Punk Like Me

by JD Glass

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  PUNK LIKE ME

  “No, stay please,” Kerry requested in a little voice. “I just want to stay like this a little while.” She placed her hand Þ rmly over mine. “I want to remember this.”

  “Okay, sweetheart, okay,” I reassured her, and wrapped her up as securely as I could with my free arm and my legs. She was so small, she seemed so very fragile, so vulnerable, and I just wanted to wrap myself around her, not let anything hurt her, ever. “Are you all right?” I asked her in soft concern.

  “I feel great,” she breathed out huskily, rolling her head back and forth a bit on my shoulder, eyes closed. “Just great.” She resettled the blanket we were wrapped in and tucked her head under my chin. She curled her legs up, folded her body into mine as much as possible, and patted my hand to remind me not to remove it.

  I started to rock a bit and began to murmur soft little endearments and reassurances, stroking her hair, her face, or just cuddling her and giving her small kisses. I have no idea how long we sat like that, just peacefully mentally blank, rocking and murmuring, still inside her. The movie had ended some unknown time ago; even the hum of white noise had ended when the machine and TV automatically turned off. The room was very dark. The only light left was from the candles ß ickering on the silent TV set. Even the cable clock had shut off.

  The phone rang, startling us both.

  “Hmm, I need my hand back, baby. I’ve got to go get that.” She snuggled more and tightened her grip. “Nope. You have to stay here.”

  I remained in place, but the phone rang again. “Really, baby, I’ve got to get that. What if it’s my mom?”

  “Let the answering machine get it,” she mumbled from my chest.

  “We don’t have one of those, my dad hates them, he thinks they’re rude,” I reminded her, as the ringing went on insistently. Actually, I think my parents didn’t have one so they’d know whether or not someone was home when they were supposed to be, but I kept that theory to myself.

  “Oh, okay,” she ß ipped over with a dramatic sigh, “can’t have you grounded again,” and she took her hand away and removed the blanket.

  As gently as possible, I withdrew, hugged her tightly, kissed her cheek, and stood up, then walked to the kitchen on shaky legs. I was a

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  JD GLASS

  little stiff and a little dizzy. Well, that was really unexpected.

  I snapped on the light and got the phone, leaning on the wall a bit for support. “Hello?” I greeted in my most bland voice. I was suddenly a little drowsy, too.

  “Nina? How are you feeling?” It was my mom, after all, and she was using her “business” voice.

  My eyes snapped open. I was now wide awake, standing without any help at all, and I looked at the clock on the wall, where an unpleasant surprise awaited me. Holy mother of fuckin’ pearl—it was fuckin’ four o’clock! And where the fuck was Nanny? She was supposed to have been home half an hour ago! And Nicky, he should’ve been home too, or walk in any minute! Jesus H. Christ, where were they?

  Mom was using her business voice, my sibs weren’t home yet—

  my eyes opened wider with the realization of a new possibility: either one of them could have, should have, maybe even did, walk in on us.

  That should have been some scene, Christ almighty.

  Holy fuckin’ shit. What if I hadn’t noticed that one or both of them had already come home, seen us, and gone back out, maybe to a neighbor’s or—worse, just so much worse—my grandparents’, and called my mom? Where the fuck was my head? What the fuck was I thinking? Don’t answer that, I know what I was thinking and where all the blood from my brain went. Shit, shit, shit!

  Now seemed like it would be a good time to review my life, before it ended. Well, at least it would end on a high note, right? Okay, take a moment, I told myself. Think, girl, think! Ringo would have noticed if someone had come home. He would have let me know; he would have barked his head off and jumped around, but he would have let me know.

  No, dammit, Ringo was outside.

  So maybe Nanny went to a friend’s and I didn’t know, and maybe Nicky was at Universe. I took a deep breath and decided to be as casual as possible. Calm, calm, calm.

  “Um, I’m feeling, ah, better, Mom. I was just, um, sort of sleeping,” I said. I watched Kerry come in from the living room. “Ah, where’s Nanny and Nicky? Nanny’s not home yet, and I don’t remember if—” I was going to say “if she was going to a friend’s after school,” but Mom interrupted me.

