Home All Along

by Beth Wiseman

  She was, but her stomach churned too much for food. “I’m okay. Please finish your meal. I’m happy to wait on the porch if you’d have time to speak with me afterward.”

  “Let me just go let Marianne know we have a guest.” He walked away. Bishop Miller probably had two decades on Charlotte, a man in his mid to late forties, but that seemed young to be a bishop.

  Charlotte looked around the modest living room. There wasn’t a Christmas tree, but groups of wrapped gifts were placed in various piles in the room. A vine of holly ran along the fireplace mantel, along with three red candles in holders. It was festive, but not overtly so.

  The bishop returned moments later. “Let’s chat on the porch, if you don’t think it will be too cold. The kinner are having cake, and the noise coming from the kitchen may be distracting.”

  Charlotte pulled her jacket snug. It was probably in the forties, but a cloudless sky and bright sun gave the illusion it was much warmer. She followed him onto the porch, and they each sat in a white wicker chair, a small table in between them.

  “I’m glad you’ve come for a visit, Charlotte. I’ve been expecting you or Daniel. But I know the Bylers are consumed by the situation with Eve.”

  “Yes, Daniel said just earlier that things are the same.” Charlotte wanted to get right to the point. “Of course, you know that Daniel and I have been dating. And now I’m considering baptism into the faith, but I’m worried if I’m doing it for the right reasons.”

  Bishop Miller ran his hand the length of his beard. “I appreciate your honesty. You are concerned that you seek baptism just so you can have a life with Daniel, ya?”

  Charlotte lowered her gaze. “Exactly.” She looked back at him. “Actually, that’s part of my concern, but that’s not all.”

  “Talk freely. And maybe we can work through this together.” Bishop Miller crossed one leg over the other, then took off his straw hat and set it on the small table.

  Charlotte took a deep breath. “I love Daniel. And the people here are like my family. But I’m not sure that’s a good enough reason to convert to the faith.”

  “I agree.” Bishop Miller offered a slight smile.

  Charlotte was caught a little off guard. Maybe she’d assumed that Bishop Miller would be more enthusiastic about someone wanting to join the community.

  “I feel like I should be asking myself what the other reasons are, but what if I’m just seeing things the way I want to see them, as justification to convert and be with Daniel?”

  “That’s a possibility.”

  Ouch. The man wasn’t going to make this easy.

  “Charlotte, do you love the Lord and believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross to free us from sin?”

  “I absolutely do.”

  “Are you prepared to give up all things prideful, to honor and respect our ways?”

  She swallowed hard. “Yes. And I already live in a house without electricity and gave up makeup and my hair dryer a long time ago.”

  The bishop smiled, and Charlotte felt herself flush. “That sounded silly, I know. But I’ve already thought about some of those things. I’d have to give up my truck and driving, and I’m prepared to do that. And I know I would be expected to dress appropriately.”

  Bishop Miller stared at her for a while. “Ya, this is all true. But these things you speak of are what is seen on the outside. It is what’s inside that must drive this decision, an honest and pure admission to live according to our Ordnung.” He raised a bushy eyebrow. “Do you know what the Ordnung is?”

  Charlotte nodded. “The accepted ways of the Amish, and most of you know the rules by heart.”

  “Do you know the rules?” He grinned a little.

  “I think I know most of them, but I would work hard to be proficient.”

  Bishop Miller looped his thumbs beneath his suspenders. “I know that you attended the baptismal meetings awhile back to help you make a decision about this important possibility. You would be expected to know Deutsch or, at the least, have a strong desire to learn our dialect.”

  She nodded. But none of this was at the core of what she needed to know. “I’m afraid.”

  The bishop’s eyebrows drew into a frown. “Of the commitment you’d need to make to achieve these goals?”

  She shook her head. “Partly, but I’m also afraid of . . . failure. I’m afraid of letting God down.”

  “You will let God down, repeatedly. It’s called sin.”

  Charlotte folded her clammy hands in her lap, twisting them as her thoughts swirled and collided. “I’m also afraid of letting Daniel down.”

  The bishop smiled. “You will let Daniel down. It’s called marriage.”

