Inseparable (Port Java Book 1)

by Sloan Johnson

  Being in the city had its advantages. So far from home, surrounded by so many people, Trevor was bolder about showing affection. He took my hand in his the second we stepped onto the sidewalk. He nestled into my side as we waited at an intersection for the Walk light. His entire face beamed as he took in the sight of oversized Christmas decorations and baubles and I allowed myself to absorb his excitement.

  We both jumped back at the crosswalk as a car sprayed slush from the road towards the sidewalk. I’d put myself in front of Trevor, sparing his leather boots the worst of it, which led to my jeans being soaked and covered in road grime.

  “Dammit.” I brushed away as much of the grit as possible, muttering under my breath about how this was not the way tonight was supposed to go.

  “Hey, it’ll dry.” Trevor rubbed his hand over my back in slow circles. Part of me wished it’d be possible to take this easy affection back home with us, but I knew every passing hour was one closer to when he’d shut down.

  No, not shut down. He wasn’t doing this for selfish reasons. I wasn’t his dirty little secret. Sometimes I needed to remind myself I knew what I was getting into the first time I took the chance to tell Trevor how I felt. The reaction from our families was always going to be a sticking point between us, even without considering how they’d handle the news that he was gay too.

  “I know,” I responded as we joined the flow of people crossing Sixth Avenue. “This isn’t how I saw tonight going.”

  “That’s because you’re not a planner,” Trevor teased. “It’s not in your nature to think of all the ways your plans could go sideways. But for what it’s worth, tonight’s been pretty dang perfect so far.”

  Hopefully, he’d still feel that way in a few minutes. We turned onto the promenade, and soon the huge Christmas tree came into view. We’d been down here once already since arriving in the city, but I was sure Trevor would’ve come down here every day if we’d had time. He’d always been obsessed with the iconic tree at Rockefeller Center, and the first time, he’d stood there gaping at it, eyes wide as a child’s on Christmas morning. I was counting on that same awe tonight to help me catch him off guard. As we sidestepped around groups trying to fit both themselves and the tree into selfies, I noticed a couple off to our left. Tapping Trevor on the shoulder, I directed his attention toward them before pulling him close to my chest. Anxiety poured off the guy. His hands shook, and I wasn’t sure the pallor on his face had anything to do with the lighting. His nerves were the perfect opportunity for me to test the waters. I guided Trevor closer, keeping my eye on the couple as the guy dropped to one knee. His girlfriend held back a gasp and started crying as he proposed. Someday, far in the future, I hoped that’d be us. We were too young to be thinking that way, but I couldn’t imagine a life without Trevor in it.

  “Do you ever think about that?” I asked as the young woman threw her arms around her new fiancée’s neck, smothering his face in kisses.

  “About getting married?” I nodded. “I guess, in the abstract sense, sure. You?”

  I curled my hand around the band of leather in my pocket, tracing my fingers over the cool metal plate at the top. “Is it weird if I say I’ve thought about it quite a bit?”

  “Yeah?” Trevor kissed my neck and I leaned into his embrace.

  “Yep. Not, like, this year or anything, but it’s something I’ve thought about.”

  “And what did you decide?” he asked.

  This was it; the moment of truth. I pulled out the leather, ready to show him when I finished speaking. “It’s what I want, but for me, it’s not an abstract concept. I want it to be with you.” He opened his mouth, but I silenced him. “I know we still have a lot to sort through, but I have faith in us that we’ll get there eventually. And I’ll wait, as long as it takes until you’re ready, but I want you in my life forever.

  “When we were little, we joked about how we were going to buy a house together when we grew up and get a dog. Of course, you were going to be a famous painter and I was going to be an astronaut, but I don’t think we need to abandon all of our plans because those aren’t going to happen.” Trevor chuckled, and I thought maybe he sniffed back his emotions. So far, he hadn’t pulled away, so that was good. I held out the leather band to him. “This isn’t a proposal but a promise. As long as you’re willing to put up with my impulses, I want to be a part of your life. When you’re worried, I want to be the one to help you carry the burdens. When you’re scared, I want to be the one to help ease your mind. I love you, Trevor, and I can’t imagine being with anyone else.”