  “That’s what I was calling for, so you wouldn’t worry about them.

  I had Nanny go to your grandparents’ so you could rest and someone could watch her do her homework. You know the problems she’s been

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  PUNK LIKE ME

  having with math lately.”

  I silently let out the breath I was holding. I wasn’t dead, neither was my sister, and as far as I could tell, all was Þ ne in the world.

  Mom continued. “Nicky is going to Jimmy Doling’s after school again, and he’s going to stay over again, too. Mrs. Doling asked me today if Nicky could stay. She says it’s really helping Jimmy feel better, and Nicky is helping him study.” Mom’s tone went from business to sympathetic. “Poor Jimmy, he’s having a really hard time, with his parents getting divorced and all.”

  “Uh-huh,” I answered her. I’d forgotten about Jimmy; he was a good friend to me and Nicky both. Well, I was glad that Nicky could help him out in some way, though gladder still that he hadn’t walked in on me, um, us. Not that he would have told on me, I don’t think. I was glad that today wasn’t the day I’d Þ nd out.

  I had been amazingly lucky.

  Kerry walked over and, planting herself behind me, wrapped her arms around my waist and whispered in my free ear, “I owe you one, Hopey.” She pressed herself into my back.

  “What was that?”

  “Oh nothing, Mom, just the TV.” I tried to look over my shoulder at Kerry with mock sternness. “Oh, Mom, is it okay if I have Kerry over? She could keep me company,” I suggested. “I mean, since, you know, no one’s home and all.”

  “Nina, you’re supposed to be home sick and resting, not running out to the Universe to read comics.”

  Kerry’s hands slid down into my front pockets, and she was sliding them in such a stimulating manner, I could hardly stand upright, never mind still.

  “Oh, geez,” broke out of my mouth before I could stop it.

  “Excuse me?”

  “Oh, no, not you, Mom, um, Ringo! I just watched him try to, um, open the fence with his head again,” I answered hastily. “Oh, and I wasn’t going to go out. I Þ gured Kerry and I could do homework or study, you know? Maybe watch a movie, and then, could she stay for dinner?”

  “Plenty of homework I can do with you right now,” Kerry whispered wickedly. “I have a biology exam coming up eventually, couldn’t hurt to get”—and she brought her hand to my breast—“started. Might be something to all that reading and studying you do.” She tweaked the

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  JD GLASS

  nipple.

  I almost dropped the phone and missed the Þ rst part of what my mother was saying, but I did notice that I could actually see the hard little prominence through my shirt. Finally! It was acting normal, thank God!

  “…so you won’t eat dinner by yourself.”

  I bit my lip. “I’m sorry, Mom, brain fart. I missed that. What did you say?”

  Kerry popped her head over my shoulder and I tried to give her my darkest glare, but it wasn’t working. Failing that, I stuck my tongue out at her.

  “Ooh,” she cooed, “promises, promises.” Kerry slid around to the front and started to lay light little kisses along my neck.

  I rolled my eyes to heaven, because this was surely some clever devil’s idea of hell.

  “Dad and I are going to be very late, about nine thirty or so, so if you promise not to go outside, use th
e money on the counter and order dinner for you and Kerry, so you don’t have to eat by yourself, okay?”

  “Thanks, Mom, I, um, ah!” Kerry bit me, so I tried to cough. “Um, kerf, kerf, thanks.”

  “Nina, are you sure you feel better? Maybe I should tell Mrs.

  Dolings to send Nicky home, and I’ll keep you home tomorrow. Maybe you shouldn’t have anyone over tonight.”

  “No, no, I’m Þ ne, really, Mom. I feel A-OK,” I reassured her, while Kerry licked my neck. Actually, I felt like I was going to vibrate into pieces. Kerry was driving me crazy, and it wasn’t easy trying to act like a normal person on one hand and being mercilessly teased on the other.

  “If I’m asleep before you get home, I’ll see you in the morning.

  Love you, Mom, thanks, bye,” and I hung up in a rush on my mother.

  Eesh. I hoped she’d scratch it up to being in a rush to call Kerry.

