by Kara Dalkey
But why must it be so?
REBIRTH
Does the new moth ask, drying its wings in the sun, "So, what am I now?"
At dawn, I sat on the veranda facing east. Around me, Dento had drawn a circular mandala with ashes and other powders. This was not an ordinary ceremony for the initiation of an ubasoku acolyte, I was told, because of the extraordinary circumstances surrounding my decision. Even so, it is not permitted that I describe all that Dento did.
I will say only that, among other things, he chanted several sutras and performed incantations with incense and sakaki branches, and then he cut my hair. Not all of it, for I was still only an acolyte, but so that it came just below my shoulders. As he cut the strands, he said, "You should give thought to what your new name will be. You need not choose it right away. Often one chooses a thing or quality that one would wish to learn or emulate. Such as my name, Dento, "tradition," which I chose because I wish to continue the traditions of my ubasoku ancestors."
My head felt strangely light after the hair was cut. Dento gathered the cut strands and wrapped them in some cloth. Then I bathed myself and dressed in plain kimonos such as servants wore. When I rejoined Dento, he handed me a plain walking staff and said, "From now on, you will own nothing but this and whatever you can carry on your back."
For a moment I was reminded of the old woman at the river, demanding my clothes. As a beginning ubasoku, I was allowed more than the truly dead, at least.
I had not yet seen Sotoko that morning, and I wondered if I would. I had told Sotoko, during the night, what I was doing and why. She became very upset, railing at me about how I was deserting the family and my duty to have children, and many other hateful things that I shall not repeat. I do not think she believed my explanation about Lord Chomigoto and Emma-O. She accused me of having been perverted by the tengu. I told her that tengu care nothing for monks, but she did not listen. At last I saw that it was no good trying to explain, so I left her chambers and heard her weeping softly behind me.
As Dento and I were preparing to leave for Heian Kyo, I delayed a little while, hoping Sotoko would at least come out to say good-bye. She did not. But one of her servants met us at the gate, bringing a small bag that contained some rice cakes, a few coals, and a little brazier.
I tied the bag across my back and said to Dento, "It would seem my sister does not hate me after all. But I wish she had come out herself to say good-bye."
"Let her grieve your passing in her own way. Families often react so when a beloved member joins an order, and it is right they do so, for that relative can never be the same to them again."
We walked down the Western Road, my feet scuffing in the dust. My legs were still sore from my running the day before, and I could not possibly see how I would manage to trudge the many miles back to the Capital. Yet, without my long hair and with the lighter, simpler clothes, I felt so… unencumbered. Free. The very act of walking was so much easier. I began to understand why Suzume decided not to go to Court.
"Hey ho!" My thoughts were distracted as a big black tengu alighted in the road in front of us. At first I hoped-but, no, it was Kuroihane, not Goranu. "Walking back to the city, old man?" he said to Dento. "I don't think you can make it at your age."
"Good morning, Kuroihane," said Dento, bowing. "It has been many years, hasn't it?"
"It has, old man, yet you disappoint me. I see you have remained a monk."
"You do not disappoint me, Kuroihane, for I see you are the rascal you always were."
"So glad to meet your expectations. And who is this woebegone creature with you? Surely this cannot be the Great Lady Mitsuko?"
"Fujiwara no Mitsuko is no more," I said, bowing to him. "I am now the acolyte of this Esteemed Master."
"Ha hoo! Come down a bit in the world, haven't we?"
"She has not so much come down in it," said Dento, "but is leaving it for a better one."
"Ha! We'll see how she feels when she gets back to the Land of the Good People."
"Yes, well," said Dento, "if you will excuse us, old friend, we have a long way to travel and some urgency in our business, so we should be moving on."
"Oh, no, no, not so fast, old man. I can't let you be so foolish as to wear down your legs. I could not bear to think I had wasted the many hours I spent on teaching you." Kuroihane stuck his beak into the air and made a strange call, "Hei-kakakakak!"
Four other tengu flew down from nearby trees onto the road. They carried between them a net I had seen before.
