow.”

  I bit my lip. I wanted to say, “You weren’t like that before,” but refrained. Instead, I just listened.

  “She hasn’t been there for Stiff and me since we were born. Now she doesn’t exist to me.”

  I shivered, unable to hide it.

  He squeezed my hand. “I bet you anything she needed money or a place to stay. There’s no way she came here out of the goodness of her heart. She doesn’t have that.”

  I couldn’t disagree with the statement. I’d seen it first hand when we’d started dating in high school and then every other time I’d seen her after that. She never had the interests of her kids before hers.

  “But I’m not sure why I blew up the way I did.” He pulled away from me and laid his head on the back of the couch, moving his hand to the top of his head. “I just don’t know why,” he said again.

  I had no answers for him but said, “We’ll figure it out.”

  He turned back to me. “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I do know where that came from.” He sat up then pulled me into his body so I sat on his lap, my head resting on his shoulder. “I had a whole team I was in charge of. I was their life or death. I protected them with everything I had.”

  I suddenly felt queasy because I knew he’d taken bullets for those men, almost leaving me.

  “Now I’m not in that world anymore, and it’s going to take me some time to get my head around that.”

  “Do you think you need to talk to someone?” I suggested hesitantly.

  He blew out deeply, his chest collapsing. “Nah, I’ll be fine.”

  ***

  My body was thrown off the bed, my eyes shooting to alert. Xander’s heavy body was on top of mine, his breathing coming hard and fast as he reached around the floor, trying to find something.

  My back ached from the fall. It felt like a shoe was digging into my back.

  “Xander,” I said, tapping his arm. “Get up.”

  He said nothing, just continued to look for whatever he was grasping for.

  “Xander!” I yelled more loudly.

  He again said nothing. Whatever was in my back dug in farther with each of his frantic movements.

  “Xander!” This time, I screamed as fear hit me that he wasn’t going to get off me.

  I began hitting him in earnest, trying to get his attention.

  His head snapped to mine, and a cold shiver went down my spine. His eyes were open, but they were void, vacant, empty. The life that was Xander ceased to exist.

  Fear like no other spiraled as I tried to get up again.

  I squirmed hard, trying to get loose, as he trapped my wrists above my head. I lied. This was when the fear really hit.

  I started screaming, “Xander! Stop it! Let me go now!” I said the words over and over as I tried to get away. He was strong, though, keeping me pinned to the floor.

  I bucked my hips then pulled my arm hard, getting it free. I slapped Xander hard across the face, needing him to snap out of whatever this was. His face didn’t move from the hit, and the empty eyes staring at me grew intense. How could empty eyes grow intense?

  “Xander! It’s me, Gabby! Get off!”

  Somehow, at my name, he blinked. It was like a light dawned in him, and he released me quickly, getting off me and moving to the other side of the room. He fell onto the floor, his back to the wall and a shocked, stunned look on his face.

  I sat up and rubbed my wrists, not quite sure of what had just happened, afraid of saying anything.

  Pulling myself together, I moved to the bed and sat on the edge. Xander remained where he was, his head in his hands.

  What was I supposed to say or do? I had no clue. I didn’t know what any of this meant. For two weeks, we’d had some seriously weird crap happening, and it needed to stop. That first week he was home had gone fine. This last one had been a rollercoaster ride, some up and some down. The down scared the hell out of me when Xander would lose his temper in a flash or when his mood would abruptly change. This happened regularly and seemed to be getting more frequent instead of less.

  I took him to the grocery store, and his attentiveness to the surroundings took me aback. He eyed every single person like they were going to hurt either him or me at any moment. His body was wound so tight I feared he may have a heart attack or something. After that first time, I vowed to make the trips myself.

  My coworkers got me a bouquet of balloons with a ‘welcome home’ banner on them for Xander. I was excited to come home with them. He seemed fine with them … until one of them popped. His reaction scared the shit out of me, his eyes turning so damn cold. The balloons made a hasty exit.

  The almost car accident was the worst.

  I shook my head, clearing out those thoughts.

  “Xander,” I said softly, and he lifted his head to look at me, shame pouring out of his eyes. “I’m fine,” I reassured him, but he shook his head. I sucked in deep and moved to the floor in front of him, crossing my legs. “Baby, this isn’t getting better. I think you need to talk to someone.”

  “Who? So some shrink can tell me how fucked up my head is?”

  I winced at his tone but kept going. “Maybe. I don’t have the answers, but I’ve been looking into—”

  He jackknifed off the floor and began pacing. “You’ve been looking into what, Gabby?” he said in an accusing tone.

  I rose and sat back on the bed, watching his movements as he moved back and forth. He walked like a caged animal, ready to pounce at any time. I knew I needed to tread carefully. Even with my training as a nurse, it was difficult.

  “At the VA, they have people there you can talk to who are going through the same things you are. Who can help,” I tried.

  “Yeah, right. This shit…” He reached behind his head and rubbed his neck as his movements continued. “It’s in my head, Gabby. I don’t know what it is, but I can’t stop it.”

  “I know,” I whispered. “But Xander, it’s starting to scare me.”

  He stopped his movements, his eyes coming to mine, the pain seeping back. I needed to get this out, so I powered on.

  “First, your mother then checking around the house in the middle of the night to make sure it was safe and the constant phone calls to make sure that I’m okay while I’m at work. Add in the almost car wreck we were in.”

  “That wasn’t my fault. That dick was trying to run us off the road.”

  “No, Xander. He had his signal light on and was moving in front of us on the highway. It wasn’t anything malicious. It’s how people lane change, baby, and you took it all wrong, almost getting us both hurt.” It was scary to nearly miss the cement wall partition because
Xander got so pissed when the guy got in front of us.

  “I …” He looked at the ground. “I don’t know. It seemed like he was going to ram into us.”

  “He wasn’t, Xander. He was close to us, yes. I’ll give you that, but he was just changing lanes.”

  “You hate me, don’t you?” he asked softly.

  “No.” I rushed to him. “I love you. I just don’t know how to help you or what you need.”

  “You, baby. All I need is you.” He pulled me into his arms, and I wrapped mine around him.

  “We need to figure out what’s going on, Xander,” I told him, but something told me I would need reinforcements.

  ***

  Xander kissed me hard. “Love you,” he told me, a smile playing on his lips.

  This was the Xander I loved. Truth be told, I loved every part of him, even the ones that scared me.

  “Love you, too. Are you going to apply today?” I asked with hopefulness.

  He’d been going back and forth about what he wanted to do, but he still hadn’t decided. First, he wanted to get a job as a laborer. Then, he wanted to go back to school. Then, he wanted to find something working on equipment. He didn’t really know what he wanted, but him cooped up in this house wasn’t working for him.

  He shrugged. “We’ll see what the day brings.”

  I said nothing, even though I wanted to ask him, “How many times does the lawn need to be mowed?” or “Do you really need to weed around the flower beds again?” There was no use in this, and I didn’t want to fight with him.

  “Have a good day.” I smiled, leaving my man standing at the door.

  I jumped in my car, turned the ignition, and bolted out of the driveway. With our home in the distance, I grabbed my cell.

  “Yeah?” he answered on the second ring.

  “It’s Gabby. Stiff, we need to talk.”

  Chapter Seven

  Xander

  The roar of a motorcycle’s pipes could be heard in the distance, and I turned toward them. Stiff swung into my driveway, parking his bike and getting off. I rose from the dirt, brushing my hands off on my jeans.