by Mike Gayle
624. And Gene’s Drawn To The Deep End . . .
625. And Dinah Washington’s The Roulette Years . . .
626. And Terry Hall’s The Collection . . .
627. And Soul Jazz Record’s 300 Dynamite compilation . . .
628. And Erlend Oye’s DJ Kicks compilation . . .
629. And The Best of The Wiggles.
630. Hand in the receipts to publishers that you forgot to hand in last summer but have been too scared to hand in ever since.
631. Give new address to all people and institutions who are still sending mail to your parents’ address.
632. Get mobile phone for Mum.
633. Get mobile phone for Dad.
634. Wrestle middle brother.
635. Do something with the million and one mini-discs in the box under the bed.
636. Stop early adopting when it comes to new technology.
637. Finish off any books that you started but couldn’t finish such as Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close . . .
638. And My Friend Leonard . . .
639. And The Old Man and The Sea . . .
640. And The Writer’s Journey . . .
641. And Little Dorrit . . .
642. And The Collected Dorothy Parker . . .
643. And Alan Titchmarsh’s Complete book of Gardening . . .
644. And Screenwriting for Dummies . . .
645. And The Iliad . . .
646. And Middlemarch . . .
647. And Gary Wilmot’s Guide to Doing impressions.
648. Start reading food labels.
649. Eat less sugar.
650. Eat less salt.
651. Eat less fat.
652. Switch off electrical appliances at night.
653. Stop leaving TV on standby.
654. Install a doorbell.
655. Digitise best of old mix tapes.
656. Get a business card.
657. Get round to doing something with the speak and type software that you convinced yourself would revolutionise your writing life but you failed to even open . . .
658. And the jigsaw you bought after watching one episode too many of Changing Rooms . . .
659. And the microwave egg poacher . . .
660. And the IKEA cappuccino maker . . .
661. And the sunflower seeds . . .
662. And the cress seeds . . .
663. And the lettuce seeds . . .
664. And the pedometer . . .
665. And the ludicrously expensive cable that can attach the computer to the TV . . .
666. And the revolutionary steam cleaner you bought from the back of the Telegraph magazine.
667. Try to engage more people in friendly conversation.
668. Score at Monday night football.
669. Do something with the fifty billion empty jam jars and the quarter of a million empty biscuit tins Claire keeps squirrelling away around the house claiming that they’ll ‘come in useful’ some day.
670. Get rid of weeds from front path.
671. De-stink trainers.
672. Use up all the mini bottle of toiletries that you insist on liberating from hotel bathrooms.
673. Come up with a plan B.
674. Balance chequebook.
675. Find out what balancing a chequebook actually entails.
676. Clean out microwave.
677. Take the Glucosamine sulphate tablets Claire bought for your knees.
678. Know who’s who in government.
679. Buy something from a door to door salesman.
680. Replace light in microwave as I know how much you miss watching the food go around.
681. Eat more fibre.
682. Try to organise an NCT group reunion.
683. Fix kickboard in kitchen that falls down when you open dishwasher.
684. Stop to complete surveys.
685. Reduce outlay on depreciating assets.
686. Get some life insurance.
687. Be more civic minded.
688. Check my credit rating.
689. Get blinds for Velux windows in loft.
690. Get blind for window next to loo.
691. Multitask.
692. Listen to entire albums without skipping tracks.
693. Stop spending money in a bid to cheer myself up.
694. Decide what my stance is on the new iPod range.
695. Try shopping at proper market stalls.
696. Get tips from Mother about how to select good quality fruit and vegetables.
697. Get fan for loft.
698. Get new curtain rail for our bedroom.
699. Buy large whiteboard . . .
700. And set of dry wipe marker pens.
701. Decorate a room in something other than white or antique cream paint.
702. Split clothes into seasons and store accordingly.
703. Get box for shoe cleaning equipment.
704. Buy summer-weight duvet instead of sweating underneath winter one.
705. Buy a shoe horn.
706. Try to get to grips with Lydia’s fascination with The Wiggles.
707. Make space in busy schedule to use voucher for luxury health spa day kindly bought for us as a wedding anniversary present last year by Claire’s mum.
708. When Claire asks you what you’re thinking try to have a better answer than ‘nothing’ at the ready.
709. Vacuum all cobwebs from the ceiling.
710. Try to say ‘no’ more often.
711. And ‘yes’ too.
712. Clean out the extractor fan in the kitchen . . .
713. And change its charcoal filter too.
714. Drink more hot drinks.
715. Take Lydia camping given that she’s been begging to do it on a daily basis ever since she saw people doing it on CBBC a year ago.
716. Brush up on your degree knowledge.
717. Consider getting a pet.
718. Write a poem.
719. Try to appreciate jazz.
720. Apologise to ‘M’ for the time that I called him ‘U’.
721. And apologise to ‘D’ for what I did on 12.12.92
722. And apologise to ‘K’ and to ‘J’ for that thing I did that we don’t talk about.
723. And while I’m at it issue an apology to ‘B’ for the misunderstanding that happened a while back that means we don’t talk any more.