"What is this?" asked Dento.
"They are going to fly us to Heian Kyo!" I said, happily.
"Are they now? Well, I don't know," Dento murmured, his chin in his hand, looking dubiously at the net.
"Your little monkette has it right," said Kuroihane. "Prince Goranu's orders. We won't take no for an answer. Now hop in. Your carriage-of-the-air awaits."
As Dento and I climbed onto the net, I asked, "If you please, Kuroihane, how is Suzume? Has she gone back to Heian Kyo?"
The other tengu began to snort and snicker, and it seemed, beneath his swarthy skin and dark feathers, Kuroihane was turning red as beets.
"She asked about your girlfriend, Kuroihane!"
"About your little ladylove."
"Aren't you going to tell her?"
"About your little nest in the forest?"
"Shut up!" cried Kuroihane to them. He glared at me and spat out, "Suzume… is… fine!"
To quickly change the subject, I asked, "And how is Goranu, and where is he?"
More titters and snickers arose from the other tengu.
"Oooo, somebody else is in love."
"How she misses her Goranu so."
"She dreams of sleeping on black feathers, too."
"Even though she's going to become a monk."
They seemed to find this the most amusing and were laughing so hard, they dropped the edges of the net and rolled on the ground.
"Stop that!" I said. I felt my face grow hot, and I'm sure I was as red as Kuroihane. Perhaps another reason mortals and tengu do not mix is that we poor mortals would be quite unable to withstand the teasing. Dento politely pretended not to hear.
But the tengu only laughed more at me. "Oooo, touchy, touchy, touchy!"
Kuroihane frowned at me as if this were all my fault. "If you must know, Goranu is back at the Imperial Court, clearing the way for you, or so he said."
"That is… good," said Dento. "I hope. We did not ask for his help, but I suppose it will do us no harm."
"I don't know why he bothers, old man," grumbled Kuroihane, picking up one end of the net.
"Yes you do, Kuroihane!"
"Goranu wants to impress her."
"Pebbles and twigs for the nest, you know."
"Enough!" roared Kuroihane. "Let's go."
Still chuckling and clattering, the other tengu picked up their edges of the net and jumped into the air. The net jerked up with them, such that Dento and I bumped into one another.
"Please excuse me," I said.
But the old monk hardly noticed. He was staring out over the trees, saying, "Oh my. Oh my. Oh my!"
"Is this the first time you have traveled this way, Dento-san?"
"What? Yes. Oh my!"
I almost laughed at his whoops and exclamations, but I did not wish to be disrespectful to the one responsible for my new life. I said nothing further but enjoyed the sight of the hilltops and rivers shining in the morning sun.
The tengu set us down a mile or so outside Heian Kyo, so that our arrival would be seen by few people. The one or two rice farmers who noticed our landing would have unbelievable stories to tell their families. We waved good-bye to the tengu, and Dento and I set out on our own.
We had to hike some ways down a rough rural path until we reached the Great Road, the Tokaido, where we joined the already busy traffic of merchants and peasants heading into Heian Kyo.
It was very strange, entering the city on foot with no carriage around me. I felt quite naked. I
t was difficult to accept the fact that some men stared at me. Stranger still was that many people did not notice me at all. I was jostled and ignored as if I were no better than Suzume. I wanted to berate those who elbowed me, but I held my tongue. I could no longer be the imperious Mitsuko. I noticed that Dento accepted the pushing and shoving with humble dignity, and I tried to do the same.
We entered by the eastern gate, which brought us into the city quite close to the Imperial Palace. We went by side streets, and suddenly I stopped, my gaze caught by a familiar white stone wall with a fine, high gate.
"What is it?" asked Dento.
"My father's house," I said, softly.
"No, you are mistaken. That is Lord Fujiwara's house. He once had a daughter named Mitsuko, but she has disappeared. We have nothing to do with this place."
"But, couldn't we…"
"Couldn't we what?"
"Just… talk to him?"
"And tell him what?"