  Charlotte managed a half smile, but this wasn’t going how she expected.

  “There is not a person in our community who has not failed God in some way, myself included. In 1 Peter 3:21, it is explained in this way, ‘The like figure whereunto even baptism doth also now save us (not the putting away of the filth of the flesh, but the answer of a good conscience toward God,) by the resurrection of Jesus Christ.’ Charlotte, baptism saves us through an inward cleaning. If you live in good conscience, God takes away the sins of our past, present, and future. His Son gifted this to us.”

  Charlotte smiled.

  “You already knew all of this.” Bishop Miller put his hat back on his head. “You just needed to hear me say it. And you are here seeking permission for baptism so you can begin a life with Daniel. And as for your question as to whether or not you are doing this for the right reasons, only God can see your heart, Charlotte.” He paused. “And even if you aren’t 100 percent sure of such a conviction, you wouldn’t be the first person to join our faith with doubts. But the Lord has a way of guiding us onto the right path, even if the steps we take are based on free will. If it is your path to stay in our community, the steps will feel natural and be taken with ease.”

  Charlotte stood when the bishop did, and she extended her hand to him. “Danki, Bishop Miller.”

  He smiled. “You are most welcome.”

  Charlotte walked with a bounce in her step, got into Big Red, and hurried toward home. She’d rather be going straight to Daniel’s house to tell him that she’d chosen baptism, but his heart was so heavy right now about his mother, she chose to tell Andrea first.

  But when she pulled into the driveway and opened the door of the truck, she heard Bella screaming before she even killed the engine. Almost forgetting to press the brake on the floorboard, she ran across the yard to the opened front door, then gasped when she walked inside the house.

  Andrea was pacing with Bella on her hip. Her sister’s yellow T-shirt was speckled with blood, which looked like it had come from a cut on Andrea’s nose, and a few dots of red were also on Bella’s white shirt. Andrea had a black eye that was swollen shut.

  “Don’t talk or get near us.” Crying, Andrea kept Charlotte at an arm’s length as she held her palm toward her. “We will be out of here right away.”

  Charlotte gently slapped Andrea’s hand out of the way and moved closer, inspecting her sister’s eye and nose as Bella screamed and clawed to go to Charlotte. Andrea finally handed the baby over, and after a quick inspection of Bella, Charlotte was relieved that she seemed fine.

  “No one is going anywhere, Andrea. Stop thinking I’m going to throw you out all the time.” She kissed Bella on the cheek. “You’re okay, sweet girl.” Then she turned to Andrea. “What happened?”

  “Blake happened. When I didn’t show up, he came here. I told him I was done with him and to leave or I’d call the police. Thank God Bella was napping and our conversation took place out on the porch.” Andrea swiped at her runny nose with her hand. “And I know this isn’t the kind of life you signed on for, so if you’ll just give us some time to find a place to go—”

  “Andrea, stop it.” Charlotte snuggled Bella who laid her head on Charlotte’s shoulder. “I’m not throwing you out, but this doesn’t have to be your life either.�
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  Charlotte sat on the couch with Bella and patted the seat cushion until her sister finally joined her.

  “I shouldn’t have texted him, but I was so mad.” Andrea covered her eyes with her hands and cried. Bella jumped from Charlotte’s lap to her mother’s, wrapping tiny arms around Andrea’s neck.

  “No, you shouldn’t have. But it’s over. Let it go. Just be done with that part of your life.” Charlotte clenched her fists at her sides. A large part of her wanted to find Blake and punch him in the face for doing this. But if she was really going to live the ways of the Amish, a more passive behavior was expected. And no good would come from confronting Blake.

  Andrea kissed Bella on the cheek, leaving a trace of blood on the baby’s face. She shook her head. “That’s not how it works. I mean, do you really think we can shed our pasts to live normal lives?”

  Charlotte pushed back hair from her sister’s face. “Yes, I do. We are not products of a past environment. We’ve talked about this. We are who we choose to be. Just don’t look back. Move forward. One baby step at a time.”

  “Edna was here today.”