  “Well?” Kerry asked me, arms now around my neck, “what did she say?”

  I was actually a little excited, because I’d not only so lucked out this afternoon (and boy, had I), I’d lucked out for the whole evening. I’d get to spend more time with Kerry.

  I put my arms around her waist and made my most solemn face.

  “She said I can’t go to Universe with you today, sorry.” I tried to look

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  very sad, but Kerry saw through me and tugged a little on my ear.

  “Hopey,” she said, stretching the last syllable out, “come on, what did she say?”

  I let the smile I couldn’t hide anymore grow, and I swayed Kerry a bit in my arms. “Well, it seems that Nanny is at my grandparents’ and probably staying over, Nicky is staying at Jimmy Doling’s because his parents are getting divorced, and,” I smiled even wider, “my parents won’t be home till nine o’clock so…” I paused again for further dramatic effect and smiled. “You’re invited over to study and order dinner with me so I don’t have to eat by myself. How’s that?” Kerry looked at me in amazement.

  “Oh, and Mom didn’t tell me what time you had to go by so, if we just happen to, oh I don’t know, say, fall asleep while we’re studying, then I guess you could just, well, stay over then, right?” I just kept grinning away. “So is this working for you? It’s working for me.” Kerry smiled up at me. “Your mom is being very cool. So what are we having for dinner? I’m starved!” And she bit my neck. “You’re looking tasty, Hopey.”

  I raised her face to mine and kissed her, and again, we were lost, we were being swept into a storm, whirling and falling, and…I put out my hand and found myself pressed up on the wall. “Okay, okay,” I breathed heavily. I needed some focus here. “I have to let the dog in,” and we separated slightly, though her hands were on my waist. “I have to feed him.” I stood up straight. “You have to call your parents,” I ran my hand through my hair distractedly, “let them know you’re alive.” Focus, yes, and a sense of balance. There was an order to things, somewhere.

  Kerry looked at me blankly.

  I walked past her and over to the back door. I let Ringo in, and he snufß ed my knees. I scratched his head, then grabbed his bowls, one food, one water. Finding the dog food, overprocessed dry nuggets made by some famous multinational conglomerate, I poured it out and put the bowl on the ß oor. I washed the other in the sink, and I focused on getting it sparkling clean before I Þ lled it and set it before Ringo.

  I was feeling very edgy, and I had no idea why. Maybe it was because I was too wound up, maybe I felt guilty for not even caring for such a long while about my brother and sister and ignoring my poor dog, and maybe I felt even guiltier about Kerry, not for what we’d done,

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  JD GLASS

  but for what I’d done.

  I didn’t ask, and I wasn’t told, and I did it anyway. I was a fucking jerk. I was no better and no different than any of the guys we knew. I stared at my hands and there, right on the edge around the nail bed, was the tiniest bit of blood. I let the cold water run over my shaking hands. I don’t know how long I stood there, leaning over the sink, water running over my hands until they felt as icy as the rest of me.

  “Hopey, you okay?” Kerry softly laid a hand on my back.

  “Yeah,” I answered shortly. I Þ lled Ringo’s bowl and, straightening, I turned and forced a smile. “I’m Þ ne. Just getting Ringo’s water. You call your parents?” I waved to the phone and put the bowl down for Ringo.

  “They’re not home. They’re away again, so it doesn’t matter,” she answered, giving me a look. “What’s wrong?” Kerry eyed me warily, and I stared down at my hands. The silence stretched, while I considered how I felt and what to say. Nothing seemed right. Finally, I decided to just be as up-front as I could possibly be, take this on the chin, so to speak. I leaned back against the counter and looked back at her. “I, um, I think, ah, I think that I owe you an apology,” I said. Damn, that sounded so weak to my ears, as if an apology could change anything or really make it better. I was so fucking stupid. I stared at my feet. Kerry shook her head in puzzlement and came closer to me, taking my hands.

  “Nina, what are you talking about?” she asked, trying to look into my face, “an apology for what? Are you sorry we, um, that you,” her voice trembled a bit, “that you touched me?”

  “God, no, no, that’s not what I meant.” I lifted my eyes to hers and immediately tried to reassure her. Trust me to make something go from bad to worse. Stupid, stupid, stupid. On top of being a fucking jerk.