724. Find a mentor.
725. Know about the solar system.
726. Investigate car leasing.
727. Decide if you are really ever going to watch Matrix Reloaded again . . .
728. Or Leaving Las Vegas . . .
729. Or Shakespeare In Love.
730. Go on professional development courses.
731. Be prepared.
732. Eat more fish.
733. Re-create first date with wife.
734. Find out parents’ life stories.
735. Back up phone SIM.
736. Buy new set of everyday cutlery.
737. Empty all food cupboards and check dates.
738. Remember people’s wedding anniversaries.
739. Change living room around . . .
740. And bedroom.
741. Spend less time on the internet.
742. Keep record of important numbers in case I lose bank cards.
743. Fix wonky shelf in loft.
744. Work out how to write next book whilst helping out more at home.
745. MAKE SURE YOU DON’T FORGET MOTHER’S DAY AGAIN AS CLAIRE WILL NOT BE SO FORGIVING A SECOND TIME.
746. Befriend a doctor.
747. Stop buying new pens.
748. And pencils.
749. And notepads.
750. Keep in touch with cousins.
751. Donate old spectacles to charity.
752. Try to redress work/life balance.
753. Chase year-old parking ticket that was incorrectly issued to you.
754. Get a proper wallet.
755. Set up a d
irect debit to pay the water rates . . .
756. And the council tax . . .
757. And the TV licence . . .
758. And telephone bill.
759. Be more romantic.
760. Try on wedding suit and see if it fits.
761. Replace gas canister for BBQ so that you’ll use it this summer.
762. Make a decision about where to go on holiday next summer . . .
763. And when (or if) Claire should go back to work . . .
764. And whether we should switch to Freeserve . . .
765. And whether we should move house . . .
766. And whether we should move to the country . . .
767. And whether we should change to generic bran flakes . . .
768. And what exactly to tell Lydia about Santa . . .
769. And about the tooth fairy . . .
770. And about where babies come from . . .
771. And why we don’t see the newsagent’s dog taking himself for a walk any more . . .
772. And how we feel about private health care . . .
773. And organic food . . .
774. And ballet lessons for three year olds . . .
775. And what to call the new baby if it’s a boy . . .
776. And what to call the new baby if it’s a girl . . .
777. And if it’s okay to buy barn eggs.
778. Get rid of anthill in garden.
779. Recycle old mobile phones.
780. Make more stuff (popcorn, mayonnaise, etc) from scratch.
781. Get duvets cleaned.
782. Get that really nice family photo of us all sitting on the sofa in 1970 digitally repaired.
783. And the one of my mum when she first started nursing in Wolverhampton.
784. Go to bed earlier.
785. Correct the internet rumours about my untimely demise on the Sheryl Crow message board.
786. Check fertility.
787. Decide whether or not we’re having more children.
788. Back up computer hard drive.
789. Turn over mattress.
790. Use less salt.
791. Clean bathroom . . .
792. And the kitchen . . .
793. And the living room . . .
794. And the cellar . . .
795. And the conservatory . . .
796. And the bedrooms too.
797. Clean detritus from rucksack.
798. Sort out modem.
799. Clean out car.
800. Carpe diem!
801. Get boiler checked.
802. Fixed stained glass in hallway door.
803. Buy new pillows as I have no idea how old the ones we have are but I do know they feel sort of crunchy.
804. Move Lydia’s bedroom.
805. Read all unread back issues of Word Magazine . . .
806. And Esquire . . .
807. And MacUser . . .
808. And DVD monthly.
809. Clean rug in living room.
810. Buy cover that you forgot to buy for Lydia’s IKEA chair.
811. Catch up with John O.
812. Get mobile number for all friends whose only contact detail I have is their email address.
813. Finish watching Season One of The Wire.
814. Get email address for all friends whose only contact detail I have is their mobile number.
815. Make Lydia’s bedroom look more like a little girl’s room.
816. Get doctor to undertake review of all non-temporary medication.
817. Get a new address book and add friends’ current addresses rather than walking round with a vague recollection of places my friends lived nine years ago.
818. Organise bookshelves so that you can find a specific book without turning the house upside down.
819. Get rid of all out-of-date direct debits.
820. Find a replacement solicitor for the one who retired.
821. Finish painting the cellar.
822. Institute TV-free nights.
823. Find out what all the extraneous switches in the kitchen are for.
824. Teach wife the art of self-defence.
825. Read all articles torn out of newspapers for later consumption . . .
826. Do same for those torn out of magazines.
827. Get in touch with people we met on holiday and really liked and exchanged email addresses with but never did anything about like Stan and Beth from New York . . .