  Charlotte’s eyes widened. “Uh, that was random. But, why?”

  “Can I just say it’s a long story, but it ended with a great tale about cake and icing?” Andrea tried to smile but flinched as she brought a hand to her eye.

  Charlotte recalled Lena’s cake-and-icing analogy about life on earth and heaven. “If it’s the same story I’ve been told, it’s a good one.” Charlotte wished she’d been the one to tell it to her sister.

  Andrea nodded. “Yeah, it is.” She stared at Charlotte. “Do you think God sends unexpected people into our lives to help us see things more clearly?”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “I know you don’t like Edna, but she’s kinda messed up. I’m thinking maybe I will ask her to go to lunch or something. Is that okay?”

  Charlotte shrugged but then smiled. “It’s fine. This might be your first baby step.”

  “I had a taste of icing earlier today, and it felt so awesome.” She pointed to her eye. “Then this happened and reminded me that I’m still the same Andrea.” Her voice cracked. “And I don’t want to be her anymore.”

  Charlotte cupped her sister’s cheek. “I want you to be exactly who you are.” She grinned. “With maybe just a few tiny improvements.”

  Andrea tried to smile again. “I want a fresh start. I want a clean slate. But I don’t know how to erase my past.”

  “I understand. I really do. But God forgives us the moment we ask Him to. That’s something I struggled with for a long time. Just ask, and you are forgiven.”

  Andrea stared at Charlotte for a long while, her black eye twitching. “Have you always been religious like this?”

  Charlotte chuckled. “No. And I’m still on the journey. But my steps are larger and more confident as I navigate my path. The light is easier to see when you step away from the darkness.”

  Andrea touched her eye. “I don’t want the darkness anymore.”

  “Then baby steps it is.” Charlotte squeezed Andrea’s hand before she kissed her sister gently on the cheek, then she kissed Bella. “We are a family. We will just keep picking each other up when we fall. Now, let’s get you girls cleaned up.” She pointed at Andrea as she stood. “No more communication with Blake, right?”

  Andrea nodded as she stood with Bella. “I promise.”

  They walked toward the kitchen. “I have some news to share.”

  Andrea grunted. “I hope it’s good news, ’cause it’s been a weird day.”

  “Yes, it’s good news.” Charlotte smiled, eager to tell Daniel later about her decision to be baptized.

  After she’d talked to Andrea for a while, Charlotte tried to call Daniel. Even as she stared at her phone, Charlotte had to admit that she would be glad to keep it after she converted. The more she thought about this life change, the more she wanted to talk to Daniel about it. She tried to call several more times, but there was no answer.

  Daniel sat in the living room he’d grown up in, a house filled with love, fellowship, obedience, and devotion to the Lord. Precious memories were held within these walls, but a dark cloud hung thick in the room as his family gathered. Daniel and Annie sat on the couch while Aunt Faye and their father sat in the rocking chairs on the other side of the room. It was a forced meeting that Aunt Faye had demanded, and it was the first time that no one was at the hospital with their mother. It was also the first time their father had come out of the bedroom for longer than five minutes, and Daniel was pretty sure that was his aunt’s doing also.

  “I’ve called this meeting because Eve would want me to. And we all know what it’s about.” Aunt Faye glared at Daed, a stubborn man who ruled his household with a mostly fair mix of discipline and love. But he was broken, slumped over in the chair, and seemingly without energy to even argue with Aunt Faye.

  “It’s time, Lucas.” Aunt Faye sat taller, her eyes filled with tears. “And I respect your role as head of this household, but your children are adults, and they should have a say in this matter.”

  Daniel felt like a hand had closed around his throat. Annie gently rocked Gracie on the couch next to him. Their father continued not to take notice of the baby, and more and more Annie had assumed the parental role. Daniel was proud of her for that. She’d been through her fair share of heartache, yet she made sure that the baby’s needs were met, including a healthy dose of cuddling and love.

  Daniel glanced at his father, his elbows on his knees and his forehead in his hands.

  “Let us pray.” Aunt Faye bowed her head, and so did Annie and Daniel. Daed didn’t move, his head still low.

