by Emily Snow
"Ava." The sound of his voice sliced through her thoughts, and she lifted her chin to see him standing in the doorway of his shop. “What are you doing out here?”
Damn. He had probably noticed how pitiful she looked and had decided to come outside to ask her to stop scaring away his potential customers. "Hey,” she finally managed to say in spite of her sudden case of dry mouth. “How’s it going?”
His dark brows knitted together over his blue eyes. "Is everything okay?”
"I’m fi—" she started to say, but something stopped her from feeding him the robotic response hanging on the tip of her tongue. Wasn’t she there, standing in front of his shop, because she wasn’t fine? "Actually, I’m not. I’m not fine, and I don’t think I’m okay either. To be completely honest, I don't even know what the hell okay or fine even looks like anymore.” She lifted her shoulders helplessly and released a tremulous laugh. “Although, I’m probably alone in that since you seem like you’re doing just great.”
Knox blinked. “Okay….”
"No, Knox, it’s not okay. Did you hear a word I just said? We are not doing okay or fine or any semblance of good.” The volume of her voice climbed a little with each word, and she clenched her fists by her sides and took a deep breath before she quietly continued, “I can’t keep doing this with you.”
“Standing in front of my window?”
She could tell he was trying to break the tension with a rare, Knox Matthews joke, but today it wasn’t going to work. It wasn’t going to make her smile. She moved her head from side to side. “No, the other thing. You know, the one where we end up naked and tangled up in your sheets or against my front door?”
His lips pressed into a thin line. "Alright, come on in.” He held the door opened for her, and she stumbled into his shop, running her hands over her face as he changed the sign to CLOSED. When he turned to look at her, a deep frown etched the features she’d fallen in love with so many years before. “We really need to talk, Ava.”
"Damn right we need to talk.” She shoved her hands into the back pockets of her jeans and paced his store, from a shelf of various patches to a tall rack of berets. “We’ve needed to talk since you got home, but I was too damn chicken and I had no idea what the hell was running through your head. All I know is we can’t keep this up,” she said brokenly. “I meant what I said a couple minutes ago when I said I can’t keep doing this with you.”
"Well, I guess there isn't really much to say. Is there?" Knox demanded in a rough voice, and she swung around to look at him, feeling like he’d just slapped her in the face.
"That’s it?" She narrowed her gray eyes at him and took a step closer when he nodded. “You really don’t think there’s so much more for both of us to say?”
“What is it you want me to do, Ava?”
She raked her hands through her blond hair. “I want you to tell me if I’m wasting my time caring so much about you. Is that so hard to see?” She moved a little closer to him, her heart pounding viciously within her chest. “Do you know how much it’s been killing me to be with you, knowing that we can’t be together because you don’t want to open yourself up and trust me? Do you know how many sleepless nights I’ve had because of this? You telling me there’s nothing else to say sounds like a bunch of bullshit and it pisses me off.”
“Goddammit, Ava. When you put it like that, it’s obvious that you’re better off without me.”
Standing inches away from him, she released a heavy breath that burned her nose and lungs. “Bullshit once again. If I knew it would hurt you instead of myself, I’d probably slug you right in your pretty face, Knox Matthews.”
The corners of his mouth turned up into a sad smile. “I probably deserve it, but you’re right. You’d definitely hurt your hand more than my face.”
Swallowing hard, she wrung her small hands together. “I know you were hurt in the past, but why does that have to affect what we are and what we could be? I’m not her. Don’t you see that while there are so many women like Nadia in the world, there are so many more like myself? Women who are idiots for loving men for the entirety of their adult lives? Women who would wait for their men through anything if he’d just say the word? If you had given me the chance to love you like I needed to and like you deserve, don’t you realize how happy we’d be?”
He stared at her unblinking when he asked, “What do you mean your entire adult life?”
“Knox, I’ve been crazy about you since I was fifteen and you slept off your post-prom hangover in our basement because your dad accidentally locked you out of the house before he left for the field.” The memory was still vivid in her mind—how she’d sat across from him on the old floral sofa that her parents had bought when they first got married. They’d talked about everything that night and when the morning came and he left because their housekeeper had a spare key, all she could think about was Knox.
Thirteen years later and she was still thinking about him.
He ran his tongue over his lips and tilted his head to the side. “You remember that night?”
“Yes, Knox, I remember everything when it comes to you. Why the hell do you think I stayed away from you after you married Nadia?”
“Why?”
“Because it was wrong of me to care so much about you. It was wrong to remember spending so much time with a person who saw me as a friend.”
He reached out and touched her face. “Why didn’t you tell me this when we were together before?”
“Because I was on top of the world.”
“Until I knocked you off the world,” he said softly, and she nodded slowly.
“Yeah, that.”
Looking into Ava’s eyes, he felt like he had been slammed in the stomach. God, he was a world class prick. The things she had just said, and the broken look on her beautiful face, made him feel like he was two inches tall. He loved her—damn, he loved her—but he had messed up everything by being unable to express his emotions. "I am sorry," Knox said. It wasn't much, but he knew it was a start. "I really am sorry, Ava.”
