by Mike Gayle
943. Find the instruction manuals for the video recorder . . .
944. And DVD player . . .
945. And then correct the time on both as they have been displaying the wrong time for the past five years.
946. Remember to take address book on holiday . . .
947. So that we can send postcards home.
948. Let the Chadwicks finally know that the Smiths have moved house.
949. Find out actual neck size so that I don’t carry on buying shirts that are too small.
950. Put door closers on loft bedroom door as requested by building regulations . . .
951. And Lydia’s bedroom . . .
952. And Claire’s old office . . .
953. And our bedroom . . .
954. And the living room . . .
955. And the kitchen.
956. Find plug for electric breast pump.
957. Take better care of feet.
958. Buy a pair of proper ladders . . .
959. And a pair of smaller ones too.
960. Visit mother-in-law more.
961. Find out who insures house . . .
962. And who insures contents . . .
963. And make sure that we’re fully covered.
964. Write love letters to wife like I did in the old days.
965. Descale kettle . . .
966. And the iron.
967. Use Debenhams vouchers bought by Claire’s auntie for our wedding ten years ago.
968. Descale shower head.
969. Make receptacle for work-related receipts.
970. Clear leaves from gutter.
971. Find removal van number that Jo asked for months ago.
972. Put preservative on shed.
973. Make an effort to go to London more.
974. Join online DVD club.
975. Use Final Draft.
976. See if there’s a device for taking out screws that no longer have a head so that you can unscrew the one that broke while fixing the bed.
977. Alphabetise CDs.
978. Either get rid of or consume all impulse duty-free purchases of the alcoholic variety like the bottle of Peach Schnapps from Innsbruck Airport . . .
979. Or the 2 bottles of Dream Island Cocktail mix from Seychelles International Airport . . .
980. Or the bottle of Mount Gay Rum from Grantley Adams International Airport . . .
981. Or the bottle of Ouzo from Larnaca Airport . . .
982. Or the bottle of Tequila from Mexico City International Airport . . .
983. Or the bottle of Banana Liqueur from Birmingham International Airport.
984. Fix wardrobe sliding door.
985. Find ‘A’ level certificates . . .
986. And ‘O’ level . . .
987. And Post Graduate Diploma . . .
988. And Sociology degree . . .
989. And 5m swim badge.
990. Indulge wife’s increasing fondness for throws without complaint.
991. Understand the point of kitchen roll.
992. Buy an Oxford English Dictionary . . .
993. And refer to it rather than relying on Google.
994. Buy a bradawl.
995. Shop locally.
996. Come up with idea for play . . .
997. And a screenplay . . .
998. And a non-fiction book.
999. Get low-maintenance pet for Lydia that neither of us are frightened of or allergic to and that is minimally annoying.
1000. Locate and read Mark Forster’s book Get Everything Done And Still Have Time To Play.
1001. Visit chiropodist.
1002. Buy collection of birthday cards so that all I have to do is search out the address and slap it in the post . . .
1003. And collection of ‘sorry you’re leaving’ / ‘It’s a boy!’ / ‘Hope you’re happy in your new house’ type cards.
1004. Buy a water feature.
1005. Learn to catch fish.
1006. Build something out of wood for Lydia.
1007. Get citronella candle or similar for garden.
1008. Be more open.
1009. Buy flowers for wife for no reason.
1010. Work out what the mysterious splatter that goes up to the ceiling is on the wall in the hallway.
1011. Get a second opinion.
1012. Stop missing appointments.
1013. Purchase an extra dustbin.
1014. Watch 24 season four.
1015. Investigate Bolivian food shop that always piques your curiosity given the low density of Bolivian families in your local community.
1016. Practise Heimlich manoeuvre.
1017. Replace all missing light bulbs.
1018. Finally take up Mum’s offer to teach me how to make rice and peas . . .
1019. And her infamous ‘boozy cake’ . . .
1020. And that thing she does with okra, tinned tomatoes and bacon.
1021. Read War and Peace because it will make you look smart . . .
1022. As will Of Mice and Men . . .
1023. And Lucky Jim . . .
1024. And Catch 22 . . .
1025. And Moby Dick . . .
1026. And Frankenstein . . .
1027. And Brave New World . . .
1028. And David Copperfield . . .
1029. And Madame Bovary.
1030. Rediscover and consume all lost freezer food.
1031. Get up to date with current music.
1032. Stop wife buying any more hand cream seeing that we have enough to soften her hands well into her eighties.
1033. Stop wife buying any more lip balm. (See above but in relation to lips.)
1034. Stop wife buying any more lady razors. She’s not that hairy.
1035. Turn down thermostat.
1036. Learn the rules of backgammon.
1037. Plan more.
1038. Increase punctuality.
1039. Drink less alcohol.
1040. Find out from GP what I am genuinely allergic to.
1041. Find out what happened in the last episode of the X-Files . . .
1042. And Twin Peaks . . .
1043. And Friends . . .
1044. And Happy Days . . .
1045. And Alias . . .
1046. And Xena: Warrior Princess . . .
1047. And The West Wing . . .
1048. And The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air . . .
1049. And Dallas . . .
1050. And Cheers . . .
1051. And The Golden Girls.
1052. Remove my name from all of the email newsletters subscription services that I unwisely signed up for.
1053. Keep up with current affairs.
1054. Get rid of left-over currency from previous holidays and foreign trips . . . including US dollars . . .
1055. And French francs . . .
1056. And Spanish pesetas . . .
1057. And Swedish kroners . . .
1058. And Singaporean dollars . . .
1059. And Cypriot pounds . . .
1060. And Australian dollars . . .
1061. And Russian roubles.
1062. Do something with all the stamps that you’ve been tearing off envelopes for charity but then fail to take to a charitable concern.
