FATED

by Roberts, A. S

  We had spoken only once, properly. Nathan had reported to him about the meeting I’d had with my mother and straight away my mobile had rung. He had told me how much he loved me and how proud of me he was, the tension was still very evident in his voice, but he had assured me that the situation at home was now under control. He made a promise to be properly back, sometime this week. I needed him; I almost craved the sight of him. I knew this was palpable to those around me. In our last texting session last night, I was laid out on my bed touching the pillow where his head had been. I had told him how I took photographs of my best memories and kept them in my head. Under his scrutinising but sweet questioning, I had admitted to him that most of my happy photographs contained him. Today I had received an enormous bouquet of flowers. The card had read

  Miss you baby

  It killed me waking up next to you on Monday.

  Although we are apart at the moment, it won’t be forever.

  Remember I will always find my way back to you!

  I Love you Frankie

  Alex

  Photograph- Ed Sheeran

  Every song we had messaged each other, I had on a repeatable play list. If anyone had been with me today, I knew I would have driven them up the wall. I had played it and played it and sung every word at the top of my voice, for quite a few hours whilst doing chores.

  The front door to our apartment knocked suddenly and I flew over to answer it. The wonderfully animated face of Nathan stood waiting for his entrance.

  ‘So?’ I asked, ‘How did it go?’ He moved past me and into the apartment.

  ‘Yeah really fucking fantastic, thanks.’ He had attended a meeting with his bike team managers and sponsors today. I knew it had been playing on his mind. You’re only a hotshot when you’re actually winning and of course he hadn’t even been racing for quite some time. I knew in the few conversations we’d had together on the subject that it worried him. Younger guys with no history of injury were queuing up to get their lucky break. But he had always hoped that his track record and experience would see him through.

  ‘Well, Brock told them I was coming back into training in January and they’re happy to continue my sponsorship.’

  ‘Nathan, I’m so pleased for you. I know it has been in the back of your mind that they might not want you back,’ I closed the few steps between us now and hugged him. He squeezed me back.

  ‘They have asked me to talk to you as well... they are so fucking happy with my progress and the strength in my leg, that they wanted to know if the team could offer you a permanent physio position.’

  ‘Really?’ I was stunned. I knew that this job was coming to an end and that I was going to have to find a new one soon, but I had constantly been pushing that thought to the back of my mind.

  We automatically went through to the kitchen and I filled up and turned on the kettle. He leant his jean covered backside on to the worktop edge.

  ‘What do you think?... it would mean you would get to keep putting your hands all over this sexy body of mine.’ His face broke out into full on bad boy, dimples and all.

  ‘So I would have to travel with you, wouldn’t I?’ I looked at him questioningly, stirring the tea for far longer than necessary.

  He nodded and took the cup of tea I was now offering to him. Taking my own I went back out to the living area. Falling onto the settee I brought my legs up underneath me and blew on the top of my tea to cool it down and to just give myself a moment.

  ‘You do realise that you haven’t damn well answered me yet, don’t you?’ He plonked his large and normally graceful frame down next to me. He started to drink the far too hot liquid.

  ‘I know this job is coming to an end, Nate... and that I will need to move on to something else soon... but I’m reluctant to make a decision at the moment.’

  What I really wanted to say was ‘Alex has said he’s going to ask me to marry him soon, and I am waiting for that.’ But how lame would that sound?

  ‘I know what you’re thinking, you and Alex have just found each other and you’re reluctant to leave... right?’

  I laughed at him. ‘Yeah, you’re right,’ I smiled and shook my head. ‘I miss him, so much. Do you know if he has sorted out the business deal he and Ruby were discussing, yet?’

  ‘Truthfully, chocolate drop, I haven’t spoken to him... with everything that I’ve had going on this week. I did speak to Scott last night though and he is sounding really good, that is definitely a step in the right fucking direction... in fact he was sounding the best I’ve heard in ages. With him on the up that should hopefully release Alex a bit more. I will try and hold them off for a while on the job offer, at least to try and give you the time to speak to Alex.’

  I was just going to start trying to ask a few more carefully worded questions when Bella burst through the door. I could hardly see her underneath all the bags she was carrying.

  ‘A little help please, Frankie... Woman in severe shopping distress here,’ her voice carried loudly into the apartment. She obviously couldn’t have seen either of us sitting here.

  Both Nathan and I jumped up to her and began relieving her of the ridiculous amount of bags. Slowly she began to immerge from behind the paper and plastic. Her eyes looked extremely panicked when she found I was not alone in helping her. The alarm bells were ringing in my head. In my extensive experience Bella only spent money like water when she was really, really stressed. She would just spend money on anything whether she liked it or not, she would spend money on things just because they were the colour she was looking at that day. All of these things put together, made me very concerned.

  ‘There ya go, darlin,’ Nate added as he placed the last of the bags on the floor. He took her into his arms now and ran light kisses over her collar bone.