“I understand,” she whispered as a deep feeling of loss clawed its way through the pit of her belly. She had just told him she loved him—had loved him since she was a teenager—and his only response was that he was sorry. She lowered herself to sit on a narrow bench in front of a shelf of tactical boots. When her breath hitched, she buried her face in her hands. “Don’t look at me, okay?”
“I can’t help looking at you, beautiful.” Knox sat down next to her, moving so close their thighs touched. He hated himself. The woman silently crying next to him was his best friend, the angel who’d helped him through one of the toughest moments of his life when he came home to a pregnant, cheating wife and an empty bank account. He loved Ava. He loved her so fucking much it hurt, and in his heart, he knew that if he didn’t tell her that now, this might be the last time he sat next to her like this. This would be the tough moment that kicked her out of his life for good. He didn't want that. In fact, it was the last thing in the world he had ever wanted, especially after staying away from her for months.
As if guessing his thoughts, she said, “You can’t keep hurting me for something she did.”
“I know that.”
He knew it wasn't Ava’s fault that Nadia had screwed him over. Hell, Ava Lowry deserved the world, and he’d given her nothing but shit, nothing but heartache and excuses and for what? To protect himself.
I need to fix this. I need to be the man she needs, but how the hell do I do that when I’ve already messed up so much?
Ava’s softly spoken words dragged him from his thoughts, and his heart pounded violently against his ribcage when he heard the harsh defeat in her voice. “Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come at you like that. I was just … I guess you can say I was just over it. I thought that maybe things would be different, but I should’ve known better.” He opened his mouth to speak, but she shook her head and pressed her finger to his lips. “That’s not a jab at you,
Knox, but an observation about myself. I should have done a better job staying away, like I did before. I just—”
When she started to get up, he touched her shoulder, drawing a broken sigh from the back of her throat. “Please, Knox….”
“Please, don't go," he said. "You have every right to be angry, but don’t go. I left you because I was afraid of coming home and finding that you had moved on with someone else. I know it sounds stupid to you, but you don’t know what those kinds of thoughts do to someone when they’re over there. I saw some of the best soldiers I knew distracted because all they could think about was what was happening back home. I didn’t want that to be me. I couldn’t.”
“I understand and believe me, I didn’t want you to be distracted. But I’m not her, Knox. I never was. Even before you left you kept me at a distance. Like you were afraid of what might happen.” This time, she stood, holding her hand over her heart as she looked down at him. “I don't want to go either, but I know I can’t stay and be in love with someone who’s too afraid to love me back. What kind of relationship would that be?”
“Don’t go.”
“Bye, Knox.”
"Don’t go, Ava,” he said once more, his voice rough and low. She shook her head and took a step, then another, in the opposite direction.
“If that’s all you can say, then you were right before. We truly have nothing left to say.”
Chapter Six
Knox was on his feet before she had time to react, pulling her into his arms and crushing her chest to his. “I don’t want you to leave here without at least giving it a shot,” he murmured, his mouth less than an inch from hers. “I don’t want to lose you.”
"Okay," she whispered, a determined look in her gray eyes when she tilted her head back to meet his gaze. "Then give it a shot. I'm here, I want to hear what you have to say.” And I don’t want to lose you either, but please, please just tell me I’m not holding on to nothing.
“I’m sorry, Ava. I’m shit when it comes to things like this—you already know that—but I want you to know that I am sorry for the mess I’ve made. It wasn’t right of me to compare you to Nadia, and I’m a fool for that.”
"Do you love me?” she demanded.
“I want to be with you. I want you in my life more than anything.”
“But do you see a future for us, Knox? Do you love me?” When he released her and dragged his hands over his face, she dropped her gaze to the floor, squeezing her eyes closed. “And there we have it. I really do need to get home; I have work tomorrow.”
But the truth was, she could feel herself beginning to slowly breakdown being so close to him. She knew that if she stood in front of him a moment more, the dam would burst and the tears would start. And they wouldn’t be the kind of tears she could simply wipe away with a Kleenex. She was a breath away from the crying that would leave her unable to feel or breathe or think. So she knew it was best she left now so he wouldn’t have to see her like that, so he wouldn’t have to feel sorry for her. She didn’t want his sympathy.
She simply wanted him.
*
Knox watched her go, feeling like his world had just been ripped away from him. “Fuck.” He released the breath he was holding and dragged his hands through his hair. “What the fuck is wrong with me?” She’d stood right in front of him, waiting for him to tell her what she needed to hear and what he wanted to tell her, but he’d froze.
He should have held on to her. Should have told her he needed to drown in her and spend the rest of his life looking into her eyes. Instead, he had done nothing.
“I love you, Aves,” he said softly.
But she was gone now.
He sank down on the bench they’d just sat at and hung his head.