  After they’d prayed silently, Daniel tried to clear his throat, but it was hard to breathe as he fought to hold back tears. He couldn’t get any words to come.

  “I’ve consulted with the bishop,” Aunt Faye said.

  This seemed odd to Daniel since his aunt had been shunned years ago and the rule was that after a person was shunned, the Amish were no longer permitted to speak with them. But exceptions had been made, and Daniel wasn’t sure whether to credit that to Bishop Miller exclusively or to the overall changing ways that were being forced on them by the Englisch.

  “And Bishop Miller has said that only God can decide if a person lives or dies.” Aunt Faye’s voice was shaky. “And Lucas, our beloved Eve isn’t living. It is an injustice to leave her in this state where she is left somewhere in between life and death. And it seems only fair to take a vote on this matter.”

  Prior to now, his father would have bucked up, told everyone the decisions made in this house were his alone, and most likely stomped a foot—or possibly thrown Aunt Faye out. But Daed didn’t move or speak, his focus on the wood floor beneath his feet.

  Even though Daniel’s thoughts had shifted and he felt like his mother was already gone, he wasn’t sure he could be a part of unplugging her life support, now that they were down to an actual decision-making process.

  “I vote to disable the machines.” Aunt Faye raised her chin, and Daniel held his breath, waiting for Daed to tell his aunt that she wasn’t included in the voting, but he remained still and silent. “Annie? Daniel?”

  Annie started to cry and reached for Daniel’s hand, and as his own tears formed, he found himself unable to commit either, so he remained silent.

  “Sweet children . . .” Aunt Faye spoke softly as a tear rolled down her cheek. “Follow your heart and think hard about what your mother would want.”

  Daed bolted up from the chair and the two women and Daniel jumped. “We will have the doctors disable the machines.” His voice was gravelly and his chin trembled as he spoke. “There will be no more discussion. We will go to the hospital this morning.” He left the room, went to his bedroom, and slammed the door.

  Aunt Faye dabbed at her eyes with a tissue. “And so it shall be.” She walked up the stairs, leaving Daniel and Annie alone. Annie sobbed quietly.

&nbs
p; Daniel appreciated and respected the fact that their father had come through in the end. He wasn’t going to make his children vote on whether or not to end their mother’s life.

  Daniel had already decided that he couldn’t do it. And he suspected Annie felt the same way, even if it was the right thing to do. Knowing the right decision didn’t always mean being strong enough to make it. The weight on Daniel’s shoulders lifted, but as the load settled into his chest, a new form of grief tightened the muscles around his heart.

  Charlotte was concerned about leaving Andrea and Bella alone this morning, but Andrea had assured her that Blake wouldn’t be coming back. Charlotte took the day off work today. It was a slow time during the holidays, and she was eager to tell Daniel that she was choosing to be baptized the Sunday after next. Bishop Miller had told her that there was already another baptism scheduled for that day, and Charlotte could be a part of those proceedings.

  Excitement and nervousness left her feeling light-headed. She’d gone by the Byler’s place, but no one was home. Charlotte had called Daniel’s cell phone this morning, but still no answer. Annie also wasn’t answering her phone. Maybe Lucas had finally put an end to the cell phone privileges. Daniel said his father threatened all the time to ban the phones.

  Next stop, the hospital. If Daniel wasn’t there, surely Annie or their father would know where he was. She parked Big Red and found her way to Eve’s room. The door was closed, so she knocked.

  No one answered, but she heard muffled cries from inside. She knocked again, and Annie answered, her face red and streaked with tears. “Come in, Charlotte,” she said softly.

  Charlotte stepped into the room as a flat, green line ran across Eve’s monitor, and it became obvious why Daniel, Annie, their father, and their aunt were gathered around Eve’s bed, along with a doctor and a nurse.

  “I’m so sorry,” Charlotte said in a whisper. “I’ll go.” She turned to leave, but Annie grabbed her hand.

  “Nee, you’re family.” Annie held tightly to Charlotte’s hand, but when Charlotte locked eyes with Daniel, she could feel the daggers he threw her way. He was crying, but an anger was etched into his features that she’d never seen before.