"I do not know. Perhaps we could make up something… tell him I was killed by wild animals or taken to heaven by a bosatsu."
"You would lie to the Great Lord Fujiwara? The pain such lies would cause you both would be tremendous and unnecessary. Remember, he is still a powerful man. If we pretend to have news of his missing daughter, there would be questions, inquiries, suspicions, perhaps imprisonment. No, no, leave him to his innocent grief. It is better for all concerned."
I scuffed my feet in the dirt. "Sotoko might tell him in a letter, anyway."
"She may. But our business here will be done, and we will be long gone by the time such a letter arrives, so that will be no danger to your new life."
The gate opened, and one of the guards glared out at us. "You there! What are you loitering around here for?"
"Forgive us," said Dento, bowing, "but my, um, niece was just admiring the pretty house."
"This neighborhood is not for the likes of you. If you do not have business here, move along!"
"Yes, sir. Come along, niece." Dento tugged at my sleeve, and I followed him, sadly, down the street.
"How could that guard be so rude to you, a holy man?" I asked, at last.
"He was doing his job. I might have been a thief or some other rogue dressed as a holy man. I do not blame him."
"What a suspicious way to view the world."
"Ah, my dear, you have much to learn." Dento said nothing more until we reached the smooth, high wall of dark wood and gray stone that marked the boundary of the Palace grounds. Dento stopped by a small gate set into the wall.
"This is not the proper entrance," I said.
"Not for Those Who Live Above the Clouds," said Dento. "It is an entrance for servants, soldiers, and lowly folk like us."
I was about to complain about being called lowly folk when the little gate opened. Goranu in his Imperial Courtier-form, except that his robes this time were green, stepped out.
"Ah, there you two are," he said, in a slightly sneering tone. "I am glad you did not keep me waiting long."
Despite his attempt to act aloof, my heart fluttered joyfully to see him. "Why are you dressed as a Third Rank noble?" I blurted out. "You were First Rank before."
"Good morning to you, too," said Goranu. "I see some things about you haven't changed. Yet. I believe your former sister Great Lady Fujiwara no Amaiko knows just about all the First Rank nobility at the palace, so I doubt I could fool her. However, a lowly third ranker might have escaped her notice, neh?"
"Oh. I see. Yes, that was clever of you."
"Would you expect less of me? So. Come in, come in. Mustn't keep the Good People waiting."
We entered. It was all I could do to keep walking and not stare at the beauty around me. The Imperial Palace, truly, is another world. The gardens were beautifully kept, with little streams flowing beneath tiny bridges, past chrysanthemum beds and carefully trimmed pine and cherry trees, disappearing and reappearing amid the buildings. White sand was strewn and raked to resemble coastlines, with the rocks known as mooring stones placed on the sand to resemble mountains or sailing boats. The eye was delighted no matter where one looked. The simple but beautiful wood corridors and bridges were spotlessly polished. People walked quietly, dignified, and now and then we would pass a bamboo blind where just the edges of some Lady's elegant sleeves would be showing, and just a hint of her perfume would waft out to us. That could have been me, I thought, had I chosen this life.
As I paused to gaze upon a particularly lovely garden of chrysanthemums, Goranu whispered to me, "Remember, all this will pass. It is only a dream. Sooner than you know, all this will fall to ruin and nothing will remain."
Truly, the tengu do not appreciate beauty. "And no tengu will mourn its passing," I said.
"Of course not. That is why we are superior to mortals. Come along."
We were led to one of the women's wings of the Palace, though not the one used by the current wives and female relatives of the Emperor. I remembered having been there once before, long ago. But the Palace is such a maze, I could not have found my own way around.
We were not allowed into the main room itself, but had to wait out on the veranda beside a closed bamboo blind while Goranu went inside. And we waited quite a while. I confess I began to fidget with impatience, while Dento knelt with eyes closed, perfectly calm and still.
At last we heard someone approach the other side of the bamboo blind. Goranu emerged from somewhere else and came around to join us. "Great Lady Amaiko honors us with her presence," Goranu said.