  ‘Thank you... I need to go and freshen up now.’ With that comment she quickly and very effectively manoeuvred out of his arms and away to her room. In her wake she left Nathan and I looking at each other for answers, but unfortunately we were coming up with a big fat zero. I watched him as he pulled his face back together banishing the hurt expression and he tried to offer me a grin. It would have worked on anyone who didn’t know him well, but I wasn’t fooled.

  ‘Nate... leave it with me...I’ll go and check on her. I’m sure she is probably stressed about work,’ I offered a reassuring smile to him. I wasn’t wholly convinced myself. But I hated to see the hurt and rejection in his eyes. I wanted to do anything I could, to help take it away.

  ‘She’s been like this since our clash with your mo... Karen. She took offence to me declaring that I loved her and I’ve been getting the fucking cold shoulder ever since... FUCK!’ He slammed his hand against the door. I could only stand and silently offer my solidarity. Unfortunately I had seen it before.

  ‘Tell her she knows where I am, if and when she wants to talk it through. But I won’t wait forever.’

  ‘Don’t you think you should be saying that to her, not me?’

  ‘Chocolate drop, if I thought it would make a difference I would, but honestly she’s fucking shut down on me...for what reason? I haven’t got a clue, and before you ask I have tried to get her to talk to me... OK?’ I had to nod at him but I wasn’t really OK. I knew what I would find when I got to her bedroom and the thought filled me with sadness.

  I entered her room without knocking. I knew she wouldn’t have answered me anyway. Bella was curled into a tight almost foetal like ball in the middle of her purple bed. I couldn’t see her face as her blonde hair had fallen all over it. She reminded me of a colour wheel, the two most opposite colours colliding there on the bed, yellow and purple. It was a stark reminder that in life, the two most opposing emotions can come barrelling through at any moment in time, and cause utter destruction.

  The sobs that wracked through her body, over and over again, mad
e my heart ache. I could identify with her and knew that nothing I had to say at this precise moment, would offer her any sense of comfort or reassurance. I curled myself up exactly behind her and pulled her to me as tight as I could manage and there we lay. For what seemed like hours, in the same position. She muttered the same few incoherent phrases over and over again; her sobs died down and then escalated again. Tears ran silently down my face. I felt so utterly bloody useless, all I could do was to try and absorb her pain. Finally, as the afternoon light receded into dusk, she fell asleep in my arms. I peeled myself away from her. Now I needed to go and see Nathan.

  The door to his apartment was open and I made my way inside. The open living area had no light on at all, but I could just make out his silhouette in the armchair in front of one of the huge panes of glass. His forearms were resting on his knees as he leant forward. I could see that he had been working out, as although he still had on his jeans his torso was bare and had a slight gleam of sweat on it. The lights of the city made it glisten.

  ‘Frankie?’ He questioned.

  ‘Yeah, it’s me.’ I moved over to him. I couldn’t properly see his face from here. His body language was coming across as extremely hurt, almost to the point of being distressed. I needed to see his face, in order to gauge him properly. Moving promptly, I sat down on the floor in between his bare feet. Nathan unclasped his own hands, which up to now had been wringing themselves and grabbed my own.

  ‘How is she?’ His voice was so small, almost as though he didn’t want me to hear the question and then he wouldn’t have to hear the answer.

  ‘I haven’t seen her like this in a long time, Nathan... for almost ten years she has kept a lid on her emotions and now for some reason they have resurfaced,’ I was shaking my head at the reality of it all.

  ‘It’s my fault... isn’t it?’ He eyes met mine now in question.

  ‘The fault isn’t yours, Nate... You couldn’t help falling in love with her, could you?’ I squeezed his hands tighter trying to offer a modicum of comfort.

  ‘I knew she wasn’t damn well ready to be told though.’ His hands left mine suddenly and started running through his hair, over and over again. ‘I could just sense it, I could fucking recognise it, but still I had to go and say it.’

  Nathan stood abruptly now and started pacing up and down in front of the windows.

  ‘What happened to her, Frankie? What makes her want to run away?’ He stopped and stared directly at me.

  I froze for a moment.

  How could I decide between my friends as to who I helped? Of course it had to be Bella that I stuck by, even if it hurt to do so.

  ‘Nathan, I can’t answer that... It is definitely not my story to tell. You don’t know how much I wish it was. She needs to tell you and only her.’ I watched as his head dropped forward onto his chest, just hanging there. He placed his hands into his front jean pockets, so deep down his arms were almost straight and the top of his Adonis girth peeped into view. My heart was breaking for my bestie asleep next door and for the beautiful man in front of me. I felt so utterly wretched at the fact it seemed that I couldn’t help either of them.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Nate, so, so sorry.’

  He gathered himself now and stood taller. The tears, that had started to fall down his face at the veracity of it all, stopped suddenly as he pulled on another facade.

  ‘Who else knows?’

  ‘Just myself and Bella’s sister, Yasmin... It’s not something she has ever really wanted to share.’

  I heard him inhaling one hell of a deep breath and he pushed himself off the balls of his feet into sudden movement towards me.