1063. Open a savings account.
1064. And a joint account for bills and stuff.
1065. Take out all the spooky red eye from all digital photos.
1066. Learn to appreciate Raymond Carver.
1067. Grow rhubarb.
1068. Read more non-fiction.
1069. Whilst I’m happy with Dr M’s work start trying out other GPs, just in case.
1070. Get batteries for the spare car keys that haven’t worked since the summer before last.
1071. Ask around for recommendations for a decent electrician . . .
1072. And a plumber . . .
1073. And a children’s party entertainer . . .
1074. And a cleaner . . .
1075. And a tree su
rgeon.
1076. Write to that address that stops junk mail being sent to you.
1077. Learn how to properly use your current mobile phone.
1078. Do more boring stuff online like filing tax return . . .
1079. And paying bills . . .
1080. And paying car tax . . .
1081. And food shopping . . .
1082. And banking.
1083. Get the wiring in the house checked to find out why the toaster keeps triggering the trip switch.
1084. Fix broken slat on our bed.
1085. Add dishwasher salt to dishwasher.
1086. Return all stray tools to the toolbox.
1087. Thin out CD collection – is there really any need to keep that Light House Family CD any longer?
1088. . . . and do the same for your vinyl. No one needs two copies of ‘I Should Be So Lucky’.
1089. Choose date for gathering of the Gayle clan.
1090. Give in to publisher’s demand for new author photo.
1091. Get to know cheese.
1092. Watch all remaining Woody Allen films in hope that at least one of them will prove to be a return to form.
1093. Buy more shelving.
1094. Find out which one of your neighbours has a wi-fi network called ‘electricvagina2’ and why.
1095. Find lids for all plastic storage containers. Bin ones without.
1096. Wash out and fill the bird feeder.
1097. Get a knife sharpener.
1098. Sharpen all knives.
1099. Try to choose wine without relying on the attractiveness of the label or the fact that it costs less than a fiver.
1100. Buy new non-stick frying pans to replace old extra-sticky frying pans.
1101. Buy a new set of saucepans and dump all the battered mangled old things we have been coping with for the last ten years.
1102. Get rid of all out-of-date spices.
1103. Buy jar of Ras el Hanout . . .
1104. And cumin seeds . . .
1105. And smoked paprika.
1106. Try to address wife’s complaint that I don’t talk enough.
1107. Have longer phone conversations with male friends.
1108. Read Claire’s lady magazines without recourse to mocking.
1109. Occasionally listen to music in the evenings rather than just switching on the TV.
1110. Try to like new neighbours more.
1111. Find out what the strange smell is coming from the basement.
1112. Find the memory card for the old camera that’s got the photos of Gina and Paul’s wedding on it.
1113. Seek and destroy the slug that’s been leaving its trail over the welcome mat.
1114. Use public transport more.
1115. Borrow Dad’s garden hose . . .
1116. And his lawn-edging tool.
1117. Make peace with enemies.
1118. Try to look slightly less 1997 when getting ready for a big night out.
1119. Get eye test.
1120. Have shorter meetings.
1121. Eat outdoors more.
1122. Deal with mail as soon as it comes through the door. Failing that, find a receptacle for mail rather than leaving it on the stairs to be tripped on, scribbled on or lost.
1123. Find bank statements 145 and 146 that the accountant has been asking about since January.
1124. Try to understand the plot to Donnie Darko without recourse to the internet.
1125. Speak to a life coach.
1126. Help Claire to cancel her Next Directory as there are at least 12 editions of it a year and I am sick and tired of trying to find somewhere to store them seeing as she never orders anything from any of them.
1127. Remember that your home is not a museum . . .
1128. Or a library.
1129. Get a hands-free set for mobile phone.
1130. Change burglar-alarm code to something slightly less obvious . . .
1131. And my email password.
1132. Replace watch battery.
1133. Get a proper bag not a rucksack seeing as you are neither a hiker nor a skateboarding student.
1134. Give the man-bag a chance.
1135. Do something with the leftover gravel that’s at the bottom of the garden.
1136. Get outdoor plug socket fitted so that I don’t have to do scary things with extension leads when I want to cut the grass.
