Letting Misery Go

by Michelle Larks

  Sarah put down the top to the toilet seat. She placed a towel on the seat, lifted the sticky boy in her arms, and carefully placed him on the seat.

  After she bathed him, Sarah vowed to have a long talk with her father about the boys’ behavior, and his seeming lack of interest in his sons. She surmised that if Daniel wasn’t careful, his son would turn out like Lenora’s brothers, who’d spent more time locked up than on the outside.

  Sarah was very disturbed by Damon’s behavior. After spending a couple of days at Daniel’s house, she was also aware of the control the older boy exerted over his younger siblings. For her father’s sake, she truly hoped that Damon wasn’t a young thug in the making. She thought if her father thought he couldn’t cope with the boys now, what would he do later when they grew up? Sarah prayed she could get through to Daniel.

  By the time Sarah had finished bathing Darnell, lecturing Damon, preparing and giving the boys their dinner, she felt exhausted. Later that evening, after the boys retired for the night, Sarah went to Damon’s room to check on him after she had checked on the twins. Damon had fallen asleep. As she stood at the bedroom door, she thought how much he looked like his mother. She walked to the bed, bent over, and placed Damon’s sneakers in the corner of his room. Then she pulled the comforter over his waist and walked downstairs.

  She walked into the living room and found her father sitting in his favorite burgundy leather recliner. Sarah fumed as she watched his head loll against the back of the chair. A sliver of drool snaked down his cheek.

  Sarah sat on the sofa and meditated on the untidy mess that seemed to have consumed her father’s life. The Daniel of old was a snazzy dresser. Since she’d been staying with her father over the past days, he seemed to wear the same clothes over and over. He had on a pair of dark denim jeans, which looked as if they hadn’t been washed in months. He wore a dingy white-collared T-shirt under a long-sleeved cotton pullover. Sarah shook her head.

  She exhaled, and then said, “Daddy.”

  Daniel didn’t respond. His breathing made a whistling sound.

  Sarah called him again; and when Daniel didn’t respond, she stood up, walked over to the chair, and poked her father’s arm.

  “Huh?” Daniel sat upright. “Oh, it’s you.” His eyes dimmed. He was hoping Lenora had returned home, to rescue him from the chaos his life had become.

  “Daddy, didn’t you hear the boys making a mess in the kitchen earlier?” Sarah walked back to the matching burgundy couch, adjacent to the chair, and sat down. She reached over and turned on an ornate Tiffany lamp. “It’s much too dark in here,” she said.

  “Naw, I didn’t hear them. What have they done now?” Daniel asked in a bored tone of voice. His eyes darted around, landing outside the window.

  Sarah debated talking to her father about the state of the household, and finally decided to forge ahead, thinking there’s no time like the present.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t visit you more, Daddy,” she murmured in a conciliatory tone of voice. “It was just hard for me to see you living happily with a woman other than Momma.”

  Daniel made a snorting noise. “I don’t know if this house has been happy for a while. I missed you, Princess, and Nay, DJ, and the grandchildren—all of you. It seems like life with Lenora was better when we were on the down low.”

  She kept a stoic expression on her face, to encourage her father to open up to her.

  “That’s too bad,” she remarked casually. “But, Daddy, you know that life changes, it never stays the same, and you can’t feel sorry for yourself. You have to move on, and deal with the issues at hand. I’m sorry about you and Lenora. I know you’re hurt by her leaving, but the boys need to be your first priority. You need to comfort and work with them before they get out of control, especially Damon.” Sarah’s nose crinkled. “Sometimes they act like children who haven’t ever been disciplined, and I find that hard to believe, because I know you didn’t think twice about spanking the three of us when we were children. What happened?” She leaned forward on her seat.

  Daniel shrugged his shoulders helplessly. “I guess Noree was a new-school mom. She didn’t believe in hitting the children.” His eyes dropped to his lap, and then he looked back at Sarah. He held out his hand. “She thought time-outs were more effective. But she didn’t stick to her guns, and the boys ran over her like syrup on waffles,” he replied, embarrassed.