  Trevor ran his fingers over the gold, reading the simple sentiment etched into the surface. Every step of the way.

  He didn’t look at me, didn’t react in any way to what I’d said. The urge to snatch back my gift and tell him to forget it was strong. It was too much for him, too soon. But for better or worse, he deserved to know how serious this was for me. I shrugged, ignoring the churning of my stomach. “It’s supposed to be a reminder. I know things have been crazy since we started school, and they’re only going to get worse as both of us take harder classes. I wanted you to have a way to remind yourself that, even if we aren’t together, I’m there with you.”

  “It’s perfect,” Trevor reassured me. The peaceful reverence in his voice threatened to buckle my knees. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess when it comes to us. Sometimes, I worry you’re going to get sick of waiting around for me to be comfortable enough, secure enough, to tell my family how much I love you.”

  I wouldn’t lie to Trevor and tell him it didn’t matter if or when he got to that point. It did, but I knew he didn’t do it because he was ashamed; he hadn’t told them because they likely wouldn’t understand, and like me, he wanted to protect what we felt from any ugliness.

  “We’ll get there, babe,” I promised him. “When the time is right, we’ll deal with all of it together.”

  “Together.” Trevor interlaced his fingers with mine and started walking closer to the tree. We needed to get moving if we were going to see the show, but right then, I couldn’t bring myself to care. I’d taken the biggest leap of my life and was caught up in the knowledge that Trevor would jump with me.

  13

  Trevor

  I tugged the cuff of my sweater over my wrist as Dad and I waited for Mom to finish getting ready for Christmas dinner at my grandma’s house. We’d been so busy since returning from New York that I hadn’t seen Gabe in two days. That wasn’t long, but it felt like a lifetime to me. I’d wished he’d been with me when Mom sat me down to hear all about the trip. But then, I’d realized how quickly I’d grown accustomed to having him close to me and decided it was better this way. We needed to be careful around one another until I managed to man up. I needed to figure out how I could come out to my parents without simultaneously letting them know I was in a relationship with the one person I knew they’d never accept as the person I wanted to spend my life with. Still, I’d been restless since he’d stolen a kiss goodnight a few blocks from home before dropping me off. Neither of us would be truly content while I kept such a vital piece of my existence a secret. Today would be our first true test, the first time we’d been forced to spend time together in front of our families since experiencing what it felt like to be happy and free.

  “You okay, bud?” Dad startled me and I jumped. He eyed me, silently telling me he knew I was lying to them about something. I didn’t make a habit of lying to them, not only out of respect, but because I sucked at it. I nodded, unwilling to say anything that’d cause him to ask questions. “You sure? You seem awfully quiet ever since you came home. Did something happen between you and Gabe?”

  “No!” The reaction was instant and a bit too loud to avoid drawing suspicion. So much had happened, but nothing I was going to share with Dad. Not yet. If anyone in my family could be an ally through this, it was him. He’d never judged me for anything, always told me I could do whatever I wanted in life as long as I was truly happy. Did that senti
ment extend to falling in love with Gabe?

  Dad checked the time and led me into his den. Where the rest of the house was light and airy, a nod to Mom’s style, this room was all rich colors and dark wood. The faint scent of lemon furniture polish hung in the air, just as it had my entire life. Dad motioned for me to sit on the leather couch and sat next to me rather than in the recliner he preferred.

  “Trev, I need to ask you something.” He wrung his hands in his lap, as though this were difficult for him. Yeah, well welcome to the club because I was about ready to lose my damn mind. My heart raced as I realized Dad knew something. Maybe⁠—probably⁠— not everything, but he knew. Why else were we having this discussion down here, away from Mom?