1137. Wash out the outside bin . . .
1138. And the recycling boxes too.
1139. Make DVD of kids for mother-in-law as promised last Christmas.
1140. Try to like something by Leonard Cohen other than ‘Famous Blue Raincoat’.
1141. Fix parents’ front door bell.
1142. Watch Citizen Kane . . .
1143. And The Shawshank Redemption . . .
1144. And Hotel Rwanda . . .
1145. And Raging Bull . . .
1146. And The French Connection . . .
1147. And The Deer Hunter . . .
1148. And Jean de Florette . . .
1149. And The Exorcist . . .
1150. And Don’t Look Now . . .
1151. And Breathless . . .
1152. And Easy Rider . . .
1153. Find out what the dozen or so random keys in the key drawer actually open.
1154. Get new back-door key in case we lose the original.
1155. Drop a set of spare keys at my parents.
1156. And another set at Andy’s.
1157. Give Damian Rice’s second album a chance . . .
1158. And Stone Rose’s one . . .
1159. And the Strokes’ one too . . .
1160. And while we’re at it, Goldfrapp’s entire output since that first one.
1161. Work out how to stop texting like an old man whilst still avoiding irksome phrases like ‘c u l8tr’ and ‘lol’.
1162. Find out why wedding ring is turning skin funny.
1163. Get into reading and checking bank statements.
1164. Arrange for builder to quote for new roof that has been looking decidedly dodgy since we first bought the house.
1165. Fly kite with child.
1166. Now that you have perfected the three-pint triangle manoeuvre, try the four-pint square.
1167. Stop bingeing.
1168. Fix puncture on Lydia’s bike rather than pumping it up all the time as you have been doing since May.
1169. Eat less bread.
1170. Use electric toothbrush.
1171. Eat more soup.
1172. Put preservative on lawn edging.
1173. Listen to more classical music . . .
1174. And opera.
1175. Indulge wife’s increasing fondness for scatter cushions without complaint.
1176. Re-pot the spider plant . . .
1177. And the Aloe Vera plant . . .
1178. And the potted palm in the bathroom . . .
1179. And the other potted palm in the bathroom . . .
1180. And the plant with the big leaves that keep dropping off . . .
1181. And the umbrella plant . . .
1182. And the cheese plant . . .
1183. And the fern . . .
1184. And the potted palm in the living room . . .
1185. And the yucca.
1186. Ebay golf set . . .
1187. And broken digital camera . . .
1188. And old iPod . . .
1189. And bass guitar . . .
1190. And season one of House . . .
1191. And my old SLR camera . . .
1192. And old miniDV camera . . .
1193. And those ridiculously expensive Maharishi trousers you bought and wore only once . . .
1194. And the grey John Smedley jumper that Claire shrunk in the wash . . .
1195. And the black John Smedley jumper that Claire shrunk in the wash . . .
1196. And the grey and yellow striped John Smedley jumper that Claire shrunk in the wash . . .
1197. Buy a shirt r
equiring cuff links.
1198. Get an Oyster card for when I’m in London.
1199. Find extended warranty for iPod . . .
1200. And for new digital camera . . .
1201. And for the old TV.
1202. Try and work out who’s who on EastEnders.
1203. Buy new festive outdoor lights.
1204. Do the lottery if only because it’ll give me and Dad something extra to talk about.
1205. Stop thinking a meal isn’t complete without pudding.
1206. Eat more raw food.
1207. Try Goji berries.
1208. Eat more fruit.
1209. Listen to the Today programme.
1210. And the Archers.
1211. And in fact more radio in general.
1212. Get Leeds-based car showroom to change their burglar alarm dialler number which has been phoning my mobile phone on and off since February.
1213. Learn to enjoy surprises.
1214. Buy subscription to Men’s Health.
1215. Edit wardrobe.
1216. Buy tie hanger.
1217. Buy digital thermometer.
1218. Listen to Claire’s medieval music without grimacing.
1219. And again on behalf of wife try to listen to Crash Test Dummies without yelling, ‘Will someone stop this racket now!’
1220. Work out my carbon footprint.
1221. Try to eat daily 5 portions of fruit and veg.
1222. Be more encouraging.
1223. End fatwa against Royal Sun Alliance . . .
1224. Set clock in conservatory to the right time.
1225. And the one with Indesit . . .
1226. And the one with BQ’s kitchen installation service.
1227. And the one in our bedroom . . .
1228. And the one on the CD player.
1229. Tune in Channel Five properly on the TV.
1230. Transfer ISA to one with a better rate.
1231. Institute a casual Friday policy at work.
1232. Stop worrying about death . . .
1233. And the likelihood of people trying to steal your identity . . .
1234. And potentially fatal diseases . . .
1235. And whether or not you’re a good dad.
1236. Worry more about eating properly . . .
1237. And the meaning of life . . .
1238. And how you’re going to get this next novel finished on time.
1239. Look after your lips.
1240. Stop being tied to your mobile.
1241. Try to buy more seasonable products.
1242. Find out exactly what Hedge Fund managers do to make all that cash.
1243. Chillax more.
1244. Collect together all the random photos lying about the house without a frame and frame them.
1245. Do something with the old Christmas wrapping.