  Sarah snickered at her father’s description of Lenora’s antics with the boys. Then Daniel joined her. The two shared a hearty laugh. Sarah reached up and swiped a tear from the corner of her eye.

  “I think today is the first day I’ve laughed or smiled in a long time,” Daniel admitted gravely.

  “There will be more smiles in the future, Daddy. You just need to get it together. Damon is a handful, and I think he needs a man’s touch. I know firsthand raising boys can be tough. Though Joshua was nothing like the imps running around here.” Sarah shook her head in disbelief.

  “I know,” Daniel said. “By Damon being our oldest child, Noree and her family spoiled him rotten. I tried to stop her from letting him have his way so much, but she wasn’t having it,” he remarked as he ran his hand over his spiky gray hair.

  “Well, that explains why he acts the way he does. Still, you’ve got to do something before his actions spiral out of control.” Sarah felt saddened that her father, whom she’d looked up to most of her life, had been reduced to sitting in the living room, allowing life to pass him by. “What are you going to do in the long run if Lenora doesn’t come back?” She didn’t miss the look of consternation that filled her father’s face.

  “I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far ahead,” Daniel admitted.

  “Daddy, you need to think about it. You and the boys can’t remain in this unsettled state. It’s not healthy,” Sarah said. She folded her hands together and put them in her lap.

  “I hear you, Princess, but what can I do? My health isn’t great, and sometimes the boys are too much for me. Maybe I should let them stay with Felicia. I know she’ll take good care of them.”

  “Daddy, do you hear yourself?” Sarah asked him, clearly appalled. “Why would you give up your sons? You’re not incapacitated, merely older. I can’t believe what I’m hearing.” Her head swung from side to side in disbelief.

  “I know it doesn’t sound good, but it’s the truth. I’m trying to do what’s best for the boys. Perhaps they need the firmer hand of younger parents,” Daniel said dejectedly. His body slumped, and he dropped his head and rubbed his eyes.

  “I think that’s a lousy idea,” Sarah responded resolutely. “What those boys need most of all is a parent, and they need love. Don’t tell me you forgot how to do that?” She couldn’t keep a note of rancor from dripping from her voice.

  Daniel flinched from the anger that emanated from his daughter. “Maybe I have forgotten. All I know is that I’m so tired,” he muttered, his voice dropping despairingly.

  “Daddy, we all get tired. I get tired myself a lot of times.” Sarah waved her hand dismissively. “But children don’t ask to be born. You and Lenora made them, and you both can’t desert them. This is the time for you to step up.” She glanced down at the thin gold watch on her wrist. “Looks like it’s time for your medicine,” she said.

  Daniel nodded. “Why don’t you get it for me.” He held his hand out for his heart medication, with a hangdog look on his face.

  Sarah wanted to say, “No, you need the exercise, get it yourself!” She opened her mouth and closed it. Instead, she strode into the lilac-colored bathroom, off the kitchen, and removed a vial of pills from the medicine chest. Then she took a paper cup from the dispenser on the wall and filled it with water. She returned to the living room and handed Daniel the pills and water.

  He swallowed the pills and took a few sips of water. When he was done with that, Daniel balled up the cup and laid it on the TV tray next to his chair, while Sarah returned to the couch and sat down.

  “
You know I wouldn’t admit this to anyone except for you,” Daniel remarked, looking at Sarah.

  “What would that be?” Sarah asked her father quizzically.

  “I made a big mistake when I married Lenora. I always felt in the back of my mind that her picking me was too good to be true.” Daniel looked back out the window, refusing to meet his daughter’s eyes.

  Stunned by her father’s confession, Sarah’s mouth gaped open. All she could manage to say at first was “Wow.” Then she composed herself. “Oh, Daddy, that’s too bad. I wish you had thought about that before you tore our family apart,” she lamented.

  “There are so many things I wish I had done differently. I remember talking to my doctor before I married Noree. He said something to the effect about ‘there’s no fool like an old fool.’ I know what he meant. I get it now. Many a night I pondered his words, especially when I lay up in the hospital, not sure if I was going to live or die. But you know what kept me going?”