Dento bowed low and, reluctantly, so did I. How much I wanted to shake the blinds and say, "Amaiko! It is me! Your little sister!" But I did not.
"We thank the Great Lady," said Dento, "for agreeing to speak with such lowly personages as we are."
"Good day to you," said Amaiko, her voice as pleasant and cultured as ever. "Lord Atamasaru has made your skills known to me, and I confess I am curious as to why you would be so interested in my family's troubles."
"My Lady may not remember," Dento said, "that I had occasion to be of help to your family two years ago, in Tamba Province. I have since followed the fortunes of your illustrious family with interest and wish to continue to offer assistance in any way I may."
"Two years ago. Ah. Yes. I prefer not to speak of that time. Or even think of it."
I stared at the blind, shocked. She would forget all that I went through to help her? How could she?
"Then I beg my Lady," Dento replied, "to forget I have even mentioned it."
"You are forgiven, of course. But Lord Atamasaru has told me of your curious theory that Lady Kiwako is possessed."
"There can be no doubt of it, my Lady. Only a treacherous spirit who has no concern for the body it possesses could engender such foolish behavior on the part of a lady so nobly born. She doubtless knows that she could better her position in life were it not for her… problem. It surely must be that she cannot help herself. Therefore, if we can drive out the cause of this foolishness and enjoin her to protect herself against it ever returning, then surely she can be forgiven and become eligible for the position she so rightly deserves. If I may humbly say so, I am skilled in exorcisms of this nature, and if we can apply this method to your sister, I have no doubts of its success."
"Ah. I see. Yes, that is an interesting theory. It is certainly worth a try. I will speak with Lady Kiwako and see if she is agreeable. Please return tomorrow, and I will tell you if we can put your theory to the test. I will have you lodged nearby so that I may call upon you quickly."
"I thank the Great Lady for the opportunity to again be of assistance."
Suddenly, I became aware that Amaiko was peering out at me through the blinds. "That girl with you. Who is she? Something about her is familiar, though I cannot imagine where I might have seen her."
My hands clutched one another, and I am sure my heart beat so loudly she must have heard it. Yet I said nothing.
"This is my acolyte, who also serves me as a medium, Great Lady."
It took all my will, but I changed my voice to speak like Suzume. "The Great Lady flatters me. No, I haven't served here."
"Ah. I must be in error, then. Good day to you both. Lord Atamasaru, I would speak with you further."
"There is something the Great Lady wishes of me?" Goranu asked, nervously.
"Yes. I am curious as to what sort of business the Office of the Hour of the Monkey conducts."
"Ah! My Lady brings joy to my heart. It is a relief to be acquainted with someone possessed with such intellectual interests as yourself. I rarely get the chance to tell anyone about my work, for no one seems to want to hear about it. I look forward to the many delightful hours it will take to explain all our meticulous record keeping, note taking, and paperwork to my Lady."
"Ah. Well, if it will take some hours, then perhaps we ought to put it off until a later time. I would not think of taking you away from your important business for so long simply for my amusement."
"Oh, it would be no trouble at all, Great Lady! It would be best, however, that you let me know a day or two in advance so that I may gather all the necessary materials to show you. You simply must see examples of the hourly, daily, monthly, and yearly records in order to understand it."
"That is quite all right, Good Sir," Amaiko said. "I could not think of putting you to so much effort for my sake. If you will now excuse me, I have some business of my own to attend to. Good day to you all." With a whisper of fine silk, I heard her leave the blinds and depart.
A deep sadness flowed over me, and I followed Goranu and Dento out through the hushed, polished corridors without speaking.
"What is the matter?" Goranu asked.
"She didn't recognize me," I whispered.
"Of course not. She wasn't expecting to see her sister dressed as you are in the company of an old provincial monk like Dento. You mortals rarely see things if they are out of place. Besides, the Good People don't really know each other very well. They do all they can not to. Intimacy is beneath them."
"That is cruel," I muttered.