  I swallowed hard and sucked in a sharp breath. I could make him ask the question on his mind or I could take control of the situation and give him what I hoped was enough information that he’d back off for the time being. “Dad, I need to tell you something first.”

  “Okay.” He reached out for my hand, squeezing gently as he watched the expression on my face falter. “Whatever it is, you know we’ll still love you. No matter what.”

  “I know,” I said, even though I wasn’t sure how far that love extended. This was pretty big. They’d never given me a reason to feel like their love was conditional, but I still doubted his sincerity.

  “Does this have something to do with you and Gabe?” he asked when the words wouldn’t work themselves past the lump in my throat. I nodded. “And whatever it is, you think we’ll judge you for it?” I nodded again, grateful that he was letting me off the hook. Dad slid closer to me on the couch and draped his arm over my shoulders. “Tell me, Trevor. If you’re not ready to say anything to your mother, I won’t force you. I won’t say anything, either, not without warning you first.”

  “You’d lie to her for me?” I gaped at him, wondering if this was a dream, because he was the one who always insisted on honesty, even when it wasn’t easy.

  “Son, there are times in life when you have to temper the truth,” he told me. “Too many facts at once can be overwhelming. I told you your mom is struggling with you being away from home. She’s worried about you, and I think she’d like to know you’re okay. But if you dump everything that’s weighing you down onto her at once, she’ll have even more to worry about. So, I’m giving you the opportunity to get it off your chest without you having to bear that burden at the same time.”

  “I think I understand.” But I didn’t, not really. I’d always believed no one would accept us, but now Dad was hinting that he knew and he didn’t seem angry with me.

  “Maybe we should start small,” he suggested.

  There was nothing small about this conversation. Every step felt impossible. Every revelation like walking through a field of landmines at night; the danger was there, but I couldn’t see it clearly.

  “You have to say it, Trevor. I can’t do this for you.” I flicked at the cushion stitching, the rhythmic sound centering me until Dad reached over and stilled my hand. “I will guarantee you you’re making this out to be a much bigger deal in your mind than it is. Have we ever given you the impression we’d love you less if you didn’t follow a certain path in life?”

  “No.”

  “And have we ever knowingly minimized your feelings?”

  “No.”

  “Have we done anything to make you think we wouldn’t accept you, love you, just the way you are?”

  “No.”

  Dad smiled. “Okay, so with all of that fresh in your mind, why don’t you try and tell me.”

  “I’m gay,” I whispered. My stomach flipped and I eased myself to the edge of the couch, just in case I needed to make a quick exit. Gabe once told me that saying the words out loud were freeing, but I felt like a prisoner waiting for a sentence to be handed down.

  It didn’t matter how many ways Dad tried reminding me I was loved unconditionally, I was still waiting for him to tell me to leave his house. Instead, he pulled me against his side and kissed the top of my head. I couldn’t remember the last time he’d given me more than a quick hug, but I closed my eyes and cherished his comfort. “That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

  “That’s all you have to say?”

  “What were you expecting, Trevor?” He pulled back and I finally looked at him, ready for censure in his gaze. There was none. Only love and a hint of sadness. “I wish you’d realized sooner that you could’ve told us and it wouldn’t change anything, but this is your life. I’ve had my suspicions for a while but didn’t want to push you before you were ready?”

  “Then why now?” He could’ve easily kept his head buried in the sand. Could’ve kept waiting on me to be honest with him. What changed?

  “You’re hurting. I see it; your mom sees it. She’s been trying to convince herself it’s because you’re homesick, but I had a different theory. Would you like to hear it?”

  Nope. Today had already turned into a bit of a Christmas nightmare and I wasn’t sure I could handle more revelations into how transparent my life was. But the curiosity would kill me. “What do you think is messed up in my head?”

  God, I sounded like an emo kid. It was annoying to my own ears, so I could only imagine how Dad felt hearing my sullen response.