  Sarah shook her head, and continued listening to her father. She had a feeling that he needed to verbalize his thoughts and to get some things off his chest.

  “I don’t know if your mother told you this or not.” Daniel cracked his knuckles. “When I was in the hospital, wondering if I was going to live or die, Ruth came to check on me a few times. She always encouraged me to do what the doctors told me to do so I would get better. She would tell me how it wasn’t time for me to go yet, that I still had some things I needed to do.”

  “I didn’t know that,” Sarah admitted. “Momma never said a word. But I’m not surprised, that’s Momma. She always puts other people’s feelings before her own.”

  “I know I had a good thing and I blew it. I may never get a chance to tell her that,” Daniel said in a strangled voice, with a haunted expression on his face.

  “No one knows the future but the Lord, Daddy. So you never know what might happen.” Sarah wondered if through all the madness her father was experiencing, if her parents might find their way back to each other. Her face gave no hint of what she was feeling. “What you need to concentrate on is what you’re going to do with the boys.”

  Daniel nodded his head. “As I said, I really feel like I should sign them over to Felicia and her husband. Their children are better behaved than my rascals. I’m not a young man anymore, so perhaps that would be best for them.”

  Both Daniel and Sarah looked toward the entrance of the room as Damon came running into the room. He looked almost deranged with fury.

  He ran to his father and began beating him in the chest with his small fists. “I don’t want to stay with Aunt Fee!” he yelled. “I want my mommy! Why did you make my mommy leave? I hate you!”

  Daniel was aghast at his son’s behavior. He mumbled encouraging words to his son, which fell on deaf ears. “Come on now, Damon, that’s no way to act.” He tried to grab Damon and hold him in his arms, but he was squirming and wouldn’t be still.

  Sarah looked on helplessly. Her first inclination was to help her father. Then she dismissed that idea. Too many people had been helping Daniel his entire life, starting with her uncle Fred, and then her mother. Sarah thought it was time for her father to step up to the plate and handle his own business.

  Damon hit at Daniel. Daniel deflected the blows and grabbed Damon’s wrists and held them in his hands. The little boy ranted about how he hated his father. He screamed for his mother at the top of his lungs, until the fight had left his little body. Daniel let go of Damon’s wrists, and the boy collapsed on the floor at his father’s feet, with his head dangling between his legs. His shoulders shook as tremors racked his small body.

  Pick him up and hold him in your arms, Sarah silently implored her father, but to no avail. Her body was tense as she sat on the edge of the sofa. Her hand clutched the edge of the sofa, like she was holding the side of a life raft.

  Daniel clumsily patted his son’s head and, with tear-stained eyes, looked to Sarah for help. She stood and walked over to her half brother and pulled his trembling, inert body from the floor. She shot a look of revulsion at her father as she took Damon by the hand and led him to the couch.

  Damon’s face was a picture of abject misery. His matted hair framed his reddened face, and tears continued to dribble from his eyes. He hiccupped and ran his hand across his dripping nose.

  Sarah took him in her arms and murmured softly, “It’s going to be okay, Damon. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but I promise you that everything is going to work out.”

  “No, it’s not,” Damon protested, shaking his head. “My mommy is gone, and me and my brothers are alone. And Pops don’t like or want us.” He looked at Daniel accusingly, and then he began wailing again.

  Daniel felt as if an arrow had pierced his heart, and his hand flew to his chest as tears streamed from his eyes.

  “You are not alone,” Sarah corrected Damon. “You have your daddy, and he does care for you. He’s just been sick. You have me and my family, your grandmother, grandfather, and aunts and uncles. I promise you that we’re going to take care of you and your brothers.”

  Damon pressed his body against Sarah’s and began sobbing again. By that time, the twins had awakened from the clamor. The little boys stood in the doorway and stared at their family. Daniel’s head was buried in his hands, while their older brother sobbed as Sarah patted his back. The twins’ eyes were wide circles as they walked tentatively into the living room. Their eyes traveled to their father, and then to Sarah and their big brother.