828. And Andreas and Arva from Cyprus . . .
829. And Olga and Alyosha from Russia.
830. Re-hang bathroom door.
831. Work out how to download a podcast.
832. Have a go at learning basic HTML.
833. Replace missing buttons from pinstripe jacket . . .
834. And grey shirt . . .
835. And those cheap jeans you bought . . .
836. And from your grey jacket . . .
837. And from your grey overcoat . . .
838. And from your black cardigan . . .
839. And from your black jacket.
840. And from your white button-down shirt . . .
841. And from your black winter coat . . .
842. And from your grey cardigan . . .
843. Find out what the big fuss is about Bob Dylan.
844. Learn to identify names of plants and shrubs.
845. Go to more gigs.
846. Buy new glassware.
847. Fix missing roof tile.
848. Investigate school for Lydia.
849. Take more baths.
850. Sample more world cuisine like Iranian food . . .
851. And Nigerian . . .
852. And Polish . . .
853. And Lithuanian.
854. Visit Loch Ness.
855. Keep travel sweets in the car.
856. Come up with a title for new book.
857. Collect together all loose change in house . . .
858. And then do something with it.
859. Double-check the rules of box junctions.
860. Paint over former damp patch in hallway.
861. Clean all downstairs windows.
862. Try and break a world record (yes I know!).
863. Eat less meat.
864. Throw a Seinfeld appreciation night.
865. Work on alternative routes to routine destinations.
866. Fully utilise all of the different attachments that came with the vacuum cleaner that you never give a second glance.
867. Find the plug bit for the baby monitor . . .
868. And the missing speaker for the surround sound . . .
869. And disc one from DVD box set of season four of Buffy the Vampire Slayer . . .
870. And the re-install discs for the computer . . .
871. And the piece of paper that you wrote Dave’s mobile number on . . .
872. And the instruction manual for the breadmaker . . .
873. And the £52 charity sponsorship money that you put in a safe place and then promptly forgot about . . .
874. And the battery for the old digital camera . . .
875. And the charger for the old digital camera . . .
876. And the 2GB memory stick you bought back in March . . .
877. And the special nut thing without which it’s impossible to take the wheels off the car . . .
878. And your car’s V5 document . . .
879. And the receipt for the washing machine to prove that it really is less than six months old and therefore should not be giving up the ghost just like that.
880. Find out how to responsibly get rid of low-energy light bulbs.
881. Try to like cricket.
882. Go jogging.
883. Have family portraits taken.
884. Plan more day trips.
885. Buy a coffee table book.
886. Buy a coffee table.
887. Come up with a five-year plan.
888. Get more discounts.
889. Learn
how to fold clothes properly like they do in posh clothes shops.
890. Be a better son . . .
891. And a better brother.
892. Ask more questions.
893. Try to make miserable check-out lady smile.
894. Meet bank manager.
895. Remember Phillip’s birthday.
896. Look after the pennies.
897. Get round to watching Danby’s art videos.
898. Buy in bulk.
899. Replace wife’s Dean and Deluca mug.
900. Get the city council’s building regulations people in to finally check all of the changes to the house like you should have done a few years ago.
901. Investigate getting cheaper offers on mobile phone insurance.
902. Take Lydia on to upper deck of double-decker bus to prove to her that there is no shop up there.
903. Get planning permission for loft.
904. Bleed radiator.
905. Ask to see my medical records.
906. Finish Guardian quick crossword begun back in April.
907. Overcome embarrassment about middle name.
908. Use handkerchiefs.
909. Carry an umbrella.
910. Buy a tablecloth . . .
911. And serving dishes . . .
912. And proper serving spoons . . .
913. And a proper dinner service . . .
914. And napkins . . .
915. And a proper tea set . . .
916. And a proper coffee maker . . .
917. And a canteen of cutlery with no missing teaspoons.
918. Replace all horrible 80s style Chinese lantern lampshades.
919. Watch first series of Spooks.
920. Be a calmer driver.
921. Read The Lovely Bones even though it’s at least four years too late for it to be current fodder for dinner party conversation . . .
922. And We Need To Talk About Kevin . . .
923. And Small Island . . .
924. And Stuart: A Life Backwards . . .
925. And Notes on a Scandal . . .
926. And The Shadow of The Wind . . .
927. And The Da Vinci Code . . .
928. And The Kite Runner.
929. Start a blog.
930. Become the kind of man who isn’t fazed by the idea of buying his wife underwear from Agent Provocateur.
931. Learn wife’s bra size . . .
932. And her dress size . . .
933. And her shoe size . . .
934. And her ring size . . .
935. Change mobile phone provider.
936. Review cable package.
937. Consider Sky+.
938. Be open to suggestion.
939. Cease and desist from buying dry-clean-only clothes.
940. Speak to overseas friends via Skype.
941. Eat more nuts.
942. Find left hand of ski gloves.