  “First of all, I don’t think anything is wrong with you, mentally or physically.” I didn’t realize how badly I needed his validation until I let out a deep breath. It was as though a weight had been lifted off my chest and I could finally get my lungs to function properly. “I think you and Gabe have grown close this past semester and that makes it difficult for you to be here. You’re worried about perceptions and opinions, and you’re making yourself miserable. Am I close?”

  Unable to speak, I nodded, almost imperceptibly.

  “Oh, Trevor.” Dad pulled me into the second strong hug of the morning, this time holding on for what felt like forever. “I won’t lie and say everyone’s going to be happy about this. Life definitely would’ve been simpler if you’d both met nice guys and gone on as best friends. But life doesn’t always follow the easy path. Sometimes, life is messy and you have to decide if you’re up to the challenge of putting everything back together.”

  “I am, Dad.” I sat up straighter, realizing I would do anything to keep Gabe in my life and happy. That didn’t mean I was going to drop an atomic bomb at Christmas dinner, but I promised myself I would clean up the mess.

  Mom called out, letting us know we were officially running late, which probably meant we were running the risk of being right on time. Mom lived for punctuality.

  “You don’t have to say anything to your mom before you’re ready,” Dad reminded me. “And even then, it’s your decision how much you share with her.”

  “So, you think I shouldn’t tell her about Gabe and me?” It still seemed surreal that he was encouraging me to keep something so important from her. It was beyond belief that he was so casually accepting of my relationship with someone who’d been family our entire lives. I had to wake up from this dream. Mom had to be hollering for me from the kitchen, trying to get me out of bed so we could go.

  “I think it’d be for the best if you let her digest one truth before feeding her another. If it makes you feel any better, I’d tell you the same about introducing her to your boyfriend if it was someone you’d met at school.” Dad stood and I followed. “Maybe not for the same reason, but I don’t think it’s prudent to introduce your mom to everyone you’re dating. And you’re both still very young. There’s no telling if this is a passing fling or if it’s serious.”

  I played with the bracelet on my left wrist. I’ll be there with you, every step of the way, Trevor. Gabe’s promise echoed in my mind, bolstering my courage to be honest with Dad.

  “It’s not an experiment,” I told him. “You’re right, there’s no way to know for sure that we’ll last forever, but no one has that guarantee. But please, if you’re going to accept us the way you say you are, don’t play off what Gabe and I
feel for one another as kids testing the waters now that we’re away from home. Don’t think it’s something we fell into because we were left unattended at school. If our circumstances were different, we’d have already been together for over a year. But we waited, because we knew the hurdles we’d have to face and didn’t want to sabotage our chances or disrespect any of you guys.”

  “I’m sorry. You’re right. It was wrong of me to minimize your feelings immediately after promising I wouldn’t start doing that now.” Dad seemed genuinely upset that he’d spoken without realizing what he was doing.

  “It’s okay,” I assured him. “I’m still surprised you’re okay with this.”

  “Trevor, I’ve known you and Gabe since you were born. There was a subtle shift a few years ago that got harder to ignore as you boys got older.”

  “Do you think Mom and Gwen already know?”

  “No, I’m pretty sure they still assume you’re straight and wonder if Gabe is going to find a nice boy now that he’s away from home. Little do they know you guys found each other long ago.”

  “So you’re really cool with this?”

  “Trevor, Randy, what’s taking you so long? We’re going to be late!” Mom yelled, more impatiently this time.

  “We need to go, but the short answer is yes, I’m good as long as you’re happy.”

  A wave of comfort washed over me as soon as we stepped inside my grandparents’ home. With Dad’s reassurances fresh in my mind, I didn’t worry so much about everyone figuring out that Gabe and I were dating and, instead, allowed myself to relax, the same as I had every other year. Carols played on the old stereo system. Everyone tried convincing Papa Joe to upgrade to more modern technology, but he was a purist, preferring his old record player and tube speakers. Secretly, I hoped he never made the transition because there was something settling about the occasional scratch of the needle and the rich tones you could never hear from modern speakers.