Chapter Seven
Rolling over, Ava stared through blurry eyes at the clock on her nightstand. Two-nineteen. The last time she checked, the clock had read 1:28, and she was no closer to sleep now than she’d been forty-five minutes ago. She had left Knox hours ago, but the memory of him was still a heavy weight on her mind. She was desperate to sleep and dream about anything other than the gorgeous man with the blue eyes. She wanted to forget him, at least long enough to rest. But how could she forget him when her throat ached and her eyes still burned from the tears that hadn’t stopped until well after she had hung up from talking with her sister and climbed into bed?
“Go away, Knox,” she whispered aloud as she dragged her blankets over her face. Her head throbbed when she squeezed her eyes together, the sound seeming to pound in her ears. “God, just go away and let me rest.”
But when the heavy pounding continued, her brow furrowed. Because she quickly realized that it wasn’t her headache that was causing the knocking sound in her ears but her front door. Throwing the blankets off of her, she got out of bed slowly and crept over to the window. Her heart flew into her throat when she saw his truck parked in her driveway.
“Oh god, why?” she heard herself numbly ask. Her chest ached as she walked downstairs, and she took a deep breath before she flung the door open.
“I’ve been knocking for the last few minutes,” he said.
“Why are you here?” She didn’t meet his gaze and instead focused on a blinking street lamp across the street. “It’s almost three am, Knox.”
"I couldn't let things end like they did. I know it’s late and I’m the last person you want banging on your door at three in the morning, but I couldn’t just let you walk away.” When she felt his finger under her chin, she shivered as he brought her gaze to his. “You’ve been crying.”
“Allergies are a bitch, Matthews,” she lied.
“I feel like a fucker for making you cry.”
“Don’t, I brought it on myself.” She sagged against the doorframe and shook her head. She didn’t move to take his hand from her face, and he didn’t either. “But I’ve already told you I can’t keep doing this.”
He closed the space between their bodies, the toes of his tennis shoes brushing her bare feet. "What if I refuse to stop fighting for you? Because I’ve sure as hell fought for things that didn’t matter nearly as much as you do.”
She allowed a small smile to form on her lips. "You don’t have to fight for me, Knox. You don’t always have to fight, especially for someone who’s so willing to be yours. All I wanted was to know was that I wasn’t jumping into something by myself.”
“You’re not.” He moved his hand to her cheek, skimming the pad of his thumb over her smooth skin, his touch earning a sigh from her. “I don’t want us to be over. You're it for me, Ava. I have issues but that doesn’t change how I feel about you. It doesn’t change that you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
“Do you think I want for us to be over?”
“You seemed pretty determined earlier.” He walked them backwards, shutting the door behind them with his foot. Standing in the center of her living room, he held her face between his hands like it was a delicate piece of china. “I can’t lose you, Ava. Not when I’ve just gotten you back.”
She released a frustrated noise from the back of her throat. "See, that’s the problem, " she said. "You keep saying you don’t want to lose me and that you can’t. But what about— ”
"Just hear me out, Ava. I will do whatever it takes to keep you in my life. I will take whatever it is you are willing to give me if that means I don’t have to lose you.” His mouth dropped to her hair, and she held her breath when she felt his lips against her scalp. “Dammit, I don't know how else to show you how much I love you, but I do."
She jerked away from him, her eyes wide. “What?” she whispered.
“I love you.”
“I’m sorry, can you say that one more time?”
A grin split his features as he bent his head so that their noses touched. “Fuck, Ava, I love you. I. Love. You. I love your corny jokes and your bad dancing to old Backstreet Town—”
“Backstreet Boys,” she corrected him breathlessly.
> “Yeah, your bad dancing to old Backstreet Boys songs. I love waking up beside you—when you’re not sneaking out of my house while I’m still asleep. I even love that you drink boxed wine in coffee mugs and call yourself fancy.”
“You do?” Ava was unable to keep the smile from her face. Dear god, Knox Matthews had just told her he loved her. When he nodded, she brought his face to hers and crushed their lips together. “I love you too. So much. So damn much.”
He buried his fingers in her hair, shaking his forehead against hers. "I don’t know what we do next, but I know I don’t want to spend another moment without you.” He backed her toward her couch slowly, one of his hands sliding down to rest on the small of her back. “I want to be with you, Ava, and I’ll work every day to show you how much you mean to me.”
“Good. And I’ll work too,” she whispered. She pulled him to her by the neck of his T-shirt. “We’ll get through this together. We’ll figure things out together.”
“I know we will. And I’m so sorry that it’s taken me so long to tell you this.”
She bobbed her head as they fell onto the couch together. “Just so you know, I’ve never been happier about being dragged out of bed at three in the morning.”
“Really?” he asked against her lips.
“Really,” she said just before their mouths finally collided.
Chapter Eight
They didn’t make love on her couch or against her front door. Instead, he carried her upstairs to her bedroom, not lowering her to her feet until they stood beside her bed. He touched her face in the moonlight, and she released a sigh into his palm. “I love you,” he said, because he didn’t want her to forget it. He didn’t want her to ever spend another moment doubting how he felt about her.