  There was no end to my talent. “I was, I mean, it sort of, I didn’t mean to…” I stopped and looked at our joined hands.

  “Hey, Nina, hey,” Kerry lifted my chin so I could meet her eyes,

  “it’s okay.” She left her hand on my face and stroked the hair off my temples. “Really.” Kerry kissed the corner of my mouth very tenderly.

  I looked at her with anguish. “Are you sure? I mean, I know, you were waiting for, you know, someone and…” Kerry cocked her head to consider my words, then made an O of understanding. She placed her Þ ngers on my lips to shush me. “Yeah, yeah, engraved invitation and all that. You got it, baby.” She smirked

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  at me and enclosed the Þ ngers that had touched her within her own.

  “You’re wearing the brass ring.” She squeezed and I winced, not in pain, but in guilt.

  “Really?” I looked at her searchingly.

  “Really.” She nodded emphatically. “I wanted you, wanted you to do that.” She looked down at my chest and began to make little circles on it with her Þ ngertip. “I wanted to know how you’d feel, like that, inside me.”

  More than any movie or comic book or graphic novel (no matter how desired), this was a gift beyond compare, this basic, primal sharing of the self. It couldn’t be returned, exchanged, or taken back. And this time, this very Þ rst time, Kerry had allowed me, had asked me, to leave a permanent mark on her body, something she would always, always bear, just like she had left one on my heart and mind. I was humbled and awed by its profundity.

  “Oh,” was all I could whisper in my rush of comprehension of this basic concept and consummate brilliance. “Thank you.” I hugged her tightly. “Thank you.”

  We stayed like that, closely entwined, and I listened to her breathe against my heart.

  Finally, Kerry stirred and looked up at me. “Hey, now I can tell everyone Hopey popped my cherry!” She grinned impishly at me, and I rolled my eyes.

  This was the third time or so she’d called me “Hopey” after we, after I, well, you know, we did the overwhelming thing. “God, Kerry, I’m not wearing a costume, physically or mentally, and I wasn’t then,” I burst out, and looked at her very seriously. I realized this was part of what was bothering me, that her still using those nicknames now, after everything that had just happened between us, was actually hurting my feelings, making me feel disconnected somehow. “Please, tell me yo
u’re not, you weren’t, either,” I asked her. I watched her face for a long moment.

  Kerry looked down, then back up at me. I could see her mentally weighing her words. “I was only playing, Nina, not trying to hurt you,” she said softly, tracing my cheek with a Þ ngertip. “It’s just, well, it’s easier if we’re them, and not us, living here, in this place, with these people. It would be so much easier if we were where they are, living like they do. Believe me, I know who was touching me, loving me,” she cupped my face, “inside of me. That’s why,” and she kissed my lips

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  JD GLASS

  softly, “you’re Nina, Nina Cherry,” she kissed me again, “because you have mine,” and I let her kisses sweep me away.

  Somehow, we managed to clean up the living room, and we actually did study a bit, up in my room, and I left a note on the table downstairs telling my parents that Kerry was going to stay over because her parents were out and she couldn’t Þ nd her key.

  Normally, they, meaning my parents, would never allow anyone to stay over, and twice never on a school night, but I Þ gured that if we were already, um, sleeping, yeah, sleeping when they got home, well, they wouldn’t want to wake up a kid, especially one who couldn’t get home anyway, right? And so what if she stayed in my room? It’s not like it was a boy or something like that. Yeah. Maybe Kerry was rubbing off on me.

  Anyway, somewhere after algebra and trigonometry and before history, with my bedroom door safely locked and Ringo keeping guard in the hallway, we were rolling around on the carpet in my room, making out again. Big surprise, right? I’ll bet you can’t believe we actually did anything else. Me either.

  I was on my back and Kerry was straddling my hips, rubbing against me in an agonizingly delightful way. My mouth was full with hers and my hands were Þ lled with her ass. God, it felt great—soft and Þ rm at the same time. I can honestly say I really had a lot better understanding now of the overeager, overanxious boys I’d dated.