  David walked over to Damon and Sarah. He stood in front of his brother and patted Damon’s arm. “Don’t cry, brubber,” he crooned over and over with a lisp, and tears trickling down his face.

  Darnell walked over to his father and poked Daniel in the shoulder. “Daddy, don’t cry,” he begged Daniel in a timid voice. Daniel groaned and then scooped Darnell into his lap. He cradled his son tightly to his chest, like he never wanted him to go.

  Lord, stop by here, Sarah prayed silently, closing her eyes. My family is in need of your healing touch. My daddy is a good man at heart. He just doesn’t know how to express his feelings sometimes. Father, stay with these children as they transcend into what may be a new way of life. We don’t understand why things happen in life the way they do sometimes, and we just have to trust in your grace and receive your mercy. Lord, I beseech you in the name of the Father, help and heal my family today.

  With that prayer, Sarah released the Wilcoxes’ burdens over to God. She couldn’t help but wonder what was to become of her father’s family. The boys were motherless, and her father seemed to be stuck in an indecisive mode. Sarah knew with God all things were possible, and that He would deliver them from this seemingly hopeless dilemma.

  She also wished she could consult with Ruth, to make sure she was doing the right thing. She hoped that she hadn’t spoken too harshly to her father, and that she had given the boys a small measure of comfort.

  Momma, what are you doing right now? I need you, Sarah thought. Her cell phone rang from the kitchen. Laying Damon on the sofa, and telling him that she would be back, Sarah rose and went to the kitchen to answer her cell phone. She glanced at the caller ID and saw Naomi’s number on it. She clicked on the telephone and said, “Hello?”

  “Hi, Sarah, what’s going on? Is this a bad time? Can you talk?” Naomi asked.

  “Well, your timing isn’t great. There’s a crisis brewing here at Daddy’s house. But I can talk for a few minutes,” Sarah said.

  “Okay, should I call you back later? I have something I want to talk to you about,” Naomi announced breathlessly.

  “Why don’t you ever ask how Daddy and the boys are doing?” Sarah asked pointedly. She peeked into the living room, and everyone was the same as she’d left them.

  Naomi sucked her teeth loudly and rolled her eyes. “How are Daddy and the boys?” she asked.

  “Not too good. I think it just really has set in for the boys that Lenora is gone, that she may not come back, and th
ey are struggling.”

  “That’s too bad,” Naomi replied with a false tone of voice. Truth be told, she could care less. Daniel had brought everything that had happened to his second family upon himself.

  “Nay, these kids didn’t ask to be brought into the world. And life as they know it has ended, so try to have some sympathy for them,” Sarah chastised Naomi.

  “You’re right,” Naomi sighed, tugging on her other earlobe. “They didn’t ask to come here. I imagine this has to be a tough time for them. Still, you would think Daddy and Lenora would be more responsible. She has some nerve running out on Daddy, and then leaving her children behind. What kind of mother does that?”

  “Apparently, one interested in her own self-gratification. Legally, the boys are Daddy’s too, so Lenora didn’t break any laws,” Sarah added.

  “But she’s their mother. How could she just abandon them? ...” Naomi’s voice trailed off. “I didn’t mean anything toward you by my comment,” she said, apologizing. “Your situation and Lenora’s are different.”

  “No harm taken.” Sarah tried to reply imperturbably, though a sliver of guilt rang in her voice.

  She reflected on the intricate scheme she’d concocted over twenty-five years ago, and she still prayed for forgiveness daily.

  Sarah was actually Naomi’s biological mother, but to the world the two were sisters. Sarah had become pregnant as a young teenager, at the age of fifteen. She became a mother for the first time at sixteen years old. In reality, she had been impregnated by her now-husband, Brian. Too scared to face the music, and being the granddaughter of a prominent Chicago minister, Sarah followed Queen’s urging and led the family to believe she was sexually assaulted. Sarah was whisked away to stay with a relative, and Ruth and Daniel adopted the baby.