  ‘Tell her I am here... waiting... I want to hear her tell me she doesn’t love me to my face. I will wait for her until the weekend.’ He left my personal space then and my gaze. He turned to stare out of the windows at the lights below. ‘I will wait until then and only then.’

  I knew he was upset, but the fact he was now offering Bella an ultimatum just angered me.

  ‘So that’s it?... She has until the weekend to talk or what... what will you do?’ My voice had increased in volume, I wasn’t sure if it was all in anger or just at the sheer undeserved finality of it all.

  ‘I can’t make her want to be with me, Frankie... I can’t make her love me... and I certainly can’t sit around here waiting for her either... it will fucking finish me!’

  I slipped my hands around his waist from the back and hugged him.

  ‘I will tell her, Nathan,’ I whispered to his shoulder blade.

  When I left his apartment, I left him staring out at the city below and I shut the door behind me. My eyes couldn’t help but move to Alex’s apartment and I found myself wandering over to it. I knew he wasn’t in, but I was going to allow myself to wander around in there, I just needed to feel close to him at this moment. The door had opened with ease. It wasn’t locked; I knew it wouldn’t be as the whole floor was owned by his family. No one could gain access to the penthouse level without going through the whole security thing first or having a key card to swipe in the lift. The heavy door had pushed open wide and I stopped there on the threshold just to breathe in his scent. It was somewhat comforting and after the emotions of today I needed him, badly. I knew he was busy but had to make contact with him. Quickly I had made my way to his bedroom and placed my body beneath the quilt in order to envelope myself with his smell. Pulling up my phone I began to message him.

  Hi

  I know you’re busy.

  I just wanted to tell you how much

  I love you and how much I miss you.

  I can’t wait to see you

  My phone immediately pinged.

  Baby

  I miss you too! I can’t wait to feel you against me.

  I want to hold you in my arms. I love you

  I’ll be home on Friday; we’re going out on Saturday.

  We’re going to experience Christmas in NYC

  X

  That’s great news

  I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU!

  Frankie

  I laid back and sunk further into Alex’s comfortable bed, clasping my phone against my chest as though it were a lifeline. The stress of the day had caused a feeling of absolute exhaustion to wash over me. Just after closing my eyes I felt my phone beginning to vibrate again. Looking at it I was brought back to reality with a bump. Bella was awake.

  Thirty-Seven

  The next morning I found my way back to Alex’s. I was going to use his treadm

  ill. Really I could have done with some fresh air, but Bella had gone over to speak to Nate and I didn’t feel like I should be any further away than his apartment. We had lain awake last night chatting, stuffing our faces with chocolate and consuming copious amounts of wine.

  Already I knew in my gut she wasn’t going to open up to him. He would probably walk away. It was too much to comprehend. I didn’t know who I was going to have to pick up first. The sheer emotion of it all was weighing heavily on my shoulders; I just hoped for both of my friends’ sake I was strong enough to carry it.

  Once I found the right position on the treadmill I slapped forcefully at the start button. I placed my ear buds in and turned up my music as loud as I could deal with. A small part of me desired to obliterate everything that was going on around me, just for a time, even if that time was short.

  After I had run almost five miles my iPhone screen lit up in the holder.

  The message was from Nathan, it was simple.

  Go to her

  I pulled out my ear buds, almost snapping the cable in my haste. My hand had slammed down onto the stop button as I simultaneously jumped off the machine and ran out of the apartment. Heading off in a diagonal direction, I manoeuvred myself around the central arrangement of plants in the marble hallway. I was
moving quickly to get to her, but my movement was brought to a sudden halt when out of my peripheral view I had caught sight of Nate leaning onto the open doorframe of his apartment. His eyes lifted from the floor to mine. I started to move towards him then, even if just to offer my understanding in a hug. His hand moved abruptly, showing me his palm, stopping me in my tracks. His face had a hardened guarded expression. An expression I had never witnessed before on the normally playful Nathan’s face and it broke my heart somewhat to see it there.

  ‘She needs you, Frankie,’ he started to move his feet to turn into his apartment. ‘Look after her for me,’ the door slammed suddenly behind him and with the sudden loud noise my eyes began to fill with tears for him and Bella. Rushing from my statuesque like position I burst through our door, screaming out her name. Hearing her, I found her in her bedroom on the floor, tearing at the carpet with her fingers in her anguish. The tears were falling so quickly down her face she was almost inhaling them back into her body as she gasped for breath. After I had fallen to my knees, I had just held her, rocking her slowly back and forth in my arms. After what seemed like a lifetime of hugging and crying together, she had finally turned in my arms.

  ‘I couldn’t do it, Frankie,’ she finally managed to expel. ‘I am going undercover to expose IT and I couldn’t drag Nathan down there with me... I have let him go.’ I had known she had been stressed over work and now that one statement had answered the question why. If we could have been clasping each other with any more force than we were exuding now, I felt we would have probably broken a bone or two.

  ‘I love him, Frankie, and this is tearing me up... but I have to put this right before I can move on.’ Her face was streaked with tears, snot and mascara, all mixed together. But looking into her pained blue eyes she was still painstakingly beautiful in her bravery.